How to ..... Forget?

Oh the person I am referring set out to destroy lives and it went on for over 20 years - is that enough?

I have no respect for the person - never will. There will be no forgiveness and I know I will never forget.

I do however own my own emotions - I allowed that person a good shot at controlling those - but one day the realisation hit in a flash - I actually own my emotions so therefore I can be in charge of them. The person will still be one of the most evil I have met - that I can't forget.

In that instant they became powerless - they continued to try but I made the choice not to be angry and upset anymore and in doing so I removed the target.

Your memories may well be terrible - but how you react to them is in your control. Your demon now is not the memories but your on going reaction to those thoughts.

Think about it.

So, here's what kind of works for me. It's not about flat out forgetting, but more about dealing with things I'd rather forget.

1) I identify the [negative memory] that I'd rather forget. I look it square in the eye, so to speak. No hiding, look at it for what it is, one last time.

2) I forgive myself for [negative memory].

3) Once forgiven, I decide that [negative memory] is now allowed to stay in the past permanently, and I don't have to deal with it anymore.

4) I keep a mental list of distracting "happy thoughts" (escapist fantasies, happy memories of friendships or achievements). Whenever [negative memory] popps up - and they do, frequently - I tell myself that I have permission to not deal with this, and distract myself with "happy thoughts".

No idea if this approach is "healthy", but it mostly works for me. Hope some of this was helpful? Wish you all the best.

If I couldn't detach myself from or forget things that I've done to others(which made me feel guilty or ashamed) or that were done to me (in which case the person who "wronged" me made me feel angry)I worked on trying to distance myself emotionally from the persons involved.
Either by forgiving myself (we're all human so it's in our own nature to do good as well as bad things ) or by trying to decrease the power that the person who I felt wronged me had on me (through villifying or derriding them in my mind)
Not saying that these strategies worked all the time for me, tho... *shrugs*. But once that emotional tie loosens a bit, one automatically starts 'forgetting' the unpleasant events.

As for the couple of unpleasant things that life threw at me and there was no one to blame: If people reminded me (either directly or through their mere presence) of the unpleasant event: I just moved cities or I unscrupulously chucked those people out of my life.

I'm also lucky to have excellent social support, as in caring and nonjudgmental sibling and cousins, who accept me for who I am so I can talk about even the least pleasant or flattering things with them.

In a nutshell: most of my strategies involved some sort of interpersonal dynamic, maybe because I'm a woman or because I was raised that way.

Reading the posts here reminds me that many LIT posters are dolts at best.

When you explore the real science of memory you discover memory is a myth and an illusion. All there is, is recognition, and you cant recognize what you cant sense.

That said, its possible to forget all kinds of things. You don't really forget things, you simply block your conscious awareness of the recognition.

Think I'm fulla NightL? Hold your nose and you cant taste. Cover your eyes and you have no idea what you might see.. Cover your ears, ditto. Memory is only recognition.

Put Vaseline on your glasses and you wont know if youre looking at Venue or FIREBREEZE.

I became blind back in 2011. But I know my way around the swamp behind my house, and went fishing most days. Then one day two of my grandkids came for a visit and went fishing with me. When we got to my fishing hole my grand daugfhter was alarmed because the spot was fulla snakes. I had no idea. I couldn't see them.

Get some rose tinted glasses.

phobia cure

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ML7QbWCGiM

One never "forgets", which is why when one experiences hardship or personal failures, they are more likely to ruminate on the 'bad' things from the past.

But neither the OP, nor the other posters referred to "forgetting" in the literary sense. It's just a nicer way of putting it, instead of asking: "How can you suppress feelings, and how can you block certain thoughts from intruding upon your conscioussness?" and all sorts of pretentious counselling-type talk.

You could look at it like this: all we experience make us who we are. This includes the good and bad, it is not so much what you experience as it is what you do with it. Life will always through good and bad at you but if you dwell only on the bad it will eat at you, but if you take the bad and understand that it is bad you can utilize that knowledge to turn the bad into good use and by doing so it will no longer really seem bad.

