Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

La damnee elle la licorne said:

This is the kind of thing I can imagine Cassie saying .

Funnily enough I was talking to someone about this today. I came to lit for purely selfish reasons of learning, exploring and self discovery. I am not so magnanimous to think of paying it forward and stuff, I still just try and get through my own week often enough, even though my home life is very happy and I am very lucky.

However I have made friends and taken some into my heart who I hope are always there and with who the word love is used freely, easily, truthfully, sincerely. My life is richer for them. Some are like Cassie...people I touch less often but know I have been for when needed and think she knows would be again and that I too could turn to, others are part of my almost daily life. Some the idea of knowing that like many things, might pass, feels heart stoppingly dreadful and even fearful. But that is adult life.

A part of any kind of relationship where ever we stand in it is the acceptance we can only control our own behaviour and response. Even with power exchange and some unconventional dynamics. This is very current in my life.

We can only be true to ourselves and trying to impose our style and rules onto others can be really limiting.

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Its easy for me though. I just create a few laughs, tell some stories. Chat a bit, listen to people. Thats all anyone wants. Every now and then I hear how I made someone's day.

When I first came to Lit. No, I wasnt like that. I was bored and in need of distraction.

Wow, the topic of disappearing online partners, or even just online friends, sparked quite a few replies. I can understand how that would be devastating and how it would be one of the main risks or concerns, but here's another question if anyone cares to answer...

Subs, has your online Dom ever asked you to do something you're uncomfortable with (not necessarily a hard limit)? Did you do it anyway, refuse, or fake it? You don't need to detail the specifics of what was asked...just how did you handle it?

And if Doms want to contribute...have you ever asked an online sub to do something that you wouldn't normally ask someone to do in person? Like, do you feel like you have more leeway because you don't have to physically 'face them' ?

Just something to think about while I go get fat on Easter dinner...Happy Easter to those who celebrate it!

Iamsubmissive said:

Wow, the topic of disappearing online partners, or even just online friends, sparked quite a few replies. I can understand how that would be devastating and how it would be one of the main risks or concerns, but here's another question if anyone cares to answer...

Subs, has your online Dom ever asked you to do something you're uncomfortable with (not necessarily a hard limit)? Did you do it anyway, refuse, or fake it? You don't need to detail the specifics of what was asked...just how did you handle it?

And if Doms want to contribute...have you ever asked an online sub to do something that you wouldn't normally ask someone to do in person? Like, do you feel like you have more leeway because you don't have to physically 'face them' ?

Just something to think about while I go get fat on Easter dinner...Happy Easter to those who celebrate it!

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No. I didn't fake it. What is the point of that?
I am trying to connect as real as I can.

I have to say, and I have told this story before...When I first got here I was pretty naive. The guy I spoke to (he's no longer here) told me to fuck a hairbrush. Not the bristle end.
I did it.
It was really ridiculous, it did nothing for me, but I think he just wanted to see if I would listen.
Every time I blow dry my hair I laugh.

I've said no. To a few things. For example, I will not address anyone formally, with a title. It's not something I am comfortable with.
I can be submissive without calling you Master.

Farawyn said:

No. I didn't fake it. What is the point of that?
I am trying to connect as real as I can.

I have to say, and I have told this story before...When I first got here I was pretty naive. The guy I spoke to (he's no longer here) told me to fuck a hairbrush. Not the bristle end.
I did it.
It was really ridiculous, it did nothing for me, but I think he just wanted to see if I would listen.
Every time I blow dry my hair I laugh.

I've said no. To a few things. For example, I will not address anyone formally, with a title. It's not something I am comfortable with.
I can be submissive without calling you Master.

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"Master" and "Lord" even "Sir" makes me chuckle...​

but welcome input from Doms as well (it wold be nice to hear how things worked from their end)

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Hm.

