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Old 01-14-2017, 04:18 AM   #126
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41 just wanted to hear a women's point of view
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Old 01-14-2017, 06:39 AM   #127
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A lot of guys seem like they don't want to admit wanting to be spanked or pegged. Sure, I think they're ok with saying they want to pleasure a woman, make her orgasm, even be told what to do in the bedroom in order to please her. But when it comes to saying spank me, use a plug up my ass, tie me up -- that seems to be not as out in the open if you also want to be a Top or a Dominant as well.

I will say that I've been out of the local kink community for about 3 years. I'd been involved in it for about 10 years. As I was leaving, lots more people were coming in to the community. People seemed to be less hung up on labels and more interested in experiences. More willing to try on different hats, so to speak.[/quote]


I think you are right about most guys, and as a man who likes the odd femme clothing its hard to share that with other guys, not many understand! Even fewer accept that I can be straight and like it. What I have noticed is that with age comes an acceptance that this is not a series of discrete points on a scale, its a continuum, very fluid and easy to move along. Where I am along it has changed as I have explored and shared, and opened up to some of my thoughts, because life is about experiencing things that you feel will arouse and pleasure you.

Gentle femdom is one of those things I seek to experience, and I hope there will be a chance to meet and play with someone who will carefully take me into this world and see how far I can go, without it detracting from what our usual dynamic is. I am happy to acknowledge that this includes loss of control, ting me up, spanking me, and pegging... but not in a 'shit you men are soooo sissy' but in a 'mmm, this is getting me as hot as I can see its getting you' kind of way!
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Old 01-15-2017, 07:30 PM   #128
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Gentle FemDom is in a league of it's own. If SOME think switches are confused, most people believe gentle dommes are even more so! I've also posted on the BDSM personals. It explains me and what I'm looking for so well. I'm looking for someone to soul collide with. This is an excellent thread, thank you for starting it.
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Old 01-16-2017, 03:44 PM   #129
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Gentle femdom

I've not heard the term gentle femdom before, but I like it.

It sounds as if it more closely resembles what I have been most attracted to.

Years ago I bought a DVD with strap on sex for my girlfriend and I to enjoy. Sadly, it involved mostly a very angry woman yelling at a man for being stupid, a fag, a dumb bitch, and pegging him in a violent, cruel way.

This was not what I was hoping for in a dominatrix relationship, but I see that as a model that is often envisioned. While I don't deny the appeal of a bit of fear in an encounter, I don't ever want to be the subject of another's rage against patriarchy wether in the bedroom, or in public.

To me the gentle part indicates that there is care and respect that someone is going out of their comfort level and being submissive in a sexual way. It is contrary to the dominant view of men in society; a view I find to be repressive, boring, and potentially damaging.

I like to indulge in the creativity of others, and sexually, I like to experience someone else's kinks. But I like to do it in an arena where there is a level of trust, that I won't be publicly humiliated.

So what that looks like to me is something between a dominant woman and a submissive man, where nothing is off the table, but doesn't venture outside the proverbial "bedroom" (aside from perhaps being made to wear a plug or panties that would remain a secret between the two). It would also remain in the world of sex.

Equality elsewhere is imperative to me.
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Old 01-16-2017, 04:01 PM   #130
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I can think of at least two strapon vids that i think would qualify as 'gentle.'

I can't post links from my phone, but if you do a search for 'pretty wife fucking hubby's ass' you should find one of them on youporn.
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Old 01-17-2017, 12:47 PM   #131
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Sorry I've been absent. I needed a break after living and breathing this thread for a few days.

Meanwhile, my boxes have been very busy, and I've been learning a lot! I had a wonderfully educational visit last week with a submissive gentleman whose kinks are very different from mine. More than once he told me, 'I don't know why that appeals to me,' and it made me smile to see that he didn't seem to be bothered by not knowing.

The real eye-opener was his explanation of why he liked being called unflattering names. He said that it did good things for his ego when a woman didn't coddle him and instead acted on the presumption that he could handle the insults without being butthurt about it (my paraphrase).

What a revelation for me! I am wired differently, and that sort of treatment would crush my spirit.

Knowing this may be true for more men than just him, it changes my view on the whole humiliation thing, and moves it from my No Way In Hell list to my Okay Maybe Sometimes list. It also helped me understand things like CBT a little more. Of course, I am always eager to hear the thoughts and opinions of others.
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Old 01-17-2017, 01:01 PM   #132
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Interesting thread, Honey
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Old 01-17-2017, 01:03 PM   #133
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Interesting thread, Honey
Thanks, pen.
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Old 01-17-2017, 01:06 PM   #134
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I'm a sadist, but I'm sweet (generally). I'm not sure what that makes me.
I'm guessing it makes You confusing to most subs
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Old 01-17-2017, 01:58 PM   #135
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I'm a total newbie in the BDSM scene and frankly, I'm pretty much just lurking in threads like this these days, trying to understand...well...myself.

