Pretty please, play with me.
- Thread starter WickedEve
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Lauren Hynde
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As far as going over and making it pretty, there's a couple of repeated words I'd like to see changed, if anyone can think of a way:
Trembling breasts softened at his touch (S1 L3)
Mumbling soft words about love and such... (S2 L3)
and
Mumbling soft words about love and such... (S2 L3)
To give him my love was insane. (S3 L4)
There's also a weird echo in the third stanza, but the image is too good for me to mess with:
In his embrace, where common sense dies,
I knew this parlay would bring pain.
But since our song of rain cries too much
To give him my love was insane.
Trembling breasts softened at his touch (S1 L3)
Mumbling soft words about love and such... (S2 L3)
and
Mumbling soft words about love and such... (S2 L3)
To give him my love was insane. (S3 L4)
There's also a weird echo in the third stanza, but the image is too good for me to mess with:
In his embrace, where common sense dies,
I knew this parlay would bring pain.
But since our song of rain cries too much
To give him my love was insane.
WickedEve
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Trembling breasts softened at his touch (S1 L3)
How about yielded to his touch? Or will that mess up the meter?
But since our song of rain cries too much
"rain" in this line bothered me, because of the way it sounded with "pain" and "insane."
How about yielded to his touch? Or will that mess up the meter?
But since our song of rain cries too much
"rain" in this line bothered me, because of the way it sounded with "pain" and "insane."
JUDO
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Lauren.Hynde said:
Suggs:
How about "deft - skillful in a quick, sure and easy way" for soft?
How about "of romance" for "about love?"
I couldn't find a good "fix" for pain, rain, insane...
I wanted to lose the "he did," so I've replace it with "he could."
The latest stanza had 7 syllables in it, rather than 8, so I substituted "had to" for "could" in the second line.
-------
In addition, I added couplet to sum up our heroine's lesson and a suggested title.
-------
So, the result would be:
Lovelies in the Rain
Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.
His twisted tongue told me only lies
For trumping the truth time and again.
Mumbling deft words of romance and such...
His soul rubbing against my grain.
In his embrace, where common sense dies,
I knew this parlay would bring pain.
But since our song of rain cries too much
To give him my love was insane.
His tender kiss would be my demise,
Still promised bliss it had to feign.
With no appeal, my heart he could clutch:
My reasoning proved to be vain.
When love is sought within true lies,
It's best to wait beneath gray skies.
Lauren Hynde
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I like what Judo did with he poem. This is really turning out great.
Originally posted by WickedEve
Would it help any to change insane to inane?
The echo would still be there, the problem is with "rain"... Would change "song of rain" to "rainy song" fix anything?
I'm cool with Rybka's changes too, even with reasoning->stuggling, if everyone thinks it makes sense (I don't mind either way, really)
As for the title, I do prefer "Lovelies in the Rain" but I'm ready to go with anything you decide...
Originally posted by WickedEve
Would it help any to change insane to inane?
The echo would still be there, the problem is with "rain"... Would change "song of rain" to "rainy song" fix anything?
I'm cool with Rybka's changes too, even with reasoning->stuggling, if everyone thinks it makes sense (I don't mind either way, really)
As for the title, I do prefer "Lovelies in the Rain" but I'm ready to go with anything you decide...
Lauren Hynde
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I agree. I hadn't thought of the love-lees effect... Love-Lies or LoveLies would probably work better.
JUDO
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Ha! My original title was "Love Lies in the Rain," but I got rid of it because it gave away too much. So, I noticed if I combined Love and lies that it had a very subtextural hint of lying.
And, "lovelies" might be a British slang for 'many beautiful women,' but I see it as any collection of love-able things. The dictionary sees it like this:
-having those qualities that inspire live, affection or admiration, specifically beautiful, morally or spiritually attractive, exquisite or highly enjoyable.
- Judo
And, "lovelies" might be a British slang for 'many beautiful women,' but I see it as any collection of love-able things. The dictionary sees it like this:
-having those qualities that inspire live, affection or admiration, specifically beautiful, morally or spiritually attractive, exquisite or highly enjoyable.
