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Old 11-06-2011, 07:03 PM   #2001
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Now I want to rename myself "sunny de light."
That sounds delightful.
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Old 11-12-2011, 02:36 PM   #2002
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A slave's resentment is a poisonous tincture. Caustic, gear-jamming, weakening, corrosive. The work gets done, but its flavor is destroyed, its foundation is shaky, its perfume is sticky. Resentment flows like a slow burning acid into every joint, every action, every word; so that even the most carefully designed offering holds the seeds of its own destruction.

A master's resentment is equally damaging. Gifts are laden with the weight of obligation, critical eyes cast bitter observations. Like self-fulfilling prophecies, requests are made that can never be fulfilled, and salt is ground into the wound. Resentment flows like icy venom into every glance, every comment; so that even the most carefully designed expectation holds the seeds of its own disappointment.

So why do we linger here? In the throes of resentment. Which one of us will move first?

We mirror each other, ugly in our reflections. And avoid seeing ourselves in the others' eyes.

And I know, as I have always known, that just the slightest movement to one side or the other will make a difference. Just the slightest willingness to change our behavior will change the circumstances in which we meet each other's gaze.

So I pledge, here, in this place of public pledging, that I will make the move. I will stop crying in my head that I have been wronged, and that - in being wronged - I am therefore absolved of all responsibility to be right myself.

I will simply be right.

I will stop mirroring resentment. I will stop letting it course through my veins. I will stop nursing my convictions that I have been wronged. I will stop telling myself stories in which I am the victim.

I will start telling myself stories in which I am the creator of my experience. I will start building a foundation of contentment and hope. I will share my love and joy with the people around me. I will breathe deeply and feel the courage in my veins.

I will stop mirroring resentment.

I will start mirroring love.

And if it takes a flock of parrots on a windy city street to show me what love is, then I will seek out the parrots, and I will feed them my crumbs, because I can choose the mirror I am looking in.
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Old 11-12-2011, 04:21 PM   #2003
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Originally Posted by eastern sun View Post
A slave's resentment is a poisonous tincture. Caustic, gear-jamming, weakening, corrosive. The work gets done, but its flavor is destroyed, its foundation is shaky, its perfume is sticky. Resentment flows like a slow burning acid into every joint, every action, every word; so that even the most carefully designed offering holds the seeds of its own destruction.

A master's resentment is equally damaging. Gifts are laden with the weight of obligation, critical eyes cast bitter observations. Like self-fulfilling prophecies, requests are made that can never be fulfilled, and salt is ground into the wound. Resentment flows like icy venom into every glance, every comment; so that even the most carefully designed expectation holds the seeds of its own disappointment.

So why do we linger here? In the throes of resentment. Which one of us will move first?

We mirror each other, ugly in our reflections. And avoid seeing ourselves in the others' eyes.

And I know, as I have always known, that just the slightest movement to one side or the other will make a difference. Just the slightest willingness to change our behavior will change the circumstances in which we meet each other's gaze.

So I pledge, here, in this place of public pledging, that I will make the move. I will stop crying in my head that I have been wronged, and that - in being wronged - I am therefore absolved of all responsibility to be right myself.

I will simply be right.

I will stop mirroring resentment. I will stop letting it course through my veins. I will stop nursing my convictions that I have been wronged. I will stop telling myself stories in which I am the victim.

I will start telling myself stories in which I am the creator of my experience. I will start building a foundation of contentment and hope. I will share my love and joy with the people around me. I will breathe deeply and feel the courage in my veins.

I will stop mirroring resentment.

I will start mirroring love.

And if it takes a flock of parrots on a windy city street to show me what love is, then I will seek out the parrots, and I will feed them my crumbs, because I can choose the mirror I am looking in.
This sounds familiar. I often am resentful that I have to be the one making the move. But I also know that it is the only way to move forward. I don't know why I get so stubborn and dig my heels in. If I am the one who makes the moves then we go back to calmness and peace.

I know I will eventually every time. By now I should know better not to wait so long, to make the move much earlier.


Thanks for the reminder
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:18 PM   #2004
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This sounds familiar. I often am resentful that I have to be the one making the move. But I also know that it is the only way to move forward. I don't know why I get so stubborn and dig my heels in. If I am the one who makes the moves then we go back to calmness and peace.

I know I will eventually every time. By now I should know better not to wait so long, to make the move much earlier.


Thanks for the reminder
I have the same experience, es. The same feeling like it's always "me" that's making the first move.