But there are two things in Collar_N_Cuffs post here that I wanted to just throw my two cents in on (or...maybe it's just a penny).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Collar_N_Cuffs View Post
Witness to the bad rap. I find that people don't know how to interact with a switch, and I kind of get it. I have discussed it with a few (very few) people here and the general response is.. How am I supposed to interact with you if you are one person one day and a different person the next day? Well, that's not how it works (with me), but I understand the sentiment. So for me it's not so much not wanting to step up as it is not wanting to have to define myself over and over to people who can't relate. But I think it's different for guys, see double standard reference below. .
I puzzled a little myself over what a "switch" might be (after I realized they weren't talking about the kind of switch my grandfather used to make us get when we were bad...think about it...it actually makes some sense in context!).

It seems to me that it is about "preferences" and desires. I eat pizza (and drink a beer or two) virtually every Friday night. It's just a thing with us, and it's kind of a tradition/habit/whatever. While the toppings very a little, this is a case where my preferences seldom change and I like to do the same thing. I think this is kind of like a Dom/Domme who always likes to be in charge, and wouldn't want to be a sub, or a sub who always wants to be a sub and wouldn't want to switch. It's comfortable. It fills a need, sometimes more that simply the specific "act" (or pizza). It's reliable. It's always there. It's predictable. That can be very comforting.

In other parts of my life I like to try different foods. Some people though, are just vegetarians. I like a lot of vegetarian dishes, but I wouldn't always want to eat that. I like your basic meat and potatoes too. A nice steak with a baked potato is awesome. I like a lot of variety in the things I eat. Ethnic, type of protein, spices, you name it. It's fun to experience different things. And a switch may like that variety a lot.

And here's the thing: I have one place where I love the predictability, and another where I love the variety, even with food!
Some people may want that predictability in their BDSM life. But like their variety in other ways.
Some people may want their variety in the their BDSM life, but want predictability somewhere else.

We all probably need a balance and how we achieve that balance is going to differ.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Collar_N_Cuffs View Post
I agree that there is a massive double standard in place where penetration is involved, be it anal, oral, vaginal, belly button whatever. Also restraint, and other acts that are traditionally regarded as submissive. These tend to be seen as a weakness, a vulnerability. I think it's more acceptable to most people that these things are enacted on women, by men. Stepping outside of that time honoured dynamic quickly makes people uncomfortable. Even those who end up being uncomfortable with themselves.
I think a big part of this double standard is simply a reflection of historical society. Rigid gender roles have long been in place. We can argue about why or if there was ever any benefit, but they are there. Men my age grew up in a time where being a man was an important part of our identity and that meant certain things. While I hope and believe that younger people are beginning to move away from this, it's tough when it's been so re-enforced for so long. Being vulnerable is frowned upon. Being weak is unacceptable. And...generally...in order to get the girl you have to be strong and tough. So, yes, it is incredibly difficult for a man (and some women) to accept that (1) they can be vulnerable and out of control and it's OK, (2) that the woman who is in control won't see that as "weak and bad" and leave. The last one is the real tension. We have been, for so long, taught that women will only find the strong ones attractive that to give that up to a woman we like feels like that would drive her away.

Again, just my two cents.

Thanks for the insights. Some of that above came from reading what you all have shared.
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Old 01-17-2017, 04:32 PM   #136
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lakesailer_mi View Post
I'm a total newbie in the BDSM scene and frankly, I'm pretty much just lurking in threads like this these days, trying to understand...well...myself.

But there are two things in Collar_N_Cuffs post here that I wanted to just throw my two cents in on (or...maybe it's just a penny).



I puzzled a little myself over what a "switch" might be (after I realized they weren't talking about the kind of switch my grandfather used to make us get when we were bad...think about it...it actually makes some sense in context!).

It seems to me that it is about "preferences" and desires. I eat pizza (and drink a beer or two) virtually every Friday night. It's just a thing with us, and it's kind of a tradition/habit/whatever. While the toppings very a little, this is a case where my preferences seldom change and I like to do the same thing. I think this is kind of like a Dom/Domme who always likes to be in charge, and wouldn't want to be a sub, or a sub who always wants to be a sub and wouldn't want to switch. It's comfortable. It fills a need, sometimes more that simply the specific "act" (or pizza). It's reliable. It's always there. It's predictable. That can be very comforting.

In other parts of my life I like to try different foods. Some people though, are just vegetarians. I like a lot of vegetarian dishes, but I wouldn't always want to eat that. I like your basic meat and potatoes too. A nice steak with a baked potato is awesome. I like a lot of variety in the things I eat. Ethnic, type of protein, spices, you name it. It's fun to experience different things. And a switch may like that variety a lot.

