Ex-Girlfriend To Total Power Exchange 24/7 Relationship?

Hey all, first post.

I'll keep it quick. I broke up with my GF of 11 months a week ago. She was doing things like not keeping a job, drinking too much and ultimately disrespected me one too many times, so I walked out on her. I DO care about her so I've tried to be as nice as possible about it.

Anyway, she's crushed. I talked to her last night and she says she's been laying in bed crying all week, she's constantly texting me about how much she loves and misses me, etc.

I agreed to sit down and talk with her today (in like 2 hours). I've always been heavy into BDSM, and she's always enjoyed bondage, light spanking and just kind of being "kinky" - no real sub/dom relationship though, it was vanilla 99% of the time.

So (this may sound horrible) but the only way I could see us working out is a 24/7 full power exchange relationship. She makes stupid decisions. She drinks too much. She mouths off. She's proven that she can't make decisions (to my standards) on her own.

So I'm thinking I may tell her that the only way it'll work is a 24/7 dom/slave relationship.

Oh yeah, real quick I did ask her once if I'd take care of her so she wouldn't have to work if she'd be a full-time slave, she said "yes" and she was being serious.

So a few questions...

1. How would you bring this up to her? I'm thinking I'll just point out all of the reasons that I broke up with her, and there's only one way I could see it working but I doubt she'd be up for it. When she asks I'll explain it to her. I think she will be up for it.

2. She hates gags, bondage gloves/mittens and hoods. Just about everything else is fair game. Any resources on pushing a slave beyond her limits? I'm thinking during initial training I'll constantly make her do things that she hates (but won't hurt her).

3. I'm thinking we should agree to a 7-day trial period or something. This will be new to both of us (although I know I'd love it). I'd also love any tips for training a new slave, especially when she's a GF of about a year.

I know it may sound manipulative to tell her "this is the only way it'll work". But really it's the truth. If she continues to behave like that I don't want to be with her. And I had no idea how deeply she loves me. I didn't expect her to take it this hard.

I dunno, any advice?

Much appreciated.

"She's crushed" your words and you want to give an ultimatum like that?
You are either a complete douche or this is one of those posts that miraculously turns into a story.

The "He will change once we are married" mantra, just with TPE and reversed genders.


a) She behaves badly. You punish her. She likes the punishment. She won't change.

b) She behaves badly. You punish her. She hates the punishment. She will hate you and/or herself and lie and do other stuff to not get caught.

Trust your gut instinct when you broke up with her.

Feel free to tactfully explain what, in your relationship, were deal breaker behaviours. If she loves you as much as see says she does or frankly if she loves herself, she can work on those behaviours.

Personally I wouldn't want t be in a relationship, D/s or whatever, with someone that I had to micro-manage, as you're suggesting. That's way too much work.

Your life, your call, but chances of success......

FakeaSmile said:

"She's crushed" your words and you want to give an ultimatum like that?
You are either a complete douche or this is one of those posts that miraculously turns into a story.

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I can see that coming off as douchey.

I'm actually a really sweet guy. I've been talking with her, her friends, her parents, etc to make sure she's okay. I've told her I'm always going to care about her (I do) and that I'm always there if she needs someone to talk to.

Until I started thinking about this today, there was a 0% chance of me getting back together with her. And I only thought about it because I know she's going to ask if there's any way we can work it out. And really, on my end, that's the only way I see it working out.

Keep in mind she's agreed to this before as long as I agreed to take care of her financially...

I do appreciate the feedback.

She's told me she'd quit drinking, which is 99% of our problems. She gets drunk (a lot) and she gets stupid when she drinks.

Really I may not even bring it up unless it's her idea.

"How do I know you won't drink? How do I know you won't disrespect me, or my friends? How do I know you won't wine and complain and argue over the most trivial things?"

Again, I get how it could sound (and might be) a douchey thing to say. In my defense I've never been abusive, I've always been there for her, I always make her smile. I never cheated on her (and easily could) and I would have stuck it out but she crossed too many lines too many times.

A close mutual female friend said "Yeah dude, she's sad. You're like the perfect boyfriend."

So I'll take the douche comment into consideration. I just want to put some context in there.

Primalex said:

The "He will change once we are married" mantra, just with TPE and reversed genders.


a) She behaves badly. You punish her. She likes the punishment. She won't change.

b) She behaves badly. You punish her. She hates the punishment. She will hate you and/or herself and lie and do other stuff to not get caught.

