subbie advice... or Dom advice

I am in a D/s relationship... married to him and all. Two kids... and lately... it just seems to be falling apart. We don't talk or communicate at all, we seem to be at odds. He came on here behind my back looking for another sub, supposedly with my permission, which he didn't have, and now I find myself questioning himon everything. I have a hard time listening to him, obeying him, or even trusting himto not be on here still looking. I find myself pulling away from him. Don't get me wrong.. I love him and don't want to lose him... but I don't know how to get back to what we had. When I try to talk to him he gets mad and defensive and shuts down after making me feel bad about the way I feel and my need to try and understand. I'm so lost and hurt, and now he won't even talk to me... about anything... even to ask how my day was or to give me directions.

I guess my question is...have any Doms or subs had this problem? Is it fixable? How do I fix it??? I'm tired of feeling like the only one trying, but I don't know where to go or what to do. Please help!!!

Urgh, that's rough.

Aside from the D/s aspect, what you have is a relationship that's falling apart. Can you guys do couples therapy? (My ex refused, by the way-- I did some therapy by myself, but we never did iron our problems out)

Depending on where you are in WI, there should be kink-friendly therapists around.

Thanks Stella... I doubt I'll get him to do therapy... He isn't one to discuss problems... Would actually probably be kind of mad about this lol.

We are south central near the capital... I'm sure there are some in Madison... At least I would think there would be... But I don't know if it would work if I was the only one going.

I kind of feel lost. I asked last night why he wasn't talking to me... Because I don't have anything to say to you... I don't get that response, and when I tried to ask why, he shut down again. So I guess I am stuck with the silent treatment

Sometimes being a sub really fucks you over.

Sir_Winston54 said:

Fixed that for ya.

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Yup, I think that's closer to the truth.

Does not compute.

We've hit these spots. I hate to say that the only way out was for me to return to full-slave mode until we re-connected, which meant letting go of whatever difficulties I thought I was having and accepting whatever was happening. It's easier than it seems at first.

There were many times that I thought I was the only taking responsibility for making the relationship work - but in retrospect, I can't say for sure that he wasn't also trying. I was just too stuck in my own hard-head to see the moments he was softening towards me.

The one problem with crossing lines in a M/s relationship (I don't know if it's the same in D/s) is that you can't ever go back. You can only go forward.

eastern sun said:

The one problem with crossing lines in a M/s relationship (I don't know if it's the same in D/s) is that you can't ever go back. You can only go forward.

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At the risk of sounding really clueless, but really very curious, Eastern Sun, would you elaborate on this?

Also, I've been a long time lurker here. I have always appreciated reading your posts and felt a sort of kindred spirit thing for you. The "Marks of a Slave thread" I need to catch up on it. Is it still here? I haven't been able to locate it, although I admit to only halfheartedly trying to search.

lol, I forgot I'm a part of the forums now. I only have to click your name to find it

eastern sun said:

The one problem with crossing lines in a M/s relationship (I don't know if it's the same in D/s) is that you can't ever go back. You can only go forward.

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All_4_Love said:

At the risk of sounding really clueless, but really very curious, Eastern Sun, would you elaborate on this?

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Fantasy is not the same as reality. I have fantasies and sexual desires that I don't ever want to act on, but they still turn me on.

Once in a while, in a long-term relationship with M/s dynamics, we've crossed lines into territory that made one or the other of us feel deeply threatened or abused. Frightened, vulnerable, resentful, injured. (And it wasn't just me, the slave, who winds up there. He can go to very painful territory just as easily.)

In those moments, very real physical or emotional threat and pain has entered what is supposed to be a 'loving relationship.' Most of the time, if it is short-term and the boundaries are clearly defined, it's possible to compartmentalize the experience and move on.

An example - we were on vacation and I was blindfolded, gagged and tied to the post of an unfamiliar cabin. He started doing something that we had done before, but the differences in the architecture of the cabin changed the way the impact travelled through my body, and the way I was tied didn't allow me to adjust enough to mitigate the effect. It was pitch black in the room and I could sense that he couldn't tell what was happening in me. Because I felt physically threatened (I was afraid that my spine would be injured), and he wasn't picking up on it, I lost trust (we were also in a stage of the relationship when I wanted him to be omniscient and know everything before I had to tell him), I started screaming through the gag, dissolving into a sobbing mess of the kind he wasn't looking for. He was surprised and taken aback. I felt like a "terrible slave." Once I calmed down and told him what was going on, I wanted to try again, but he didn't want to go anywhere near it. We went to bed kind of shell-shocked and disappointed that this experience we thought was going to be wonderful didn't turn out anything like wonderful.

That's the easy kind of experience to overcome.

Sometimes our sexual interactions have unleashed aggression that was frightening to both of us. For instance, he's had his hands around my throat ready to kill me. I find this sexually and emotionally thrilling - and discovered I am willing to goad him to it. He hates it though, and (I believe rightfully) hates me for taking him there.

He has a cuckold fetish, and loves it when I choose other men. As his slave, I will play with other men, but I prefer him to anyone else I've encountered in large part because of the emotional bond and trust that we have built over the years. (and we are really wonderful complements to each other). Once I've begun fucking or playing with someone else though, and he becomes "the cuckold" it can be very hard to return. He'll fixate on the idea that I don't want him (which is not true).

And whereas I have grown as comfortable as I can with his relationships with other women, I have deep abandonment fears and sometimes I can't help hating him when he expresses his attraction or desire for other women.

My point in this long-winded post is that reality is full of complicated emotional experiences. Once you start pursuing your fantasies and acting on them, the reality may have aspects that are missing in an imagined scenario. Picking yourself up from an experience that is threatening or frightening or (worse-case scenario) injurious, you don't get to go back to fantasy-land where those things don't happen. You can only learn from the experience and move forward.

I believe our relationship works because we haven't given up on it and have been willing to stop and assess "the damage" any time that one or the other of us has feel threatened.

Wow…

Truly, thank you so much for sharing that.

Since we are on a “porn” site, just for clarification purposes, I am heterosexual

That being said, I would like to express my admiration for you as a woman. You have an amazing gift for writing. And I truly enjoy when you talk in depth about things because I get a glimpse inside of your mind, which is probably the closest to the “mind of a slave”, if you will, of anyone else that posts here. I see a lot of myself in you. I’m glad that you’re back around and posting again.

Without going in to too much about myself, as I want to be courteous to the OP, I was in an abusive relationship; however, it took me years to consolidate that. I was in extreme denial, and I have often wondered how much of that had to do with my mindset, my kinks, etc.

I know your relationship is pretty extreme as well but somehow you have both managed to ride that fine line. Unfortunately, my relationship did not go that direction; however, I am grateful for the things that I have learned.

Thank you again for sharing your experiences and feelings, Eastern Sun. It’s a pleasure to finally “meet” you. Namaste …

eastern sun said:

We've hit these spots. I hate to say that the only way out was for me to return to full-slave mode until we re-connected, which meant letting go of whatever difficulties I thought I was having and accepting whatever was happening. It's easier than it seems at first.

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Letting go of difficulties. This^^^^. I have had trust issues in the past, and was able to get past them by letting go of my own hang ups. This is not easy to do for me, and it is a conscious and deliberate mind set on my part. I find I can shift my own perspective, though, if I try hard enough. If you can achieve this, it may be enough to influence him, but that is something probably only you can be the judge of. I hope you can get past your problems