riff
Jose Jones
- Joined
- Nov 22, 2000
- Posts
- 10,348
6:01 PM 1/29/2002
Scene: riff's living room. riff alone is at his computer.
riff (reading screen): hmmmmmmm. "I need a 2 day fuckfest...." hmmmmmm "Have you ever stuck a pickle in your hiney, if so hot or cold?" (chuckles) This ought to be good.... let's see. "The first time I did it, it was cold. It gave me the willies..." "I always warm them up in the sink with water.... it's great, and they are disposable!" (Laughs out) Oh shit... (chuckle) "I use sweet ones because the sour ones burn..." JESUS CHRIST! (laughing very hard, rises, walks off stage, offstage laughs heard, reappears and sits before computer)
riff: God, where do these people come up with this stuff?
Champ (appears) Now... now....
riff: Champ! Oh, hi. (smiles)
Champ: You ain't all that innocent ya know.
riff: What do mean?
Champ: You come up with some pretty funky shit, but theres some out there better than you.
riff (sadly): What do you mean, Champ?
Champ: You know what I mean. You read some of the stuff that people I write and you wish you had written them. You read the way some of the adventures and fantasies that people write and you wish you were.... well, that cool. You read some of the responses that some of the guys give the girls and you wish you were that clever. You know damned well what I mean.
riff (lights a cigarette)
Champ: I am tell you, man. You got a problem. You suck- that's a problem.
riff (exhales, agitated): You need to stop that shit right now, Champ.
Champ (clueless)
riff: That's the kind of crap that ruins relationships, bud, and I don't want to lose you.
Champ: You can't lose me! We're fucking inseperable for chrissakes!
riff: No, no, no.... that's not what I mean. I am not talking about physically losing you. (smiles) More than once I've wanted to wring your neck... heheh no... I mean toss you and your shit out- my life would be a hell of a lot simpler.
Champ: You faggot! I always knew you were gay! (starts crying) You would kill me to become a WOMAN?
riff: NO, Champ! No... you are mistunderstanding, man... God no... no.... (goes to champ) No, no, no... don't ever worry about that. You misunderstood. What I mean to say was that sometimes you are a big pain in the ass and you are very demanding! Sometimes I feel like I am under the gun. Please don't worry.
Champ: Well, how do you think I feel? Shit! riff, you wack me off and I appreciate it. And when you wack me off, you appreciate it too, don't you? You rent the damned pornos, go on the internet, wack off... wack off.... Man, I WANT PUSSY!
riff: (sympathetic chuckle): Champ. (laughs) I KNOW! I KNOW! I WANT IT TOO! I want it as bad as you do, as bad as you do. I love it! I am crazy about it! I could smother my face in it for hours if I could. And more, my buddy, you would fucking score. Think of that hot wet hole, my man. Think of how fucking good it feels in there....
Champ (as if coming out of a trance): Yeah.....
riff (puts out cigarette)
riff: Champ, sometimes I don't know what to do with you. Life... Damn, women.... Sometimes it feels so complicated, I get paralyzed in thrying to think it out.
Champ: Now you're talking shit, riff.
ASS: SHIT? DiD SomeOne say SHIT? Are wE goNna SHIT?
riff & Champ: SHUT UP DUMB
ASS!
ASS: (produces a loud flatulous discharge)
Champ: Para-who? You fucking moron, all you gotta do is get one near me and I'll take care of the rest. (rises, flexing muscles) Why, I'LL-
riff (interrupting): Stop. Stop it now, man. I know all about what you can do you boastful little prick. I'm already proud of you, you don't need to brag, OK.
Champ: All right. (rests with a very confident and self-satisfied air about himself, reflecting)
Champ: I have been good. Never a complaint, anyway. Plenty of compliments. I've been pulling my weight for how long now? How many years?
riff: 38, my man, 38. Well, that depends. When I was a baby, you were pretty much just this silly willy looking thing.
Champ: Not the handsome stud I am today!
riff: No, champ. You weren't the proud lion I know today. Then, you were just a little cub.
Champ: A cub? (stands and roars like a lion)
riff: Settle down, settle down. I'll never forget the first time I remember truly discovering you. Remember? We were with Mom, Dad, Dash, and Raylene, Star was just a baby. We were in that hotel because we were waiting for them to finish building our house.
Champ: I remember. Yes, I remember. It was bound to happen. You found your brother's stash of Penthouse Magazines. How old were you?
riff: Hmmmm... it was the summer after the 6th grade.
