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Old 01-01-2017, 09:54 AM   #1
markphilip is offline
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2
First Ever Story - Working Late At the Office

Firstly a happy and healthy New Year to everyone!

I've just written and submitted my first ever story which hopefully some of you will enjoy:


Its about someone who inadvertently finds their father having sex with his young secretary...

I'd appreciate any feedback, but as its the first time I've ever written any story, (not just an erotic one!) please go gently!

Many thanks!
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Old 01-01-2017, 04:58 PM   #2
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electricblue66 is offline
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Oz
Posts: 618
Being gentle... your first six paragraphs are what we lovingly call "info dumps" - background stuff that in this case went on. And on. And on. Too much! If it's necessary (not much of it was) weave it in later, bit by bit. Once you got upstairs to the office the story began proper. OK, the earth didn't move for me, but Jon and Deborah were portrayed well, I got a sense of her confidence and earthiness, his lust.

But then... with all the mention of ages (Deborah is in her "mid to late twenties", the son is "six years younger") I start doing the maths - so she's 27 or 28, OK, he's 21 - 22. Wait, then he's a teenager (Lit rules, he's 18), but he's then stated as 19, and then just before his twentieth birthday. And now I'm confused....

That's the problem with info dumps - readers start using the information. But I shouldn't be doing maths in my head when there is a long legged woman to see - my point here is the unnecessary information gets in the way of the story, big time. Then you give us her bra size and there are numbers everywhere and I conclude the kid's an accountant and the story is dead in the water for me.

Which is a bit of a shame, because you've left little snippets of goodness.... Your writing is constructed well, dialogue OK, good grammar and spelling. You can write.

Ponder how your story might work if it started with Philip climbing the stairs to his dad's office....

Welcome to Lit writer's world, good luck, develop a thick skin, and keep writing. Make the earth move!

My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions
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Old 01-02-2017, 12:15 PM   #3
Really Really Experienced
8letters is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 475
I agree with electricblue66 on the data dump. Most of it is unimportant information. Or rather, it doesn't work as a way of fleshing out the characters.

I'm not an E&Y reader, but I found the whole setup implausible. By 3 pm, the factory is empty except for the dad and his secretary? They leave the door to the office open? The door is open wide enough that the son can see and hear them do everything but they never see or hear him?
Blog on my writing.

Latest story - My European Summer Vacation, which took second place in the 2016 Summer Lovin' contest
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Old 01-06-2017, 01:53 PM   #4
markphilip is offline
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2
Thanks for the feedback guys, appreciate it, especially the data dump advice, electric...

Plenty of food for thought, hopefully I'll come back with a stronger story some time soon.
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Old 01-12-2017, 02:29 AM   #5
MarriedMan100 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 28
Despite the extra info in the beginning - which I'm sure you will easily be able to streamline - I want to say that I think when you really get rolling, you do a very nice job. I'm sort of sensitive to a story's pace and energy, and I think you move things along really well when it comes to the sex itself. I tend to get bored easily, but you held my interest, especially with the tit-fucking dirty talk. Keep up the good work...
Read about Candywife's dirty fun in Amsterdam at http://sexandthemarriedman.com
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