How do you unwreck yourself after a scene?

How do you unwreck yourself in the days following a scene?

I experienced my first D/s scene in years with a Dominant I have known and trusted for a long time. It cracked me open. I was completely raw and vulnerable. When the next day came around, I was still cracked open! I am suffering. This is a new trick-- I suspect it's subdrop. Anyway I reached out to my Dom and he said that it's not normal to feel so emotional and that he doesn't have time this week to provide hugs or aftercare or even to talk. So now I have to figure out how to pull myself out of this slump and I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? Is there anything that you've tried that works for you?

If you figure it out, let me know.
There is nothing worse than that and he's an absolute ass. I've had a similar experience and the salt in the wound was seeing him active on our chatting platforms. Hopefully, yours isn't that much of an ass and really is just trudging the trenches right now.

My only advice is that I would steer clear in the future and to find a friend (virtual or in person) to hash it out with.

RopeBunny69 said:

If you figure it out, let me know.
There is nothing worse than that and he's an absolute ass. I've had a similar experience and the salt in the wound was seeing him active on our chatting platforms. Hopefully, yours isn't that much of an ass and really is just trudging the trenches right now.

My only advice is that I would steer clear in the future and to find a friend (virtual or in person) to hash it out with.

Click to expand...

I am sorry that happened to you, RopeBunny. I will let you know if I figure this out. It sucks. And I probably will steer clear in the future. Even if he is right in that it's not normal to feel this way, then that just means this isn't for me. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as I've known him for almost a decade and experienced no questionable behavior until now.

PrisonerOfDoubt said:

I am sorry that happened to you, RopeBunny. I will let you know if I figure this out. It sucks. And I probably will steer clear in the future. Even if he is right in that it's not normal to feel this way, then that just means this isn't for me. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as I've known him for almost a decade and experienced no questionable behavior until now.

Click to expand...

Speaking from experience, submission means being highly vulnerable. It really is something can cause emotional unrest, especially if it's your firsr scene in a long time. No doubt it is being compounded by his sudden unavailability.
If I enter subspace, or even get close to it, I'm highly emotional for the rest of the day if not several after. Sometimes if the scene is intense, I'll be emotional.
I think he needs to rethink his capability as a Dom.

That sounds horrible. I've never experienced that, so all I can suggest is self-care: a lovely bubble bath, a funny movie, treat yourself to your favourite dish, cake, ice cream...

I hope you'll feel better soon.

PrisonerOfDoubt said:

How do you unwreck yourself in the days following a scene?

I experienced my first D/s scene in years with a Dominant I have known and trusted for a long time. It cracked me open. I was completely raw and vulnerable. When the next day came around, I was still cracked open! I am suffering. This is a new trick-- I suspect it's subdrop. Anyway I reached out to my Dom and he said that it's not normal to feel so emotional and that he doesn't have time this week to provide hugs or aftercare or even to talk. So now I have to figure out how to pull myself out of this slump and I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? Is there anything that you've tried that works for you?

Click to expand...

Hi Prisoner of Doubt,
I'm writing a quick reply, but I'll be back in the morning.
So... #1 I'm living this. I'm having a huge issue with the same.
#2 normal is normal FOR YOU.
#3 aftercare probably should be added to the things to negotiate before a scene ( I'm telling myself that as well. I thought grown up people understood the need to COMMUNICATE... my bad.)
#4 only you know if this is normal and acceptable for his behavior.


For me: I know now that I need to talk through things. I need to know it's ok, I'm ok, we're ok, I did well etc. I need conversation and closeness more than touch. Most of all I need space and freedom to express any questions or concerns and I need that to be taken seriously. If that doesn't happen I question his maturity, ability, and our very future.

Edit: my experiences:
I've had 3 r/l dominants in 14 years.
Plus Sir, but we don't scene.
First was absolutely exceptional at negotiation and aftercare. Hard act to follow.
Second was negotiated out but aftercare was expressly not part of the deal. It was fine. A known quantity.
Third communication is a huge issue. I thought I could work it out. I was wrong. Lesson learned.

**** I'm 100% talking to myself too.

Angedesoleil said:

Hi Prisoner of Doubt,
I'm writing a quick reply, but I'll be back in the morning.
So... #1 I'm living this. I'm having a huge issue with the same.
#2 normal is normal FOR YOU.
#3 aftercare probably should be added to the things to negotiate before a scene ( I'm telling myself that as well. I thought grown up people understood the need to COMMUNICATE... my bad.)
#4 only you know if this is normal and acceptable for his behavior.


