How do you help someone get over being abused

Gil_T2 said:

Thanks for your post, it is most welcome here.

I started this thread in an effort to save one lady & it has grown from there to where it is now, some who have found it a help drop in at times to let us know that they are finding life more joyous so please read on.

Somewhere in the thread a study was quoted that stated that the male & female abuse rate was almost equal & I was one of these males, it was only mental abuse for me & I know the toll it took on my life but all that has changed as I am very happily married now to another abuse surviver & both our lives have never been sweeter than it is now. Thanks to my sweet BANDIT .

Your post has also come at a time when I'm trying to help a lady friend in R/L who is dealing with abuse although she can't see it as that, she has been neglected emotionally for many years & is little more than a cleaner, cook, baby sitter & when he wants sex & it is only sex for his pleasure not hers, she came from another country so her english skills are mainly self taught, only gets a little money to buy the needs & rarely ever goes out anywhere she wants or alone.

Another after years of encouragment has left her partner of many years & discovered she can have a life of her own to do as she pleases & not what he wants her to do.

If we can only do our little bit it all helps the big picture in saving the abused of both sexes.

I stll wonder what has happened to the many who have posted here & left LIT.

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Noor said:

Gil - I will update you on one off board via pm.

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PertPerth said:

What you said is too true : women can be just as abusive as men can be. Sure, the way a woman abuses her victim is usually in a different way to how a man will - but the over all result is the same.
Similarly, victims can be anyone, male or female, at any age.
Abuse comes in many forms - neglect, physical harm, sexual abuse and emotional abuse. (This is what comes to mine, anyone feel free to add)
Abuse comes from many people, not just strangers - family and step-family members, friends, work colleagues, teachers/coaches and even friends.

In my experiences it's been the females who have been close to me (neighbour, mothers, friends) who have abused me the most. No bruises, but the pain and fear is just as strong. Fortunately, the Law recognises that!

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Gil_T2 said:

Your post has also come at a time when I'm trying to help a lady friend in R/L who is dealing with abuse although she can't see it as that, she has been neglected emotionally for many years & is little more than a cleaner, cook, baby sitter & when he wants sex & it is only sex for his pleasure not hers, she came from another country so her english skills are mainly self taught, only gets a little money to buy the needs & rarely ever goes out anywhere she wants or alone.

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m.j.h said:

Oh man I got a good idea who it is.
Not a lot I can do but really really hope you can help her in some way.

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mishelie said:

I have not read all of the posts and and happy to see so much good advice on this topic. Growing up and seeing so much abuse physical and mental I learned that the best thing anyone can do is be there, really be there and let them work through it with your help.

Even though there has been abuse many times they will still have feelings, so bashing the SO or asking them how they could let it happen will only push them away. Even at times when they are hurt mentally or physically they really do not want to hear bashing.

A non judgmental ear, hugs, and distractions is the best thing, and if they need more help, a ride to a support group and even sitting in on a group or two. The abuse is deeply driven and unfortunately all the love and support from a good friend might not be enough, and supporting them in perusing professional help is something they will thank you for later.

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Stegral said:

I am still struggling with issues from childhood.
Main quote from my mother was:
"The more they hurt you the more they love you"
be it physical or emotional I always blame myself for causing it.
I have been to many types of therapists, doctors & shrinks...
all said, I have had well over 20 years of "therapy"
I am still a messed up pup.
I am still unable to trust.
I still think I am worthless.
I still think no-one wants me...
Only 2 guys in my 25 years of sexual history got thru to me.
I have a bad backwards curve when things go wrong.
I always seem to fall for the jerks & assholes.
I am always dumped for another female...
I don't know if a down to earth fella could handle me.

I hope he comes soon if he does exist...
I hope he had infinite patience, love & understanding.
I hope he never yells at me or raises a hand at me...

I just want to be loved so bad it hurts & I am willing to be hurt to be someones...

Gil... glad you are feeling better & on the boards...

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mishelie said:

I am in no way thinking that I could help you through anything that professionals have not been able to, however if you ever need an ear, feel free to PM and just vent if you need it.

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Gil_T2 said:

I believe that you by your offer can do more good than the professionals, thank you for offering.