NightL said:

Acceptance and being an arrogant arsehole perhaps works for you sitting alone at night writing to a "porn board"... if that is what you accept and expect of your existence, well good luck with that and all. Hope you and your misery coincide with acceptance well into the future.

For those who choose or have the ability to think beyond having their head jammed up their own arse they probably would use you as a reference point of what to avoid.

Enough attention for you?

________________________________________________

Moving on - jaF0

I saw the following video today and thought of this thread
"Can we change the past? Hint: yes, by changing our 'cognitive framing'."
https://www.facebook.com/jasonlsilva/videos/1722497898014488/

For my own experience of feeling swamped and overwhelmed by life events it was to take ownership of my emotions. The person (highly unpleasant personality) and events which unfolded over many years were not responsible for making or inflicting anger, sadness and a whole host of other emotions I was feeling. Those emotions were how I chose to react to the situations. Someone does not make you angry, sad or even jealous - we gift those emotions onto ourselves.

When we believe our emotions are in the ownership of someone else, it is very easy to feel powerless to make change. Those of weak and insignificant character may even think "well this is life, I just have to accept it". I choose, however, for life not to be so dreary. Of course you can't change life events but you can change how you react to them. Acceptance is not reaction, acceptance is pitiful in it's nothingness.

For instance, if you felt hurt by a dribble response then you have handed power over to the meaningless. If they recognise that they will feel their meaningless has existence and will attempt to do it again and you may gift yourself more hurt. Another response, however, is the meaningless deserves no emotion (though I have been having fun - and I chose those emotions).

So - you don't forget at all, you certainly don't be pitiful and just accept, you just take ownership of your emotions and choose another path. When you realise you are the sole person responsible for your emotions, it can honestly be as simple as "No, I am not going to be sad any more". That can be life changing - in an instant.

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What a condensending piece of shit. You criticize me....then write the same thing i said in different words. What a fucking joke.

My mind is a minefield.

A terrible place.


Every day in my head is 'Cruel and unusual punishment'.

The Pit and The Pendulum

But with multiple pendulums.

Flailing maces above and snakes and alligators below.

Even if you avoid the pendulums, you can't go up or down.

You just wait to see which one strikes next.

And there is a level of immortality, so it just repeats and repeats, over and over and over and over......

The same way you deal with radiation. Time, distance, and (emotional) shielding. The process of moving on from the things we wish to forget is different for all of us, but it's an essential part of life. There is no forgetting. I've been to hell and back in my life, and mine wasn't but a moment that I carry with me every day. It's changed so much of me, parts that I'm not always aware of.

Living life has lessened the pain, and given it some perspectove, but the wounds still run deep.

My memories SUCK.

The weirdest shit pops into my head from looonnnggg ago for no reason at all.

I hate it all to hell and back. (A place where I've had a standing reservation since birth.)

jaF0 said:

My memories SUCK.

The weirdest shit pops into my head from looonnnggg ago for no reason at all.

I hate it all to hell and back. (A place where I've had a standing reservation since birth.)

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If you need someone to talk to...I'm available. PM me your email address and I'll send you my phone number.

Bad memories.

I friggin hate'em.

There is such a thing as repressed memories. They're not healthy and you can't do this on purpose. It happens sometimes when something is so horrible that the mind blocks it out. The problem is that something will keep nagging at you and you don't know what it is. And maybe you'll need therapy to recover the memories and sort them all out.

There are two paths you can take. Actually, I would advise taking the first path and then the second one if you need to.

The first one is to face things head on and make peace. I don't really know what your issues are, and perhaps you can't do this with places but you can do it with people. For each person you want to forget, contact them if you're able to. This might be hard for you to do. If you can't contact them in person, you could try snail mail or just writing out what you might say to them without sending it.

What you have to do is to try to make something positive about the situation or person. Again, I don't know your issues so this might not be possible.

I will give an example from my own life. Ex BF left me for another woman. Although I wasn't truly happy about because he was fun to be around and the sex was out of this world, I was also okay with it. Why? For one thing, I believe in unconditional love and want the people that I love to be happy, even if that means being with someone else. For another, we had not made any sort of commitment to each other.

