Humor Thread

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.


On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

0

three pregnant ladies were sitting in the doctors office. the red head on the left said " i'm having a boy! i was on top." the brunette on the right said " i'm having a girl! i was on the bottom." the blonde in the middle starts crying and crying.the two woman ask her what's the matter? but she just keeps crying. the nurse asks her what's the matter but she just cries. finally she goes into see the doctor and he asks what's the matter. the blonde sobbing says " i'm having puppies!".

Cucumber, Penis and Olive

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

That's her

What's black and blue and doesn't like to have sex?


My "ex" girlfriend in my trunk.

Playing Doctor

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was
becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing
doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

A man runs out of gas on a deserted road. He's wondering what to do when a bee flies up and lands on his shoulder.

"What's the problem?" says the bee.

"I'm out of gas," the man says sadly.

"No problem," the bee replies and flies away.

A few minutes later a huge swarm of bees appear.

The bee hovers and says "Take off your gas cap."

The man does and the bees fly in and out of the filler pipe several times.

"Try starting it now."

The car starts and keeps running. The man is amazed.

"What did you put in the tank?"

The bee smiles and says "BP."

Things I have learned from my children

For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I have learned from my children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass throught the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
11. Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters don't like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV comercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year-old is wonderful.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

An Open Letter To Cats And Dogs

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say move, it means to go someplace else - not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me - then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT
AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs will usually come when called, cats will take a message and get back to you later.
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

Taser.. you guys will love this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long , less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and....

HOLY MOTHER , WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura (a well-know wrestler in his day) ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Sex Theory

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the
frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for
certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went
down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the
person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often
each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to
ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man
said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this
individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy
about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

Kinky and Perverted

Whats the Difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

Code word for sex!

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

A little nasty but made me smile.
DG

The Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were walking. one said, "girl we gonna get PAID tonight, I can smell the dick in the air."

The second laughed and said, " bitch I burped."

Basketball

Q. What do you get when you cross a basketball with a dildo?

A. A Magic Johnson

Most Ridiculous Traveller (Allegedly True) Complaints Of All Time ...



Top 10 most ridiculous complaints:

1. Briefly after checking in, a woman returns to the reception desk clutching a travel brochure. She then proceeds to point out that the bedspread in her room does not match the one in the brochure. Even when she was informed that the hotel had recently been refurbished with all new accessories, the woman was not satisfied until an old matching bedspread was found to replace the one in her room.

2. A man took the time to write in and complain that no one had informed him that there were fish in the sea, and his children had been caught unaware and were now extremely frightened.

3. An African safari is usually an amazing experience, but not for one honeymooning couple. The man complained that the lodge overlooked a watering hole where elephants could often be spotted. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Apparently not, after one of the elephants became aroused, the man was left feeling inadequate for the rest of his holiday, ruining his honeymoon.

4. For some people it is the terribly unfair commute that upsets them. One couple sent a formal complaint to the airline stating that it was unacceptable that it took them nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England and it only took the Americans three hours to get home.

5. Apparently many women have also had their romantic holidays ruined. A young woman left an unhappy comment upon leaving a beach resort claiming that all topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. Apparently her holiday was a complete waste because her husband spent all day looking at other women - and it was all the resort's fault.

6. Lots of people are disappointed with their holiday destination. Heading to the seaside, many complain that the beach is too sandy, while on safari it is ridiculous that no ones warns you that mosquitoes bite. When heading to a water park destination, apparently it is unacceptable not to inform guests that they need to bring swimming costumes and towels. The food is also often unacceptable - one man found the soup to be too strong and thick, but luckily it was ideal as the gravy it was intended to be. Another traveller was disgusted to find that on a trip to Goa in India, almost every restaurant served curry. Their dislike for spicy food was apparently the country's problem.

7. Staff at a well-known hotel thought it was odd that a woman never left her room, but they didn't interfere. Eventually the woman emerged and stormed to reception shouting that she was going to call the police - the irresponsible staff had locked her in her room and ruined her whole holiday! In reality, she had simply mistaken the "Do not disturb" sign for a warning to stay in the room.

8. Many people experience some teensy weensy problems when they get home - and directly blame their holiday accommodation. One couple were horrified to be placed in a double-bedroom instead of the twin-bedroom that they had booked. They now hold the hotel directly responsible for the fact that the woman is pregnant. Apparently it would never have happened if they had been put in the room that they had booked.

9. The pregnant couple were not the only ones to be dissatisfied with their accommodation. After comparing her one-bedroom apartment to her friend's three-bedroom apartment, one woman wrote to demand to know why her accommodation was so much smaller.

10. Other people complain before even getting to their destination. One woman was irate that she was not allowed to take her three-piece suite onboard with her. Yes, that was no typo - suite - as in couch and chairs. The family heirloom could not be put in the hold as cargo and she could not understand why she couldn't have it with her. Perhaps the size of the aeroplane doors had something to do with it?