For me: I know now that I need to talk through things. I need to know it's ok, I'm ok, we're ok, I did well etc. I need conversation and closeness more than touch. Most of all I need space and freedom to express any questions or concerns and I need that to be taken seriously. If that doesn't happen I question his maturity, ability, and our very future.


**** I'm 100% talking to myself too.

Click to expand...

This.

First, it's good you came here to talk it out. Hope it helps process some feelings.

Is there anything specific you can talk more about here? Or with someone who's posted in this thread? Getting things out of my head helps clarify my crazy, chaotic feelings.

I like to journal. Write an email. Get it out of my head. Perhaps it's something you could eventually send to him?? I've used journaling via emails and in one case, a blog to keep in touch in a long distance relationship. It felt very interactive.

Hope you're feeling better.

PrisonerOfDoubt said:

Anyway I reached out to my Dom and he said that it's not normal to feel so emotional...

Click to expand...

I started to respond earlier... This set me off so I had to delete my post and have a drink.

For what the word "Normal" means here, YES this is normal. You aren't broken or screwed up... this happens and HE should know and be ready for this possibility.

Aftercare should be a given...

I am sorry I have no advice to help you through this alone other than to tell you it isn't right that you are in this situation. It really pisses me off to see someone treated like this...

SalvDali said:

I started to respond earlier... This set me off so I had to delete my post and have a drink.

For what the word "Normal" means here, YES this is normal. You aren't broken or screwed up... this happens and HE should know and be ready for this possibility.

Aftercare should be a given...

I am sorry I have no advice to help you through this alone other than to tell you it isn't right that you are in this situation. It really pisses me off to see someone treated like this...

Click to expand...

Yes.
Thank you.
I had to pause, too, and read it again.

Your Dom who doesn’t have time for aftercare is not normal.
Not you.
You are FINE.

Take care of yourself. Please.

I've been thinking a lot about this. Prisoner's thread comes on the heels of Angedesoleil's - both related to communication issues with their Dominant / Sir.

Part of my ponderings might be better suited to a different thread. Disclaimer: a lot of what I'm thinking about is related to my own personal questions about my submission.

Soooo - I'm just going to throw this out there. What happens when our partner / D or s / Top or bottom / PYL / pyl just happens to screw up and have a shitty moment?

I get that if a person isn't willing to do the work, he or she shouldn't play or have a scene give a task or whatever. That being said, what happens when one partner can't live up to the expectation??

100% Ange and Prisoner were right on to question what happened. This post isn't about that at all.

Hmmm. I think I have too many thoughts swirling around and am not being clear. More later.

cookiecat said:

I've been thinking a lot about this. Prisoner's thread comes on the heels of Angedesoleil's - both related to communication issues with their Dominant / Sir.

Part of my ponderings might be better suited to a different thread. Disclaimer: a lot of what I'm thinking about is related to my own personal questions about my submission.

Soooo - I'm just going to throw this out there. What happens when our partner / D or s / Top or bottom / PYL / pyl just happens to screw up and have a shitty moment?

I get that if a person isn't willing to do the work, he or she shouldn't play or have a scene give a task or whatever. That being said, what happens when one partner can't live up to the expectation??

100% Ange and Prisoner were right on to question what happened. This post isn't about that at all.

Hmmm. I think I have too many thoughts swirling around and am not being clear. More later.

Click to expand...

You’re asking if Doms are allowed to be human? Fuck up?!

Yes.
BUT... not everyone can and should be a Dom. And there are a lot of posts supporting that. Jerks. Careless men. Men playing games.

I’m thinking that of its serious enough to post about, it’s a thing.
But I’m a cynic.

Farawyn said:

You’re asking if Doms are allowed to be human? Fuck up?!

Yes.
BUT... not everyone can and should be a Dom. And there are a lot of posts supporting that. Jerks. Careless men. Men playing games.

I’m thinking that of its serious enough to post about, it’s a thing.
But I’m a cynic.

Click to expand...

I'm not questioning Prisoner or Angedesoleil's feelings at all. For sure the D's in question were careless at best.

In each of these situations, there's a history. In Prisoners case, a decade's worth. Rather than say the guy shouldn't be a Dominant, is it ok to say he fucked up in a big way?