- Judo
Last edited:
Lauren Hynde
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Judo--
Just do as you see fit. I trust your judgement. Yes I forgot to take my medication today, why?
Are you going to submit it tonight?
Just do as you see fit. I trust your judgement. Yes I forgot to take my medication today, why?
Are you going to submit it tonight?
JUDO
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JUDO said:
I changed "For" to "While" and "deft" to "cheap" and "romance" to "passion." I left reasoning, I like it more than struggling.
And I left the title in its subtextual mode. Okay?
(I guess everyone thought the couplet was ok?)
With Rybka changes:
Lovelies in the Rain
Pearlescent rainbows danced through my eyes
As troubadours played in the rain...
Trembling breasts softened at his touch
Beneath a blue sky without gain.
His twisted tongue told me only lies
While trumping the truth time and again.
Mumbling cheap words of passion and such...
His soul rubbing against my grain.
In his embrace, where common sense dies,
I knew this parlay would bring pain.
But since our song of rain cries too much
To give him my love was insane.
His tender kiss would be my demise,
Still promised bliss it had to feign.
With no appeal, my heart he could clutch:
My reasoning proved to be vain.
When love is sought within true lies,
It's best to wait beneath gray skies.
Lauren Hynde
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For some reason, the title that has been posted is Love Lies in the Rain. What happened. Did you change your mind or did someone change it for you?
I've taken the liberty of submitting two edits for both poems we did here. In "Love Lies in the Rain" I added the names of the 4 of us: JUDO, Rybka, WickedEve, Lauren.Hynde. In "For the Love of Luna's Light" I turned each author's name into a link to their page. Hope everyone's cool with it.
By the way, the vote count for Love Lies in the Rain stands thus
score: 4.75
votes: 4
Have you voted yet???
I've taken the liberty of submitting two edits for both poems we did here. In "Love Lies in the Rain" I added the names of the 4 of us: JUDO, Rybka, WickedEve, Lauren.Hynde. In "For the Love of Luna's Light" I turned each author's name into a link to their page. Hope everyone's cool with it.
By the way, the vote count for Love Lies in the Rain stands thus
score: 4.75
votes: 4
Have you voted yet???
Lauren Hynde
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Hello? Any of The Poets still alive?
Lauren Hynde
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Phew!
I thought you had all given up! I'm going to wait until tomorrow night or Sunday morning to start the next one. I need to finish a blue poem until the 15th and I'm going to try doing it tonight. In the mean time, we should all try to get "Love Lies in the Rain" into the top list, don't you think? It deserves more than 4 votes.
I thought you had all given up! I'm going to wait until tomorrow night or Sunday morning to start the next one. I need to finish a blue poem until the 15th and I'm going to try doing it tonight. In the mean time, we should all try to get "Love Lies in the Rain" into the top list, don't you think? It deserves more than 4 votes.
Lauren Hynde
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Let's play again! How about a little form now?
I'm thinking sonnet.
Classical form, because it has 4+4+3+3 verses, meaning all the stanzas are fairly similar in size.
Iambic pentameter.
Ideally, ABBA ABBA rhyme scheme for the first two stanzas. The latter two stanzas can be writer's choice: CDE CDE, CCD EED, CDC DCD...
Let me get it started:
If you were to come meet me in the eve,
At dusk, that hour of magical hushed fear
When moonlit fragrance softly draws so near,
To kiss, embrace me tight, and never leave
I'm thinking sonnet.
Classical form, because it has 4+4+3+3 verses, meaning all the stanzas are fairly similar in size.
Iambic pentameter.
Ideally, ABBA ABBA rhyme scheme for the first two stanzas. The latter two stanzas can be writer's choice: CDE CDE, CCD EED, CDC DCD...
Let me get it started:
If you were to come meet me in the eve,
At dusk, that hour of magical hushed fear
When moonlit fragrance softly draws so near,
To kiss, embrace me tight, and never leave
Last edited:
Lauren Hynde
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Oh, come on Eve... It doesn't hurt! Just a little stanza? Pretend it's not a sonnet.
Otherwise I'll think you don't want to play with me...
Otherwise I'll think you don't want to play with me...
Lauren Hynde
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Pretty please?
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