My first online relationships started 1998, as a result of virtual gaming worlds - Ultima Online being the first. It was something that occurred fairly naturally (in my opinion). You spend time with a person in a virtual world, you communicate, over time out-of-character topics pop-up, you learn the real sex of another player, you start to flirt (or vice versa), things progress...I've had two online relationships (one after another) there and I still remember them. Interestingly, one was a kinky submissive woman although I didn't see myself as dominant at that time and didn't specifically look for such a woman.

For quite some time, online relationships were tied to online gaming for me, as extension of the ingame relationships.

Things evolved (regarding myself and just how the Internet started getting more and more popular). Yahoo chat became the #1 source to hook up with people and it is where I first learnt about the perils of the virtual world - at that time I was still fairly naive and couldn't imagine that a woman (a real woman, not just virtual female) could be malicious just for the sake of it.

Well, I digress.

With regional chats the online relationships (rarely) started to evolve into real life meetings. But for me, these relationships never turned into something lasting in real life, no matter how long the online relationship had lasted before meeting (up to several years).

Leveling up in the dating and relationship process, I realized that I didn't have to hide certain urges, but could indulge in them with the right partner. So BDSM became part of my relationships, on- and offline.

I met my wife-to-be offline at a (normal) party, far away from where I lived. It turned into a two-year long offline LDR, till we could move together.

I learned about Lit from female companions and decided to sign up and take a look at it. Since then I share what I know about the world. I face the predicament that I'm very curious about other humans, but lack the time to sustain an online relationship with a person who expects me to be their one-and-only-entertainment, yet I'm not very good in sharing either. I've had therefore only two online relationships with Lit members that I would deem significant, but I remember all "flings", too.


*ponders*

Thinking about the topic, I don't think this text was what you had in mind with your question. I guess I'm a bit talkative today. But after writing all this down, I'm not going to just delete it.

cascadiabound said:

But the *disappearing* act is THE WORST

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This is the default way how women break up online relationships. You get used to it after a decade or so.

Primalex said:

This is the default way how women break up online relationships. You get used to it after a decade or so.

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You've been here long enough to know that the *poof* tactic/ disappearing act is normative for women in on-line relationships. I am not going to argue with your experience both personal and via anecdote.
I am, however, distressed to hear it is so, as I cannot personally imagine treating someone I ever thought I cared about in this way.

Also... thanks for sharing. I've never seen you so chatty on a thread.

How did you find the right Dom online and build 'real trust'?

Way back when Collarme was a place to go I found someone who was a mentor to me of BDSM and an online Dom. He was just the right fit for me. We slowly built trust interacting as people first.

How do you deal without the physical connection or intermittent contact?

We stayed in contact most days just by e-mail or messenger but when it went more than one day it was painful, for me, at least.

Is it satisfying but you still feel really lonely?

It was so satisfying that part of me wanted to leave my kids and husband go make it real time 24/7. Scary. I'm rarely lonely. I like to be alone but rarely get enough alone time being an introvert. Sometimes I'm lonely in a room full of people though.

Did you get bored? Or fall in love?

Fell in obsession but was never bored. I'm rarely bored anyway. There is not nearly enough time to do the things I want to do.

How long did it last? Why did it end?

It ended because he cut me off and apparently found others to play with. Not sure how long it lasted but not nearly long enough.

What are some of the things that worked? And what were some of your fears?

Ultimately I never found another person that felt just right. I also never wanted to feel that I wanted to leave my husband or kids again. I never felt it was right that I was so limited online. That made me feel shitty.

I wish it had never ended but it's probably best that it did.

Online Relating

Emotionally connecting online is a major concern for me too. My general fear of abandonment coupled with a strong masculine presence overwhelms me at times and I cannot think straight. Many a threads/ PMs I have abandoned in panic when I start to surrender since I fell deeply in love with a D once.

The emotions I tend to feel are much stronger online, people are much more creative, words and images bypass my conscious mind and before I know it my hearts beating like a ping pong! Intellectually I understand the people on the other end are only human, normal, but because I unconsciously tend to give my power away they become pure fantasy.