I've been thinking a lot about the responsibility each party has. How often, as the s, I expect the D to be the problem solver. That it's ok for me to fuck up and he's there to pick up the pieces.

I'm hijacking Prisoner's thread!!

Did you ever talk to your Dominant, Prisoner?? Are you feeling any better?

PS - I tried to message you about one of your old posts, but your PMs are turned off... Wondering if I can pass along some info to you?

cookiecat said:

I've been thinking a lot about the responsibility each party has. How often, as the s, I expect the D to be the problem solver. That it's ok for me to fuck up and he's there to pick up the pieces.

I'm hijacking Prisoner's thread!!

Click to expand...

So much this! (and I'm sorry for the slight hijack, too)

I'm a huge, huge believer in personal responsibility in all things BDSM, and it often ticks me off big time when I see people completely ignoring the fact that the s has more responsibility within the dynamic than just showing up.

I think this also applies to aftercare/subdrop situations. I think it's justified to expect the D person to be there to help deal with the aftercare/subdrop at least in some capacity if it's needed, but in my opinion it isn't 100% their responsibility. That, too, is a shared responsibility and the s should also learn how to cope with those situations. If not for any other reson, at least for the times when the D can't for whatever reason be there to help. And at least for me not being able to be there when a subdrop happens doesn't make anybody a shitty D or a shitty humanbeing. Life happens and people fuck up, sometimes even at very unfortunate moments.

When it comes to aftercare, I admit that I'm pretty low maintenance. I usually don't do aftercare beyond "all good? good!". If what we've done has been emotionally or mentally difficult for me, I appreciate some physical closeness, but it rarely is the cuddly kind. It's more likely to be me giving the D a massage or fixing them a drink, then sitting on the floor nex to them reading a book with a few occasional touches here and there. Or taking a nap together, but no touching because ain't nobody allowed to touch me when I'm falling asleep. I wouldn't want anybody making me tea, asking if I'm ok over and over, or feeding me chocolate. I mean, sure, it's happened that I've needed that kind of aftercare, but it's not the norm for me.

I'm prone to subdrop, but I'm also the kind of person who hates making a fuss, so I've mostly learned to handle things by myself and rarely involve the D in the process beyond letting them know that I'm dropping.

What works for me when I'm subdropping is basically acknowledging what's going on: it's a subdrop, it sucks, but it won't last forever. It makes me emotionally all over the place and it's not a good moment to make any drastic decisions or declarations, but it'll pass. I really can't stress enough how important it is for me to actively acknowledge that I'm dropping, because otherwise I can do and say some pretty bat shit crazy things.

I concentrate on other things than wallowing in my emotions, and often doing something physical helps. I like to do things where I can see the result, because for whatever reason it's good for me to see that I can get things done even if I'm feeling shitty. Cleaning is good, so is baking and especially kneading a dough is therapeutic. Cooking a healthy meal makes me feel good, because I mostly eat crap, so a healthy meal is another sign of "hey, I feel like shit but I'm still awesome at adulting". And I cry. I'm a shower crier. Not because of trying to mask the tears or whatever, but because it gives a fixed time frame for my crying and that helps me not wallow. The thing is, I need to make a conscious decision to do these things, they don't come naturally for me when I'm dropping. It's been a learning curve over the years.

From the D/s point of view, having a routine or daily tasks that I'm supposed to do is often helpful as well. On a few occasions I have preemptively tackled the drop by asking the D to give me some extra tasks for the days after.

I'm not sure any of this is helpful in this thread, might be the opposite actually. I come across a little insensitive to the situation at hand maybe. People have different ways of coping with things, there's no single right way to do this.

I hope the OP is feeling better already.

I'm sorry. Never had anything like that happen to me.

I recommend not getting wrecked in the first place and use your safewords correctly.
Also demand a proper aftercare if you need it.

Seela, you do not come across as insensitive to me ( not my thread but living it so...replying) ... I agree that the onus isn't on one party or the other... but living up to stated expectations of being an adult person in an adult relationship is on both.

I will absolutely be using some of your advice. Thank you ♡

Nezhul~ message sent.

Prisoner of Doubt:
I found a video that spoke a bit to me... I dunno if it will help you or no... https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_ygfWG_yneY
I'm an Evie fan in general. She tends to hit on things in a way I can relate to. For my situation. I'm 4:30-5:30 then 12 min onward. Though the rest is useful just not pertinent *right now*

The best part of threads is the drift.


