More Humour

A man was driving down the road when a rabbit ran out in front of him.
He heard a loud bang. he stopped the car, got out and inspected the damage and found a large dent in his bumper and the creature dead by the side of the road.

A few moments later a woman pulled up in a car. she got out and had a look at what was going on. she proceded to rumage through her bag. she pulled out a can and sprayed the creature with it. after a few moments it got up and hopped away.

The man watched on.
it hopped a few metres then turned round and waved. then hopped a few metres and turned round and waved. the man asked the woman what she had sprayed it with. she handed him the can. the can read.... Hair spray... restores dead hair to life, and installs permanent wave.

A Flat Earther was being interviewed and had this to say:

"The concept of a flat earth is gaining ground day by day. In fact, we have believers all over the globe."

jehoram, your flat earth story reminds me of the islamic cleric who's certain of it, because there are references in the Koran.
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True story, I was happy.
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:
"Always keep your condoms in your car."

whats the difference between a genealogist and gynocologist


a genealogist looks up the family tree
a gynaecologist looks up the family bush

An Airline pilot settles back into his seat after an exciting landing, and gives the usual talk to the passengers, he mistakenly leaves the Intercom on and tells the Co-Pilot "I'm gonna have my Coffee and then get a B**w Job from that Blonde Stewardess"

Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error. She was stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her .. "Slow down love he hasn’t finished his coffee yet"

For the English:-

Physicians were unable to reach a consensus: Should Brexit take place?
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands off the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in parliament.

microboy2014 said:

whats the difference between a genealogist and gynocologist


a genealogist looks up the family tree
a gynaecologist looks up the family bush

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Q: What's the difference between poetry and songwriting?
A: Royalties.

An the difference between married and single is the level of stress - those damn in-lawsKant

Kantarii said:

An the difference between married and single is the level of stress - those damn in-lawsKant

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Reminds me of this:- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KodloQ414vw

7 Reasons Not To Match Wits With Children!!

(1.) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

(2.) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

(3.) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


(4.) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

(5.) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there's the teacher, she's dead”

(6.) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR:

(7.) T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'

Good to see this thread is back!

As for #3, it reminds me of a teacher who saw a kid draw a picture of a Christmas Nativity scene. There were Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and a big fat guy. The teacher asked, "Who's the other man? Is that Santa Claus?" "No," said the kid. "That's Round John Virgin."

I was going to start up this thread again with this quip. I think it was George Carlin who said, "If God hadn't wanted us to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter."

jehoram said:

I was going to start up this thread again with this quip. I think it was George Carlin who said, "If God hadn't wanted us to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter."

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Like a T-rexKant

jehoram said:

A Flat Earther was being interviewed and had this to say:

"The concept of a flat earth is gaining ground day by day. In fact, we have believers all over the globe."

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You know, if the Earth really was flat, then the square wheel would be on every new car.

Kantarii said:

You know, if the Earth really was flat, then the square wheel would be on every new car.

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Check the spare tire. BTW the US state of Kansas really is flatter than a pancake, thus providing cover for flat-Earthers, flat-taxers, and flat-liners. Just ignore bothersome tornadoes.

Columbus set sail in 1492 with four ships, not three. The Santa Cruz sailed off the edge. That's probably not linked to the Flying Dutchman, but who knows?

Oh wait, I'm supposed to be humorous. I like clipping proverbs. Like these:

Familiarity breeds.
Cleanliness is next.
Beauty is only skin.
A penny saved is a penny.
No news is good.
A bad excuse is better.
Brevity is.
Make a long story.
All is well that ends.
Great minds think.
Necessity is a mother.
My country, right.

I don't know about the northern part of Kansas but the part along I-40 was NOT flat. I was expecting flat, I got roller coaster. I was very surprised. There was a fence along the roadside and every time I reached the top of a hill there was a crow sitting on the fence. Now eastern Colorado was flat. You could see a silo in the distance and it took an hour or more to get to it.

sharingfantasies said:

I don't know about the northern part of Kansas but the part along I-40 was NOT flat.

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The Flint Hills would barely be speed bumps in California. And if a pancake is scaled up to state size, Kansas is flatter. Is that cheating?

Wait, more humor.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Kansas?
A: They couldn't find a virgin and three wise men.

[rimshot]

Hypoxia said:

The Flint Hills would barely be speed bumps in California. And if a pancake is scaled up to state size, Kansas is flatter. Is that cheating?

Wait, more humor.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Kansas?
A: They couldn't find a virgin and three wise men.

[rimshot]

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Nah; that's not Kansas, it's Essex

Love this little one-liner:

"My uncle used to be the world's greatest Russian roulette player."

BuckyDuckman said:

Love this little one-liner:

"My uncle used to be the world's greatest Russian roulette player."

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He had his Beatles moment then, right, kinda like going electric. He must’ve switched from a revolver to automatic - which is fine until you chamber a round.

sharingfantasies said:

I don't know about the northern part of Kansas but the part along I-40 was NOT flat...

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That could have been because I-40 doesn't go through Kansas...

CarlusMagnus said:

That could have been because I-40 doesn't go through Kansas...

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That would be I-70.

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down."
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pi$$ed off."

Okay, so if a funeral, an ambulance, and a school bus meet on the road, who has the right of way? Is it the dead, the dying, or those still alive?
Kant

Kantarii said:

Okay, so if a funeral, an ambulance, and a school bus meet on the road, who has the right of way? Is it the dead, the dying, or those still alive?
Kant

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In early days of autos there was a law (in Kansas, I think) that if vehicles meet at an intersection, all shall stop and none shall move until the others have. As for your question, I refer to the rules in Mexico City: The larger vehicle has right-of-way, and anything on less than four wheels doesn't count.
That open Olds had tiller steering. And horses had right-of-way then. Pigs, too. I guess human pigs still assert right-of-way. Especially those in big pickups/utes.