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Old 06-03-2019, 07:44 AM   #1
cookiecat
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off topic - Expectations

Was having a conversation with a friend about expectations. Just in general - expectations about people in your life, about what you order at a restaurant, service you receive at a store - whatever.

She says she sets her expectations very high. And why shouldn't she? The rules she sets out for herself - be on time, don't talk over people, be nice - are rules she applies to the people in her life. She has high expectations when it pertains to all things service related. If she's paying for something, she has a certain level of expectation how things will turn out.

I am the opposite. Some might say it's setting the bar too low. I call it not setting myself up for disappointment. This isn't to say I let myself be steamrolled by poor service, by thoughtless friends, etc.

The thing I see with my friend is she's constantly let down by virtually everything and everyone. She seems at odds with co-workers, has lost several friends over perceived slights. She is upset over this consternation in her life.

Where does you fall when it comes to expectations? On the too high side, the just right side or the low/no side? Why?
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:47 AM   #2
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I think it's helpful to divorce the standard you set for yourself from the standard that you expect the rest of the world to follow.
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Old 06-03-2019, 08:42 AM   #3
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I love my friends because of their quirks, not in spite of them. Or at least, I try to.
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Old 06-03-2019, 11:43 AM   #4
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I generally set standards for different individuals based on the individual themself and the situation. I don’t find having a single set high or low is particularly helpful. Some folks are more capable of things than others, some need to improve themselves and requiring more of them can be the catalyst that helps them do so. Others may get too nervous knowing so much is expected of them and have the anxiety cause them to fail.

Tailor it.
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Old 06-03-2019, 05:17 PM   #5
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I love this question.

I think, generally, I always set the bar low at first because I hate disappointment.
Exceptions -
*When I expect people to act how I would act in a situation or be as thoughtful in a situation, which is also a set up for disappointment.
*When someone has proven that the bar can be maintained at a higher level, then there's no downgrading after that.
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:11 PM   #6
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A pessimist is seldom wrong but rarely pleased; an optimist is seldom right, but generally happy.

At bottom, it’s one’s philosophy of living. Setting oneself high standards has nothing to do with other people’s behaviour.
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:18 PM   #7
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You get what you expect and what you set yourself up for...
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Old 06-03-2019, 07:48 PM   #8
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I'm one of those people that are constantly disappointed because I expect certain things out of people and they don't comply.

I constantly have to tell myself that other people do not live by my timetable.
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Old 06-03-2019, 09:03 PM   #9
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My mother lived her life with an approach like yours, Cookie, and she was a happy woman for all of her 88 years. My father held the whole world to very high standards and while he was also generally happy, I think he was secretly disappointed by most of the world. Having studied carefully for years under both of these teachers, I live a mixed bag. I think I have high expectations but am also quite merciful when they’re not met.
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Old 06-03-2019, 09:11 PM   #10
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definitely the high expectation standards for me. Especially timeliness.. I have managed to bite my tongue when it pertains to friends though. There is a couple we hang out with a lot who are never on time for anything. It really irritated me at first but I have learned to work around it . I can't control everyone...
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Old 06-03-2019, 10:17 PM   #11
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My expectations are way too high, which is why I’m miserable.
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Old 06-04-2019, 12:47 AM   #12
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sissy believes that each person is different an the expectation of all others is that they will not be the same. sissy tries very hard to treat all with respect and maintain manners.
sissy tries very hard to be honest and straight forward with others, there are those times when a little misunderstanding is allowed.
"If you expect nothing you will not be disappointed" someone said that once and it is very true.
sissy has traveled and found all that expect the same as home are very disappointed but those that expect all to be different are very pleased.
As many would say "sissy expectations" are 3 out of 5.
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Old 06-04-2019, 01:09 AM   #13
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my standards are very low in my opinion.

don't lie to me, don't cheat on me. Somehow those standards are beyond reach of just about everyone I meet
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Old 06-04-2019, 02:41 AM   #14
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Depends on who that person is. For someone I am paying, such as a Dr., lawyer, hair dresser, etc. I have high expectations. Same goes for a store clerk or waiter.

I also have high expectations for a dance partner, coworker. or SO. But in a different way. I don't need them to be perfect but I do expect them to at least be able to talk things through and come to some sort of agreement when we butt heads.

For friends or the population in general, I have no expectations. I take them as they are. We either get along or we don't. If we don't, we can go our separate ways. The same would apply to relatives. I say this because most (but not all) of my relatives are out for themselves and I have learned not to depend on them for anything. Once in a while they will pull through for me. If so, great! I just know how they are.

I will add one other thing. Self Love! Do not depend on others to bring you happiness. If that's what you do, you will usually be disappointed. Love yourself and you'll always be happy. I say this only because it sounds like some people get upset/sad when their expectations aren't met.
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Old 06-04-2019, 03:36 AM   #15
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Old 06-04-2019, 11:15 PM   #16
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Quote:
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Old 06-04-2019, 11:16 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysFara View Post
My expectations are way too high, which is why I’m miserable.


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Old 06-04-2019, 11:18 PM   #18
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Thanks, everyone for playing along. Gives me some food for thought.

(my brain is on the fritz - I can't seem to reply much more at the moment)
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Old 06-05-2019, 04:27 AM   #19
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This question makes me ask myself; What is the root of expectations? The first answer that comes to me is; Judgement. Judgement is watching someone or something with preconceived criteria of my standards of acceptability...my tendency to judge uses habitual and proudly set expectations as guide posts to evaluate if my criteria are met.

Expectations, assumptions, presumptions, conjectures, predictions, hopes. These synonyms all speak to my own preconceived notions of the proper behavior, speech, lifestyle, etc. in respect to people.

But not all expectations/judgements are vain, are they? Many systems of philosophy/religion say that desire is the seed of pain. I suppose expectations and desire are very close relations. Thus, expectations also become a seed of pain, regardless of their level of righteousness.

If this is true, then; High expectations will lead to more pain of disappointment. But this is an age old problem, the teachings of curbing desire have been with us for a very long time. In the end, it is folly for me to desire that a person will live their life in the way I expect them to...yet still I repeat this folly on a daily basis. Did I mention the part about this being an age old problem we humans face

The only hope of a cure for this judgment is to be disappointed so many times that the pain becomes not worth it any longer. The pain of disappointment works like a shock collar to remind me of safe boundaries for my judgment. Less judgment leads to less pain/disappointment which leads to more inner peace...which leads to more joy.

Disclaimer: No, I'm not stoned...this is just me thinking too late into the night and now I'm going to bed.
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Old 06-05-2019, 07:16 AM   #20
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Also, I really wish English used different words for "what I think somebody is likely to do" and "what I think somebody should do" instead of using "expectation" for both.
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Old 06-05-2019, 09:46 PM   #21
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Old 06-05-2019, 09:51 PM   #22
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Puck!!!!!!
gracie!!!!!!
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Old 06-05-2019, 10:11 PM   #23
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gracie!!!!!!
Fara!!!!!
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Old 06-06-2019, 07:12 AM   #24
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Fara!!!!!
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Old 06-06-2019, 07:57 AM   #25
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