Tell a Joke

Man Logic

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs.
Lady: How much per 6 pack?
Man: About $10.00.
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No.
Man: So where's your fucking Ferrari then?

Wheelie Bin

A refuse collector in Cairns , Australia , is driving along a street picking
up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit
of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out
of his truck goes to the front door and knocks..
There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and
then harder still . .

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door..

"Harro!" says the Chinese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still
perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your
'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK.." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the
collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Sick of angel emails?



Sick of angel emails?

Ok BE HONEST...how many of you REALLY ENJOY getting little angel love notes from every person in your address book? You know the ones with "I love you so... here's an angel" ... And some mushy poem crap....
And like the cute wasn't bad enough, they then THREATEN you with bad luck if you don't send it on to others!!


So here's my version:

Take the fairy dust:

Add it to one of those angels

And POOF!!!!....

NOW SEE ATTACHED

He's good luck because he probably made you smile.

When you're finished trying to see up his loincloth,

(AND YOU JUST LOOKED AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU??),

Why not send this on to some of your
friends to make them smile, too?

One for the girls :

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags

Please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray

As for my belly, Please take it away.

Keep me healthy, Keep me young,

And thank you Lord, For all you've done.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon,
People will think we're nuts.'

Now here's a real woman:



Swedish golfer Daniela Holmqvist couldn't afford a swing and a miss when what tournament officials believe was a redback spider, relative of the famed black widow, nipped her leg mid-tournament during the Women's Australian Open this week.

With the flourish of a focused pro, the Swedish Golf Federation reported, Holmqvist, 24, swatted the spider away, then used a golf tee to pierce her skin and squeeze out the venom.

"A clear fluid came out," she told Svensk Golf magazine. "It wasn't the prettiest thing I've ever done, but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible."

Redback bites occur more frequently in summer months, according to The Australian Museum, and more than 250 cases of redback bites receive antivenom each year.

Homqvist was followed by a rules official for two holes after the incident, but then decided she was comfortable continuing without the rules official monitoring her, a Golf Australia official said. She finished the golf round, but her score of 74 did not qualify her for the tournament.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

BusyAfternoon said:

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Click to expand...

SWIPE!

This brought a tear to my eye…Too much texting..
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text....

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

He replied....."I'm taking a shit. What should I do?"



I've decided to call our bathroom the "Jim" instead of the "John".

It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the "Jim" every morning.

strangely accurate !



The Jewish response to the Chinese 12-year zodiac cycle…

THE YIDDISH ZODIAC

The Year of the CHICKEN SOUP
1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You’re a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just
being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their
children -- resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.

The Year of the EGG CREAM
1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You’ve got a devious personality, since you’re made with neither eggs
nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you’re too
frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.

The Year of the CHOPPED LIVER
1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder, “What am I,
chopped liver?” But don’t get a complex; you’re always welcome at the
holidays! Bagel’s got your back.

The Year of the BLINTZ
1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you’re rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You
play it coy, but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover
morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.

The Year of the LATKE
1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you’re a real softie on the
inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you’re a real dish.
Compatible with Schmear’s cousin Sour Cream.

The Year of the BAGEL
1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You’re pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something’s
missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible
with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.

The Year of the PICKLE
1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You’re the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy
banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning
from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.

The Year of the SCHMEAR
1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A
smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible
with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami -- wouldn’t be kosher.

The Year of PASTRAMI
1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket’s hipper sibling, always smokin’ and ready to party.
You spice up life, even if you keep your parents up at night.
Compatible with Pickle, who’s always by your side.

The Year of the BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE
1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white?
Cake or cookie? You say you’re “New Age,” all yin & yang.
We call it “bipolar.” Sweetie, you’re most compatible with yourself.

The Year of the KNISH
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you’re actually a person of depth and substance.
Consider medical or law school, but don’t get
too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle.
Avoid Lox, who’s out of your league.

The Year of the LOX
1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you’re very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask
in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible
with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

Hangman: "Have you any last wish?" WC: "Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die." (pause) "Philadelphia will do."

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.

What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “f#*k it, soldier on!”

RYNO Motors Full Story.... on Vimeo


http://vimeo.com/43510533

*Sex & Calories*
They say that during sex you
burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?

God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.

Cars you've probably never seen before and many you've never even heard about.

SOME REAL BEAUTIES!

LOOK AT THE LENGTH OF SOME OF THE BODY PANELS, ONE PIECE AND NO WRINKLES OR DENTS. THE FOLKS WHO BUILD THESE WERE TRULY MASTER CRAFTSMEN!

http://members4.boardhost.com/AllExperts/msg/1210806446.html

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Peggy Gravel: Hello? What number are you calling? You've dialed the wrong number! Sorry? What good is that? How can you ever repay the last thirty seconds you have stolen from my life? I hate you, your husband, your children, and your relatives!

Peggy Gravel: Go home to your mother! Doesn't she ever watch you? Tell her this isn't some communist daycare center! Tell your mother I hate her! Tell your mother I hate you!

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:00.

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
tested positive for WD40.

Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SINGS!