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Dear Clowns

Got a question in my PM asking why I hate Clowns:

It really is simple. No human being should cover themselves in paint to hide the saddness that they feel in real life. Whether they were touched as kids, missed the ice cream truck everytime it came around or never had a Nintendo, they shouldn't have to cover that shame with caked on white face.

I keep thinking everytime I see one that another one is going to come up behind me and take my wallet. there is something sinister about clowns. They have really big feet, red noses and huge red lips. Who are they hiding from? Why can'' they get a vehicle that would fit all of them normally?

They are just creepy people who need hugs, without the make-up on of course.
 
Dear Clowns

More laundry eating. More clothes without buttons. What's a girl to do?

Despairing Naughty Dog Owner :kiss:
 
EnglishRoseFox said:
Dear Clowns

More laundry eating. More clothes without buttons. What's a girl to do?

Despairing Naughty Dog Owner :kiss:
Click to expand...

Dear Lost Laundry Lass,

I have that same model drier. Isn't it amazing how many socks and buttons a drier will eat? I have decided to fight back against mine. I buy my socks and underwear in bulk. That way I never run out. If I get down to the nitty gritty in either one I will just turn them inside out and wear them again.

The other thing I have done is not wear any clothes that requires buttons. I have this amazing drawstring sweatsuit that I wear almost every day. It is grey, well used to be grey now it is a mix match of colors from stains, but still I never have to worry about losing button.

I wear spandex jeans. They may make my butt look bigger, but my drier seems to be losing weight not getting anything to eat. I wear a lot of pullover sweaters and hoodies. Women like a guy in drawstring sweat pants and a nice wool sweater. I suppose it is kind of sexy for a woman to watch a guy walking down the street in sweatpants looking down at his junk swaying and every once in a while catching a glimps of his helmet pressing against the cotton sweats. How could that not get a woman moist. Especially if he is wearing black socks and white tennis shoes with them.

For a woman there are plenty of clothes that don't require buttons or socks. Take your av for instance. Just wear bikinis all day long. Or better yet the mumu. I mean what screams I wanna fuck your brains out then telling a man over the phone I am wearing a mumu.

So take my advice. Invest in mumu's and bikinis. You will never lose another button or sock again.
 
IhateClowns said:
Dear Lost Laundry Lass,

I have that same model drier. Isn't it amazing how many socks and buttons a drier will eat? I have decided to fight back against mine. I buy my socks and underwear in bulk. That way I never run out. If I get down to the nitty gritty in either one I will just turn them inside out and wear them again.

The other thing I have done is not wear any clothes that requires buttons. I have this amazing drawstring sweatsuit that I wear almost every day. It is grey, well used to be grey now it is a mix match of colors from stains, but still I never have to worry about losing button.

I wear spandex jeans. They may make my butt look bigger, but my drier seems to be losing weight not getting anything to eat. I wear a lot of pullover sweaters and hoodies. Women like a guy in drawstring sweat pants and a nice wool sweater. I suppose it is kind of sexy for a woman to watch a guy walking down the street in sweatpants looking down at his junk swaying and every once in a while catching a glimps of his helmet pressing against the cotton sweats. How could that not get a woman moist. Especially if he is wearing black socks and white tennis shoes with them.

For a woman there are plenty of clothes that don't require buttons or socks. Take your av for instance. Just wear bikinis all day long. Or better yet the mumu. I mean what screams I wanna fuck your brains out then telling a man over the phone I am wearing a mumu.

So take my advice. Invest in mumu's and bikinis. You will never lose another button or sock again.
Click to expand...

Dear Clowns

WTF is a mumu?

Still Disgruntled Naughty Dog Owner

PS...it's the dog that eats the buttons not the dryer :(
 
EnglishRoseFox said:
Dear Clowns

WTF is a mumu?

Still Disgruntled Naughty Dog Owner

PS...it's the dog that eats the buttons not the dryer :(
Click to expand...

Oooops I misunderstood the question...Here is a mumu by the way:



If she doesn't scream "Come fuck me" I really don't know what else possibly could
 
EnglishRoseFox said:
Dear Clowns

WTF is a mumu?