Now while I was actually okay with this, he clearly was not and began acting the fool when we were at the same club at the same time on Valentine's day.


I approached him and asked him to come outside. I had him sit down and then began to tell him just off the cuff, things that I liked about him. I didn't specifically mention the sex. I said things like how I was glad that he had been a part of my life and how I'd learned a lot of things from him and that I wished him well. Then I gave him a hug and told him to go back inside.

He was flabbergasted! Said he thought I was going to punch him or something.

We did actually cross paths one more time. We both showed up at the same fireworks display. He was with yet another woman. He saw me and ran. Hehehe.

Now maybe your situation is different and this won't work for you.

Maybe the person really did something to harm you. Maybe you are fearful to contact them or maybe you don't know where they are. In this case, write something down in terms of forgiveness and then burn it or throw it away or in some way get rid of it.

Another example from my life. A manager where I used to work tried to make unwanted sexual advances towards me by pinning me against the wall as I tried to get a mop bucket on wheels to clean up a spill. I'd already heard stories from other females who he had done similar to but they did nothing about it. I did. When he asked me what I was doing in the janitor's room I said, "Trying to get a mop bucket!" And as I did so, I rammed him as hard in the shins as I possibly could. I'm sure I did some damage to him. I didn't care. I then went spouting my mouth off to whoever would listen as to what he tried to do to me.

The next day, he had been moved elsewhere in the company where I'm sure he continued his poor behavior but at least he was out of my life! His dad was high up in the company which is why it played out like it did.

So in that case, I wrote something like... Attention Mr. ___ I did not appreciate what you tried to do to me but I do forgive you. It would seem that you are not a very enlightened person. So I think that's where you were coming from. I wish you well.

I then burned the note.

So try to do something along those lines.

And then?

Seek positive things in your life. Don't dwell on the bad things, even if they are current bad things. None of us will ever escape all bad things. And try to stay focused on the here and now. For instance, I am currently going through a bad thing. I don't want to think of it but I just did. So I just said to myself... Yeah, that's bad. But the good thing is that while I am typing, I am eating this really good salad!

And if something pops up in before that was bad, recognize that it was bad but tell yourself that it is over now and immediately look around you or think of something good in your life right now. For me, I can think of quite a few things. I have a good gardener, a sparkly black car, clean laundry, plenty of food in the house, comfortable slippers, nice music playing in the background... You get the idea. The good things don't have to be big things. Just keep reminding yourself of the good in your life.

Yes, you will likely remember things that you don't want to from time to time. We all do. The key is to come to terms with them, then let go. Then when you do have those thoughts, you can remind yourself that, those things are behind you now.

You're not going to forget them, you can't deal with them, you're not going to change your way of thinking no matter what anyone tries to give you for help, so tormented and ugly inside you remain.

You can hope for senility, Alzheimers, or dementia. Then you crap yourself with a big smile on your face and be someone else's responsibility.

Just like now.

Always liked Bill the Cat.

(Possible movie spoilers included?)

This might be considered a spoiler, so be warned.

This topic reminds me of the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The premise is that a doctor (a neurologist?) invents a process by which people can selectively remove unwanted memories. The story follows two of his patients/clients played by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet.

I'm probably giving away something by stating an opinion about the theme: all our memories make us who we are.

Need to reformat the Mushy Drive.

Jada59 said:

There is such a thing as repressed memories.

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No, repressed memory stuff is mostly bullshit. 'Retrieved' memories were mostly implanted by hypnotists. Amnesia is real. Traumatic memory loss is real, and Alzheimers. You can try to drink to forget but that won't always work. Tough.

jaF0 said:

Need to reformat the Mushy Drive.

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The one between ears?

Hypoxia said:

No, repressed memory stuff is mostly bullshit.

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Maybe, but it's not total bullshit. When I was in my twenties, I was invited to participate in some gay sex. But when I got naked, I was suddenly the victim of a full-blown panic attack. The other guys were understanding, saying I didn't need to participate if I didn't want to.

