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Old 11-28-2012, 07:46 PM   #1
Wolfblackthorne is offline
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need advice on work in progress

please delete

Last edited by Wolfblackthorne : 11-29-2012 at 06:54 PM. Reason: wanted to delete my post
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Old 11-29-2012, 05:32 PM   #2
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CWatson is offline
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The first problem is that it is pretty slow. You use a lot of description, and while there is such thing as being too brief, there is also such thing as being too luxuriant, and you have definitely crossed that line. Let's take just one sentence from your opening segment. The stuff that's in red is redundant and could be cut out with no impact whatsoever:
Oxygen bubbles floated up from beneath the respirator mask with each breath the subject took in from the respirator mask upon his face.
Even worse, the entire first segment is not really necessary: you could start with Wolfgang waking up in the lab and not really lose anything, since everything that happens in the first segment is covered by later ones. Of course, I'm not sure but I think Rebecca (Rebeka? Pls decide on your spelling) is your main character, so then it would make sense to start with her POV.

The second problem is the lack of context. We know Wolfgang is... something, but not what. (It takes about 40 paragraphs for you to reveal that he's a shapeshifter, but it feels longer.) We know we're in The Future, but nothing more--and why forcefields alongside UH-60 Black Hawks? Even today we already have V-22 Ospreys, which are a lot more futuristic. Why is Wolfgang here? How did he get here? Who set up this facility? Why are people helping him escape? There is a sociopolitical context around this story that you haven't bothered talking about, and it makes you look lazy.

The third problem is the sloppy punctuation and spelling. The first two times Foster appears she has differently-spelled first names, and since she primarily goes by her first name this is confusing. And you have a lot of missing punctuation. These are things you could fix if you were willing to sit down and go through the story line-by-line, but evidently you're not. This also makes you look lazy.

The fourth problem, especially in light of the previous two, is that it is HUGE. You might have done better to post only the first chapter. That way, someone might have made it through the text and posted some responses.

The final problem, the most important one, is that it's kind of boring. None of the characters are doing anything interesting. Larkin is a typical mad scientist; Rebeka is a typical bleeding-heart giiiiiiirl; and Wolfgang is a typical werewolf. The characters are walking stereotypes and you haven't done anything to make them unique. What drives Larkin?--did he lose his baby boy to cancer? Why is Rebeka so compassionate, besides the fact that she's a giiiiirl and the female lead to boot? Maybe she's an indrawn, socially cold scientist who works better with animals than humans. How many people has Wolfgang killed on accident? Is he okay with being a mass murderer? Or does he loathe himself and secretly hope Larson can cure him--or, if necessary, finally do what nobody else has been able to, and kill him? These are very, very simple things you could to the characters to make them interesting, and you should look into doing so. Think about the uniqueness of every character you personally like and you'll notice that none of them are stereotypical--or, if they are, there's at least interesting reasons for them to be that way. Try to infuse the same depth into your own characters. There are genres where you can get away with shallow, boring characters, but romance is not one of them. Romance is, in fact, nothing but the celebration of character(ization).

(And yes, you're going to say, "But what about the shallow, vapid characters in Twilight?" To which I will respond, "Have you noticed that anyone with any taste or writing experience whatsoever HATES Twilight? That's not a coincidence.")

I could go on--I'm a sci-fi geek too--but I think that's enough to be going on with. If there are only two things you need to fix in your mind when you re-write, let them be this: 1) How can I give my characters personality, and 2) How compact can I be? Be terse; be laconic. Right now your story is a small number of interesting things and a large number of words. Try to reverse the ratio.
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Old 11-29-2012, 06:36 PM   #3
Wolfblackthorne is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: tennessee
Posts: 54
thank you for taking hte time to read and give critique. you bring up a lot of things i hadn't thought of which i will try to incorporate into it..

I have sat down and read it it i just wanted someone elses point of view for once which you have provided .

I don't really care for Twilight so i don't know about their characters or any of that hence why i guess i was being overly descriptive but I will try to cut it back a bit. I am still learning but I thank you for giving me advice. It is what i wanted. Thank you
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