How to deal with a breaking down marriage?

We have been together for almost 16 years and married for almost 2. Then a few weeks ago my wife told me she wasn't happy for a few reasons. The stress of trying for a baby and me not being in a consistent job.( the job thing is not new I work in catering and have always moved around as long as she has known me.)
But all this started after she had been away on visits to friends and work trips where she is catching up with people who she hasn't seen in a while and I'm thinking the reason could be feelings stored up from years ago. I offered to go do marriage counselling but she pretty much just dismissed it. I don't know what else to do. Please help.

Well, I've been divorced and while I wound up OK, it was bad for both parties. One thing that did happen was that my ex-, while unhappy, spent time with friends who echoed her unhappiness back to her and amplified it. As a result, she felt that the world agreed with her, and that leaving was the obvious thing to do. She regrets that today, and her friends have, one by one, apologized. We were in trouble (my issues as well - don't want it to appear one-sided), but the echo chamber was devastating.

So talk to her about it. Make it clear that you're committed, absolutely to making it work for both of you, and try and get a dialog started about small things that will relieve the stress. Once you solve one or two of those, maybe a door will open.

I'm sorry for both of you that you're hurting.

I think some off her friends are definitely pushing that way. The biggest problem is that she doesn't seem to want to talk to me and "wants some space" but she has been away more this year than any other since we have been together. It feels like she has given up and is just waiting for something to happen or for the opportunity to leave.

If she doesn't want you, it's over. "Wants some space" means goodbye.

brokenman said:

We have been together for almost 16 years and married for almost 2. Then a few weeks ago my wife told me she wasn't happy for a few reasons. The stress of trying for a baby and me not being in a consistent job.( the job thing is not new I work in catering and have always moved around as long as she has known me.)
But all this started after she had been away on visits to friends and work trips where she is catching up with people who she hasn't seen in a while and I'm thinking the reason could be feelings stored up from years ago. I offered to go do marriage counselling but she pretty much just dismissed it. I don't know what else to do. Please help.

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I have heard that women grieve the loss of a marriage in the marriage...so after divorce the guy is usually feeling blindsided even if you sort of saw it coming...women appear to jave an easier transition after but tgats misleading..they dealt with a lot of the hard part while still weighing their options.

Counseling, yes... approach it as a way to wins down the marriage and or see if there is a portion of the friendship that can be salvaged.. tell her that you understand that she's quite serious about this and you want to go to counseling not to notice a really talked her out of her decision to help you deal with it.

It might work I wouldn't give it high odds...

brokenman said:

We have been together for almost 16 years and married for almost 2. Then a few weeks ago my wife told me she wasn't happy for a few reasons. The stress of trying for a baby and me not being in a consistent job.( the job thing is not new I work in catering and have always moved around as long as she has known me.)
But all this started after she had been away on visits to friends and work trips where she is catching up with people who she hasn't seen in a while and I'm thinking the reason could be feelings stored up from years ago. I offered to go do marriage counselling but she pretty much just dismissed it. I don't know what else to do. Please help.

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Only you know her. Your best bet at discovering what is up is by simply asking the same questions you mention here, to friends of hers or or of both of you. Their response, or lack thereof, their facial expressions, will give you the key. If you are beyond understanding these hints, because you are upset, enlist a buddy you trust to help you. Good luck. Either way she is doing you a favor, by bringing you back together, or ending that which is already dead.

You mentioned that things have been bad since she's been talking to her friends. I agree with the idea that the friends might be contributing to the negativity. Perhaps your wife might also be feeling resentment or anger because those friends have the things (baby, etc.) that she wants; not that it makes sense to be angry at you, but emotions don't always make sense.

We are still close. She still tells me she loves me. We cuddle to watch TV and in bed. The time she is taking this space is at her mums for a few days which she does every year. The thing that gets me is that even though we cuddle she seems distant and I know she can't force emotions if she doesn't want it. We have been through rough patches before and sorted out. I'm just not willing to throw away 16 years of our life. But I just want her to be happy.

Once we embrace the great truth: people are fucked up beyond belief, life starts to make sense.

brokenman said:

We have been together for almost 16 years and married for almost 2. Then a few weeks ago my wife told me she wasn't happy for a few reasons. The stress of trying for a baby and me not being in a consistent job.( the job thing is not new I work in catering and have always moved around as long as she has known me.)
But all this started after she had been away on visits to friends and work trips where she is catching up with people who she hasn't seen in a while and I'm thinking the reason could be feelings stored up from years ago. I offered to go do marriage counselling but she pretty much just dismissed it. I don't know what else to do. Please help.

