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Kimikimidoll

Literotica Guru
Joined
Apr 24, 2016
Posts
1,588
Hello people.
You're all intelligent people with oodles of writing and/or reading experience.
Please help a budding writer out by casting a kind eye over her stories.
Sorry- story- I've got just one- it's in my profile and all..
...
...
Please love me
Thank you!
 
Might want to let people know the category - nonconsent isn't everybody's cup of tea.

Don't have time or brain for a full critique at the moment, just this bit threw me:

"You think so?" He almost whispered. I smelled his perfume. It unnerved me.
Click to expand...

I wasn't sure whether "perfume" meant his aftershave or a natural scent, and either way I wasn't clear on how it would be unnerving... or maybe it was the whispering that was supposed to be unnerving, in which case those things need to be closer together.
 
I won't look at non con, but the sentence Bramblethorn posted had two issues

"Almost" Whispered.

Almost is a weak and often inaccurate word. How do you almost whisper? You whispered or you did not. Most often that word should be dropped.

Perfume threw me as well as I associate it with the feminine. Not sure how it would unnerve her either, unless it was the musky scent of his sweat, I don't know, just doesn't seem to fit.
 
lovecraft68 said:
I won't look at non con, but the sentence Bramblethorn posted had two issues

"Almost" Whispered.

Almost is a weak and often inaccurate word. How do you almost whisper? You whispered or you did not. Most often that word should be dropped.

Perfume threw me as well as I associate it with the feminine. Not sure how it would unnerve her either, unless it was the musky scent of his sweat, I don't know, just doesn't seem to fit.
Click to expand...

That's a good point. It should be cologne.
You know, when you're talking to someone, and suddenly you realize they're too close- you get a sudden whiff of their perfume- and in the story, the character is already wary of the person, so the whole situation feels 'unnerving' to her.
Almost whispered? Hmm.. Sorry, I can't explain myself- it just went well with the flow.
It was supposed to be at a normal volume- she asked the question at a normal volume- you'd expect the answer back normally, but something in the way he said it made it seem like it was a secret, so it came out as a whisper?
I'm sorry 😂
 
"Oh, you think so?" His voice had lowered and he leaned close to her, close enough for her to catch a whiff of his cologne.

Just a suggestion. You could also add a brand name to make the reader identify more with it, like Brute or Aqua Velva, you know, the good stuff:eek:
 
lovecraft68 said:
"Oh, you think so?" His voice had lowered and he leaned close to her, close enough for her to catch a whiff of his cologne.

Just a suggestion. You could also add a brand name to make the reader identify more with it, like Brute or Aqua Velva, you know, the good stuff:eek:
Click to expand...

Yes, that's a better sentence lol.
I know you said you won't read non-con, but the 'non-consent' part is very light. I honestly don't know what category to put it in, and you'll see what I mean if you read the story. Care to consider? ☺️
I tested Invictus recently, it's good but he hated it. Can't really recall what was the smell lol.
 
Kimikimidoll said:
I know you said you won't read non-con, but the 'non-consent' part is very light. I honestly don't know what category to put it in, and you'll see what I mean if you read the story.
Click to expand...


Yeah, I know where you're coming from. People seem to assume that if a story is placed in the non-con/reluctance category then it must constitute a full-blown rape story. That's simply not the case. People need to open their eyes and broaden their minds. Reluctance doesn't equal rape.

I've just submitted a story in the non-con/reluctance category that features mild reluctance, nothing more. Being new to amateur writing sites, it can be difficult determining which category to submit a story in, especially when it could be placed in several different categories.

Peace!
 
Randy_Scribbler said:
Being new to amateur writing sites, it can be difficult determining which category to submit a story in, especially when it could be placed in several different categories.
Click to expand...

Welcome to my head 😂 And my stories are more of a situational/ emotional description, rather than an outright graphic experience.
 
Kimikimidoll said:
That's a good point. It should be cologne.
You know, when you're talking to someone, and suddenly you realize they're too close- you get a sudden whiff of their perfume- and in the story, the character is already wary of the person, so the whole situation feels 'unnerving' to her.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I thought that was probably how you meant it, but it wasn't clear; I had to stop and think about it. I agree with LC, "so close I could smell his cologne" works better.

Randy_Scribbler said:
People seem to assume that if a story is placed in the non-con/reluctance category then it must constitute a full-blown rape story. That's simply not the case. People need to open their eyes and broaden their minds.
Click to expand...

No, they really don't. Some people don't like reluctance stories of any kind, and they have the right to that preference.
 
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