Well, I took a look at the first little bit, and the answer is pretty obvious: punctuation. Most of your sentences are run-ons, and you are missing a ton of punctuation in your sentences. Let's look at this: "Dad's deep voice asked and my ears perked up as I continued down the hall certain he was talking about me." You need commas, like this: Dad's deep voice asked[,] and my ears perked up[,] as I continued down the hall[,] certain he was talking about me."
To put it bluntly: you don't need an editor; you need a teacher. You may be able to find an editor who will walk you through a small section of your writing, but you really need to work on the basics, before you send it to an editor.
This is pretty common on Lit. People jump in feet first, not experienced in writing, and get this kind of feedback from their readers. My suggestion is to find an editor who will edit a small section and actually explain the reason behind the edits; then you need to read--a lot. The best way to become a better writer is to read good writing. Now, yes, you need to practice to develop your craft, but you need a pool of knowledge to draw from, otherwise you're just flailing about in the dark, uncertain as to why you aren't getting a good reception.
And when I say, "you need to read," I do not mean other stories on Lit. There are some fantastic authors on here, but most, well, aren't. Find established fiction writers from the mainstream world and read their stuff. You're not reading like the average person with a book, though. You're reading like an author. As you read, pay attention to paragraph formatting, syntax, diction, punctuation, imagery, metaphor, and... well, there's a lot more; I'm not going to keep listing the points.
Writing well isn't easy. It takes time, practice, and perspective, and you're at the point where you need to learn how to write better, not get an editor.
Don't take it personally, but sometimes you need to be told it like it is.
Also, the Volunteer Editor portal that you were using doesn't work. Instead, go to the "Available to Edit ~~~ August 2018" thread (it's a sticky on the Editor's Forum). That's a list of editors who are available to edit for that month. That'll obviously change to "Available to Edit ~~~ September 2018," but you get it.
Last edited by John988 : 08-27-2018 at 10:29 PM.