But it's starting to make me wonder . . . since my move always brings us back to a place of comfort and ease . . . maybe he moved first while my back was turned, while I was still blinding myself with my own discomfort.

Maybe he was just waiting for me to turn around, open my eyes, see things from a different perspective.

It never hurts as much as I think it will . . . letting go of my narrow view.
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Old 11-12-2011, 11:34 PM   #2005
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Eastern Sun, thank you and thanks to your owner, for this thread. I'm only on page six or so but I'll be reading a bit more each day (I feel like I'm really late to the show trying to catch up on all the juicy threads on this forum!)

I was in tears for several of those pages. This after a long day of feeling resentful and overworked and wallowing in self-pity mode. I just don't WANT to do the dishes and the kids are driving me bananas. But while some people find comfort in little magnets and plaques that proudly display phrases of insight and inspiration... I find comfort in the comments here by you and by others.

Too bad most of the comments are too long for magnets.

Edit for a PS... have you considered starting a blog or tweeting your moments and insights? I'd /follow for sure.
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Old 11-13-2011, 02:45 PM   #2006
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Eastern Sun, thank you and thanks to your owner, for this thread. I'm only on page six or so but I'll be reading a bit more each day (I feel like I'm really late to the show trying to catch up on all the juicy threads on this forum!)

I was in tears for several of those pages. This after a long day of feeling resentful and overworked and wallowing in self-pity mode. I just don't WANT to do the dishes and the kids are driving me bananas. But while some people find comfort in little magnets and plaques that proudly display phrases of insight and inspiration... I find comfort in the comments here by you and by others.

Too bad most of the comments are too long for magnets.

Edit for a PS... have you considered starting a blog or tweeting your moments and insights? I'd /follow for sure.
Thank you, Bluebird. I really enjoy writing, and I'm glad that you are finding inspiration in my words. It means a lot to me that it means something to you.

Writing is so time-consuming, though, I probably won't be taking it any further than these random posts. Even now, my husband is wishing that I were talking to him rather than sitting here at my computer. (which means, of course, I have to go. . .)
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Old 11-14-2011, 10:35 AM   #2007
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re: monkish

http://brooklynparrots.com/uploaded_...ck3-756830.jpg
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Old 11-15-2011, 07:20 AM   #2008
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. . . .
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Old 11-15-2011, 07:20 AM   #2009
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My leash just got very short.
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Old 11-15-2011, 08:53 AM   #2010
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My leash just got very short.
Does that make you calmer, frustrated or what?

I have mixed feelings when mine gets shorter...and tighter.
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Old 11-15-2011, 10:49 AM   #2011
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Does that make you calmer, frustrated or what?

I have mixed feelings when mine gets shorter...and tighter.
I love it.

For all these reasons . . . it makes "things" simpler. It makes me feel connected. It tightens my focus, and focusses my energy. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me practice discipline. It sharpens my purpose. It eroticizes my life. It brings out the qualities I like in him. It increases our interactions. It makes me feel good. It heightens my appreciation and respect for him, because I witness his intelligent action. It heightens my appreciation and respect for myself, because I'm more likely to act esteem-ably, and less likely to act on my impulses. It makes him look at me in a way that I find irresistible. It is binding and undeniable.

If I didn't like a short leash, I wouldn't choose to be slave.
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Old 11-15-2011, 01:08 PM   #2012
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I love it.

For all these reasons . . . it makes "things" simpler. It makes me feel connected. It tightens my focus, and focusses my energy. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me practice discipline. It sharpens my purpose. It eroticizes my life. It brings out the qualities I like in him. It increases our interactions. It makes me feel good. It heightens my appreciation and respect for him, because I witness his intelligent action. It heightens my appreciation and respect for myself, because I'm more likely to act esteem-ably, and less likely to act on my impulses. It makes him look at me in a way that I find irresistible. It is binding and undeniable.

If I didn't like a short leash, I wouldn't choose to be slave.
I understand completely. "makes me feel connected" Exactly.


Edited to add..

I guess I have mixed feelings about it because of how I feel when the inevitable loosening occurs.
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Last edited by ecstaticsub : 11-15-2011 at 01:10 PM. Reason: to finish thought
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Old 11-15-2011, 01:11 PM   #2013
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I love it.

