Humor Thread

Secrets to a Long Happy Marriage

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine,
while sitting on the patio with her husband,
and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know
how I can live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

Handley_Page said:

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Click to expand...

A long time ago, when I was a teenager, the New York learner's permit test was multiple choice. One of the choices to answer "what should you do if you encounter children playing in the street?" was "Nudge them gently with your bumper." It wasn't the right answer though, to some examinee's chagrin.

YoursSINSerely said:

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine,
while sitting on the patio with her husband,
and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know
how I can live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

Click to expand...

Loved it. Made me smile, I like to smile.
Thank you
DG

An elderly man visits his doctor."Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit."

"Very well, let me see your sex organs, please."

The aged patient replied o.k. "And stuck out his index finger and his tongue."

(come on now, that was funny)

Watching Horses.

A little boy asks his father,"Daddy, what is that long thing hanging under one of the horses?"
"Mom says that It's nothing." he adds.

The father replies,"Well son, your mom is spoiled."

God Gets Only Slightly Higher Job Approval Ratings Than Obama

Click to expand...

Wonkette Humor.

Whatever God is up to these days — forwarding spam emails to the Pope, watching Sex and the City reruns, filling up NFL fan message boards with gripes about the players’ lockout under His “RickPerryIsAGoon” handle — only earns Him the job approval stamp from 52% of Americans. That is not so bad for a retired guy? Meanwhile, loser Barack Obama is only slightly behind with his 45% approval ratings, because he at least shows up for work.

Click to expand...

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.
The clerk hands him a little purple can and says,

"This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps,
"This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.
Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

His wife asked, "What is that?"

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

Handley_Page said:

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.
Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."

His wife asked, "What is that?"

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

Click to expand...

Good one, HP.

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.

"Well, my wife aint home, shes gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasnt interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "Whats that?" Before the peddler could tellhim it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God howd you get apicture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy, he traded his wifes best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid the mirror in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out tothe barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife gotsuspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin around with!"

Famous Last Words...

** It's fireproof.

** He's probably just hibernating.

** What does this button do?

** It's probably just a rash.

** Are you sure the power is off?

** The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

** Pull the pin and count to what?

** Which wire was I supposed to cut?

** I wonder where the mother bear is.

** I've seen this done on TV.

** These are the good kind of mushrooms.

** I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

** Let it down slowly.

** It's strong enough for both of us.

** This doesn't taste right.

** I can make this light before it changes.

** Nice doggie.

** I can do that with my eyes closed.

** I've done this before.

** What duck?

** Well, we've made it this far.

** That's odd.

** Don't be so superstitious.

** Now watch this.


http://www.cartalk.com/content/read-on/2001/07.14-2.html

Click to expand...

Lost Member

He woke up in a hospital bed.

Seeing that the patient had regained consciousness, a doctor who was standing at the side of the bed said, "You've been in a terrible auto accident, but your injuries aren't life-threatening and you're going to be fine. There's just one thing: We couldn't save your penis."

As the doctor spoke, the patient experienced a roller-coaster ride of emotions, from fear through joy to grief.

Seeing the patient's face fall after learning he'd lost his penis, the doctor went on. "But we have the technology today to make you a new one..., and the new ones work pretty well."

The patient's spirits began to rise.

"Now they cost about $1000 per inch,..."

The patient's spirits fell again.

"...but your insurance will pay up to $10,000 for this particular loss."

The patient grinned broadly.

"But I want you to talk to your wife before you make a decision. If she's used to a nine-incher and suddenly you have a four-incher, she might be upset. Same if she's used to a four-incher and you come home with nine inches. The two of you should make this decision together. I'll come back tomorrow to see what you've decided."

A day later, the doctor walked into the hospital room again and addressed the patient.

"Did you talk to your wife?"

"Yes."

"And did the two of you reach a decision?"

"Yes, doctor."

"And what was that decision?"

"We're getting granite counter-tops."

---------------------------

--CarlusMagnus

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch
drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed."

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates Me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150."

‘Live fast, die young’ bill hopes to save Social Security

Click to expand...

Congress passed the landmark “Grab Life By the Balls” bill, which is estimated to save billions in Social Security costs,--- reported. The legislation encourages Americans to “live fast and die young” by outlawing helmets, making anything legal if snorted and providing tax breaks to citizens who brandish broadswords in public.

Click to expand...

I wonder if they'll subsidize Sky diving lessons?

JackLuis said:

I wonder if they'll subsidize Sky diving lessons?

Click to expand...

The problem is that young people haven't had time to contribute much to SS. What they need to do is pass out free cigarettes to everybodyover fifty, along with subsidized junk food and charge high excise taxes on healthy things for middle aged people.

When those people die, they will have contributed much more, and will never get any more than a pittance of it back. Their children will usually be old enough by then as to be unable to draw from it too.

FA-18 Fighter aircraft cost: $32 million
U.S. Marine pilot attitude: priceless…

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all
aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense
Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian
airspace.

The following conversation was heard on VHF:-


Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait.'
Air Defense Radar: (total silence)

Hi all,

I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd soiree over the years.

Well I for one have done something about it: Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too many drinks, knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!!

Handley_Page said:

Hi all,

I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd soiree over the years.

Well I for one have done something about it: Last night I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had way too many drinks, knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before!!

Click to expand...

Good one, HP.

Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica -where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:







"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool people.
I am sorry, the devil made me do it!!!
I fell for it too.

Creative Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town
with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50