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Humor Thread

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CB invited SB to go on a vacation...
We booked tickets and boarded a Bi-plane..
We never reached our destination...
The plane tried to go both ways...
Just like the bi-sexual column in the gay parade she invited me to join in as a show of support.. was caught in the middle and torn at both ends.. rotflmao

I do recall her problems in school when she was asked to Bisect a triangle...
Can you imagine the chaos at confused orientation of her triangles?..lmao

She had nicknamed me Lester.. for trying to always stir up trouble with the lezzies.. she's still mad at me.. but I ain't giving up so easily SB dahlin'
 
SWEET Romance

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole," she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who apparently had Allsorts!
 
Quick Thinker

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.
The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."
"No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"
 
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctors?

A: Because he wasn't peeling too well.
 
My wife has Old Dyson's syndrome.
She makes a constant whining noise and doesn't suck any more!
 
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car."
 
New Craze

There is a new craze sweeping the Northeast of England. Men are pouring beer into womens' vaginas and then going down on them for a slurp.

It's called minge drinking.
 
As of March 2006, Viagra will only be available under its correct medical name.
Please ask your pharmacist for Mycoxaflopin.
 
Q: Why do female skydivers wear jockstraps?

A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
 
Xtra Sensitive

Have you heard about the new extra sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
 
Short Story

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl: "Will you marry me?"

The girl said: "No!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, golfing and drank lots of beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END
 
It's amazing to think that they had computers way back in the time of Adam and Eve.

Eve had an Apple and Adam had a Wang.
 
Q: Why don't deaf people bungee jump?

A: Because they haven't heard about it.


SB Dahlin' .. we had forgotten to poke fun at the deaf folks..
So this one should correct that oversight, doncha think?
 
Q: Why do women have all of their best ideas during sex?

A: Because they have a genius plugged in.
 
SB honey.. here's one CRACKing one coming right up your ALLEY..
dedicated especially to you my lil prude patrol princess..


Q: What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?

A: One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
 
Cobbling together an orgasm

A man is giving his girlfriend a lift home on his motorbike when he decides to take a short cut. He turns around to his girlfriend and asks, "Have you ever come this way before?"
"No," she replies. "It must be the cobbles."
 
White Kid

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
 
Pissed up pauper

A drunk walks up to a man looking under the bonnet of his broken down car and asks, "What's the matter mate?"
"Piston broke," says the driver.
"So am I," replies the drunk.
 
I remember this one from many, many moons ago and it still makes me smile.
DG

Brand New Member

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my finance is still a virgin - in every way"

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; .... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ..."Look at this, still in the CRATE!"
 
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