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More Humour

Oh yeah?

Whenever yo momma wears yellow, all the men whistle at her. Because they think her fat ass is a taxi!

Yo momma's like a roller coaster...she has her ups, she has her downs and 20 people or more can ride her at the same time!

Yo momma has so many teeth missing, that it looks like her tongue is in jail.
 
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down

We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,

"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"

Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, is getting even!
 
get
 
Gianni Poggio, an elderly Italian man who lives on the outskirts of Positano, Italy, recently went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question though ..."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
 
Missing Wife
Description

A man went to the police station to report his wife missing.

Husband : I Have lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height ?

Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .

Sergeant : Build?

Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : Color of eyes?

Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant : Color of hair?

Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant : What was she wearing?

Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans - I do not remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : Yes.

Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

Husband : 2014 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 liter V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.

At this point the man started crying.

Sergeant : Do not worry sir... we will find your car!
 
A man was sitting in the stands with his wife.
Men kept coming up to her and fondling her breasts and putting their
hands in her panties.
Why do you put up with this? asked a bystander.
Because if i leave her at home everybody fucks her.
 
The Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below, quickly looked at his pocket GPS receiver and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 0 and 2 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault."
 
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.

He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
 
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

a tire


And


What did the shoes say to the pants?

Whassup britches????
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers? She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other? She looks very closely and says
"There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
"Now listen very, very closely? Are-my-test-results-back?"
 
Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand an d says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "Is it a horny bastard?"
 
:D:D:D:D:D
Handley_Page said:
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand an d says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "Is it a horny bastard?"
Click to expand...
 
Spelling class in the 2nd grade. The teacher told the kids she will name a letter of the alphabet, and she will call on someone to think of a word that starts with that letter, then spell it.

"OK, class. The letter A."

Little Johnny's hand shot up, and the teacher called on him.

"A. Ass. A-s-s."

The teacher was surprised, but admonished Johnny not to use words like that.

The teacher called out the letter B.

Once again, Johnny's hand shot up. The teacher was wary, but gave him a second chance.

"B. Bitch. B-i-t-c-h," beamed Johnny.

The teacher again admonished Johnny for language. She continued with the alphabet, avoiding Johnny altogether.

At R, Johnny's hand shot up again. He waved is arm, and had trouble sitting in his seat. The teacher went through every word she could think of that started with R. Finally, she gave in and called on him convinced he couldn't have anything objectionable.

"R. Rat. R-a-t." The teacher relaxed with a sigh, then Johnny continued. "Big fucking rat with a dick this long."
 
rjordan said:
Spelling class in the 2nd grade. The teacher told the kids she will name a letter of the alphabet, and she will call on someone to think of a word that starts with that letter, then spell it.

"OK, class. The letter A."

Little Johnny's hand shot up, and the teacher called on him.

"A. Ass. A-s-s."

The teacher was surprised, but admonished Johnny not to use words like that.

The teacher called out the letter B.

Once again, Johnny's hand shot up. The teacher was wary, but gave him a second chance.

"B. Bitch. B-i-t-c-h," beamed Johnny.

The teacher again admonished Johnny for language. She continued with the alphabet, avoiding Johnny altogether.

At R, Johnny's hand shot up again. He waved is arm, and had trouble sitting in his seat. The teacher went through every word she could think of that started with R. Finally, she gave in and called on him convinced he couldn't have anything objectionable.

"R. Rat. R-a-t." The teacher relaxed with a sigh, then Johnny continued. "Big fucking rat with a dick this long."
Click to expand...

I once had a kindergartner tell me one of her friends out on the playground used the K word. After telling the kindergartner to choose better words to use in school, I got to thinking.

K word? I don't know any K words. I fear I missed a golden opportunity to expand my vocabulary. :catgrin:
 
glynndah said:
I once had a kindergartner tell me one of her friends out on the playground used the K word. After telling the kindergartner to choose better words to use in school, I got to thinking.

K word? I don't know any K words. I fear I missed a golden opportunity to expand my vocabulary. :catgrin:
Click to expand...

Fascinating.
Anyone got any ideas for a suitable K-word. ?
[Knickers ?]
 
glynndah said:
I once had a kindergartner tell me one of her friends out on the playground used the K word. After telling the kindergartner to choose better words to use in school, I got to thinking.

K word? I don't know any K words. I fear I missed a golden opportunity to expand my vocabulary. :catgrin:
Click to expand...

Handley_Page said:
Fascinating.
Anyone got any ideas for a suitable K-word. ?
[Knickers ?]
Click to expand...

I fear it may have been spelling your kindergartner needed guidance on, rather than an expanded vocabulary!
(Kunt)
:)
 
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?

Nothing, they haven't met


A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
 
This might be strictly for UK folk

Three lads get caught in the jungle by the local tribe.

The chief has them all tied to trees and instructs the tribesmen to kill them.
The archer fires at the first man, the arrow goes straight through his head, dead.
He fires at the second man, the arrow goes straight through his head, dead.
He fires at the third man but just before the arrow reaches him it veers off to the left.
The archer fires another arrow and this time just before it hits him it veers off to the right.
He tries a third time and just before it hits him it veers off up into the air.

The chief stops the archer, walks up to the man, sniffs him and says......

"Are you wearing Aramis?"
 
Sorry if you've seen this before

A FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT THAT SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he's certainly your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Next day there's a board outside the front door:-

Robot for sale.
 
The Last Kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....Whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked:
"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe.....why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers and even the State Trooper, and then says:

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Pie. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why in the world are you committing suicide?”

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
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