Still Disgruntled Naughty Dog Owner

PS...it's the dog that eats the buttons not the dryer :(
Click to expand...

Your dog eats you buttons? I would suggest you tuck a napkin in your collar when you eat from now on. Getting juices and spices all over your clothes has caused your dog to start eating them. I would suggest better eating habits.

If that doesn't work I would walk around with the dog after they have eaten your clothes and wait for it to pop a squat. I highly doubt that buttons are digestable so you will be able to find them pretty easily. Just make sure you don't allow you dog to ass walk across your carpet as passing those buttons probably causes some irritations that they may need to scratch every now and then.
 
EnglishRoseFox said:
Dear Clowns

Why? Just why? :D

Non Mumu Wearer
Click to expand...

Dear why,

The question is why not? It is comfortable. It flows sexily when the wind gusts up over 70mph. Plus it is form fitting. You can tell she has a beautiful body. Also doubles as a shelter for your kids incase it starts raining unexpectantly.
 
IhateClowns said:
Oooops I misunderstood the question...Here is a mumu by the way:



If she doesn't scream "Come fuck me" I really don't know what else possibly could
Click to expand...

If it's the dog, drawstrings won't cut it.

A button eating dog will also gnaw through anything remotely snake looking (or is that just my dog?). Looks like it's the 'mumu' or the bikini... ERF my advice is to stick with the bikini honey - you look just fabulous in it. :)

But as you have asked advice from Clowns, he may feel a little hurt that you haven't taken on his suggestion of a mumu. I'm sure you can handle him, though....
 
IhateClowns said:
Your dog eats you buttons? I would suggest you tuck a napkin in your collar when you eat from now on. Getting juices and spices all over your clothes has caused your dog to start eating them. I would suggest better eating habits.

If that doesn't work I would walk around with the dog after they have eaten your clothes and wait for it to pop a squat. I highly doubt that buttons are digestable so you will be able to find them pretty easily. Just make sure you don't allow you dog to ass walk across your carpet as passing those buttons probably causes some irritations that they may need to scratch every now and then.
Click to expand...

IhateClowns said:
Dear why,

The question is why not? It is comfortable. It flows sexily when the wind gusts up over 70mph. Plus it is form fitting. You can tell she has a beautiful body. Also doubles as a shelter for your kids incase it starts raining unexpectantly.
Click to expand...

Dear Clowns

Your advice is invaluable. How did I ever live without you? I am contemplating not getting out of bed in the morning without consulting you first.

Grateful Mumu Wearing Dog Squatting Owner

;)
 
lolaluscious said:
If it's the dog, drawstrings won't cut it.

A button eating dog will also gnaw through anything remotely snake looking (or is that just my dog?). Looks like it's the 'mumu' or the bikini... ERF my advice is to stick with the bikini honey - you look just fabulous in it. :)

But as you have asked advice from Clowns, he may feel a little hurt that you haven't taken on his suggestion of a mumu. I'm sure you can handle him, though....
Click to expand...

Hehe Lola..yes my dog seems to enjoy the snake looking things too! :eek: I have no idea where she gets that from ;)

It's ok, I have bowed to his infinite wisdom and am already sourcing Mumus from my favourite online boutiques :D

:kiss:

(I wanna wear a bikini to work but they won't let me dammit!)
 
EnglishRoseFox said:
Dear Clowns

Your advice is invaluable. How did I ever live without you? I am contemplating not getting out of bed in the morning without consulting you first.

Grateful Mumu Wearing Dog Squatting Owner

;)
Click to expand...

Oh it is valuable my dear. For the right price I will sell my advice. All of it to you. I have it in a 6 box CD set. It is valued at $5 million but for today I am willing to reduce that price to $4.99 million. Yes that is right I am willing to take off $100,000. Now of course you will have to pay for shipping and handling which is $300,000 so in actuality I am willing to sell my knowledge for $5,100,000.