I'm not sure there can be any immunity for me from these connections, and there has been so much wize advise on this thread I think I'll have to keep a copy of it in a spare window if I start to connect.

Iamsubmissive said:

Wow, the topic of disappearing online partners, or even just online friends, sparked quite a few replies. I can understand how that would be devastating and how it would be one of the main risks or concerns, but here's another question if anyone cares to answer...

Subs, has your online Dom ever asked you to do something you're uncomfortable with (not necessarily a hard limit)? Did you do it anyway, refuse, or fake it? You don't need to detail the specifics of what was asked...just how did you handle it?

And if Doms want to contribute...have you ever asked an online sub to do something that you wouldn't normally ask someone to do in person? Like, do you feel like you have more leeway because you don't have to physically 'face them' ?

Just something to think about while I go get fat on Easter dinner...Happy Easter to those who celebrate it!

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I have, but for things that only make sense for when you're not face to face. Things like a picture of their face and such, and reciprocate. I know that that might not be exactly what you meant about asking for things online that are different from face to face relationships, but it is something that I do.

Great thread. Great timing.

cascadiabound said:

You've been here long enough to know that the *poof* tactic/ disappearing act is normative for women in on-line relationships. I am not going to argue with your experience both personal and via anecdote.
I am, however, distressed to hear it is so, as I cannot personally imagine treating someone I ever thought I cared about in this way.

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I find it funny when I see comments like this. The person who started this thread said the same thing. I mean who starts a relationship thinking that he or she may just need to disappear some day? What everyone needs to remember is that there are always two sides. Let's say you tell someone you need to break up or end the relationship in a sensitive and gentle way. Or a firm way, but some way handled in a mature and respectful manner. Does your partner accept it? What if he or she is in denial, or just thinking you are going through "a stage", or you are in a mood. Or he or she apologizes and then thinks you'll be back to normal in a few days. Sometimes you just can't break up and have the other person accept it and move on. So you try a few times and this person just hangs on or is persistent. This kind of thing happens ALL the time in RL and online. So what do you do? *POOF* Now, you don't think you just went *POOF* as you gave plenty of notification and were gently and polite about it. The other person just doesn't get it, so all that is left is you disappeared. I can guarantee plenty of people reading this have gone *POOF* as viewed by their former partner, though we don't see ourselves acting that way at all. And no, not everyone has, but plenty have without even realizing. Remember, two sides.

Now I may have not described that very well and maybe some steps or stages are different, but the person being dumped often sees his partner as just disappearing, whereas the person who is leaving sees it as giving plenty of fair warning and notice. A gentle and slow break up to one often comes off as a devastating and sudden blow to the other.

SilverBass said:

I find it funny when I see comments like this. The person who started this thread said the same thing. I mean who starts a relationship thinking that he or she may just need to disappear some day? What everyone needs to remember is that there are always two sides. Let's say you tell someone you need to break up or end the relationship in a sensitive and gentle way. Or a firm way, but some way handled in a mature and respectful manner. Does your partner accept it? What if he or she is in denial, or just thinking you are going through "a stage", or you are in a mood. Or he or she apologizes and then thinks you'll be back to normal in a few days. Sometimes you just can't break up and have the other person accept it and move on. So you try a few times and this person just hangs on or is persistent. This kind of thing happens ALL the time in RL and online. So what do you do? *POOF* Now, you don't think you just went *POOF* as you gave plenty of notification and were gently and polite about it. The other person just doesn't get it, so all that is left is you disappeared. I can guarantee plenty of people reading this have gone *POOF* as viewed by their former partner, though we don't see ourselves acting that way at all. And no, not everyone has, but plenty have without even realizing. Remember, two sides.