For all these reasons . . . it makes "things" simpler. It makes me feel connected. It tightens my focus, and focusses my energy. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me practice discipline. It sharpens my purpose. It eroticizes my life. It brings out the qualities I like in him. It increases our interactions. It makes me feel good. It heightens my appreciation and respect for him, because I witness his intelligent action. It heightens my appreciation and respect for myself, because I'm more likely to act esteem-ably, and less likely to act on my impulses. It makes him look at me in a way that I find irresistible. It is binding and undeniable.

If I didn't like a short leash, I wouldn't choose to be slave.
That was breathtakingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 11-15-2011, 04:47 PM   #2014
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I guess I have mixed feelings about it because of how I feel when the inevitable loosening occurs.
Yeah, I know what you mean. To this day, I still think that things have changed when the loosening occurs.

But he said, just yesterday, "I don't change. The things that I want don't change," and left it to me to puzzle out why I perceive changes where they don't - in fact - exist.
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Old 11-16-2011, 07:41 AM   #2015
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Yeah, I know what you mean. To this day, I still think that things have changed when the loosening occurs.

But he said, just yesterday, "I don't change. The things that I want don't change," and left it to me to puzzle out why I perceive changes where they don't - in fact - exist.
It's our ego that feels abandoned as the loosening reminds us of the truth: nothing is fair in a M/s relationship.

When the leash is short they are close to us as their focus is also all on us. So no matter how hard it is, we feel wanted, we feel needed, we feel important.

When the leash is loosened, we are still expected to act the same, sacrifice ourselves the same, but we dont get the reward of feeling wanted and needed and special.
We just feel taken for granted.
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Old 11-16-2011, 10:08 AM   #2016
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It's our ego that feels abandoned as the loosening reminds us of the truth: nothing is fair in a M/s relationship.

When the leash is short they are close to us as their focus is also all on us. So no matter how hard it is, we feel wanted, we feel needed, we feel important.

When the leash is loosened, we are still expected to act the same, sacrifice ourselves the same, but we dont get the reward of feeling wanted and needed and special. We just feel taken for granted.
You're absolutely right.

There is one fair thing in an M/s relationship. . . you do get what you asked for. Question is . . . do you still want it?
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Old 11-17-2011, 11:05 AM   #2017
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You're absolutely right.

There is one fair thing in an M/s relationship. . . you do get what you asked for. Question is . . . do you still want it?
Isn't the answer to that question the key to everything?
And isn't that the hardest question to answer?

But, do we really get what we have asked for?
Did we really know what we agreed to when we first said "yes"?
The principle is a simple concept. And yet its practice feels like a never ending uphill hike. Where is the goal? Where is the reward?


Even in my part-time slavery to the Sadist, I ask myself the same question, each and every time: do I want this?
All I know is that the answer has not been "No" ... yet.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:18 AM   #2018
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Isn't the answer to that question the key to everything?
And isn't that the hardest question to answer?

But, do we really get what we have asked for?
Did we really know what we agreed to when we first said "yes"?
The principle is a simple concept. And yet its practice feels like a never ending uphill hike. Where is the goal? Where is the reward?


Even in my part-time slavery to the Sadist, I ask myself the same question, each and every time: do I want this?
All I know is that the answer has not been "No" ... yet.
I know that I didn't. Not really.

And I did get what I asked for. Just not what I imagined.

We've been together for years, now. Given who we are, the nature of our interactions, and the ways we approach the world, the tight leash invariably makes us both feel better, enjoying each other's company more because we feel like our needs as individuals have a chance of being met. (And not just sexually)

But the fall-out of the tight leash also includes having to accept that the limitations, obligations, and patterns of behavior that are established during the "tight" period will continue when the loosening occurs. That any practice or discipline that is established in his presence will continue in his absence. During his bad moods. His exhaustion. His disappointment. His withdrawal. During the times when he's giving his best to someone else, and bringing his worst to me.

That is never "what I imagined." And it never feels fair. But it is "what I asked for."

Just as much as my slavery continues through all my bad moods, exhaustion, disappointment, and withdrawal. During the times when I'm giving my best to someone else, and bringing my worst to him.

Believe me. I can be a pretty bad slave.

And that's never "what I imagined," either.

But why would we fantasize about the hard times?

About the very real, and uncomfortable pain and discomfort, that inevitably mars even the best relationships.

What I like about slavery is that it puts that pain in perspective. Quickly.

Both because - over the years - my experience of the more "pleasurable" pain has changed my relationship to feelings of discomfort overall.

