Humor Thread

Post #260 “most comments” thread. Now this is more like it!

DG Hear said:

A Letter to God!

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA,
they decided to send it to President Obama. Obama was so amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. He thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was
delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to
God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those
assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

Click to expand...

I love this one, DG.

Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, decided to slip down to Earth for a quick shag.

He picked up a girl in a bar and went back to her place. Blessed with unrivalled stamina, he then subjected her to a three-day non-stop sex session, at the end of which she was utterly exhausted.

After saying his farewells, he felt guilty that he might have injured her in some way, so he went back to apologize and explain why he had been able to keep going for so long.

He said: "I'm sorry, I'm Thor."

The girl yelled: "Oh, you're thor, are you? Well, tho am I. In fact, I can't even pith!"

Handley_Page said:

Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, decided to slip down to Earth for a quick shag.

He picked up a girl in a bar and went back to her place. Blessed with unrivalled stamina, he then subjected her to a three-day non-stop sex session, at the end of which she was utterly exhausted.

After saying his farewells, he felt guilty that he might have injured her in some way, so he went back to apologize and explain why he had been able to keep going for so long.

He said: "I'm sorry, I'm Thor."

The girl yelled: "Oh, you're thor, are you? Well, tho am I. In fact, I can't even pith!"

Click to expand...

I finally got it, HP.

The Stream

A motorist was driving down a rural dirt road when he came upon a stream. He called out to a man walking by, "Do you think I can drive my car through the stream?"

"I suppose you can," said the man.

So the driver started across, but within seconds, his car sank, and he barely escaped with his life.

"You lied to me!" the driver screamed at the passerby. "That stream is at least ten feet deep!"

"That's funny. It only reaches up to the middle of the ducks."

more dumb jokes

Water Colors

Tourists say some odd things when they charter my boat in Key West. "How many sunset sails do you have at night?" asked one. Another wondered, "Does the water go around the island?"

But the most interesting came when I asked a customer why she'd brought along a dozen empty jars. She answered, "I want to take home a sample of each color of water that we'll be going in."

Court of Less Appeal

Justice isn't just blind—it's snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes:

Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn't that enough?

Q: Isn't it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can't prove it!

Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.

Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.

Purportedly taken from an actual court transcript:

Attorney: "Was the victim dead when you performed the autopsy?"

Coroner: "Yes. They usually are."

Attorney: "How can you be sure the victim was dead?"

Coroner: "I removed his heart and his brain."

Attorney: "Could a person live without a heart and a brain?"

Corner: "I suppose they could be practicing law somewhere."

Q: Isn't it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: No, shes much to heavy to lift, let alone run around with!

Handley_Page said:

Voted the best joke (on the Fringe)

"I was asked to have a password with eight characters.
I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

Click to expand...

....

More dumb Jokes

The day after the Haitian earthquake, I got a frantic call from my daughter in Florida. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nate's been called up by the National Guard. He's going to Haiti," she said. Then came the tears: "I didn't even know we were at war with Haiti!"



One Last Look

When a body was brought to her funeral home, my friend contacted the next of kin. Per previous instructions, the deceased would be cremated, she told him, so he needed to come in to identify the body.

Considering the task at hand, the relative asked, "Does this need to be done before or after the cremation?"

Handley_Page said:

Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, decided to slip down to Earth for a quick shag.

He picked up a girl in a bar and went back to her place. Blessed with unrivalled stamina, he then subjected her to a three-day non-stop sex session, at the end of which she was utterly exhausted.

After saying his farewells, he felt guilty that he might have injured her in some way, so he went back to apologize and explain why he had been able to keep going for so long.

He said: "I'm sorry, I'm Thor."

The girl yelled: "Oh, you're thor, are you? Well, tho am I. In fact, I can't even pith!"

Click to expand...

Jokes have different versions. My favourite version of this one is:


In Asgard, the Norse gods held a party (we'd call it an orgy). The morning after found Thor triumphantly stamping around, calling out, "I'm Thor! I'm Thor!"

One of the minor deities (who had a lisp), holding his head after too much booze, turned to Thor and commented, "You think you're thore, I'm tho thore that I can't even pith!"

Sorry, duplicate click...

The Good the Bad & the Ugly:


Said the main man:- "I discovered three things about my kids today, one good, one bad and one ugly"

"Really?" said his pal.

"The good: My children do not fight;
the Bad: They are sexually active;
the Ugly: it's with each other."

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

++++

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary ...

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.......

Good stuff HP, my friend.

Thank you for taking the time to post on the Humor Thread.
With respect
DG

Handley_Page said:

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

++++

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary ...

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.......

Click to expand...

I love it, HP.

Doctor's Orders..................................

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach..

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

After finishing his meal, my grandfather, a retired Marine captain, asked the waitress for the 15 percent discount the restaurant offered veterans.

"Do you need to see my military ID?" he asked.

"That's all right," she said. "I know you were in the military. I can tell by your T-shirt."

Grandpa's shirt read "Welcome to Gettysburg National Military Park."

****

Medical transcription requires a keen ear for technical jargon. But one applicant insisted she was singularly qualified for the position. After all, she wrote in her cover letter, "both of my sisters are nurses, and I watch the cable shows Dr. G: Medical Examiner and Trauma: Life in the E.R."

Top 20 OxyMorons

20. Government Organization

19. Alone Together

18. Personal Computer

17. Silent Scream

16. Living Dead

15. Small Crowd

14. Taped Live

13. Plastic Glasses

12. Tight Slacks

11. Peace Force

10. Pretty Ugly

9. Head But

t8. Working Vacation

7. Tax Return

6. Virtual Reality

5. Dodge Ram

4. Work Party

3. Hard Water

2. Healthy Tan

1. Microsoft Works

Another Oxymoron

And a few British ones:

Military Intelligence

Ministry of Defence (replaced the War Office)

Catering Corps (I don't know what landed in my mess tin, but there wasn't much 'catering' in evidence - much more eating like this and I'll be glad to be a corpse!)

Q. What do you do when you see a spaceman?

A. Park your car in it, man.

A Royal Marine and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The Admiral shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!'

The Marine turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Shower Talk

One of our hotel guests complained to me about a spraying showerhead: "I can't get in the shower without getting wet!"