Now I may have not described that very well and maybe some steps or stages are different, but the person being dumped often sees his partner as just disappearing, whereas the person who is leaving sees it as giving plenty of fair warning and notice. A gentle and slow break up to one often comes off as a devastating and sudden blow to the other.

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You described it very well. I have said similar in a few other threads.
Sometimes people can't see, can't hear, can't read, even if it plain as day to the other person.
Whose problem is that?
Sometimes things just end. Period.

Iamsubmissive said:

And if Doms want to contribute...have you ever asked an online sub to do something that you wouldn't normally ask someone to do in person? Like, do you feel like you have more leeway because you don't have to physically 'face them' ?

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My situation with my sub is a bit different than purely online, but it relates to this question about 50%. My sub lives fairly close, but with jobs and kids and families and limited time we are often only able to see each other once, maybe twice a week and only for short periods at that. However we talk or text or message every single day. She is my best friend but also my sub/pet, so we'll chat about jobs or music one day and the next day about BDSM topics such as collars and sexual fantasies/ideas.

Since by far most of our relationship is cyber, am I asking her to do anything that I wouldn't ask of her if we were to spend much more time together? I'd say yes, for sure. But nothing at all crazy or overly sexual. She and I would like to spend more time together, but since we can't I still want her to feel owned 24/7. She has been instructed to wear a symbolic collar (piece of jewelry I gave her - anything from an anklet to earrings) at all times and sometimes I message her to send me a picture of her to show me what she is wearing right then. She is very busy and doesn't leave much time to relax, so sometimes after she has told me she had a busy or stressful day I'll instruct her to spend 30-60 minutes relaxing by the fire and to send me a photo of herself that way (normally she'd rarely save time for this without being instructed to do so). Other times I instruct her to get dressed up send me a sexy photo (never more than R-rated) just because that is a pick-me-up for me. Other times I give her some kind of homework like reading about something sexual and then sending me a report on what it means to her or how it made her feel. These kinds of things. We both enjoy this as I see her submitting to my requests and she enjoys being told what to do. This is how we connect during the week since RL for us is so limited. If we were able to spend a good amount of time together probably none of these things would be necessary, as we'd have the time in RL to feel or do all of these things. But without that time, we compensate with our cyber activities.

SilverBass said:

I find it funny when I see comments like this. The person who started this thread said the same thing. I mean who starts a relationship thinking that he or she may just need to disappear some day? What everyone needs to remember is that there are always two sides. Let's say you tell someone you need to break up or end the relationship in a sensitive and gentle way. Or a firm way, but some way handled in a mature and respectful manner. Does your partner accept it? What if he or she is in denial, or just thinking you are going through "a stage", or you are in a mood. Or he or she apologizes and then thinks you'll be back to normal in a few days. Sometimes you just can't break up and have the other person accept it and move on. So you try a few times and this person just hangs on or is persistent. This kind of thing happens ALL the time in RL and online. So what do you do? *POOF* Now, you don't think you just went *POOF* as you gave plenty of notification and were gently and polite about it. The other person just doesn't get it, so all that is left is you disappeared. I can guarantee plenty of people reading this have gone *POOF* as viewed by their former partner, though we don't see ourselves acting that way at all. And no, not everyone has, but plenty have without even realizing. Remember, two sides.

Now I may have not described that very well and maybe some steps or stages are different, but the person being dumped often sees his partner as just disappearing, whereas the person who is leaving sees it as giving plenty of fair warning and notice. A gentle and slow break up to one often comes off as a devastating and sudden blow to the other.

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Okay. I am not interested in getting into a pissing contest, nor do I claim to be perfect. Far from it. And OF COURSE THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY. I am no damn saint. But I do really try to communicate clearly and I do really try to be available to others to tell me what they need from me. I however... have not mastered the art of MIND READING. And I am not naive... I am well aware that no one starts a relationship thinking that it is going to go up in flames.

