Humor Thread

A businessman was having an affair with his young secretary.

Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary's house.

When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends.

One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary's house.

When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass.

Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off.

By the time he arrived home, the executive's wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been.

"I am not going to lie to you," he said, "I am having an affair."

His wife slowly looked him up and down, paused for a moment and said, "BULLSHIT, you've been playing golf!"

A husband and wife get in a car accident. Husband's okay other than some scrapes and bruises, but wife falls into a coma. For weeks the husband sits by her side in the hospital. One night, though he feels bad about it, he starts getting horny. He reaches over, slides his hand under her gown, runs his hand slowly up her thigh, but pulls it back suddenly when he notices the beeping heart monitor pick up pace.

The next day he takes the doctor aside and tells him. "Interesting," the doctor says, "She's responding. Maybe try more tonight? Maybe oral sex?" The husband still thinks it's a little wrong, but agrees to try it.

That night, a Code Blue rings out in the halls. Nurses rush in to revive the flatlining wife. The husband stands outside, stunned, when the doctor pulls him aside and asks "What happened? Did you try the oral sex?"

"Yes," says the husband, blankly.

"Well, what happened?" the doctor asks.

The husband answers, "Well, she just started choking."

DG Hear said:

Bra Shopping

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"<

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Click to expand...

VERY VERY FUNNY!!!

Thanks DG!

- curl

New Relationship Book

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our
relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown


New Women's Study

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

The landlord at my pub asked me "Why are you looking so happy?"
I told him "The wife had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that would put a smile on most men's faces"
"Ohhh - Breast enlargement or a pussy tuck?" he asked

"Neither" I said............... "Autopsy."

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

Loved them HP! Some good shit, made me laugh.
DG

Mom is driving their young daughter to Grandma's house in the country. Along the way, they pass a stallion in a field in a state of arousal. The little girl asks her mom, "What's that?"

Mom, not being willing to get into a discussion about the birds and bees, differs her answer by saying, "It's nothing, dear."

A week later, Dad picks up their daughter from Grandma's house for the ride back home. They pass the same stallion in the same state and the daughter asks Dad the same question, "What's that?"

Dad, being more direct, gives an fair answer. "That's the horsey's penis, dear."

"When I asked Mom, she said it was nothing."

"I know, dear," says Dad. "Your Mommy's spoiled."

We're getting a lot of good jokes and humor. Thanks to all that post and those that take the time to read the humor thread.
DG


IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.
2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.


Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It's a Beautiful Morning even when it's not.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many”.

Attractive

While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."


Argument Rules

Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word.

Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who was up all night wondering whether there truly was a dog?

High School answers

* # When you breath, you inspire. When you don’t breath, you expire.

* # The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

* A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

* When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

* For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.

* The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.

* Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.

* Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

* To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

* Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

* To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

* Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.

* Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.

* Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.

* H20 is hot water. CO2 is cold water.

* Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

* Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

* Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.

* For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.

* To prevent contraception use a condominium.

* Blood flows down one leg and up the other

17 Things Your Flight Attendant Won't Tell You

.
Ever wonder what your flight attendant really thinks of you? What they'd tell you if they had the nerve? Or weren't afraid of being fired? What deep, dark secrets would they reveal about their jobs?

I have a number of friends who work as flight attendants. One of them recently retired after 20 years flying for the most storied name in commercial aviation, while others work for less glamorous domestic U.S. airlines. I asked them what they'd tell their passengers if they could tell them anything at all, or what secrets they'd reveal only if granted complete anonymity. All I can say is that these people do not represent every single flight attendant in the skies, so if you're a flight attendant yourself, please hold your fire and don't shoot the messenger. But I didn't make this stuff up. What you read here may shock you, or make you laugh, I'm not sure which.

1. You know that coffee you ordered? It's actually decaf even though you asked for regular. We'd rather that you sit back, relax and fall asleep so you don't bother us too much. Our airline sent around a memo wondering why the decaf supplies were going so fast, noting that decaf costs more than regular coffee.

2. When we "arm" the doors on your aircraft, each flight attendant checks the work of his colleague at the opposite door. You've heard it a million times: "arm doors and cross check." Did you hear "crotch check?" It wasn't your imagination. We get silly sometimes. And yes, despite all the cross checking -- maybe because we're checking crotches instead -- once in a great while we screw up and we forget to arm the doors, which means the emergency slides won't automatically deploy if needed in an emergency. We can get fired for that.

