Critique please

Gave it a quick glance right now. Have to process it a bit before I reply. One thing for sure, you have a penchant for Drama, which I immensely like in a story.
 
Slow opening, slightly painful opening 3 paragraphs, but otherwise a very good story.
 
Here's a story I wrote last year whose style I'm trying to recreate in my upcoming effort. Let me know what you think. Anything from scathing criticism to lavish praise will be gratefully accepted.

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-day-the-music-died-1

I look forward to your opinions. Cheers!

* Your Introduction Message is an anticlimax. It's not that big and bad, but it is close to being a "Oh hey, before you read this story you probably do something else which is not reading this story". As a personal preference I think these notes should come after the story.

* Dull opening. Swap the 1st paragraph (it's a sunrise scene, yay?) and the 2nd paragraph (sudden character introduction - she's a promiscuous lesbian).

* I was getting some "Mary-sue" vibes throughout your story. I don't care about the Effortlessly Successful, I want to see characters struggling. Their success or failure is irrelevant to how much I like a character.

* From above - I didn't like the characters. I'm not entirely sure why I don't, maybe I am/was tired&grumpy, the opening didn't grab me or whatever it was. ' "oh hey, I was abused once. you should like me." said Fiona.' Ummm, no thanks. [the character didn't say that, it's poor paraphrasing/parody] FWIW I didn't vote :)

* SEVERAL JOINTS LATER

* "Their drug-addled minds were immune to shock." - I don't like this sentence for stylistic reasons. You keep a close focus on your characters most of the time, then you use distant 3rd person narration like above and it feels jarring. Hard to explain this point, and you should debate me on this, but it is what I feel.
 
Gave it a quick glance right now. Have to process it a bit before I reply. One thing for sure, you have a penchant for Drama, which I immensely like in a story.

Thanks. I look forward to what you gave to say.


Slow opening, slightly painful opening 3 paragraphs, but otherwise a very good story.

Yeah, I need to work on the hook but what did you think of the pace after that?

* Your Introduction Message is an anticlimax. It's not that big and bad, but it is close to being a "Oh hey, before you read this story you probably do something else which is not reading this story". As a personal preference I think these notes should come after the story.

* Dull opening. Swap the 1st paragraph (it's a sunrise scene, yay?) and the 2nd paragraph (sudden character introduction - she's a promiscuous lesbian).

* I was getting some "Mary-sue" vibes throughout your story. I don't care about the Effortlessly Successful, I want to see characters struggling. Their success or failure is irrelevant to how much I like a character.

* From above - I didn't like the characters. I'm not entirely sure why I don't, maybe I am/was tired&grumpy, the opening didn't grab me or whatever it was. ' "oh hey, I was abused once. you should like me." said Fiona.' Ummm, no thanks. [the character didn't say that, it's poor paraphrasing/parody] FWIW I didn't vote :)

* SEVERAL JOINTS LATER

* "Their drug-addled minds were immune to shock." - I don't like this sentence for stylistic reasons. You keep a close focus on your characters most of the time, then you use distant 3rd person narration like above and it feels jarring. Hard to explain this point, and you should debate me on this, but it is what I feel.

In hindsight, the switch in person could have been avoided. Was on of the reasons you didnt empathise with Fiona her backstory, or something she did in the present? What did you make of Heather?
 
Alright, so here's my thought for your story - My Personal Opinion/ $0.02 that you're free to discard wherever necessary:

The first thing I notice is this:


What is with this category that I keep returning to it? From no lesbian stories in my repertoire at the beginning of the year to this being my third. I guess I can safely say it's because of you readers and the great feedback you give me. I hope you like this offering as well.

This story features the character of Heather from my "How To Catch a Falling Star" story, though you don't need to have read that to understand this storyline.

The first half of this story is not entirely fictional. It is a sad truth, one that happens quite often.

If I'm a brand nOOb in the Lesbian Category, I wouldn't know you as an Author for sure. Although I have read your other stories, many others haven't and this sort of personal interaction might influence me to stay clear of your story.

My advice would be to lose everything except the word in bold.

C'mon, people are here to read a story and maybe even (most probably) get off on this thing. That note is nothing but distraction. Leave that thingy with the Thanks to Naoko and your editors. That's cool.

You've added a quote from C.S. Lewis in your story

"If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair."

IMO, this does nothing for me. Neither does this complex sentence set a tone, nor does it tell me anything about your story. It's vague, at best.

I've not even started your story and I've pelted out so much shit...:rolleyes:



On to the beginning of your story:

Surprisingly, I liked it. That may be due to the fact that I've read other stories involving Heather and I know what might follow, so I won't agree with other posters talking about a boring start. It was awwwright, IMO.

That said, your story picks a good pace from the next scene, starting from the Law Firm. I liked that.

Like I said before, I like a good Drama. Erotica is secondary in my eyes as compared to the plot. If you have a good plot, you have me hooked.

Your narration is unique. It's good, in fact, but the way you use the 3rd person is sort of distancing me from your characters.

I've read Edge of Reason, and have a familiar background knowledge about Heather - her tastes, her thoughts, her cynicism, etc. so I'm not confused, or didn't feel distant when you narrated your story. But for a first timer, it might be a bit of pain to understand Heather in 4 pages.

You've created a very complex character in Heather, and I don't think someone can bond with her in 4 Lit Pages and still understand her actions. It should be better if you tell/warn readers about the previous and earlier chapters that involve her.

All in all, I liked the story for what you were trying to convey and the harsh reality of the world she lives in. No sappy and happy endings, which I'm a fan of these days.
 
LaRascasse said:
Was on of the reasons you didnt empathise with Fiona her backstory, or something she did in the present? What did you make of Heather?
It's not the backstory and it is all of the characters, particularly your lead character. Probably because I didn't get a good feel for them or they seem like they are lacking in motives & independent agency.
 
I've read Edge of Reason, and have a familiar background knowledge about Heather - her tastes, her thoughts, her cynicism, etc. so I'm not confused, or didn't feel distant when you narrated your story. But for a first timer, it might be a bit of pain to understand Heather in 4 pages.

You've created a very complex character in Heather, and I don't think someone can bond with her in 4 Lit Pages and still understand her actions. It should be better if you tell/warn readers about the previous and earlier chapters that involve her.

So does the story work as a standalone piece? or as Ch.02 of a larger story?

My idea is to have standalone pieces revolving around the same character, but a common thread which a reader who has gone through the other stories can discern. For instance, here I mentioned a bit of the previous story when Fiona recognized Heather from the newspaper. Enough to make the new reader wonder, but not enough for them to compulsorily read the other part.

Did that work?
 
So does the story work as a standalone piece? or as Ch.02 of a larger story?

My idea is to have standalone pieces revolving around the same character, but a common thread which a reader who has gone through the other stories can discern. For instance, here I mentioned a bit of the previous story when Fiona recognized Heather from the newspaper. Enough to make the new reader wonder, but not enough for them to compulsorily read the other part.

Did that work?


Sort of. It could work as a standalone story, but not as much as you'd like it to be. Let's say 80% successful.

It was a good piece, but I would say that readers would feel more engaged if they knew more about Heather from previous stories.
 
It's not the backstory and it is all of the characters, particularly your lead character. Probably because I didn't get a good feel for them or they seem like they are lacking in motives & independent agency.

I tried to go for a morally conflicted/ambiguous feel where someone knows what they're doing is wrong but does it anyway because they can't help it. Heather is essentially my experiment with self-loathing (in several stories).
 
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