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Old 06-01-2013, 04:15 PM   #1
DallasDom
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Wink The emotional aspects of BDSM

I've been a Dom for 7 years and searching for my next long-term sub/slave. To me the relationship is as much spiritual and philosophical as it is sexual.

Do most people here agree with this?
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Old 06-01-2013, 07:21 PM   #2
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Define "most." If you mean do most of the people who both post here and participate in long-term M/s relationships, then it's quite possible. But there are so many people who mostly lurk and rarely tell us much about their lives that it's impossible to answer your question.
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Old 06-02-2013, 06:04 PM   #3
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I'm a new Domme with an experienced sub.

I find the whole thing a huge turn on but it's primarily an emotional/mental experience, or at least that's on a par with the sexual side. In fact, when we have sex or play, my fascination with him and the effect my domination has on him almost takes over from my desire.

His submission is like a drug to me. I need it. I masturbate over it, certainly. But equally I sit and muse over it for hours.

So, yes, I for one am with you. It's not all about sex
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Old 06-02-2013, 07:53 PM   #4
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bdsm is not a religion.

it's about sex. it's about getting off in the way that turns you on the most.

it's no more spiritual than any other relationship which meets your emotional and sexual needs. it's the relief of finding a partner who shares and compliments your personal kinks that makes it feel extra special for bdsmers, particularly newbies.

add to that the fact that a lot of bdsm is actually online rather than real life. therefore, words and declarations of trust and devotion etc take on a more "spiritual" meaning than they deserve.
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Old 06-02-2013, 09:08 PM   #5
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For me, emotion plays no role in this. It's sex...period. But sex...whatever the variety...is always better when there's emotions involved, certainly if you're in love with someone.
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Old 06-02-2013, 10:36 PM   #6
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BDSM has fascinated me for a while now because to me, it does seem like much more than sex. I'm only an Erotica writer though. I don't have any personal experience in this world... yet. I just enjoy perusing forums and reading Erotica online to get my information right now, but someday I'd like to research by experience.
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Old 06-03-2013, 01:48 PM   #7
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I am attracted to D/s because of the mental and emotional aspects of it. The blog below focuses on that type of D/s connection the author has with his Muse. Very well written for anyone who may be interested....

http://fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com/
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Old 06-03-2013, 02:08 PM   #8
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I don't really grok D/s luurve personally, although I develop little anime hearts in my eyes when I read the stories my friends write about it-- I am cognisant that it has a huge emotional component for many people.
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Old 06-03-2013, 02:53 PM   #9
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I don't really grok D/s luurve personally, although I develop little anime hearts in my eyes when I read the stories my friends write about it-- I am cognisant that it has a huge emotional component for many people.
I love that image of you! How deliciously messed up your av would be with cute little anime hearts in your eyes
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Old 06-03-2013, 03:26 PM   #10
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I love that image of you! How deliciously messed up your av would be with cute little anime hearts in your eyes
Okay, opening photoshop right now...
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Old 06-03-2013, 10:59 PM   #11
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Okay, opening photoshop right now...
Looks cool, but no hearts in your eyes. Love the steampunk pic by the way.
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hoo mchm huq h khz xw ncfaj

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Old 06-03-2013, 11:34 PM   #12
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Looks cool, but no hearts in your eyes. Love the steampunk pic by the way.
My hearts is too big-- wouldn't fit in my little eyes!
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Old 06-03-2013, 11:54 PM   #13
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My hearts is too big-- wouldn't fit in my little eyes!
Your are never too big
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Posted by Byron In Exile 05-20-2014
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hoo mchm huq h khz xw ncfaj

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Old 06-04-2013, 01:09 AM   #14
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Emotional aspects are important yes, but the ones I tend to like to play with are not the nice ones. It's indirectly sexual, but wouldn't call it spiritual either. I'm more inclined to want to go there with someone who's excited to be hated by me, based on the fact that they trust that I like them well enough.

I'm not sure why people realize that there are things happening in SM which happen in addition to what they think of as sexual so they automatically try to make them exalted, grand, whatever. Everyone wants to be the concubine, but someone has to be the floor scrubber you just spit on and they can't do anything about that.

Gotta love those who love that.
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Old 06-04-2013, 02:04 AM   #15
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People have asked me what my submissive fantasy is, and here's what it is; That I am not treated like a submissive, that people don't expect me to follow orders with joy in my heart, but just expect me to follow those orders, and are ready to force me to do so. If you want me to wash the dishes, you have to drag me to the sink, lock my leash to the water spigot, and expect me to curse your name while I do them. If you want me to service your girlfriend, you drag me over to her by my leash.

It gets people very puzzled. They want to know why? I prolly know, but I don't much care. They don't see any love or spirituality in it-- nope, there kind of isn't. it's just what the imagination has provided.

Anyway, It seems like a lot of work for someone...
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Old 06-04-2013, 06:54 AM   #16
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People have asked me what my submissive fantasy is, and here's what it is; That I am not treated like a submissive, that people don't expect me to follow orders with joy in my heart, but just expect me to follow those orders, and are ready to force me to do so. If you want me to wash the dishes, you have to drag me to the sink, lock my leash to the water spigot, and expect me to curse your name while I do them. If you want me to service your girlfriend, you drag me over to her by my leash.

It gets people very puzzled. They want to know why? I prolly know, but I don't much care. They don't see any love or spirituality in it-- nope, there kind of isn't. it's just what the imagination has provided.

Anyway, It seems like a lot of work for someone...
Was that you in my dream last night?

I get this... very much so. But yeah, shitload of work involved for the top and impossible to manage for more than a session, let alone 24/7 (though a girl can dream!)