3. Our airline used to pay us when we showed up for duty at the airport. That was eons ago. Then we got paid our measly hourly wage when the cabin doors closed. Then it was when the plane's brakes were released. Now we get paid only when the wheels leave the ground ("wheels up" in airline parlance). We don't even get paid when we're taxiing! There can sometimes be hours of delay between the time we show up for work and when we're airborne. Different airlines have different policies, but it's a way for them to save money. So when we greet you at the door, we do that for free. When we serve you your pre-flight drink, we do that for free, too. No wonder our smiles are so fake.

4. If a flight is late, the airline might have to pay us overtime. If the flight is going to be late anyway, we've been known to delay it even further in order make sure overtime kicks in, which on our airline means up to double the hourly pay. We might find some minor defect in the aircraft or use some other ruse to make up for the money we don't get paid waiting for take off.

5. Yes, we can upgrade you to business class or first class after the airplane's doors close. No, we don't do it very often, partly because on some airlines we have to file a report explaining why we did it, partly because there has to be a meal for you and partly because the forward cabins are often full. Who do we upgrade? Not the slob who's dressed in a dirty tank top. It helps if you're extremely nice, well dressed, pregnant, very tall, good looking, one of our friends or all of the above.

6. Please don't take your computer and a newspaper into the lav. It's gross and it means you're going to be occupying it longer than you should.

7. Please don't ask me what we're flying over. I'm as clueless as you are. I am not flying the plane.

8. Please don't do deep knee bends in my galley while I'm trying to work. You won't get deep vein thrombosis on a flight between Houston and Austin.

9. Jiggling your glass of ice at me won't make me dash to the galley for a refill. In fact, it makes me want to scream.

10. When I ask you what you'd like to drink and you ask me "Well, what do you have?" I want to answer "Not a lot of time." But you wouldn't like that.

11. I want to yank your headphones off your head after I've asked you what you want to drink and you've responded "huh?" three times. After the fourth time I just move on or give you a Coke.

12. Yes, we do ask the captain to leave the seatbelt on long after the turbulence has ended so we can serve in the aisles.

13. On night flights, we sometimes hold off on meal service as long as we can so that you'll be asleep and we'll have less to do.

14. All male flight attendants are not gay, even if they might look like they are.

15. We really don't like children. Not just your children, children period. Why do you think we chose a career where we spend half our lives away from home?

16. If you poke me, I'm going to poke you back. Harder!

17. Don't ask me where you can shove your bag. I've been waiting 12 years to tell you where you can shove it.

An Oldie but Goodie

Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
By: Steve Kapner

One man is talking to another and says, "Yesterday I made the worst Freudian slip."
The other man says "What's that?"
"You know, when you want to say one thing, but you end up saying something more like what you're thinking. I was at the airport, and my company changed my plans at the last minute, so I had to change my flight to Pittsburgh. When I went up to the woman working the counter, she was cute, and had HUGE boobs. So instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I needed 'a picket to Titsburgh.'"
"Oh, OK, I understand. I did the same thing this morning. We were sitting at breakfast, and I meant to ask my wife to pass the corn flakes, but what I said was 'You fucking bitch! You ruined my life!'"

Janet and Earl met in their retirement home. As they grew closer, they began to spend more and more time together, mostly watching their favorite TV shows. One evening, Janet pulled Earl's penis out of his pants and held it.
This became a nightly occurrence. Every evening while watching Wheel of Fortune, Janet would hold Earl's penis.
One day, after this had gone on for several months, Janet was unable to find Earl. She went from room to room looking for him, and eventually, just as Wheel was starting found him in Carol's room. Sure enough, Carol was holding Earl's penis.
Janet erupted. "Earl, how could you do this to me? It is because you like her more?"
"No," Earl replied. "That's not it at all."
"Is she prettier than me?"
"Not at all."
"Then what is it? What does she have that I don't?" Janet asked.
"Parkinson's."

Thanks to everyone who posts on the humor thread. It helps keep, it going.
DG

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Book-in Desk Lady: " Good Morning sir, how can I help you?"

Passenger: I'd like to check-in for flight 327 to London please.

Book-in Desk Lady: " Certainly, Sir. How many people are flying with you?

Passenger: "How the 'ell would I know?. It's your 'plane."

The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

An oldie, but makes me laugh.
DG

Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Another oldie
DG

A Chick With Long Legs

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Meanwhile in Australia ...

"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"

"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, now it's completely closed up!!!

"Bummer mate"

"Good idea!!" Thanks mate!!"

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
[I would have given him 100%]

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.