Coming Out

Recently I had to come out about my BDSM side to my roommate. It wasn't organic or planned, more of a side effect of mixing my kinky friends and my vanilla ones. He took it fairly well and while he doesn't discriminate against me, he also doesn't want it around him. Which is very fair. I've also opened up to a female friend of mine and she told me about her submissive fantasies. My question for the forum is what have you found is the best way for you to "come out" about your kinky side? Has coming out ever brought about new dynamics to a relationship? For instance I opened up to a girl I've known for years and it completely scared her away. Dynamic changed to zero.

What exactly is there to discuss or explain?

As far as friends, family or coworkers need to know, my relationship make me happy; end of story. Anything else (IMO) would be unnecessary, and possibly inappropriate.

In the context of my roommate, I was letting a friend stay with us that I'd met through a fetish forum. She turned out to be quite disturbed and I felt he deserved to know how I met this strange woman who bites herself. That's an incredibly long story and I'd hate to bore you.

I'd say the time and place this comes about is in relationships. Like myself and "Anna" and how she went from being pro fetish to awkward and avoiding me. Stark difference from "I love you".

I'm not one to make a sight of myself or force my ways onto other people. I've just always been open and honest.

King621 said:

In the context of my roommate, I was letting a friend stay with us that I'd met through a fetish forum. She turned out to be quite disturbed and I felt he deserved to know how I met this strange woman who bites herself. That's an incredibly long story and I'd hate to bore you.

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"Yeah... I kinda met this chick online and ummm... I probably should have vetted her a little better. Sorry. I'll chalk this up to a hard earned lesson; it won't happen again."

See? The fact that you met someone on a fetish site had absolutely nothing, nada, zip, zilch to do with the fact that you let a disturbed person crash at your place. In fact, bringing kink into the discussion probably increases the odds that future kinky partners will be looked at as less than upstanding.

I'd say the time and place this comes about is in relationships. Like myself and "Anna" and how she went from being pro fetish to awkward and avoiding me. Stark difference from "I love you".

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"That girl I was dating? We broke up."

[Insert appropriate angst here]

I'm not one to make a sight of myself or force my ways onto other people. I've just always been open and honest.

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"I've just always been open and honest" is a pretty common defense, when people are new to BDSM and eager to share the new shiny. It also implies that people who aren't eager to share details of their own new shiny [BDSM] are somehow NOT being open or honest.

Reality check -

There is no reason my children need to know their mom enjoys breath play.

They do deserve to know their mom has loving, supportive friendships with people who want to be a positive influence in her life.

***

There is no reason for coworkers to know that (when in a relationship), I clean my lover's home as an act of submissive service.

They might get to find out that (when in a relationship), my lover and I enjoy spending a relaxing afternoon at his house, cooking dinner and hanging out in the garden.

***

My best friend of 17 years* doesn't need to be set up as a "safe call" when I'm meeting someone for coffee.

My best friend of 17 years does deserve a quick text, letting her know if I'm spending the night with someone new (and address where I'll be), "just in case".

*BTW, said best friend is the person who first suggested I might want to explore BDSM. lol

Coming out is pretty much unnecessary unless you're... Going all out I guess. Aka forcing your dynamic down people's throats.

The only IRL friends that know found out by accident. Then it was like "yeah I do the BDSM thing". The rest of my friends are suuuuper liberal and not particularly straight-laced themselves (one of them is in a poly family consisting of 4 people for Pete's sake) so I don't go out of my way to withhold information, but there's absolutely no reason for them to know specifics or for a formal coming out.

I leave my private life vague with pretty much everyone I know IRL. It's a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of policy. Even if I told someone, it would be vague and I wouldn't say anything about BDSM. I'd just chalk it up to, "we enjoy some fetishes." That's only if someone accidentally finds out about certain aspects. Otherwise, my private life us just that.

KoPilot said:

Coming out is pretty much unnecessary unless you're... Going all out I guess. Aka forcing your dynamic down people's throats.

The only IRL friends that know found out by accident. Then it was like "yeah I do the BDSM thing". The rest of my friends are suuuuper liberal and not particularly straight-laced themselves (one of them is in a poly family consisting of 4 people for Pete's sake) so I don't go out of my way to withhold information, but there's absolutely no reason for them to know specifics or for a formal coming out.

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Yeah, same here. I might discuss it occasionally if people have already established they're not going to be bothered by the subject, but I've never had strong reasons to come out as BDSM in the way that I've had to come out about who.