I don't really get lovey dovey D/s situations (for myself, not trying to pass judgement here) so any emotional aspects involved in our D/s mostly involve anger, resentment, coersion and fear. I really struggle to find anything spiritual in my experiences and getting philosophical about what we do/enjoy seems like a fruitless endeavour for me. I can see how D/s could feel spiritual though, but I think that's something players bring to the dynamic, rather than something inherently present in D/s.
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Old 06-04-2013, 07:48 AM   #17
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People have asked me what my submissive fantasy is, and here's what it is; That I am not treated like a submissive, that people don't expect me to follow orders with joy in my heart, but just expect me to follow those orders, and are ready to force me to do so. If you want me to wash the dishes, you have to drag me to the sink, lock my leash to the water spigot, and expect me to curse your name while I do them. If you want me to service your girlfriend, you drag me over to her by my leash.

It gets people very puzzled. They want to know why? I prolly know, but I don't much care. They don't see any love or spirituality in it-- nope, there kind of isn't. it's just what the imagination has provided.

Anyway, It seems like a lot of work for someone...
This is pretty close to the life I lead. Except the leash. I do have a dog bowl and toys though.

I actually started cultivating the "slave mindset" after I'd been living this way for a while, mostly because it made me happier in the long run.

edited to add: It is a lot of work for someone. He gets tired of it sometimes, and wants me to continue on without him. . . .

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Old 06-04-2013, 08:28 AM   #18
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People have asked me what my submissive fantasy is, and here's what it is; That I am not treated like a submissive, that people don't expect me to follow orders with joy in my heart, but just expect me to follow those orders, and are ready to force me to do so. If you want me to wash the dishes, you have to drag me to the sink, lock my leash to the water spigot, and expect me to curse your name while I do them. If you want me to service your girlfriend, you drag me over to her by my leash.

It gets people very puzzled. They want to know why? I prolly know, but I don't much care. They don't see any love or spirituality in it-- nope, there kind of isn't. it's just what the imagination has provided.

Anyway, It seems like a lot of work for someone...
That's kinda hot. Not how I'd want to live my life, but a dirty weekend or something sure. Reminds me of really good pony play with someone who gets how horses actually are.
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Old 06-04-2013, 08:52 AM   #19
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That's kinda hot. Not how I'd want to live my life, but a dirty weekend or something sure. Reminds me of really good pony play with someone who gets how horses actually are.
yeah, that would be a great way to frame it.
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Old 06-04-2013, 01:30 PM   #20
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yeah, that would be a great way to frame it.
Here's some very enjoyable fiction from a friend of mine, who does think of it that way.
Slash fan fiction based on The Sentinal series M/M horse taming play; Leading To Water
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Old 06-05-2013, 01:28 AM   #21
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The emotional aspect is what sustains me during the physical dry spells. We're "older" with the typical collection of illnesses, injuries and inconveniences that comes with the territory. Life gets in the way...a lot! I know that, if he reads this, he'll probably roll his eyes because he doubts me (it's been a tough year, or so), but I know that I'm still 'in my place' in my heart, and always, always waiting for him to find me and take me over again.
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Old 06-05-2013, 02:03 AM   #22
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I am attracted to D/s because of the mental and emotional aspects of it. The blog below focuses on that type of D/s connection the author has with his Muse. Very well written for anyone who may be interested....

http://fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com/
I have very much enjoyed reading this, thank you.
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Old 06-05-2013, 01:18 PM   #23
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People have asked me what my submissive fantasy is, and here's what it is; That I am not treated like a submissive, that people don't expect me to follow orders with joy in my heart, but just expect me to follow those orders, and are ready to force me to do so. If you want me to wash the dishes, you have to drag me to the sink, lock my leash to the water spigot, and expect me to curse your name while I do them. If you want me to service your girlfriend, you drag me over to her by my leash.

It gets people very puzzled. They want to know why? I prolly know, but I don't much care. They don't see any love or spirituality in it-- nope, there kind of isn't. it's just what the imagination has provided.

Anyway, It seems like a lot of work for someone...
Sound good to me!

Then again, I've been on a philosophical kick of how platonic love fits in with my D/s mindset. I've never written a story where characters have had the need to say the L word.

And damn, my D/s is spiritual. But when you're in a world-accepting religion, everything is spiritual. Instead of "higher" and "purer", I've got "deeper" and "smaller". I fantasize about being ground into meal and scattered like ashes or being buried alive. If 10 on the pain scale is unconsciousness, I've experienced 9.8. Tunnel vision and seeing white spots is just as much D/s as spirituality to me.

There's really no reconciliation to be done with that and the mundane stuff. Doing dishes, whether I'm chained to the sink or not, is a spiritual act of being in right relationship with my home. Making sure dinner is done when he gets home is the same thing. And so on.
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Old 06-05-2013, 10:07 PM   #24
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I don't know if it is more spiritual or philosophical but I think it is much more mental and emotional.

*Please note that I am a wee babe when it comes to having a D/s relationship. So these are just that thoughts of a newb*

I am finding that as I transition into this relationship, I am beginning to hate my Dom at times. It really is in some ways a 'love'/hate kind of thing. I genuinely care for him but the more he pushes me the more I hate him.

He pushes and pokes and prods at me until I want to scream. Until I want to just lose it and unleash on him. Still he pricks at me, until I do. Until I am a sobbing mess. And after that passes and he comforts me and calms me down. I feel better. I feel fluid and lighter and energized. And thankful and in a strange way connected.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way or if I am strange for finding joy and satisfaction (and anger, frustration and annoyance) in it but that for me is where the mental and emotional aspect comes into play.
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Old 06-06-2013, 01:07 AM   #25
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That's called "catharsis" and hopefully, he has a reasonable idea of how often you need to spend time and energy that way. Because it does take a toll! That feeling of hate? It might actually be PTSD developing. Please be aware and care for yourself.
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