And here's the thing: I have one place where I love the predictability, and another where I love the variety, even with food!
Some people may want that predictability in their BDSM life. But like their variety in other ways.
Some people may want their variety in the their BDSM life, but want predictability somewhere else.

We all probably need a balance and how we achieve that balance is going to differ.







I think a big part of this double standard is simply a reflection of historical society. Rigid gender roles have long been in place. We can argue about why or if there was ever any benefit, but they are there. Men my age grew up in a time where being a man was an important part of our identity and that meant certain things. While I hope and believe that younger people are beginning to move away from this, it's tough when it's been so re-enforced for so long. Being vulnerable is frowned upon. Being weak is unacceptable. And...generally...in order to get the girl you have to be strong and tough. So, yes, it is incredibly difficult for a man (and some women) to accept that (1) they can be vulnerable and out of control and it's OK, (2) that the woman who is in control won't see that as "weak and bad" and leave. The last one is the real tension. We have been, for so long, taught that women will only find the strong ones attractive that to give that up to a woman we like feels like that would drive her away.

Again, just my two cents.

Thanks for the insights. Some of that above came from reading what you all have shared.
Do be sure and check out the Switching thread please Some of this is addressed there.
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Old 01-17-2017, 05:39 PM   #137
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Collar_N_Cuffs View Post
Do be sure and check out the Switching thread please Some of this is addressed there.
Thanks CnC, I will check that out as I find I am drawn to the concept of switch, and it is something to talk about or read about more.

Here the vulnerability of sharing the desire to enjoy gentle femdom has been interesting to go through, but I think those finding themselves in this thread and participating are doing so with the ethos of support and exploration.

A conversation today reassured me I was ok with my thoughts of being a switch, the friend I was sharing this with has similar feelings and understood the need to occasionally take a different role. The topic of gentle femdom got us both quite aroused! Clearly my interest in submission without sadism struck a chord!
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Old 01-17-2017, 06:19 PM   #138
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Collar_N_Cuffs View Post
Do be sure and check out the Switching thread please Some of this is addressed there.
Thanks! I will!
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Old 01-17-2017, 09:31 PM   #139
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Like several contributors, I was hanging out in the shadows. I am not in a BDSM relationship but want to answer Wild-Honey's first question about the man.

A few years ago I met a wonderful woman who had gone through several bad relationships and had closed herself off sexually. We got to be friends and then lovers. During the relationship, being by nature more aggressive and her timidity, I took control. But like Dale has said earlier, I was brought up to love and respect a woman and part of my satisfaction is satisfying a woman, sexually as well as in other aspects.

As our relationship progressed I asked her to take on a dominant role. To tell me what she wanted and I would respond. It took some time but she eventually grew into it and is now quite comfortable. I don't know if we were |in a true Domme and a sub relationship. What is one? There is no pain or humiliation. But there was control and servitude. And she loved taking control in the bedroom and was also willing to release it. Gentle I guess with her was a confidence in controlling me, knowing she had sexual power, knowing how to use it, but also knowing when to give it up without pain or punishment. Teasing, being playful, being tied up, yah there is all that aspects.

One might say we were just in a typical relationship where we both got confident in our wants, desires and willingness to try new things.
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Old 01-18-2017, 10:36 AM   #140
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Wild Honey
I am enjoying this post very much and being an older WMW I often have thoughts of "gentle fendom" , but the wife is not the type as I have tried numerous times to breach the subject and she will not go for it . So for now it's out of the question, who knows maybe one day I'll get lucky. LoL
Keep up the good post.
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Old Yesterday, 11:41 PM   #141
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For me I see the difference between the Gentle and traditional as reality and stereotyoes that porn has defined it as. Now it could be I suppose alos a level of kink? A gentle femdom is more about control and less aboit the physical abuse. Not to say there cant be some, but its not something leaving permanent damage such as branding.

what appeals to me about it is the control dynamics. As a sub for me it is about giving up control and letting the Domme lead me, not make all my decisions bit lead, guide. This can be reenforced with daily tasks or whatever but the idea is the same. Its almost kime that mental relaxation simar to sinking i to a hot tub. It frees the chaos of ones thoughts and put the focus on her pleasure giving me a sime goal of pleasing her. The Gentle Domme creates an environment where it is about the sub replacing priority on their desires with doing things to bring about his Dommes pleasure.

This differs from tue non gentle which, in my opinion, is more domonating to chamge ones perspective. Its more "do this and like this cuase i tokd you so" vs the other Gentle Domme approach wjere the sub begins to think "I want to do this because it will please her."

ok, well, thats enough of my rambling.

Great thread Your Grace
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