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"What is it that a Dom does?"

Penuche said:
What does a Dom(me) do? Make you want to submit, sometimes in spite of yourself. Make you feel safe enough to do that.
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This is very good. In my particular case, it's the only way I see something "working." If I don't do that for someone, I'm not interested.

midwestyankee said:
A dominant loves in the uniquely best way for the unique submissive in the relationship.
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Flexibility and adaption. Every person in and out of relationship frames, whether vanilla, business, freindship or what have you compliments of clashes with all the many facets tbat make up who we are.

This is why you can have a great friend who likes and admires someone you can't stand.

Comes down to chemistry and finding a person who brings out a version of you that you, yourself like.
 
Conager said:
Sure. She could be in control.

Or, you could always opt for the modern egalitarian disaster where each avoids asserting control, because equality. Labor to consensus on every minor decison. . .


Or you could work on being a person worth someone taking responsibility for, or being a person capable of taking responsibility for another.

Lots of choices.

Both "in control" isn't really a valid one.

Asserting control doesn't make one a jackass any more than resisting control makes one a harpy bitch. No offense.
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My husband and I are mostly egalitarian, and were totally egalitarian for the better part of the beginning of our relationship, and it works really well for us. I think it's nonsense to say that a power exchange is the best option for everyone.
 
cookiecat said:
Thanks. It made me more cynical and it broke up a friendship. I was more heartbroken over that than I was him.

In hindsight, the poly relationship was the lure; I was interested in exploring it and I genuinely liked the two other women in the "family."

Mostly, it opened my eyes to the fact the letters D and s don't elevate us to a more connected plane. And, it cemented the reality being the s doesn't absolve me from responsibility.
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Thanks.:)
 
fire_breeze said:
I have absolutely nothing to add (in fact, I am just a lurker on this hallowed board) but I do post-stalk midwestyankee and am very glad to see him posting again so that I can continue to do so. :D

In a completely innocent, non-creepy fashion, of course. :rolleyes:

That is all. :rose:
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I'm midwestyankee, and I approve this message.
 
SpunThings said:
My husband and I are mostly egalitarian, and were totally egalitarian for the better part of the beginning of our relationship, and it works really well for us. I think it's nonsense to say that a power exchange is the best option for everyone.
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Thanks for saying this, egalitarian totally works for a lot of people.

EllAyyBee said:
I think what you've said sums up exactly what I wanted to convey. Saying you're a dom doesn't make you one. It takes a little learning for anyone involved. Thank you for your comment. Very nice :)
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That isn't what I was saying. Saying your a d-type makes you a d-type, I don't really care what label people use for themselves. If someone says they prefer being the PYL in their relationships then that's all that is really needed. Whether or not that person can have a successful relationship is a whole other topic. It's not for me to decide if Billy Bob is a dominant or not. He gets to decide that and I get to decide if that is compatible with me. For the record, Billy Bob is probably not going to be compatible with me.

EllAyyBee said:
Not at all. I heard your views and I responded to them. That's how this forum thing works. Give, take. Just so happens I don't like your views on submission. I don't have to. And through the beautiful grace of freedom of speech, I also get to tell you I don't like them.

After all, for the sake of people who are here genuinely looking to learn about the dom/sub dynamic, it's good for them to know that your views are just one set of opinions and not at all remotely close to representative of what submission is about. Which in turn gives them an idea that your particular attitude as a dom is also a poor representation of the group.
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The view is valid and far from the romanticized "dominants are white knights with whips" deal that gets slung around so often. Or the laughable inhuman standards that often come with the label. <- This is more my point. The overly romanticized view of d/s and d-types in particular breeds a special kind of problem where (d) newbies think they have to live up to some weird standard and (s) newbies can't understand where all the real/good/true d-types are because nobody can live up to their fairy tales.

That "particular attitude" is in response to the multitude of people that think submission is a gift to be wrapped and given and then when the relationship ends they take it back like a used sweater to re-wrap for the next Billy Bob. :rolleyes: Thank fuck there are other opinions out there because one more "my submission is a gift" rant is going to give me an eye injury.
 
EllAyyBee said:
"Your submission is not a gift, it's the payment for your very own demons, it's a sacrifice that you have to make to silence the voices of your sexual desires, it's the entrance fee to being reduced to a mindless mess of sexual surrender. I have nothing to do with your submission. I'm just the one who is there when you paid up." -- Primalex

Submission is neither payment, sacrifice, nor an entrance fee. Submission does not imply the presence of personal demons. Being submissive in no way reduces someone in any way, and certainly does not make one mindless. You, sir, are one very confused asshole.
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Yup. Agreed. It's a Dom's duty to understand the submissive, and help them grow and develop in that area, blossoming them. It's not about making them pay for something they did. That would be forced submission, which is just another way of saying slavery.
 
Lord_Johnny said:
Yup. Agreed. It's a Dom's duty to understand the submissive, and help them grow and develop in that area, blossoming them. It's not about making them pay for something they did. That would be forced submission, which is just another way of saying slavery.
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And it's like magic when it happens.
 
Lord_Johnny said:
Yup. Agreed. It's a Dom's duty to understand the submissive, and help them grow and develop in that area, blossoming them. It's not about making them pay for something they did. That would be forced submission, which is just another way of saying slavery.
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I'm pretty sure that your first sentence should apply to everyone in any kind of lying relationship. Doesn't seem at all exclusive to BDSM-y relationships. That's not to say that it doesn't apply to parties in a power-exchange relationship, but I don't see it as applying exclusively to the dominant partner.
 