But wait that is not all. I am also willing to throw in my jack towel. That is worth about $10 on ebay. A lock of my hair. and a ginzo knife. Not a set but I have one sitting in a drawer. That knife will slice a tomato and then cut through a can in about 8 seconds. I have cut so many cans to show people how good the knife is that it isn't sharp anymore.

Anyway I will throw in the entire package for just of $5. I do not accept checks, but do movie and restaraunt gift cards. $5 million dollars to Applebees would be awesome.
 
lolaluscious said:
If it's the dog, drawstrings won't cut it.

A button eating dog will also gnaw through anything remotely snake looking (or is that just my dog?). Looks like it's the 'mumu' or the bikini... ERF my advice is to stick with the bikini honey - you look just fabulous in it. :)

But as you have asked advice from Clowns, he may feel a little hurt that you haven't taken on his suggestion of a mumu. I'm sure you can handle him, though....
Click to expand...

You ladies should try feeding your animals purina or something. I can't imagine plastic and cotton tasting too good to them. So mix in some actual food into their diet may help you save your wardrobes ;)
 
IhateClowns said:
Oh it is valuable my dear. For the right price I will sell my advice. All of it to you. I have it in a 6 box CD set. It is valued at $5 million but for today I am willing to reduce that price to $4.99 million. Yes that is right I am willing to take off $100,000. Now of course you will have to pay for shipping and handling which is $300,000 so in actuality I am willing to sell my knowledge for $5,100,000.

But wait that is not all. I am also willing to throw in my jack towel. That is worth about $10 on ebay. A lock of my hair. and a ginzo knife. Not a set but I have one sitting in a drawer. That knife will slice a tomato and then cut through a can in about 8 seconds. I have cut so many cans to show people how good the knife is that it isn't sharp anymore.

Anyway I will throw in the entire package for just of $5. I do not accept checks, but do movie and restaraunt gift cards. $5 million dollars to Applebees would be awesome.
Click to expand...

Dear Clowns

Do you know anyone that wants to slice through a can and a tomato in 8 seconds?

Always Pondered On That One
 
EnglishRoseFox said:
Dear Clowns

Do you know anyone that wants to slice through a can and a tomato in 8 seconds?

Always Pondered On That One
Click to expand...

Dear ponderer,

Yes college boys looking to get laid. It is an aphrodisiac for a woman to watch a man handle a knife. When he cuts through the can women subconsciously think *Oh my he is trying to save the enviornment by cutting the can ahead of time to make it easier to melt them down and build something new.*

Then when he slices a tomato she immediately thinks wow he can cook and she immediately starts thinnking of all of hese lovely meals he will prepare for her.

Now the guy doing the slicing of the can is thinking *please fucking work or I am going to look like a douche* When that goes well and he lets out a non-noticable sigh of relief he will bring the tomato over. There he is thinking *please don't slice my finger off and look like a douche so I can get a blow job tonight*

So that is who loves to cut through cans and tomatos. Guys who want blowjobs from girls who get wowed over the silliest things.
 
Dear Clowns,

One of my all time favorite actors was Billy Mays, Jr. His range and depth of character was unmatched by any other actor. Unfortunately his untimely death has left a serious void in my nightly entertainment....or so I thought

I was watching television last night and there was Billy, alive and well, so masterfully removing the scratches from the hood of a 1972 Ford Pinto...almost bringing it back to life right before my eyes. I was moved beyond belief. Moments later, on another channel, there he was again, almost Lindsay Lohanish, appearing on yet another TV show. But this time he was using the Shake Weight. What disturbed me was that I know the Shake Weight was not invented until after his death. I know this because a lady friend of mine just received one as a gift from ummmm, me.

Anyway, How could Billy be performing with a product made after his death? Is there a conspiracy? Is he really dead? Is there a product on the market that we don't know about yet that will be sold on TV that can bring the dead back to life like that '72 Ford Pinto?