Please check on, OP!

Thinking of you today, OP! Hope you're feeling better ❤

Sorry Farawyn... I guess I didn't know that what I was posting would be considered drift. My bad.

I don't think the OP has been on since, I've checked their profile I few times.

PrisonerOfDoubt said:

How do you unwreck yourself in the days following a scene?

I experienced my first D/s scene in years with a Dominant I have known and trusted for a long time. It cracked me open. I was completely raw and vulnerable. When the next day came around, I was still cracked open! I am suffering. This is a new trick-- I suspect it's subdrop. Anyway I reached out to my Dom and he said that it's not normal to feel so emotional and that he doesn't have time this week to provide hugs or aftercare or even to talk. So now I have to figure out how to pull myself out of this slump and I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? Is there anything that you've tried that works for you?

Click to expand...

it is subdrop and you need to investigate this more, so you understand what you're going through. I'm also a bit disturbed in the way your dom reacted when you thought it was subdrop. That's nothing like a true dom should act. He's suppose to be there for you, comfort you and help you to feel secure until this passes. Holding you close, wrapping a blanket around you, whatever it takes.

Sub drop hits people in different ways and to different degrees. Some are hit hard and some don't even get it.

I'd say check the BDSM library here for sub drop threads and do your own google searches for information. Find as much as you can about it, so you aren't just taking one source as gospel. The more sources you find, the more you can tell if this is truly what you are experiencing and you will also find ways to deal with it. Trust me...it's not abnormal at all. It's very common. You just seem to enjoy your position as submissive a lot and that's wonderful.

By the way, if this turns out to be sub drop and your dom continues to say he doesn't have time to assist you with it, he's not a true dom. I'd consider finding myself another. But he might come around, if you can show him the evidence of what you are going through. Good luck.

Angedesoleil said:

Sorry Farawyn... I guess I didn't know that what I was posting would be considered drift. My bad.

I don't think the OP has been on since, I've checked their profile I few times.

Click to expand...

No, you guys mentioned derailing.

That’s often the best part.

cookiecat said:

I'm not questioning Prisoner or Angedesoleil's feelings at all. For sure the D's in question were careless at best.

In each of these situations, there's a history. In Prisoners case, a decade's worth. Rather than say the guy shouldn't be a Dominant, is it ok to say he fucked up in a big way?

I've been thinking a lot about the responsibility each party has. How often, as the s, I expect the D to be the problem solver. That it's ok for me to fuck up and he's there to pick up the pieces.

I'm hijacking Prisoner's thread!!

Did you ever talk to your Dominant, Prisoner?? Are you feeling any better?

PS - I tried to message you about one of your old posts, but your PMs are turned off... Wondering if I can pass along some info to you?

Click to expand...

Hmmm...I will look into the PM situation. This user interface is sort of clunky. Of course I will appreciate anything you wish to share.

Thank you TO EVERYONE for your thoughts, advice, and insight. Knowing it's not just me facing an issue like this is reassuring. I did speak to me Dominant finally, briefly. He says he doesn't know how much time he has for me now which suggests to me that he is seeking for silent escape. I have suffered tremendous hardships the past few years, what with being a cancer patient etc. I know that I am capable of dealing with negative feelings, like rejection, in an adult manner. I guess I would prefer to face them head on than to have to guess and question myself, but oh well.

This was a big deal to me. But it wasn't to him. That combined with the drop is difficult to reconcile now but it'll be alright. I've learned some things. For instance, I am capable of intimacy and submission post-cancer. I wasn't sure that I would be. And I'll be more cautious next time and more rigorous in expressing my expectations from my partner--if I open myself to you, I will need you not to blow me off even if you change your mind about wanting me in your life. There. That's easy to say.

I feel better today. I worked out hard and I ate chocolate and I shot my blow gun at various targets until they were no longer recognizable. More better.

I have never dropped before. Now that I know what it feels like, it'll be on my radar in the future. I will be a lot more cautious.

PrisonerOfDoubt said:

<snip>
I feel better today. I worked out hard and I ate chocolate and I shot my blow gun at various targets until they were no longer recognizable. More better.

Click to expand...

Good for you!!

Sounds like you have your head on pretty straight. Stuff like this sucks. But it sounds like you've been through lots of challenging things and come out the other side a little wiser, a lot stronger.