A Subs weight

Let's look at these one at a time.

  1. Unless you've already brought up to her your ambivalence about her weight, you haven't yet been an asshole. Meeting someone you met online because you thought the two of you had a connection is not an asshole act. Meeting her solely to get laid, on the other hand, would qualify.
  2. I am very leery of the idea of making self-improvement a part of the dominance/submission arrangement because it usually causes more problems than it fixes. It might be possible for you to help her meet personal goals in a fully established relationship, but I would argue long and hard against setting up any kind of punishment system connected with this help.
  3. If exercise has become important to her, of course it would be goods to encourage her. But I wouldn't give it too much special attention unless she asks for it in some way.
  4. Your last question is unclear, but it seems like you're asking if you should ignore the mismatch between her reality and your apparent body-type preference. No, as wicked woman said, it's your issue and not hers. If you own it fully, you won't ignore it.
Now, where do you go from here? I think it's worth doing some reflection about this body-type preference. Is it truly fundamental to you or is it just a default starting place for your fantasy life? What is it about body types that really matters to you? I'm somewhat short and I always found it a bit unnerving to date women who were taller than me. I preferred to feel physically larger.

When she smiles at you, how do you respond? Do you find yourself avoiding her over her body type or are you drawn to her regardless? As Obi-Wan would say, search your feelings.

I came to maturity feeling a preference for somewhat petite women, but I have loved women deeply who were not petite. I wondered how this could be and I came to the conclusion that my preference was more about my fantasy life than reality. In the end, I came to understand that the very best thing about my lover's body was that it was attached to her. You see, if a 200 pound woman loses eighty pounds, she does not become a different woman. Neither does the little petite 120-pounder become someone different if she packs on some pounds.

Search your feelings, Luke.

Thank you for this. Your insight is truly heartwarming. I'm a bigger girl and have been in similar situations. I don't hide what I look like. There is no need for me to do so. I was in a chatting situation where the guy and I clicked on so many levels. I really thought we were great friends and we agreed to not send pics until later. When we finally did, it ended our friendship in a very devastating way. I was crushed.

Be honest with yourself and her. I don't wish any person to experience what I did. Its better to nd things now before deeper feelings are involved.

Good luck.
 
Despite being a domme, I'm generally a very nice person. I'm actually more of a sensual domme, far from the stereotypical super-bitch vanilla folks are likely to think of when they hear "dominatrix." I'm polite and I try to be considerate. So-- with that in mind, try to realize how badly you've fucked over this poor woman to piss me off like this.

My apologies to everyone else, but why is this dude being given a free pass? Man, you KNEW what she looked like before you met and you went ahead with the relationship anyway. I guess you're thinking was, "I don't think she's attractive but maybe it can work anyway?" Well, getting emotionally involved was a mistake, wasn't it, because since then you finally realized that she's a person with feelings who doesn't deserve to be hurt the way you're hurting her.

That's right, I said you're hurting her now; you think she doesn't know that you're not attracted to her? Believe me, she knows, especially if you're talking about her weight like that. And she almost certainly blames herself. But she is not to blame-- you are. You're the one who chose to involve yourself with someone you didn't want. She did nothing to deceive you into a relationship with her. If anything you deceived her into thinking that you could have feelings for her despite her "physical flaws," as I'm sure you think of her weight.

- Are you being an asshole? Hell yeah. Not because you're not attracted to her but for getting involved with her in the first place since you didn't want her. Seriously, wtf were you doing?
- What you mean is, should I stick with her and apply pressure on her to lose enough weight to suit me? (And at what point will she finally be good enough for you?) That's up to the two of you, but if I were her, I'd be telling you to fuck off. Maybe you should try being honest and upfront about all this to her like you should have been in the first place.
- Be her friend and encourage her? You mean, because she'll never be good enough for anyone unless she loses as much weight as you think she should? Newsflash: She's probably good enough at her current weight for plenty of people, myself included. But not for you. You make that apparent repeatedly here. She just has to lose the weight! I can't be attracted to her until she's skinny! Her weight is YOUR problem more than hers.
- No, don't ignore it. You've probably done enough damage with your attitude about her weight. Get out, find some woman who's skinny enough for you (and willing to do whatever she must to remain thin in order to please you or else you won't want her anymore). Give her the chance to find someone who appreciates her the way she is and is SUPPORTIVE of her desire to lose weight, not demanding it. Hell, I wonder if she will even care if you're out of the picture.

And to top it all off, you admit that you need to lose some weight too? Good God. But I'm sure it's okay, since you don't mention any women being as critical of your body as you are of your sub's, so your weight isn't an issue.

Another note. I found out that I have type 2 diabetes last summer. I've lost 40 pounds since then. I'm also 45. I've lost weight from my face, my arms, my ass, my lower abdomen, my vulva, my hips, my thighs and even my feet. I'm sure that I must have lost a little weight off my stomach, though I can hardly tell that I have. It sticks out just about as far as ever. People aren't kidding when they say that bulge on the midriff just won't go away. I'd have it liposuctioned off if I had the money for anything like that. But I don't so I may have to live with more of a stomach paunch than I'd like. Unless you have the money for surgical weight-removal, you can expect similar results with her. That's part of why I'm telling to get out; if her weight loss is what can be commonly expected, she's never going to thin enough to suit you. And she shouldn't have to live with someone who has that attitude about her body. She deserves better.

All of this.

He says he has to lose weight, too? No he doesn't. He's a man. Men are allowed to be fat. And not just 'a few pounds to lose' fat, but fat.

Women? Women can't even be allowed to be Ariel Winter-type soft without being judged fat and repulsive.

He needs to get out. He needs to completely blame himself because that's where the fault lies on so many levels, and he needs to apologize to her when he leaves.

She deserves better than him.
 
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Such thoughtful, wonderful advice in this thread. I hope you, OP, are taking it to heart.

I take issue with the below statement.

And ChristineCuddlewell - no, dick-size is NOT the same as weight. You cannot change dick size... but you can change your body size.

In theory, yes, our bodies can change. But that doesn't mean we should look at someone and actually expect that they can or should change their bodies to fit our desires. Equating dick size with body size also doesn't take into account the myriad, ubiquitous pressures that women face every day to be different than exactly as they are. When you comment on a woman's weight, you are feeding every voice that she has heard that has commented before just because she's female.

I'm not sure what you were looking for, exactly. Permission to dump her? Permission to use your domly status in her life to ask her to change to better fit your desires? No one can give you permission for that. As others have suggested, you should spend some time searching your own heart.

I recently had my weight commented on, and let me tell you, it doesn't feel good. And it doesn't make you want to exercise or get healthy or any other bullshit like that.
 
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I'm a woman, and a partner of mine cannot be so fat that he can't run up some stairs. Not healthy, and that's not what I'm attracted to. Shame me all you want to make yourself feel better, but I'm not saying larger sized people can't be beautiful.

I'm saying that what we're physically attracted to is a standard just as much as is the intelligence we look for in another person, what music they like, if they're religious, if they drink a lot, if they smoke, etc. They're all cultural preferences.

The one thing I really find problematic is that he already knew of her size and shape. If he can only carry on with her if she loses weight, yeah, get the fuck outta there.

Agreed :)
 
If she came to to you fat were you holding back and turned her down because she was fat. No I don't think so. All subs need training but they will always be the body shape they come with. Trying to change that will only hurt you both.
 
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