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You may be right.

I never really "punished" her before. I'd say like "don't go get drunk" - and if she did and managed to not do anything stupid I'd just let it slide. About the worst I've done is a couple of times when she disrespects me I'll get mad and say "Hey, you do NOT talk to me like that, ever. Understood?"

And at worst sleep on the couch or drive home (if I'm at her place).

She says she'll quit drinking, and I know she can. She went a few months without drinking when we first hooked up because she didn't want me to see how she acts when she does drink.

One more thing, she's hinted at things in the past, like when she says something that I get mad at, she'll get all sad and say "should I act like a 1950's wife, only speak when spoken to?" She was being serious, like she'd really do that for me. I just replied "don't say stupid shit and you'll be fine."

A big part of the blame is on me for tolerating her behavior for so long. And in her defense she was never abusive either. When I say "disrespect" I'm generally referring to acting like a drunk idiot in front of my friends or out in public.

I dunno.

I may not bring it up. I'll just tell her it's over. Not sure, I'll see how it goes. I appreciate the feedback.

If you want to be a 24/7 slave to her drinking, this is a great idea.

You are breaking up with her because there are things about her you don't like and they need to change. Are you considering this type of relationship because you feel guilty for ending things?
If she can't behave the way you would like her to, controlling her drinking etc it won't work. If she is impulsive you controlling her every move won't work. Maybe she needs help to control her drinking and not being controlled in a relationship atm.

smscott said:

there was a 0% chance of me getting back together with her.
[..]
She's told me she'd quit drinking, which is 99% of our problems.

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And why is the solution TPE and not "to stop drinking"?

Netzach said:

If you want to be a 24/7 slave to her drinking, this is a great idea.

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Not drinking (maybe with the rare exception with permission) would be rule #1.

She's not an alcoholic like most alcoholics (I've known many).

She can not drink, it's not a problem. I've seen her do it for months. She chooses not to most of the time, it's mainly weekends.

Her problem with alcohol is that after 2 beers she can go from the sweetest person in the world into the spawn of satin in like 5 minutes.

She has some other issues too, but usually when drinking is out of the equation we don't have problems.

@wicked woman

I hear ya.

The way I see it it'd be like 80% vanilla. With few exceptions I want her to do as she pleases during the course of day to day life. I have no intention of telling her how to dress or when she can/can't see friends/family.

I was thinking something along the lines of this contract I found...

http://girlxunderxconstruction.wordpress.com/2010/10/09/my-contract/

I have no desire to micro-manage her life.

Primalex said:

And why is the solution TPE and not "to stop drinking"?

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That's a good question.

She's already said she'd stop drinking.

It's complicated, too much to get into on a forum, but there's other problems too. She can be irresponsible. She can't keep jobs, she's always spending money, she'll get mad at the stupidest things, etc.

So FakeASmile may be right. Maybe I'm an asshole.

When I planned the breakup (and I thought about it for awhile, over a month) I was hoping it'd go relatively smooth. I didn't want to hurt her. She's pretty and smart and fun, she'd have no problem finding another guy.

I figured she'd be a little hurt, may or may not want to be friends but she'd get over it rather quickly. I didn't expect it to have the impact on her that it has.

And now she's saying she'll do anything, just tell her what to do, etc...

Well, I've always wanted a 24/7 D/S relationship. And she's hinted at being open to trying it in the past.

I can walk away from this and be fine. I can be happy single. I enjoy the dating scene.

She says she'll never be happy without me (I know that's not true, but I can understand how right now she believes that.)

So it seems like an opportunity to say, "well, would you be open to trying what we've talked about before." If she enjoys it, maybe we'll both end up happier. If she doesn't, we'll be back to where we are now.

So yeah, selfish reasons. But she also enjoys being submissive - it's not like I'd be asking her to try something completely alien to her or that I don't think would make her happy too.

Industrial_Bondage said:

On the outside chance this is a serious question, what you're duscribing is not BDSM, it's enabling and it's not a sign of a healthy relationship.

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Would you mind elaborating a little?

I'm thinking your point should be obvious, but I'm not 100% clear.

The dynamic of the relationship and her behavior would change. That'd be the terms of the deal.

Enabling her past behavior?