Signed,

A"mazed" in Nebraska
 
Husker1987 said:
Dear Clowns,

One of my all time favorite actors was Billy Mays, Jr. His range and depth of character was unmatched by any other actor. Unfortunately his untimely death has left a serious void in my nightly entertainment....or so I thought

I was watching television last night and there was Billy, alive and well, so masterfully removing the scratches from the hood of a 1972 Ford Pinto...almost bringing it back to life right before my eyes. I was moved beyond belief. Moments later, on another channel, there he was again, almost Lindsay Lohanish, appearing on yet another TV show. But this time he was using the Shake Weight. What disturbed me was that I know the Shake Weight was not invented until after his death. I know this because a lady friend of mine just received one as a gift from ummmm, me.

Anyway, How could Billy be performing with a product made after his death? Is there a conspiracy? Is he really dead? Is there a product on the market that we don't know about yet that will be sold on TV that can bring the dead back to life like that '72 Ford Pinto?

Signed,

A"mazed" in Nebraska
Click to expand...

Dear amazed,

Billy Mays was a one of a kind actor. I like to call him BM for short. BM could work a 2am time slot better then just about anyone. Well except skin-a-max of course. There is nothing that a good BM couldn't do. BM smoothly almost effortlessly was able to pass through my tube and make me grunt and hummmm with some of his movements.

Some of the things that BM sold me at hello on were the Kaboom Bowl Blaster Foam toilet cleaner. BM was able to get me to reach for my phone and buy a product that would help get BM stains off of my toilet. He was just that damn good.

BM also sold me on the Toilet Caddy. What an amazing product BM sold me for when I was having a BM. To be able to place all of my necessities for taking a BM at my beckon disposal was pure genius. I didn't have to stand up and duck waddle over to the sink to get any toilet paper after I took a BM. Because of BM I was able to properly wipe my BM without have to move much at all. God Bless you BM.

As for being able to see BM even after death. I would equate that to take a large BM and having the bobber one continuously pop back up no matter how many times you flush. I wish BM would have come up with a product to help those lost BM's find their way down the drain.

No there are no products of the future that we haven't seen yet to bring BM back to life. He is just a hologram of himself. Super imposed to help you deal with his tragic loss. God Bless you BM.

I gotta go take a shit now.
 
IhateClowns said:
Dear ponderer,

Yes college boys looking to get laid. It is an aphrodisiac for a woman to watch a man handle a knife. When he cuts through the can women subconsciously think *Oh my he is trying to save the enviornment by cutting the can ahead of time to make it easier to melt them down and build something new.*

Then when he slices a tomato she immediately thinks wow he can cook and she immediately starts thinnking of all of hese lovely meals he will prepare for her.

Now the guy doing the slicing of the can is thinking *please fucking work or I am going to look like a douche* When that goes well and he lets out a non-noticable sigh of relief he will bring the tomato over. There he is thinking *please don't slice my finger off and look like a douche so I can get a blow job tonight*

So that is who loves to cut through cans and tomatos. Guys who want blowjobs from girls who get wowed over the silliest things.
Click to expand...

Classic... Lol
 
Dear Clowns,

I've heard it said that when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

I'd like to know where they are going to.

~If it's nice maybe we'd all like to make a trip there!
 
kendra1980 said:
Dear Clowns,

I've heard it said that when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

I'd like to know where they are going to.

~If it's nice maybe we'd all like to make a trip there!
Click to expand...

Dear dreaming,

They go to Graceland. They need to gather some peace in their lives and what better way to do that then head towards Memphis and stare at a house. Then get a tap on a shoulder from an impersonater who is crying uncontrollably and needing some consoling why the person on the other side of you is telling everyone that he is still alive just look at his Tombstone and how they spelled it wrong.

There you will find the peace and harmony of an Asian fella dressed to the 9's singing Bwue Swede Shoooos. If that doesn't make the tough get going then really nothing will.