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PertPerth said:

This is so true, Gil! I think one of the hardest things is to ask for help (especially when it's about something you're not "proud" of). I was so ashamed to admit that I'd "allowed" my brother to take advantage of me for all those years - so asking someone to help me get over it was probably my biggest challenge! I'm sure there are others who feel the same way.


Stegral, yes, sometimes people who love you might hurt you. Just make sure you learn to spot the difference between a little "ouch" and abuse. You'll find your guy...he's out there waiting for you to find him.

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Gil_T2 said:

Hi Stegral & thanks for the bit at the end.
I met BANDIT who also "Didn't want a relationship" & we fell in love so keep the faith, find a peer group or even vent here, BANDIT & I are open to pms, email or chat.

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PertPerth said:

Stegral, yes, sometimes people who love you might hurt you. Just make sure you learn to spot the difference between a little "ouch" and abuse. You'll find your guy...he's out there waiting for you to find him.

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Stegral said:

I am still struggling with issues from childhood.
Main quote from my mother was:
"The more they hurt you the more they love you"
be it physical or emotional I always blame myself for causing it.
I have been to many types of therapists, doctors & shrinks...
all said, I have had well over 20 years of "therapy"
I am still a messed up pup.
I am still unable to trust.
I still think I am worthless.
I still think no-one wants me...
Only 2 guys in my 25 years of sexual history got thru to me.
I have a bad backwards curve when things go wrong.
I always seem to fall for the jerks & assholes.
I am always dumped for another female...
I don't know if a down to earth fella could handle me.

I hope he comes soon if he does exist...
I hope he had infinite patience, love & understanding.
I hope he never yells at me or raises a hand at me...

I just want to be loved so bad it hurts & I am willing to be hurt to be someones...

Gil... glad you are feeling better & on the boards...

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Stegral said:

I know you both have helped me more than you know..
it is the couples I see here in Lit & in the lifestyle community keep me hoping.
there are just days when I can hear my mothers voice telling me I am useless & ugly & no-one will ever want me. adding insult into it I remember what I was dumped for, by a few of the ex's & that kinda cuts down all the progress my self esteem made... Working as a trucker I should have no problems... but it seems all the taken ones want me for casual sex & the single ones have no interest...
*On a good note*
being in the lifestyle has released those demons that were tearing me apart.
knowing I can open up & BE myself without judgement is freeing...
letting the "dark side" of my mind come out to play has helped.
so far I have always been able to lock it back up & let it out on the weekend again.
I am scared of the day I can't cage it & return to the nilla world...
I want to "belong" so bad it hurts...
hell I would take nilla or kinky right about now..
touch deprivation is NOT a good thing for me...

Thanks for listening..

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Stegral said:

I know you both have helped me more than you know..
it is the couples I see here in Lit & in the lifestyle community keep me hoping.
there are just days when I can hear my mothers voice telling me I am useless & ugly & no-one will ever want me. adding insult into it I remember what I was dumped for, by a few of the ex's & that kinda cuts down all the progress my self esteem made... Working as a trucker I should have no problems... but it seems all the taken ones want me for casual sex & the single ones have no interest...
*On a good note*
being in the lifestyle has released those demons that were tearing me apart.
knowing I can open up & BE myself without judgement is freeing...
letting the "dark side" of my mind come out to play has helped.
so far I have always been able to lock it back up & let it out on the weekend again.
I am scared of the day I can't cage it & return to the nilla world...
I want to "belong" so bad it hurts...
hell I would take nilla or kinky right about now..
touch deprivation is NOT a good thing for me...

Thanks for listening..



Thanks Pert... I do hope so..
& soon before the negativity gets to me...

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sxcascinn said:

Hi

I have been lurking for a bit on this thread here and there. Just waiting for for some courage to post I guess.
So I decided today was the day. Might have something to do with the love and support I now have.
To start I will say I was sexually abused by several people as a child. One of them being my father whom I lived with for 3 horrible years. I don't remember most of it now but I do remember the worst things that happened.
I went from that situation to being mentally abused for the rest of my time living with family. Being told I was fat, being used like I don't know a housemaid, nursemaid i don't know what I would call it...
I lived with my dads mum... So on occasion I still had to see him, This was never easy and made me feel like I didn't count, that what i went through didn't really matter. At the time we lived 3hrs away from him so it was really only lucky to be once a year...
However after I turned 16 we left my aunts house my grandmother and I and moved back to the town of my birth. The same town my dad lives in, and she let him come to the house all the time... Even knowing I was going to a youth counseling program once a week because of what he had done to me.
Anyway i met a guy... I thought young and naive as I was he was wanted I wanted. After all he had been abused to... I was 17 at the time things came to a head. He saw how much having my dad constantly popping around upset me. He gave me an ultimatum, my family or move in with him...
So I moved in with him, he always put me down, never supported me in anything i wanted to do, told me I was unattractive and fat and lazy. So in the end thats how I felt and what I became.
I was in a terrible place, so very unhappy alone and depressed. When i was 19 I got pregnant, I wanted someone to love who would love me unconditionally. i know I am not the only one to fall into that trap but still I feel guilty at times about it.
When she was born what should have been a happy time was clouded by my very bad depression. Her father said lets get married and even though I didn't want to I said yes... I saw no other options. I felt utterly alone and our thrown together at the last minute wedding kind of reflected that.
After years of being depressed and unhappy, our daughter having behavioural problems etc us just generally not getting on. Telling me i was nothing and that he left no one would want me, he didn't come home from work one day...
A few hours later he showed up with his parents to move himself out.
At the time i thought I was pregnant again. Thank the heavens I wasn't.
He left said I am leaving your daughter with you as she is too much trouble, and all sorts of other horrible things.
We managed without him, were doing quite well. He broke in a few times and I had to get the locks changed etc... One day about 3 months after he left he wanted to have dinner with me... i thought for the good of our daughter i would go..
He asked me if he could come home. But said there was conditions. 1 was I had to stop going to school, something I started after he left and @ was that I was pretty much not allowed to leave the house without him.
I said No I am sorry i have been far happier in these months without you then I ever have with you.
And then I did something totally dumbass, a guy I had known for as long as my husband, since i was 16, payed attention to me. The guy that every girl wanted, wanted me. What a confidence booster, sigh...
2 children later that relationship ended a few years ago.
He was a liar, a cheater and an alcoholic who used my child to cover his own mistakes. i told him not to make me choose between him and my kids cause he would lose.
In 2002 our son died, he was 5 weeks old. My depression grew and was consuming me all over again. But this year with the help of quite a few friends, overcoming some more adversity and finally seeing who I am and my own worth I am getting better.
I am doing what I want, following a path that makes me happier, and from that new found happiness I also found a whole lot of love, both from friends and that special someone.
Now I believe anything is possible again. I have hope for a brighter future.
I still deal with the by products of abuse everyday, the doubts the guilt, but every day it gets easier and I feel a lot freer.
To those who love me I say thank you for your love and support
To Gil thank you for this thread, it is very heart warming to see the overwhelming positive response it has had.
To everyone else thanks for sharing your stories and being supportive, Without those that went before i would not have had the courage to post

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Raidho said:

Normally I would snip a post as long as this one, but it's stories like this that actually brought me to this thread a little over 2 years ago. Ones with courage and hope.

And stories like this shouldn't be silenced.

I spent two days (continuously) reading this thread, and then Katrina hit. When I came back, I was eventually "found out" by one of the men I had posted about, so I disappeared from Lit, later coming back under a new name and staying out of the thread.

I remember a lot of kind people here, and brave ones too, that shared their stories. Their sharing put some things in my own life in perspective, and I am a better person for having found this thread, and for that, Gil, I am grateful.

God bless you all, sincerely.

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Noor said:

Hugs to everyone.

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PertPerth said:

Speaking of hugs, I'd just like to say how important they can be - especially in cases of abuse. I'm not talking about sex - just touch. A hug. A hand-shake. A kiss. A pat on the back.
I've lived alone for about 10 years now (since moving out of home) and , being me (not so out-going or touchy-feely), have regularly gone for months without touching someone. I've noticed that I often feel most sad at these times and it's often a hug from a friend which 'cures' me. Fortunately now I have a cat...and he doesn't leave me alone!
There is something about the sense of touch that sometimes seems to have a cure-all effect.

In addition to my waffle; it makes me smile to see so much warmth coming from a place which may have once been so cold.

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Gil_T2 said:

Sadly some who have got out of their abusive situations fear any contact even a friendly hug, but with the continued being there for them it does life not only them but the person giving the hug.

Understanding & experiences help to keep this thread a warm caring places for those who need it.

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