HisArpy said:
It's simple. I am in charge, she is not. She knows this and yields to me because of it.
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That's a catch 22 explanation. She yields because you are dominant and you are dominant because she yields.


She's prettier, smarter (Mensa) and refills my glass without me asking. That doesn't make me a momma's boy.
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Right, but it doesn't make you not one either.


As for the rest, yes I'm a romantic. I believe that if I romance her every day she will always be there to see me come home. Is that such a bad thing?
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Bad or good is a boring question. The question is: What's the difference to every relationship out there? And if you romance her every day and make her stay with you that way, what is the dominance for?
 
Primalex said:
Bad or good is a boring question. The question is: What's the difference to every relationship out there? And if you romance her every day and make her stay with you that way, what is the dominance for?
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Romance during the day and power play in the bedroom sounds like a fun and fulfilling relationship to me. What works for a couple is what works for that couple, ya know.
 
Primalex said:
That's a catch 22 explanation. She yields because you are dominant and you are dominant because she yields.




Right, but it doesn't make you not one either.




Bad or good is a boring question. The question is: What's the difference to every relationship out there? And if you romance her every day and make her stay with you that way, what is the dominance for?
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*Yawn*

Excuse me.

Did you say something?

I didn't think so.
 
ToPleaseHim said:
Romance during the day and power play in the bedroom sounds like a fun and fulfilling relationship to me. What works for a couple is what works for that couple, ya know.
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No idea whether I'm too old or too young, but I don't quite see the romantic aspect in "Girl, bring me my drink and don't bother me with your mindless drivel.".

Oh wait, now I see it! No, wait, that wasn't a romantic thought. Sorry.
 
Primalex said:
No idea whether I'm too old or too young, but I don't quite see the romantic aspect in "Girl, bring me my drink and don't bother me with your mindless drivel.".

Oh wait, now I see it! No, wait, that wasn't a romantic thought. Sorry.
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While I often cringe at your posts, I have to agree with you on this one.
 
Primalex said:
No idea whether I'm too old or too young, but I don't quite see the romantic aspect in "Girl, bring me my drink and don't bother me with your mindless drivel.".

Oh wait, now I see it! No, wait, that wasn't a romantic thought. Sorry.
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I am going to hold my tongue on making a snarky reply about your age… Or my presumptions there.

I will agree with you that that scenario is far from what I would consider romantic. But, my post remains that a romantic relationship with bedroom play is ideal for many.
 
ToPleaseHim said:
I will agree with you that that scenario is far from what I would consider romantic. But, my post remains that a romantic relationship with bedroom play is ideal for many.
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I agree that for many, romance is the ideal. But what is romance, really? For some, it might be roses and a dinner out, or a walk on the beach. For others, it might mean licking the blood off her back when the caning gets harsh. Whatever the avenue, ideal is a different path for each of us, right?
 
clistenovena said:
I agree that for many, romance is the ideal. But what is romance, really? For some, it might be roses and a dinner out, or a walk on the beach. For others, it might mean licking the blood off her back when the caning gets harsh. Whatever the avenue, ideal is a different path for each of us, right?
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So true! To each his/her/their own.
 
Romance is different, to a point, for everyone. However, I think everyone would agree that singular attention meant to show attraction equates to romance. Be that exotic roses, a simple caress, or even just one of those looks, at the right moment.

Interestingly enough, somehow force got into the equation in this thread. Force is generally the antithesis to submission and dominance. You can't force someone to submit. Anyone who thinks so needs to read a few books on the subject. Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham is a good place to start learning what submission is about. There are other books out there that talk about this too. Once you know what submission looks and feels like, you realize that there is no force involved.

For a thread about what a Dom does, to somehow begin to talk about force misses the point about dominance completely.

I do not need to force anyone to do anything to be dominant. The person I'm involved with either submits to me voluntarily or does not. If they do not, I'm not interested in them.

As I said, it's about peace. Whatever individualistic form that takes still resonates the same between two people. One is dominant and one submissive. Both always know who is which. Submission is the acceptance of that fact by the non-dominant.
 
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SpunThings said:
Actually there are people for whom a relationship where one person has all the control is preferred, with the right person. For some people the sex isn't the point at all. The dominant partner has the final say in all decisions. The difference between what you describe experiencing, and these kinds of relationships, is the factor of choice. The submissive gets to choose a relationship where he/she relinquishes all authority. Many who prefer that relationship dynamic spend a lot of time in the getting to know you phase, and don't dive right into total submission right away.
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I guess this is an issue of whatever floats your boat.
 
LadyVer said:
I guess this is an issue of whatever floats your boat.
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I'd say this is true. However, don't forget that there a many different forms of dominance with a lot of overlapping areas too. Each has it's pro's and con's. What any one person chooses, is what that person wants and/or needs regardless of what label it has. Or what the content of the relationship consists of.

Like any relationship, finding the correct someone to share your D/s life with you isn't easy. Which is why we tend to classify things into categories and then get it wrong so often anyway.
 
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Conager said:
Sure. She could be in control.

Or, you could always opt for the modern egalitarian disaster where each avoids asserting control, because equality. Labor to consensus on every minor decison. . .


Or you could work on being a person worth someone taking responsibility for, or being a person capable of taking responsibility for another.

Lots of choices.

Both "in control" isn't really a valid one.

Asserting control doesn't make one a jackass any more than resisting control makes one a harpy bitch. No offense.
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I'm not sure what you're trying to get açross, that women who question control by a partner who wants 100% control without giving his partner a choice means the woman is a feminist jackass for expecting a choice?
Why do you always have to bring anything that suggests equality as basically feminist bullshit?
 
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