On a side note look for that asian Elvis impersonater on America's Got Talent which might be the worse show in TV since 16 and Pregnant.
 
availableslave2u said:
dear clowns,
i'm so sorry if i set you up for problems. if people want to be upset, they should be upset with me. i'm the one who originally said it.

it's just me though. it's how i deal with any difficult situation. i put some humor in it. i have to or i'd cry (which i still do sometimes). i understand that alzheimer's is no laughing matter and i am not making fun of people who have it or trivializing what care givers go through. i am a full time care giver for my mother and i know how stressful it can be.

mom is happy and as healthy as she can be. we enjoy laughter together and she knows that i love her and i'm taking good care of her.

sorry all, no offense intended. please don't direct any hate at clowns.
as2u
Click to expand...

I want to make sure that you understand you haven't done anything wrong. Haven't brought any bad stuff onto me. There are people out there and on here that can't take a joke. I know humor is subjective. Some find what I type funny while most others roll their eyes. I just happen to have a couple of people that PM me that let me know that they think i am an ass from time to time. No biggie. No skin off my back. If they ever want to man up and put it on this thread we can discuss it. Otherwise I continue to hit the block button. :) I love that button ;)
 
Dear Clowns,

I am moving house and having trouble deciding what I should pack up to take with me and what I should throw away. It's hard because so much stuff is either 'potentially useful', 'previously useful' or 'sentimental'.

Please help or there may be some nasty household incidents.

Yours,

Mover and Shaker
 
lolaluscious said:
Dear Clowns,

I am moving house and having trouble deciding what I should pack up to take with me and what I should throw away. It's hard because so much stuff is either 'potentially useful', 'previously useful' or 'sentimental'.

Please help or there may be some nasty household incidents.

Yours,

Mover and Shaker
Click to expand...

Dear snapping your fingers and stomping your feet,

I believe that you should keep everything you ever have bought, received or picked up off the street. There are two reasons for this:

The first reason is because re-gifting is just awesome. There is nothing better in life then receiving a gift from someone that you gave that gift to a year before. This way now you have a gift for any occasion. There is nothing worse thn trying to find the perfect gift for someone. Having to travel store to store getting in and out of your vehicle in 100 degree weather. This way now you can just find something in the hall closet wrap it up and give it to someone.

The second reason is because of Antique Roadshow. I think ARS is the devil. It is the cause of so many bad things in this world with the most glaring beng Hoarding. People are now so scared to get rid of their shit, they keep everything they have ever come across just in hopes that one day they will be on PBS.

The idea that some plate they got rid of that they used to nuke a potato on was found by someone else. Then that person see that the ARS is coming to town. So they bring in the plate and is told that The Queen of England used to place her dirty tampons on it for the housekeepers to take away and is now worth $125,000 scares the hell out of them.

So I say keep it all. You never know when you might bring in some piece of shit lamp and find out it could be worth $50 on PBS.
 
IhateClowns said:
Dear snapping your fingers and stomping your feet,

I believe that you should keep everything you ever have bought, received or picked up off the street. There are two reasons for this:

The first reason is because re-gifting is just awesome. There is nothing better in life then receiving a gift from someone that you gave that gift to a year before. This way now you have a gift for any occasion. There is nothing worse thn trying to find the perfect gift for someone. Having to travel store to store getting in and out of your vehicle in 100 degree weather. This way now you can just find something in the hall closet wrap it up and give it to someone.

The second reason is because of Antique Roadshow. I think ARS is the devil. It is the cause of so many bad things in this world with the most glaring beng Hoarding. People are now so scared to get rid of their shit, they keep everything they have ever come across just in hopes that one day they will be on PBS.

The idea that some plate they got rid of that they used to nuke a potato on was found by someone else. Then that person see that the ARS is coming to town. So they bring in the plate and is told that The Queen of England used to place her dirty tampons on it for the housekeepers to take away and is now worth $125,000 scares the hell out of them.

So I say keep it all. You never know when you might bring in some piece of shit lamp and find out it could be worth $50 on PBS.
Click to expand...

Dear Clowns,

Great advice as usual, thank you.

I also think packing will be much quicker if I keep everything - it allows me to use my preferred method of shoving everything in a box, sitting on it and taping it down rather than have to 'waste time' sorting through.

Your tip about ARS is an excellent one; and I will be quoting you verbatim in my efforts to avoid the nasty household incidents.

x
 
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