Unconventional story in Interracial

I've never asked for feedback here before, but I'm not sure about my latest story. It's "interracial," but unconventional in that it involves a black Swiss woman and a white American guy who have many differences, race being the least important.

Proper Charlotte

I'd greatly appreciate feedback on the content, style and "hotness" of the story, as well as any inaccuracies about Swiss culture.

Hi. Interesting story. I have a few minor observations.

First of all, it's a sensitive and serious attempt at depicting an interracial relationship as well as a sexual encounter, and you have clearly put lots of thought into the venture. Kudos.

Geography is obviously important to this piece, but it wasn't apparent to me until right at the end where exactly the story was set. Which country are we in? Which city? Unless I missed it, maybe establish that much earlier.

I found Charlotte's standoffish character intriguing to begin with, but slightly tiresome as the story progresses. She does a lot of scowling, and generally has a stick up her butt about absolutely everything. I think that a few earlier insights into her other qualities might have made her a more three-dimensional character. Perhaps some kind of vulnerability or a sense of humour. Anything at all to give her a smidgeon of complexity.

The "nasty fucking bitch" comment seemed very harsh for your character. If it was meant in jest, you might signpost that more clearly.

Do people really mix their native language with English the way Charlotte does? It makes sense to me if she struggles to express herself, but much of her English seems to be far more advanced than the few phrases you have her say in French. I might be wrong, but I might imagine her reaching for French only where what she is trying to say is not so straightforward in English?

Why does Charlotte cheer up and decide to fuck this guy? That was not completely clear to me. I think a bit of an arc is needed there. Is it simply because he is nice in the context of people being unpleasant to her? That seems a bit simplistic, but I guess it works. I just wanted more of a justification for her change of attitude.

Nice work overall. I enjoyed it.

Thank you very much, thewinedarksea. Very insightful.

It never occurred to me that the place wasn't clear... it's "somewhere in the rural U.S." I'll flesh that out in a revision. And yes, I need to show her warming to Travis much better and her motivation for hopping in the shower with him.

People not used to working in a second language do tend to lapse into their native tongue when angry or otherwise emotional (and to swear, especially when they know the other person won't understand). But there are places in the story where her use of French is unwarranted.

Thanks again for the valuable feedback. Much appreciated!

Very nice writing, a slow and leisurely pace, no rush. I thought you light brushed Charlotte nicely, her aloofness worked for me, and her frank awareness of herself. The little vignette when she stood before Travis - perfect. I instantly thought of the Namibian community in my city, the men and women so black, you can't help but look. Beautiful. You caught it very well indeed.

You might take some shit from ignorants because you dared to use French, but the way you did it was perfect - so ignore that as a criticism if it comes. Their problem, not yours.

I didn't register they were in America but I don't think it mattered - the story actually had an English feel to it, I don't know why, can't put a finger on it. But you caught the foreignness of it - the two layers of it, cultural and colour - with great sensitivity.

Minor editorials here and there, nothing an even more rigorous proof read won't catch. Nothing that gets in the way.

You can write, keep doing so, you'll get an appreciative audience.

EB

Wow... I didn't expect feedback from an author as accomplished as you, EB. Thanks!

And thanks for the very encouraging words. I'm so glad the story worked for you, rough edges and all.

Guess I really have to work on establishing the setting. Interesting you pictured it in the UK... I had the Virginias or Carolinas in mind, but the story could work just as well set in the UK.

Thanks very RubenR for the feedback. Seems I have some holes in the background that need filling.

This story took a ton a research, since I have no first-hand knowledge of Swiss culture (thank you Youtube bloggers and thelocal.ch). My French-speaking beta reader thought the French was correct in context, including the informal "tu" which would be used between equals who are not complete strangers. But French is so tricky... getting opinions from any two francophones is worse than getting two economists to agree on fiscal policy

I originally had her family coming from southern Sudan but it's such a tragically devastated region it seemed less plausible for her family to have the means or education to migrate to a rich nation like Switzerland. There are apparently some notably dark people in Cameroon, plus it isn't that far from Sudan and people move between African nations just like anywhere.

Excellent observation about the food. The dish he prepared is a popular Swiss comfort food so it seemed reasonable it would be for her, born and raised in Zurich. I'll add some internal dialogue with him debating his choices to smooth that over.

For the racism in Switzerland, you're absolutely right it's not as big a deal with the younger generations, but from what I've found, interracial couples are still a big issue. A surprising thing is that it's not really racism with the Swiss... it's more about fear of cultural change and distrust of outsiders than any ideas about "racial superiority". The term "African" is a common term for black people in Switzerland, at least according to my research.

I had a whole backstory about the plant workers not wanting the plant to get bought in a hostile takeover by foreigners, hence the obstruction on the audit and her lack of authority. It didn't contribute to the story so I ripped it out. Clearly there are some ragged edges left from that.

Many Europeans I've worked with have a hard time internalizing the size of North America. Even when they know it intellectually, colleagues have asked to visit landmarks over a weekend that would take days to drive too. I'll amp that up in the next revision of the story.

Thanks again for your insights. Much appreciated!

My advice - don't revise this story. It's fine as a nice little learning curve.

Instead, write a new story, then another one, then the next. That way, you have three, four, five stories under your belt, not one revised five times. I see this a lot - new writers who think their first work is worth reworking. It might be, if it was a train wreck. Yours isn't a train wreck, it's okay. Learn from it, but leave it, I reckon; you'll learn your chops a whole lot quicker.

Besides, I need someone else to share the load on slow burn around here. My betas say, "oh no, how many paragraphs to get the first button off in this one?" Your equivalent is how many times does he cook an egg? And take a sauna.

Write a new egg .

Thanks, EB. I'd love the strength to lay 'em and leave 'em. So far I've mustered the fortitude to keep revisions to just one. Besides, can't let so much valuable critique go to waste.

This is my ninth published egg, with four more still forming in the chicken. Hopefully I'll be able to lay at least one of those right the first time

SyleusSnow said:

Thanks, EB. I'd love the strength to lay 'em and leave 'em. So far I've mustered the fortitude to keep revisions to just one. Besides, can't let so much valuable critique go to waste.

This is my ninth published egg, with four more still forming in the chicken. Hopefully I'll be able to lay at least one of those right the first time

Click to expand...

Keep going, I got to cook omelettes in two stories!

thewinedarksea said:

Why does Charlotte cheer up and decide to fuck this guy? That was not completely clear to me. I think a bit of an arc is needed there. Is it simply because he is nice in the context of people being unpleasant to her? That seems a bit simplistic, but I guess it works. I just wanted more of a justification for her change of attitude.

Nice work overall. I enjoyed it.

Click to expand...

I agree, this was the weakest element in a very strong story. But I have to say, the degree of difficulty involved in writing a story where the plot development depends on the other main character, not the narrator, changing, is pretty damn high. Syleus came pretty close to pulling it off perfectly, certainly well enough that the imperfections don't matter much.

Thanks very much, MelissaBaby. Without question that needs fixing. I'm revising (just once!) to address that aspect and lesser flaws. It'll be slightly more egg-shaped, though still blotchy with some sharp corners