Feedback on my first Publication

Good afternoon,

I published my first story a couple of days ago.

Speaking to a few authors on the "Author's hangout" thread made me realise ideally I should get some constructive criticism and feedbacks before publishing further stories.

Please find below the link for my story:
https://www.literotica.com/s/london-adventures-01

I already know I need to work on my punctuation and get the help of an editor, but I welcome any other feedbacks and comments.

Thanks
Dan

He continues to totally ignore me and sorts out an Uber taxi to take us to one of the sports bars' in London.

Click to expand...

There's your problem right there, man. Only twats use Uber. One star.

[/jks]

I think the people who've urged you to get a copy editor to look it over have the right idea. I won't go into detail on that front. Apart from that it's a solid, basic erotic story, I thought it quite likeable. The feel was pretty authentic, or at least it certainly took me back to the days of antics in the men's / ladies' room when night-clubbing. Hope you do keep going with it.

CyranoJ said:

There's your problem right there, man. Only twats use Uber. One star.

[/jks]

I think the people who've urged you to get a copy editor to look it over have the right idea. I won't go into detail on that front. Apart from that it's a solid, basic erotic story, I thought it quite likeable. The feel was pretty authentic, or at least it certainly took me back to the days of antics in the men's / ladies' room when night-clubbing. Hope you do keep going with it.

Click to expand...

Hahaha I literally burst out laughing about the uber comment. Cheers for the encouragement mate.

It's not my kind of story. I don't approve of heavy drinking so that turned me off. The main character comes across to me as an conceited asshole who should have given up his heavy drinking long ago. So I'm not going to tell you I enjoyed the story. But let me give you some advice on improving your writing:
* Your story should start just before something interesting happens. Calling an Uber taxi is not interesting. Does sharing how the main character got to the sport bar advance your story? Make your character more likeable? Going around the corner to drink at a pub is not interesting. You should have started the story with them arriving at the sports bar as that were the story starts to get interesting
* All of the description of your friend was a waste. Once the girl appears, he disappears. Mentioning that you were at the sports bar with an old friend would have worked just as well
* In a short story, everything you tell us should be important. How is a comparison between WC's in London and Southwest England important to the story?
* You get to the kissing on the dance floor way too fast. The girl says three sentences before she kisses the main character. The main character doesn't even know her name when they start kissing. We know a lot more about the main character's friend than the girl at this point
* All that information you shared about the main character when he was with his buddy, you should tell it to us after he meets the girl
* Make the girl attractive. Describe her face. Describe her hair. Does she have nice legs? Have her wearing a nice outfit. At the very minimum, tells her name. You make it sound like she's not very attractive to the main character, but he's willing to settle for her because he's looking to get laid.
* What is the main character looking for in a woman? How does the girl check his boxes? As for as I can tell, having big tits and being a hell of a drinker are the only two things the main character cares about

Once the kissing started, I checked out. I didn't care about him. I didn't care about her. I didn't see any chemistry between them. Just a drunken hook up that will be shorter than the hangover.

So yes, I'll agree an editor would help. Your verb tenses slipped a bit from past to present and back again, which is a little jarring.

Otherwise... it was okay. It didn't do anything for me, as for one thing the woman seemed like she would have been so drunk she'd barely be able to stand up. I don't drink much but with the repeated "jagerbomb" mentions, it seemed like she'd really gotten totally plastered.

Some things like names, a little more description, etc. might have helped. I felt like I was reading about these two random and not very interesting people, so I really didn't care what happened to them.

I'd also say you could probably delete some of the detail you mentioned. The narrator drove four hours -- that's fine, I don't need to know what direction he came from, unless that impacts the story. A lot of people will know some English words and phrases and such, with the crossover in TV shows for example, and the rest will get it from context. Some us even know the All Blacks.

Good for you for writing and posting, though. Keep practicing.

Thank you both for your Feedbacks! Taking your comments in to consideration I'll try to build the character a bit more on chapter 2. Also have found myself an editor!

Good to see that Dan is not too discouraged by the harsh criticism!
I agree with most of the comments but not all. It's fine that we don't know the girl's name and that they are at it after exchanging only a few words. That's part of the point - it's just a quick drunken fuck at a club between two peopke who don't really care about each other and will probably never meet again. What does she look like exactly? Again, he doesn't care, too drunk to notice or remember, too focused on her ass and pussy to look at her face.

hadruprider said:

Good to see that Dan is not too discouraged by the harsh criticism!
I agree with most of the comments but not all. It's fine that we don't know the girl's name and that they are at it after exchanging only a few words. That's part of the point - it's just a quick drunken fuck at a club between two peopke who don't really care about each other and will probably never meet again. What does she look like exactly? Again, he doesn't care, too drunk to notice or remember, too focused on her ass and pussy to look at her face.

Click to expand...

TBH I come on Literotica to get me off, and I assume most men are on the same boat. So when I wrote the story I wrote it for one specific audience, but it's nice to hear about what the female readers expect in a story.
With the new feedbacks I can alter it accordingly so that hopefully both genders will appreciate my writing.