What I mean by poof is the following: little or no warning (one or no indication at all). No explanation. At all. And NO ABILITY whatsoever to contact the person because all of the prior contact points are disabled OR the other person simply does not respond to communication at all.

When things end. They suck. They do. There is no way for it to be easy. Especially if you are the one that does not want it to end. I have broken hearts. I have. But... for most of my RL relationships, including men that I lived with and wanted to marry me, we were able to end things in a civil way and remain friends. ACTUAL friends - as in, we went to each others weddings, celebrated significant milestones (career achievements, births, deaths) still send each other b-day and xmas cards and worry about each other when there are significant crises in each others lives. (Even though we live 2 or more states away)

On line seems more transient and people less willing sometimes to be good to their word, even as friends. And this sometimes surprises me, because I am someone who makes every effort to be impeccable with my word. If you tell me that you are done - its over and you do not want to talk to me again. I will leave you alone. I will wish you well - honestly. I may be mystified, but I will do as you wish.

I have no idea if I am "normal" in this or not.

This may be off the thread... and definitely not to the point that Silver Bass was making... but I got on a roll and I still want to say the following:

I would also add that the vast majority of the people I have interacted with on line have had what I consider reasonable interactions with me about their comings and goings. I can be disappointed and still not throw a hissy fit. Or hang on "failing to hear" or "failing to see". I am not going to justify my statements to the board - as I am afraid I am going to get torn apart. People come and go from Lit all the time - I know this.

Often, as another poster recently said, people who are here are searching, and hurting and damaged and are having really hard times. Harder times than we know. It is worth being a bit gentle with each other if we can. We are actual people behind these pixels. You never know if the person you are interacting with has a dying mother, or was just diagnosed with cancer, or is contemplating suicide, or was just served with divorce papers, or is about to lose custody of their kids, or didn't get any sleep last night cause they have chronic pain or any number of other things.

When people come to THIS corner of Lit - they are often even more confused and searching and vulnerable than many other parts of the board. We were all new here once. Let's just TRY to give people the benefit of the doubt. We can speak for ourselves and our own truth, without it being about anyone else here. I do not want to feel stifled about speaking/posting for fear someone is going to look at me crosswise and make a post in another thread an hour from now. That does not lead to a sense of community or respect. People are watching what we do here. How we treat each other here.

God grant me the Serenity
To Accept things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

I'm an atheist, but this shit is truth.^

cascadiabound said:

On line seems more transient and people less willing sometimes to be good to their word, even as friends. And this sometimes surprises me, because I am someone who makes every effort to be impeccable with my word. If you tell me that you are done - its over and you do not want to talk to me again. I will leave you alone. I will wish you well - honestly. I may be mystified, but I will do as you wish.

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Yeah, online is mostly what I was referring to, as disappearing online is actually pretty easy. By nature of "real life" much extra effort, even to the point of restraining orders can become necessary to deal with an ex who just can't get the message. Here we just disappear. Most of us were taught common decency as children and the old "do unto others" thing, but for some it doesn't seemed to have transferred as well into the online world. Another poster a little ways back mentioned that the typical way for a female online friend to end things with him was just to disappear. I found that to be true in my case as well, not online as I have not had that many serious online only relationships, but surely back in the '90s when I was placing personal ads to meet women for plain old dating. Even in RL they would disappear. Typically we would exchange phone numbers, talk from one to five times over a period of days or weeks, then arrange to meet. At this point the only contact I would have would be a phone number, and vice versa. Sometimes it would work out, but there were certainly dozens of times when I would be interested and she would not be. The typical way that was handled? And I mean 90% of the time, almost every single time? I'd call, and usually there would be some kind of voice message system. I'd leave message and would not receive a call back. I'd try only once more to make sure. No call back. Hmmm, before we met there was no trouble getting in touch. Obviously I got the message after no returned calls, and believe me, I know the calls would be screened in the first place. Odds are she heard it was me leaving a message and just didn't pick up. This is the norm. Frustrating because I'd really rather have them tell me something like "sorry, just not interested". Nope, that is too hard for MOST!