Champ: I remember... it was before we moved to the hotel from the old house in New Orleans. You found those magazines under his bed. I fell in love instantly.
riff: (chuckles) Love... heh
Champ: I felt so strange! It was weird! Woooooo! I thought, what is this shit! Whoa! I have never seen anything I wanted so much in the world!
riff: I know what you mean.
Champ: And you, stupid fuck that you are, did nothing.
riff: I know! I was feeling so strange too! It's almost like I understood, but had no idea of what I was understanding!
Champ: Like I said, stupid fuck, you didn't do anything! You were supposed to rub me!
riff: I know.... I'm sorry I let you down old boy. But hey! It didn't take me long to figure it out.
Champ: Now that I remember! That was when we were in the hotel! In the bathroom! We'd been swimming all day and you had to take a shower before you all went out to eat! What day?
riff: Don't know. But it was August, 1975.
Champ: You sat on the toilet. You took a dump and leak and I said: "DUUUUUUUDE!!!!!" WHHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!! I AM HERE! I HAVE ARRIVED! and then you started rubbing my head. It was great! And I yelled out to ya: HEY RIFF! YA GOT ANYTHING SLIPPERY OUT THERE? Next thing I was in hog heaven.
riff: (laughing) And I was like, YEAH..... YEAH...... (big smile) When you shot off I freaked.
Champ: I had never dreamed I would be able to do that! PAEYOW!!! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
riff (laughing) Go Champ! Go!
Champ: PA-POW! Pa-POW! BOOM! BOOM! YEEEEOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!
(fireworks heard off stage)
riff (laughing, affectionately looking at Champ) It was like a religous rite! Heh! Your First Ejaculation. It's been a lot of fun hasn't it?
Champ: WHAT? Your fucking hand? Dude, you really are a fuckwit, aren't you? I WANT PUSSY! Fuck your hand. FEED ME PUSSY! TRIM, DUDE! TRIM!
riff (blowing-off Champ) Oh, go take a nap, you stupid dick.
riff (resumes at computer and laughs) HA! "Ladies, On the Topic of Ball Lapping and Rimjobs..." HA!
(from offstage)
Champ: Hey! I like the sound of that!
Ass (giggles) Yeah! Read that one!
END
Scene: riff's living room. riff alone is at his computer.
riff (reading screen): hmmmmmmm. "I need a 2 day fuckfest...." hmmmmmm "Have you ever stuck a pickle in your hiney, if so hot or cold?" (chuckles) This ought to be good.... let's see. "The first time I did it, it was cold. It gave me the willies..." "I always warm them up in the sink with water.... it's great, and they are disposable!" (Laughs out) Oh shit... (chuckle) "I use sweet ones because the sour ones burn..." JESUS CHRIST! (laughing very hard, rises, walks off stage, offstage laughs heard, reappears and sits before computer)
riff: God, where do these people come up with this stuff?
Champ (appears) Now... now....
riff: Champ! Oh, hi. (smiles)
Champ: You ain't all that innocent ya know.
riff: What do mean?
Champ: You come up with some pretty funky shit, but theres some out there better than you.
riff (sadly): What do you mean, Champ?
Champ: You know what I mean. You read some of the stuff that people I write and you wish you had written them. You read the way some of the adventures and fantasies that people write and you wish you were.... well, that cool. You read some of the responses that some of the guys give the girls and you wish you were that clever. You know damned well what I mean.
riff (lights a cigarette)
Champ: I am tell you, man. You got a problem. You suck- that's a problem.
riff (exhales, agitated): You need to stop that shit right now, Champ.
Champ (clueless)
riff: That's the kind of crap that ruins relationships, bud, and I don't want to lose you.
Champ: You can't lose me! We're fucking inseperable for chrissakes!
riff: No, no, no.... that's not what I mean. I am not talking about physically losing you. (smiles) More than once I've wanted to wring your neck... heheh no... I mean toss you and your shit out- my life would be a hell of a lot simpler.
Champ: You faggot! I always knew you were gay! (starts crying) You would kill me to become a WOMAN?
riff: NO, Champ! No... you are mistunderstanding, man... God no... no.... (goes to champ) No, no, no... don't ever worry about that. You misunderstood. What I mean to say was that sometimes you are a big pain in the ass and you are very demanding! Sometimes I feel like I am under the gun. Please don't worry.