It wasn't until a few years later, mulling over the incident, that I suddenly remembered being molested by an older boy when I was around seven years old. The whole incident came back to me, crystal clear, including the recurrence of the panic. I could even remember what we were wearing, and where it happened. I am 100% sure that it was not an "invented" memory.

I still wonder what would have happened had I been introduced to gay sex when I was ready for it, instead of as a helpless child being assaulted by somebody older and bigger than me.

jaF0 said:

My memories SUCK.

The weirdest shit pops into my head from looonnnggg ago for no reason at all.

I hate it all to hell and back. (A place where I've had a standing reservation since birth.)

Click to expand...

You can't forget.

However, human memory isn't static.

Every time you recall a memory you rewrite it. That's why for most people most old memories are happy ones no matter what crap they were going try at the time the real events occurred. Because what we really remember are memories about memories about memories about memories (ad infinitum).

As more you concentrate on the misery and hellishness as worse your memories become. But you can guide that rewrite process to an extent. Yes, it sounds self-delusional, and it is, but it beats formatting the memory, just because you can't do that, not intentionally at least.

Creating crap ton of good memories to just bury the old crap is a good advice on paper, and it helps to the extent you can do that, but most you need it for is this:

Have a rich fantasy life.

Fantasize about stuff you like, tell fairly tales to yourself, keep happy thoughts on the ready. It seems stupid, but feel no shame. This is about control of your own emotions, and the only way you can do that is to cheat.

Now every time you have an unpleasant memory, find or even insert a tiny bit of pleasure in it. Concentrate on it. Next time try recall that self-created please. You will rewrite tormenting memory with pleasurable fantasies, the old memory serving as a reminder of the newer fantasy. But it should be brighter to work. Perhaps it only is an option for people with crazy and overpowering imagination. However, I believe imagination is a muscle that can be trained, but just as any muscle, it should be used, and used to the extreme.

For a stupid example, let's say there was a girl ridiculing you in public. Do you remember what she was wearing? Perhaps not very accurately. Use that, sexualize her outfit. Make her really slutty, if you like. Disassociate yourself from that situation, it's just a slut ridiculing a guy. Now what the guy should have done? Enjoy her public striptease. Now, yes, by the way you're that guy. No you didn't get her to strip then, but you could have. You did choose not to, because you're above that.

Next time you will encounter that memory you will remember a slut you didn't strip, but could have, and the fantasy of doing so. Well, not the next time, more likely the hundredth time from now, doing just small edits every time. But we are talking about shit you can't help but remember again and again and again just to torment yourself some more. Well, unless you admit that's what really get you off, you better make something interesting out of the scrap of that train wreck.

Nobody can hurt you unless you choose to be hurt.

It sounds absurd, but I can assure you, it works even on physical level. It is called Iron Skin or Stone Skin. I had gone to the point a dozen guys beat and kicked me until ran out of breath, then I stood up, brushed off the dust, took one of them by the throat and asked "Is that all you get? Eh?" I had not a bruise. My clothes were trashed though.

Sure, it maybe didn't happen quite that way, they were sadists and wanted to see me cry, and I did, but I prefer not to concentrate on that in my memory. But that time they used me as a ram to demolish a wall in school cafeteria was fun, especially as seen from aside, not the pov of the ram. That school wanted my parents to pay for damages was not, but I'm happy it lead to me switching schools. Those guys did purposefully broke leg of the other guy I tried to protect; it was about time to get out. It was my fourth grade, if you're curious, ten years old.

Well, I was a berserker back in seventh century, two lives ago, maybe it just was much more easy to pick those skills back up.

And if you will study Iron Skin stunts as executed by those same Monks of Shaolin, you will see they are tightly controlled delusions. That's the real skill, knowing the limits, and have those limits just above expectations. I may believe bullets would bounce, they won't, but I wouldn't care when they wouldn't. But the mental state is real, and the emotional angle of it is very much real.

You only get hurt when you choose to, and it is applicable to memories retroactively.