I may need to think harder on if it really was a healthy relationship or not.

Serious question, thanks.

Netzach said:

If you want to be a 24/7 slave to her drinking, this is a great idea.

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This.

OP, you'd be making yourself responsible for the behaviour of someone who drinks to much, can't get a job etc.
You wouldn't be helping her get a better grip on her life, but instead enabling her childish non-responsible ways.

Also, like Stag pointed out, you'd be trusting an irresponsible drinker to not get you into trouble with people outside your relationship and you'd also be trusting her to give you relevant feed back so you don't go overbord and hurt her.

I've read little happy-porn-romance novels that end like this. Maybe there's a codicil chapter showing everyone healthy and happy and one of them happily submissive to the other.

I've never seen one tackle the realities of a codependent relationship.

You will be so very sorry.

She might end up sorry too, but I can guarantee that YOU will.

Speaking of reading...

There is a book out that my al anon group suggested to me when I was trying to learn how to deal with my ex's drinking and behavioral issues. It's called "codependent no more".

I'd be wary of taking on a boat load of trouble that this relationship prospect seems to be promising, even were I completely head over heels for someone - a level of emotion which you stated you don't experience.

Read the book. It's not expensive and it's got some "ah-ha" moments as I like to call them.

smscott said:

Would you mind elaborating a little?

I'm thinking your point should be obvious, but I'm not 100% clear.

The dynamic of the relationship and her behavior would change. That'd be the terms of the deal.

Enabling her past behavior?

I may need to think harder on if it really was a healthy relationship or not.

Serious question, thanks.

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It's enabling, because at the end of the day YOU would be the only one responsible for her actions. You'd be taking on the full responsibility of her keeping a job, not drinking, etc. How old is this woman, and what real [hard] consequences has she ever had to face (that prevent her from losing her job, or not binge drink)?

One of the things that drives me batshit nutty about the whole "D/s meme" thing, is that somehow people get this idea in their head that being the dominant = 100% decision making and control, and being the submissive = 100% non-responsibility.

Lets try a little exercise...

If you had the option to have a 24/7 D/s relationship, where you had the final say, you and your partner had similar views of how things would work/ were approaching things with the same goals in mind and commonalities re: kinks... would you still be interested in a woman [girl] who couldn't keep a job and drank too much?

Because yes, the dynamics of the relationship would change, but in this situation I'd argue you wouldn't be the person in charge.

I say get a recorded piece of evidence that shows she has agreed to the relationship. It's important to tackle her drinking problem hard and fast the best way to do that is to insist she check herself in some sort of program. Now if I'm not mistaken it takes three days to purge the body of toxins and even then you will have to give up drinking.

If you do this and this is very risky business good sir, very risky business indeed. I recommend implementing a punishment reward system to nurture the behaviors you want from her and the behaviors you don't want (like drinking). However she should also see a therapist as well as join a 12 step program as her Master she would be more inclined to participate in such things if ordered by you.

STILL ABOVE ALL ELSE MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT CROSSING THE LINE OF ABUSE.

smscott said:

Not drinking (maybe with the rare exception with permission) would be rule #1.

She's not an alcoholic like most alcoholics (I've known many).

She can not drink, it's not a problem. I've seen her do it for months. She chooses not to most of the time, it's mainly weekends.

Her problem with alcohol is that after 2 beers she can go from the sweetest person in the world into the spawn of satin in like 5 minutes.

She has some other issues too, but usually when drinking is out of the equation we don't have problems.



I have no desire to micro-manage her life.

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Who said all alcoholics are identical, either?

So you won't be slave to her drinking 24/7. I stand corrected. You'll be slave to her manipulation instead.

Primalex said:

She will hate you and/or herself and lie and do other stuff to not get caught.

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If she is not really into the 24/7 TPE, and is only doing it because it's her only chance to stay together, this will in all likelihood be the end result.

To the OP: it seems like you're both suffering from seller's remorse. There are no good outcomes from taking back the formerly comfy chair that has a broken spring and every time you sit down to read a good book it bites you in the ass.

You sold the chair and got a good price (the chance to find a more appropriate mate). Let it go.

FakeaSmile said:

"She's crushed" your words and you want to give an ultimatum like that?
You are either a complete douche or this is one of those posts that miraculously turns into a story.

Click to expand...

Awesome response!