Champ: Well, how do you think I feel? Shit! riff, you wack me off and I appreciate it. And when you wack me off, you appreciate it too, don't you? You rent the damned pornos, go on the internet, wack off... wack off.... Man, I WANT PUSSY!
riff: (sympathetic chuckle): Champ. (laughs) I KNOW! I KNOW! I WANT IT TOO! I want it as bad as you do, as bad as you do. I love it! I am crazy about it! I could smother my face in it for hours if I could. And more, my buddy, you would fucking score. Think of that hot wet hole, my man. Think of how fucking good it feels in there....
Champ (as if coming out of a trance): Yeah.....
riff (puts out cigarette)
riff: Champ, sometimes I don't know what to do with you. Life... Damn, women.... Sometimes it feels so complicated, I get paralyzed in thrying to think it out.
Champ: Now you're talking shit, riff.
ASS: SHIT? DiD SomeOne say SHIT? Are wE goNna SHIT?
riff & Champ: SHUT UP DUMB
ASS!
ASS: (produces a loud flatulous discharge)
Champ: Para-who? You fucking moron, all you gotta do is get one near me and I'll take care of the rest. (rises, flexing muscles) Why, I'LL-
riff (interrupting): Stop. Stop it now, man. I know all about what you can do you boastful little prick. I'm already proud of you, you don't need to brag, OK.
Champ: All right. (rests with a very confident and self-satisfied air about himself, reflecting)
Champ: I have been good. Never a complaint, anyway. Plenty of compliments. I've been pulling my weight for how long now? How many years?
riff: 38, my man, 38. Well, that depends. When I was a baby, you were pretty much just this silly willy looking thing.
Champ: Not the handsome stud I am today!
riff: No, champ. You weren't the proud lion I know today. Then, you were just a little cub.
Champ: A cub? (stands and roars like a lion)
riff: Settle down, settle down. I'll never forget the first time I remember truly discovering you. Remember? We were with Mom, Dad, Dash, and Raylene, Star was just a baby. We were in that hotel because we were waiting for them to finish building our house.
Champ: I remember. Yes, I remember. It was bound to happen. You found your brother's stash of Penthouse Magazines. How old were you?
riff: Hmmmm... it was the summer after the 6th grade.
Champ: I remember... it was before we moved to the hotel from the old house in New Orleans. You found those magazines under his bed. I fell in love instantly.
riff: (chuckles) Love... heh
Champ: I felt so strange! It was weird! Woooooo! I thought, what is this shit! Whoa! I have never seen anything I wanted so much in the world!
riff: I know what you mean.
Champ: And you, stupid fuck that you are, did nothing.
riff: I know! I was feeling so strange too! It's almost like I understood, but had no idea of what I was understanding!
Champ: Like I said, stupid fuck, you didn't do anything! You were supposed to rub me!
riff: I know.... I'm sorry I let you down old boy. But hey! It didn't take me long to figure it out.
Champ: Now that I remember! That was when we were in the hotel! In the bathroom! We'd been swimming all day and you had to take a shower before you all went out to eat! What day?
riff: Don't know. But it was August, 1975.
Champ: You sat on the toilet. You took a dump and leak and I said: "DUUUUUUUDE!!!!!" WHHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!! I AM HERE! I HAVE ARRIVED! and then you started rubbing my head. It was great! And I yelled out to ya: HEY RIFF! YA GOT ANYTHING SLIPPERY OUT THERE? Next thing I was in hog heaven.
riff: (laughing) And I was like, YEAH..... YEAH...... (big smile) When you shot off I freaked.
Champ: I had never dreamed I would be able to do that! PAEYOW!!! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
riff (laughing) Go Champ! Go!
Champ: PA-POW! Pa-POW! BOOM! BOOM! YEEEEOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!
(fireworks heard off stage)
riff (laughing, affectionately looking at Champ) It was like a religous rite! Heh! Your First Ejaculation. It's been a lot of fun hasn't it?
Champ: WHAT? Your fucking hand? Dude, you really are a fuckwit, aren't you? I WANT PUSSY! Fuck your hand. FEED ME PUSSY! TRIM, DUDE! TRIM!
riff (blowing-off Champ) Oh, go take a nap, you stupid dick.
riff (resumes at computer and laughs) HA! "Ladies, On the Topic of Ball Lapping and Rimjobs..." HA!
(from offstage)
Champ: Hey! I like the sound of that!
Ass (giggles) Yeah! Read that one!
END