And because - as slave without an escape clause - there is no other option but to accept what is, as it is, for whatever it is . . . experience it . . . know it, fully and completely, and then - immersed in the wisdom of its lesson - take the next "right" step.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:35 AM   #2019
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But why would we fantasize about the hard times?
Eastern sun....thank you. Speaking as a relative newbie...I find your posts very enlightening. I'm learning from them...and you
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Old 11-18-2011, 11:21 AM   #2020
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When the leash is short they are close to us as their focus is also all on us. So we feel wanted, we feel needed, we feel important.
I had to come back to this, rida. Because it's so true.

Who wants to put up with the things that are really, really hard if no one is watching.

Have you ever been left alone for a while?

If I'm not tied down, I will invariably try to move to a more comfortable position.

And . . . I'm usually not tied down.
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Old 11-18-2011, 11:25 AM   #2021
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I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy this thread. You guys explain it wonderfully with understanding and emotion. thanks for allowing me to see from the inside what this has the potential to be with the right attitude. *hugs*
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Old 11-19-2011, 10:11 AM   #2022
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But why would we fantasize about the hard times?
I do ... The emotional masochist in me, I guess.

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I had to come back to this, rida. Because it's so true.

Who wants to put up with the things that are really, really hard if no one is watching.

Have you ever been left alone for a while?

If I'm not tied down, I will invariably try to move to a more comfortable position.

And . . . I'm usually not tied down.
I wish I could say that I do because of slave pride...

But isn't pride an emotion that should not be part of slavery? Isn't "slave pride" an oxymoron?




Sorry if I all I have now are questions and not answers.

Things seems to have resumed on a somewhat very uncertain and temporary base with the Sadist, as he might be the one moving away shortly. I think we have entered what perhaps could be the last stage, where I'm being thrown so far down that it's all pitch blackness, where it is hard to see where the line between madness and sanity lies. So I might be the one throwing in the towel first instead.

Hubby has been making more demands on me and on how I spend my free time, actively using me for his entertainment. And at the same time life has been so demanding on its own that I've found myself having to prioritize the well being of the whole family above his own desires.

And I find myself full of questions and no answers
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Old 11-21-2011, 01:39 AM   #2023
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I do ... The emotional masochist in me, I guess.
Wow. I'm curious about those fantasies. . . With my slave glasses on, I am able to look back on difficult times with a certain fondness, but I don't look forward to them.

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I wish I could say that I do because of slave pride...

But isn't pride an emotion that should not be part of slavery? Isn't "slave pride" an oxymoron?
I have a lot of pride.

In fact, since I became slave, I have better self-esteem and take much more pride in myself. Mostly because behaviors that made me ashamed of myself (i.e. submissiveness in a culture of feminism) were re-framed into positive qualities. Or, perhaps more accurately, because I was able to see, and especially develop, the positive aspects of behaviors that I had only perceived negatively.

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Sorry if all I have now are questions and not answers.

Things seems to have resumed on a somewhat very uncertain and temporary base with the Sadist, as he might be the one moving away shortly. I think we have entered what perhaps could be the last stage, where I'm being thrown so far down that it's all pitch blackness, where it is hard to see where the line between madness and sanity lies. So I might be the one throwing in the towel first instead.

Hubby has been making more demands on me and on how I spend my free time, actively using me for his entertainment. And at the same time life has been so demanding on its own that I've found myself having to prioritize the well being of the whole family above his own desires.

And I find myself full of questions and no answers
I would think, rida, that those trips with the Sadist are even more precarious and intense because of the uncertainty and temporary nature of the relationship. Take care of yourself. No shame in throwing in the towel, if it comes to that. You owe your children a sound and healthy mother.

And if it doesn't come to that, please, please tell us about your internal journeys. Illuminating some of that hidden psychic space can be really helpful to your fellow travelers.
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Old 11-21-2011, 01:41 AM   #2024
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Last night, at work, I was told I was both "modest" and a "hard-working woman" by the immigrant women I was working with. Both were considered very good qualities in the culture in which I was engaged.

My slave-self wears those compliments with great pride.

I was also told, now that our project was finished, to go home and stand by my husband. The women felt he would be justified to be angry with me for spending so much time out of the house.
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Old 11-28-2011, 01:22 AM   #2025
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i think this is an interesting topic.

i know for me, i think i am obviously spotted as at least submissive in public, especially around Dominant personalities. i can't help but open the door, look down, and sometimes even say, "Yes, Miss" or "No, Sir" to a stranger if they ask a question.

Perhaps part of me just wants them to know because it excites me to think that they may pick up on it. unfortunately, i've never had someone reply, "your submissiveness is beautiful; can i take you home?"
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