Humor Thread

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Jerry walks into the kitchen and sees his wife Sue preparing to boil eggs for their breakfast.

She turns to him, pulls up her nightgown and says"Make love to me NOW!"

He drops his pajamas, lifts her onto the kitchen table and they go at it like rabbits.

When they finish, Sue goes back to the stove.

Jerry says, "That was great. What got you fired up?"

Sue turns and winks at him, "The egg timers broken."
 
Maybe something to make you smile!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17.. Procrastinate Now!
18.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
19.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

21.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
22..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
23.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
Thousand times the memory.

25.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
26.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few! :)
 
The vibrator

As a mom passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked:
"What in the world are you doing?'
the daughter replied: "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said:
"Dad i'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband! . Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, mom came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: "What the hell are you doing?'"
The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law." :D
 
Jerry walks into the kitchen and sees his wife Sue preparing to boil eggs for their breakfast.

She turns to him, pulls up her nightgown and says"Make love to me NOW!"

He drops his pajamas, lifts her onto the kitchen table and they go at it like rabbits.

When they finish, Sue goes back to the stove.

Jerry says, "That was great. What got you fired up?"

Sue turns and winks at him, "The egg timers broken."

oh, now that's just wrong... :eek: lol
 
UK: Bookseller's Award for the Oddest Title

This year's winning title is Greek Rural Postmen and their Cancellation Numbers (a comprehensive tome of Greece's postal routes) published by the Greek Hellenic Philatelic Society of Great Britain. Runners up for the award were: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders, and What to Do About It, and How to Avoid Huge Ships.

The Diagram prize was launched in 1978 as a way to relieve boredom at a particularly tedious Frankfurt Book Fair. The Diagram of Diagrams saw the public voting for their favourite odd book title from 30 years of former winners. More than 1,000 votes were received, with Greek Rural Postmen taking 13% of the public vote.

Quite why the public (or the trade) did not add their votes to the following is not explained: Why The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution, and American Bottom Archaeology.


This proves that my trade magazine on bookselling isn't all as dry as dust.

Og
 
Pierre The Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

:)
 
Cuckoo Clock

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning, my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." :eek:
 
Train Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, The man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we are married." The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"

The woman says "Good. Now go get your own freakin' blanket." :)
 
98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered
around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother
drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom
before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't ever sell that cow."
 
Hi All

I've been told that a number of jokes have been repeated. We know that but we don't care. :) We want everyone to enjoy the humor and post their favorites. If you've read it before, bypass it and go to the next one. Also if you don't post a joke, please feel free to comment on them. Just trying to keep us on the first page. :D
DG Hear


Ok, here's probably a repeat one, but I liked it. :)

some male points of view.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
 
Having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper
towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on hisbuttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one
slipped, tipping the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.


Still think you're having a bad day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals ever were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

More? Okay, check this one out.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

And even more...

Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a downed fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?? This should do it then.

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was his bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. :eek:
 
Wise Man's Rules

1. Do not walk behind me, for I

may not lead. Do not walk ahead of

me, for I may not follow. Do not

walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me alone.



2. The journey of a thousand miles

begins with a broken fan belt or a

leaky tire.



3. It's always darkest before dawn , so

if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the

time to do it.



4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't

be replaced, you can't be promoted.



5. Always remember that you're

unique. Just like everyone else.



6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.



7. If you think nobody cares if you 're

alive, try missing a couple of car

payments.



8. Before you criticize someone, you

should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them,

you're a mile away and you have

their shoes.



9. If at first you don't succeed......

skydiving is not for you.



10. Give a man a fish and he will eat

for a day. Teach him how to fish,

and he will sit in a boat and drink

beer all day.



11. If you tell the truth, you don't

have to remember anything.



12. Some days you're the bug, some

days you're the windshield.



13. Everyone seems normal until you

get to know them.



14. The quickest way to double your

money is to fold it in half and put

it back in your pocket.



15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.



16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It

has a light side and a dark side,

and it holds the universe together.



17. There are two theories to arguing

with a woman - Neither one

works.



18. Generally speaking, you aren't

learning much when your lips are

moving.



19. Experience is something you don't

get until just after you need it.



20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative!
 
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five pounds!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five pounds from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five pounds for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten pounds. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten pounds from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten pounds for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
 
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"
 
My thanks to DG Hear, DesertPirate, redpaint and everyone else who contributes to this thread. It's the only one I routinely view and look forward to reading at the end of the day when I'm tired and stressed. Thanks for giving me a laugh!!!
 
Three dogs are in a vet's waiting room: a poodle, a German shepherd and a rottweiler. The poodle asks the shepherd "What are you here for?"

"Well, I tear up furniture, slippers, clothes -- pretty much anything I can get my paws on, so my owners are putting me to sleep."

The poodle gives a sympathetic nod and frowns.

"So,what are you here for?" the shepherd asks the poodle.

"I'm here to be spayed," the poodle explains.

"Well, that's not as bad as my fate," the shepherd replies.

Then the poodle turns to the rottweiler. "So, why are you here?" she asks.

The rotty sighs. "Well, my mistress is a beautiful woman and a few days ago I saw her having a shower. She was so beautiful that I just couldn't help myself. I jumped in the tub and took her right there, pushed up against the bathroom wall."

"So, you're here to be put down too?" the poodle asks.

"No," says the rottweiler. "She's having me de-clawed."
 
My thanks to DG Hear, DesertPirate, redpaint and everyone else who contributes to this thread. It's the only one I routinely view and look forward to reading at the end of the day when I'm tired and stressed. Thanks for giving me a laugh!!!
Thank you, it's much appreciated. I'm sure I speak for all of us. We're just here to share a little humor and hope it brings a smile or two.
DG
:D
 
Golf at Christmas

Four ole buddies were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.


His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." and she said, "Take a sweater." :)
 
Body Parts

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

“Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

With a sneer on her face, Mary sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the class again,” Which human body part increased to ten times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy is she going to be in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, little Eric stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases to ten times its size when stimulated, is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good Eric,” then turned to Mary and said, “As for you young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind
(2) you didn’t read your homework assignment
(3) one day you are going to be a very, very disappointed young woman


:eek:
 
I'll be happy when...

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with ... and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting ...
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and, dance like no one's watching.

:):):)
 
My thanks to DG Hear, DesertPirate, redpaint and everyone else who contributes to this thread. It's the only one I routinely view and look forward to reading at the end of the day when I'm tired and stressed. Thanks for giving me a laugh!!!

Glad it helps :D
 
We should make sure Le Jacquelope reads these jokes, 'cause there's an awful lot of anti-woman humor in here; maybe he won't feel as picked on.
 
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