More Humour

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, " What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

- - What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada...

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to
increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week "Big Jugs" Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented.....

"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

A squirrel is relaxing in his tree when it suddenly starts to shake violently. He looks outside and sees an elephant climbing the tree.

The squirrel says "hey Elephant, what are you doing?"

The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"

"You dummy," sayeth the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."

The elephant looks at the squirrel and says
"I know, I brought my own!"

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

I'm thinking of posing for some glamour shots ...

NaokoSmith said:

I'm thinking of posing for some glamour shots ...

Click to expand...

Is the blonde a Gil Elvegren picture ?

===================

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes.
Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."
A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so he said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.


They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
With my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion..

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.

The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Still relevant after 23 goddamn years:

Not much of a joke, though, is it ?

Meanwhile, in the letters column:-
See here.

Note:
"B&Q" is a large hardware store for "Do It Yourself" enthusiasts.
"Radio 1" is a BBC channel playing modern pop music.
"Aviva" is, amongst other things, a transport [bus] company.

They were caught breaking drive-through rules. Apparently.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/p...j7kJCv3Nded18AepcRtgUvxJvbZMol0q=w444-h331-nc

Learin said:

They were caught breaking drive-through rules. Apparently.

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/p...j7kJCv3Nded18AepcRtgUvxJvbZMol0q=w444-h331-nc

Click to expand...

Now we know what became of Fred Flintstone.
======================


One day, the wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom having sex with a very attractive woman. Understandably, the wife was upset!

“You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce straight away!"

“But hang on a minute luv" the husband replied "At least let me explain"

"Fine, go ahead" she sobbed "But they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!"

And so he began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the dinner I made for you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it in minutes. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she took a shower. I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away and gave her those designer jeans you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found that sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

The husband then took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, as I walked her to the front door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

WHY ETHEL CHANGED MOTELS :

Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th. birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age, she decided to risk an adventure.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page add for a guy calling himself “Tender Tony” a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .......
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know, I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, “I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.”

“No, wait, I should be straight with you, I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.”
“I want it hot, and I want it now, bring implements, toys, every thing you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!”

“Now how does that sound?”

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic ma'am, but you need to press 9 – first, to get an outside line.”

Handley_Page said:

Not much of a joke, though, is it ?

Meanwhile, in the letters column:-
See here.

Note:
"B&Q" is a large hardware store for "Do It Yourself" enthusiasts.
"Radio 1" is a BBC channel playing modern pop music.
"Aviva" is, amongst other things, a transport [bus] company.

Click to expand...

Sorry HP, I think you meant 'Arriva' - Aviva is the old Norwich Union Insurance Group

Lori_the_Hoosier said:

Sorry HP, I think you meant 'Arriva' - Aviva is the old Norwich Union Insurance Group

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Thank you, Lori.
I think I need new glasses; either that or the person who designed the fount needs some help.

=========================

After having their 11th child, a "Mancunian couple" decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Mancunian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in parts of Birmingham, Essex, inner London, Newcastle, anywhere in Wales and parts of Glasgow.

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


I always wondered how this trend got started; now I know!

Handley_Page said:

WHY ETHEL CHANGED MOTELS :


“No, wait, I should be straight with you, I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.”
“I want it hot, and I want it now, bring implements, toys, every thing you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!”

“Now how does that sound?”

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic ma'am, but you need to press 9 – first, to get an outside line.”

Click to expand...

Now if that had been the concierge in a Parisian hotel about fifty years ago, he would have made arrangements for her right then and there. He probably had a list of people to call for that.

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

hi

Teacher said, "any student who answers my question first and correct can leave the class and go home now"
One boy threw out his school bag out the window. Teacher asked "who threw out the bag?' boy said i threw the bag out teacher. bye i am going home now thank you" and the teacher was aghast.

fma20fma said:

Teacher said, "any student who answers my question first and correct can leave the class and go home now"
One boy threw out his school bag out the window. Teacher asked "who threw out the bag?' boy said i threw the bag out teacher. bye i am going home now thank you" and the teacher was aghast.

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People forget how literal students can be. I once worked with a new kindergarten teacher who, upon returning with his students from the library, told them to toss their books on the table so they could get ready for lunch. When they did, he was totally upset. The rest of us rolled our eyes and told him next time to say "set your books on the desk."

hi

I remember one student saying bacteria is the back entrance to the cafeteria and stunned me.

fma20fma said:

I remember one student saying bacteria is the back entrance to the cafeteria and stunned me.

Click to expand...

Makes sense to me.

hi

students always surprise teachers with their ingenious answers. The teacher said tomorrow there will be an essay exam and the subject will be either about COW or can be about a TREE. The student prepared for the subject COW. But the teacher announced it would be TREE. The student wrote a full page about COW and finished with a sentence. Such a cow was found tied to the TREE and grazing grass.

Kids can be very creative when the spark hits them. Especially if they think they are getting one over on the teacher.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a supermarket.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.
Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.
The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"