Now I know men can be just as bad in their own way. Why do I bring this up? Because going *POOF* is the easy way out for the one who wants to get out of a relationship. Surprising how common it is, and surprising how the one disappearing does not realize how their actions are being perceived. Yes, there are degrees of how quickly or completely someone can disappear, but to anyone being cut off it can appear sudden and without enough proper warning or consideration, no matter how much consideration the one leaving believes he or she has demonstrated.

Farawyn said:

No. I didn't fake it. What is the point of that?
I am trying to connect as real as I can.

I have to say, and I have told this story before...When I first got here I was pretty naive. The guy I spoke to (he's no longer here) told me to fuck a hairbrush. Not the bristle end.
I did it.
It was really ridiculous, it did nothing for me, but I think he just wanted to see if I would listen.
Every time I blow dry my hair I laugh.

I've said no. To a few things. For example, I will not address anyone formally, with a title. It's not something I am comfortable with.
I can be submissive without calling you Master.

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I agree with the 'no point in faking it', but I'm sure some people do. (I always think about those spots in some movies where the guy calls in for phone sex...he's getting all into it and the girl on the other end is responding with sexy talk while filing her nails and looking bored)

The hairbrush story was hilarious! Thanks for sharing that!

The only title I don't have a problem using is "Sir". But that's probably because I was raised to use Sir and Ma'am ALWAYS when 'addressing my elders' as a sign of respect. it's just kinda like second nature now.

Primalex said:

Thinking about the topic, I don't think this text was what you had in mind with your question. I guess I'm a bit talkative today. But after writing all this down, I'm not going to just delete it.

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Thanks for telling your story...and deciding not to delete it. It actually is the kind of stuff I'm interested in hearing about...well, any sorts of online relationships.

And god, I remember back when Yahoo chat was a big thing. That was probably my first online interactions with anything sexual. But never in a relationship way...just quick one time thrills! It was when you had Webcam video but still had to type everything! It's so funny looking back on it now, and I think I did hit the disconnect button if things got weird. I was never mean though as you said you experienced, so we probably never crossed paths...but maybe I was one of the nice ones I also remember that my bf at the time always liked to watch (out of the camera view) while I had (I guess you would call it cybersex) with other girls. (Wasn't really my thing but it turned him on.) Do people even still do that yahoo chat these days?

Anyway, glad you posted...and I'll say a big FUCK YOU to all those bitches that disappeared on you! (I still maintain my view on how shitty that is no matter what other commenters have said)

FurryFury said:

It was so satisfying that part of me wanted to leave my kids and husband go make it real time 24/7. Scary. I'm rarely lonely. I like to be alone but rarely get enough alone time being an introvert. Sometimes I'm lonely in a room full of people though.

It ended because he cut me off and apparently found others to play with. Not sure how long it lasted but not nearly long enough.

Ultimately I never found another person that felt just right. I also never wanted to feel that I wanted to leave my husband or kids again. I never felt it was right that I was so limited online. That made me feel shitty.

I wish it had never ended but it's probably best that it did.

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Wow, I can imagine how frightening all those emotions were. Especially if it was all new to you as it is for me right now. I'm glad it didn't affect your family situation as drastically as it had the potential to. Do you still have online D/s relationships at all these days? Or did you just give it all up for good when you realized how much of an impact it could have on you?

I've faked it. I've used the internet as a way just to get off. So when someone says "are you naked?" and I'm in my pj's eating an oreo inbetween masturbating and typing, I'll say "yes, of course."

I've fallen in love online. I've had really powerful orgasms online. I've let online intrude in my real life: I've stayed up way too late or been on messenger while at work just to keep that lusty, love connection.

The thing I've learned is to treat online like real life. If I were on a first, second or third date/meeting with someone, would I be talking about how wet my pussy is? Well, ok. Probably. But you get my point.

