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Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
 
An elderly gentleman goes to the doctor complaining of having, "silent gas emissions." The doctor finally sees the man and asks what the trouble is.

"Well Doc, it's like this. I have been having a serious problem with my silent gas emissions. it's embarrassing to me. it happens at the strangest times and I am concerned about people knowing it might have been me."

The doctor asks if the man can cite some examples.

"Certainly - just today there have been quite a few. First, I went to my early morning golf game and there were lots of folks waiting at the first tee. That was the first time it happened. Then I went to church afterwards, and while seated in one of the front pews, I really let one go. Then afterwards it happened again at the library...so I decided to come here and get checked out.

When I was waiting in your lobby with all those other folks, it happened twice more, and just since I began telling you this story, it has happened twice more.

Can you help me doc?"

The doctor replied, "We'll see about that, but first I think we need to check out your hearing."
 
2 men chatting in a bar. 1 says "It's me last night drinking here. I'm changing to the Dragon."
"But that's 3 miles away," says his friend,"Why are you going there?"
"Well you buy your first drink, then the rest are free. You get a free meal and then sex at the end of the night."
"Now that sounds grand. Who told you about this place?"
"Me sister the model."
 
look-33133143297.jpeg
 
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
 
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new truck.
 
That terrifying moment when your cat enters your room, stares at something you can't see, and runs away in panic.
 
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