You can rewrite your memories with edited versions. We all do that all the time unknowingly, why not make a little effort.

jaF0 said:

Bad memories.

I friggin hate'em.

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It would help tremendously if all the ones trying to help had some inkling of what kind of 'bad memories' are causing the distress. For example; PTSD from serving in Viet Nam would not elicit the same suggestions as a wife cheating on me, or childhood sexual abuse, etc. If it's possible, perhaps try to open up just a little? If that's too hard, maybe ask for a Private Message buddy or two so the core issues can be discussed?

I have my own personal formula for happiness, but to think it would automatically suit you would be presumptuous on my part.

Hypoxia said:

The one between ears?

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Yuh-huh ....

Purposefully forgetting, is possible, but dangerous. Understand, the strongest memories are the bad ones for a reason. They are there to protect you from similar future issues. This process is teaching the brain to forget, which is contrary to it's purpose (therefore, dangerous).

First, an understanding of how memory works.
Memory nodes inside the brain, are like a pawn in chess. Without reinforcement, it doesn't stand a chance of lasting long in the middle of the board. However, get a few other pawns to back it up, with a knight, rook, and even the queen, and that pawn is so strongly reinforced that it will stand strongly against the test of time. Likewise, memory nodes get reinforced. Take for instance the oldest memory most kids experience: touch something hot, and you'll remember real easy to avoid anything hot in the future. The more negative the experience, the stronger the memory is reinforced, and therefore harder to forget.

Memories are like chalk lines on a black board. You can try to overwrite the lines with heavier lines (stronger memories), but run the risk blurring lines of clarity or differences between one subject and another. An alternate subject might trigger remembering what you're trying to forget. What I am proposing is using the equivalent of an eraser on the chalkboard. Note: you can't un-write a memory, but you can remove it from the forefront of your conscious thought, or relax it, so to speak.

This process is basically biofeedback with a form of negative reinforcement. To un-remember:

• Breathing exercises, meditation. That which brings mental discipline, calm and inner peace. This is for between bouts of bad memory.
• Daily reiterations. A reiteration can be as simple as "I'm not going to remember (this) anymore" The simpler, the better.
• Remove triggers in daily life. Try to avoid whatever triggers your bad memories. This might sound simple, but it's quite hard because you have to think about what causes the memory to spark. If it's a family member, then ask them not to bring up the subject, or the like.
• Calmly focus on white noise (like static noise) during bouts of bad memory or let the white noise overwhelm you (as loud as you need it (headphones are suggested)). This is the negative reinforcement. White noise should be directionless, not music, or something patterned.

It might be worthwhile to suggest a healthy diet. Simple fare of food; vegetables, grains, clean water, some proteins. Nothing fried, or greasy. No stimulants (like spices, coffee or sugar (salt is a necessity, don't avoid that)) which can alter perception. Diet should not be limiting in terms of quantity, only (lack of) quality.

It's a lengthy process to shift a memory from forethought, because it isn't easy and shouldn't be. One day, you'll notice you haven't thought about the bad memory in a while. You shouldn't need to do the process any further. In fact, forgetting to do the process is part of forgetting the memory. You might think "Oh, I forgot to do the process in a few days." It might no longer be needed from that point on.

I don't suggest using alcohol or drugs, as those have a tendency to affect ALL memories (and function), instead of a specific one.

If you have questions on some point you'd like clarified, please feel free to ask.

forgetting

i can only speak for myself in saying .....there are some things that are just impossible to forget. things that are indelibly written into ones memory or onto ones soul. the way she held onto you desperately as she was cumming. or the look from across the room. things like that. or....for those who have seen it....violent death from whatever means. scenes one desperately wants to erase but can not. scenes that come in the middle of the night and make you startle awake sweating profusely ready to fight or crying. memories that make you want to throw up at the slightest recall.

you can do EMDR. eye movement desensitization reprocessing. it works to some extent. it doesn't erase the memories. but it restores them in ways that the recall is less painful....less disturbing.

but....the reality is.....there are some things you can never forget.

i wish it were not so. but i am afraid it is.