Back in my shiny, newbie days, I remember meeting someone for the first time after a month or so of online monkey business. We had talked about so many intimate, sexual things. So when we met for breakfast, why was I surprised he wanted that to continue? It wasn't a date. I was naive to think it was anything more than a continuation of the online stuff. It was surreal. We were eating eggs and he opens up this bag of toys right there at the table. He wanted me to pick one, go in to the bathroom and put something inside me. I was all lusty and hot and almost did it. I realized, though, I wanted to eat my breakfast and get to work on time. This wasn't someone who cared who I was. I was just the girl who was following orders. I could've been anyone.

It's so easy to talk about things we might not be able to in person. It's so easy to take a nekkid picture and send it off and feel great when someone says "you look awesome."

It's far too easy to fall in lust/love with an online persona. Some might say online is a way to be MORE open, to say deeper, more intimate things so you're getting to know the REAL person.

But you don't have to deal with day to day shit. Kids, in-laws, exes, shaving your legs. Of course I'd love to suck your cock every single morning when we wake up! After I brush my teeth, my hair, pee. I'll blow my nose and then you, baby...

I think it was Mr. T who said online fills up a need, a void in our real lives. Often times we come to someplace like Lit for distraction. Maybe the stories and an easy wank and you realize there's a whole forum!! And then it becomes something more. I've made really good friends here. Important friends.

I'm getting off course. My advice is to treat an online relationship like you would any real life relationship. Do you have the same goals? Is the connection satisfying? Are you enjoying yourself? Does your communication make you feel better? Comfortable? Then have fun. Fall in love/lust. Keep things in perspective.

FrozenBlaze said:

Emotionally connecting online is a major concern for me too. My general fear of abandonment coupled with a strong masculine presence overwhelms me at times and I cannot think straight. Many a threads/ PMs I have abandoned in panic when I start to surrender since I fell deeply in love with a D once.

The emotions I tend to feel are much stronger online, people are much more creative, words and images bypass my conscious mind and before I know it my hearts beating like a ping pong! Intellectually I understand the people on the other end are only human, normal, but because I unconsciously tend to give my power away they become pure fantasy.

I'm not sure there can be any immunity for me from these connections, and there has been so much wize advise on this thread I think I'll have to keep a copy of it in a spare window if I start to connect.

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I completely get where you're coming from...we fear these deep emotions, but at the same time, isn't that why we are reaching out and trying to connect with someone in the first place? It's tricky trying to 'protect your heart' while also letting someone in...

Lord_Johnny said:

I have, but for things that only make sense for when you're not face to face. Things like a picture of their face and such, and reciprocate. I know that that might not be exactly what you meant about asking for things online that are different from face to face relationships, but it is something that I do.

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That makes sense...but otherwise your instructions or requests would be the same as you would ask of your RL sub?

SilverBass said:

She has been instructed to wear a symbolic collar (piece of jewelry I gave her - anything from an anklet to earrings) at all times and sometimes I message her to send me a picture of her to show me what she is wearing right then. She is very busy and doesn't leave much time to relax, so sometimes after she has told me she had a busy or stressful day I'll instruct her to spend 30-60 minutes relaxing by the fire and to send me a photo of herself that way (normally she'd rarely save time for this without being instructed to do so). Other times I instruct her to get dressed up send me a sexy photo (never more than R-rated) just because that is a pick-me-up for me. Other times I give her some kind of homework like reading about something sexual and then sending me a report on what it means to her or how it made her feel. These kinds of things. We both enjoy this as I see her submitting to my requests and she enjoys being told what to do. This is how we connect during the week since RL for us is so limited. If we were able to spend a good amount of time together probably none of these things would be necessary, as we'd have the time in RL to feel or do all of these things. But without that time, we compensate with our cyber activities.

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Those are all really good ways of taking care of each other. I like those ideas!