Teacher asks the class," If there are five birds on a wire, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?"
Johnny shoots his hand up quick," None, Teacher"
Teacher repeats the question and asks him to rethink his answer.
Johnny again answers, "None."
Teacher holds up her hand, showing five fingers and takes two away, leaving three up, and asks him again.
Johnny, "None"
Teacher asks, "Johnny if there are five birds and I shoot two, why would you say there were none?"
Johnny, "If you shot two birds teacher, The others would be smart enough to fly away."
Teacher,"That's very clever Johnny, it's not the right answer, but I like the way you think."
Five minutes before the end of class, Johnny asks the teacher a question.
"Teacher, if there are three women sitting on a bench with popscicles, one is licking, one is biting and one is sucking, which one is married?"
The Teacher gets flusstered and isn't sure if she should answer.
Johnny,"C'mon Teacher, before the end of class comes."
Teacher thinks quickly and answers, "The one who is sucking it."
Johnny smiles and says, "That's wrong, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

Man is sitting quietly at a bar having a drink. Older man walks up and sits two seats away from him. After five quick shots, the old man turns to the younger one and says, "Your Mother's a great fuck." The younger man ignores him and the bartender looks worried. The older man says, "Your Mother likes to suck cock and swallow cum." Still the younger man ignores him. The older man turns and says, "Your Mother likes to get fucked in the ass." Finally the young man looks upset at this man saying things about his Mother. The bartender is getting ready to stop a fight and moves forward. Quietly the young man says to the older one, "Dad you're drunk, go home."

Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns………

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John

Q. what do you call a male ladybug
A. confused

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new BlueCross/Blue Shield primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I'm getting close to 70.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

Best Comeback Line Ever

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, in a pumpkin patch, at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a heavy drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? '

'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? Shit .... is it midnight already?"'

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Handley_Page said:

Best Comeback Line Ever
...

Click to expand...

Nice one! Thanks, Handley!

A man driving home after a full day at work is pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop walks up to the driver's window and asks for his license and paperwork. The man hands it over politely and waits for the cop to say something.
"Ok, son," the cop began. "My shift ends in 2 minutes, it would take me longer than that to do your paper work. I've had a pretty good day, so if you can give me a good explanation for why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man thinks for a moment, then looks up at the cop.
"Well, officer. My girlfriend cheated on me with a cop, then left me for him. I thought you were that cop trying to give her back to me."
The officer handed him his belongings and said, "Have a good evening."

A guy was having an affair with a married woman, he was in bed with her one evening and suddenly they spotted headlights coming up the drive.

'Quick! It's my husband! Get in the cupboard!' says the woman urgently.

So the guy gets in the cupboard and a little voice pipes up, 'It's dark in 'ere!'

'Who're you? asks the guy.

'I'm me mother's eldest son,'. replies the lad, D'you wanna buy a frog?'

'Nah, I don't want a frog.'

'Go on, it's £5,' the little lad says

'I'm not buying a frog!'

'All right, I'll tell me dad!'

'Okay then,' says the guy, 'I'll buy your frog.'

He gives the lad £5 and a bit later on, frog and all off he goes.

A couple of days later the same thing happens, the guy's in bed with the lady, headlights up the drive, 'Quick get in the cupboard!'

So he gets in the cupboard again and the little voice pipes up, 'It's dark in 'ere!'

'Oh no, not you again!'

'Oh yes!' says the little lad, 'd'you want another frog?'

'No, I don't want another frog, the last one died on me.'

'This one's a much better frog! This one won't die on you!'

'No! I do not want... '

'I'll tell me dad!' interrupts the boy.

'Okay then,' the man sighs, and pulls £5 out of his wallet.

'Oh no,' says the lad, 'it's £10 for this frog, it's a much better frog!'

'I'm not paying £10 for a frog!'

'I'll tell me dad!'

'Okay then,' the man passes over a £10 note and a bit later on, frog and all, off he goes.

A few days later the little boy is in town with his dad. Seeing a big Tonka toy in a shop window, £15, he turns to his father.'

'Buy us that Tonka toy dad?'

'Oh no son, I can't afford it!'

'Go on dad!'

'Sorry son, I can't afford it'

'Okay dad, I'll buy it myself,' and the little lad pulls £15 out of his back pocket.

'Where did you get that money from son? Did you steal it?'

'Oh no dad! I didn't steal it.'

So where did you get it from son?'

'I can't tell you that dad.'

'You stole it didn't you!'

'Oh no dad! I didn't steal it.'

'Tell me where you got it from son.'

'I can't tell you that dad.'

'Okay son, I'll take you to someone you can tell.'

So the man takes his son across town; into the church; keeps utching him along the pew, then pushes him into the confessional and draws the curtain.

The little lad sits down and says, 'It's dark in 'ere!'

A voice from the other side says, 'Fuck me! Not another bastard frog!'