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So, once you got married you started breaking up? It sounds like she's sending mixed signals leaving you confused. You are comfort and love for her, that's why she still cuddles with you.
Maybe being married was more stress than she could handle (baby & job). If she's done...she's done.
It's sweet for you to just want her to be happy...but you should focus on yourself too. Chances are if you're a mess she will want to move to a cleaner life even if alone. Get your shit together and be a man she can't live without. I don't know that you're a mess and you don't have have your shit together but it can always get better right? Plus you might find that you like yourself more and learn that you're happier without her.

@sundevil.
She has been part of my life so long I think it will take a long to!e for me to be happy without her.

brokenman said:

@sundevil.
She has been part of my life so long I think it will take a long to!e for me to be happy without her.

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It probably will.

Look up the term "emotional fusion"....might be some ideas there.

Marriage just seems like a parallel anti-matter universe to this idiot...thrust or steer opposite from the direction you want to go, otherwise things just go to shit.

Hoping for the best for you.

brokenman said:

We are still close. She still tells me she loves me. We cuddle to watch TV and in bed. The time she is taking this space is at her mums for a few days which she does every year. The thing that gets me is that even though we cuddle she seems distant and I know she can't force emotions if she doesn't want it.

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Without knowing the specifics of your situation, it would seem like you can draw her closer to you with some daily interaction. Communication is a powerful tool. Let her know that you are thinking about her, and that she is valued and wanted in your life. In your shoes I might start by thinking back to the things that she's responded well to in the past. If she enjoys a phone call at lunch to ask her about her day, then that might be a place to start. I know that I haven't been great with the "thinking about you" texts, but modern technology offers remarkably easy ways to express ourselves. Once you get her started sharing herself with you, it will be easier to build on that.

She may respond well to you courting her again. If she responds well to light flirting or a smile as you pass in the hallway, then spend more time making eye contact. Show an interest in her day, and in what she's thinking by talking to her. If you have been guilty of tuning her out in the past, then resist the urge to sit in front of the TV or computer. If she responds well to romance, then work on building that up in your marriage.

Don't forget the power of the honey-do list. If there's things that you've been putting off around the house that are important to her, then making an effort to show her that her priorities are important to you can be valuable.

Once the two of you have started to reconnect, then start having deeper heart to heart talks. It's really never too soon for those, but they can be easier if you're starting to click together again. Ask her how she feels about the marriage, and be prepared to listen. Most of us don't do a great job of listening because we're always thinking one step ahead to how we're going to respond to what's being said. Instead, show her that you are listening by trying to understand and restate what she's said. Then ask her how she thinks that things could be improved. Some couples do well having a "Thorns, roses, and buds" conversation where you occasionally each talk about something that's working, something that's not working, and something that has the potential to be good for both of you.

Once you understand her point of view, then you can share your point of view with her. Dialoge is important, because it can be a barometer of how the marriage is going. Late night chats over a bottle of wine can be a good way to stoke the fires, even if you're talking gossip about the neighbors instead of focused on your marriage.

I am sorry that I don't have anything more concrete for you. Best of luck to the both of you.

What made you decide to get married? Did the rot set in before or after that?

Trying for children must be pretty draining if it is an active effort as opposed to "we'd love kids some day and are ready so let's stop taking precautions". So I am guessing that may be taking its toll. I would say that if the marriage is in difficulty children will not help it at all, so maybe you are best off stopping trying and concentrating on the relationship instead.

My own 22yr marriage nearly ended this year when I proposed divorce. It had been in difficulties for years. Eventually I went through a 9 month process of closing down and checking out, taking solace online, having an affair and psyching myself up to go. During that time I am not honestly sure if my husband could have done anything to stop the rot. I didn't give him a chance, though, so maybe he could. Oddly enough, by the time I proposed divorce I was fully prepared to try reconciliation if he wanted to. He did and we are now doing well. I don't know if your wife is like me but I think she might be in a "grass is greener" phase. If that is the case I think all you can do is try to address any problems she will talk about, try to address any you think are there that she won't talk about and be a good strong reliable husband while she works things through. But don't be a doormat

I think actively trying and not conceiving has been a big strain. When I try and talk she says either she has told me the problems or that she doesn't want to upset me which makes me think she has already decided to leave and is taking some space to figure out how to tell me. If she has decided to leave me then the last couple of weeks when she has been saying she wants to work things out is going to hurt even more. We got intimate on Christmas day but never had sex I gave her an orgasm with my hand and we had a lot of kisses but that is as close as we have been since September.

Best of luck to you in getting your wife to communicate with you and work out your differences! I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. I put everything in my being into being the best husband and father I could but 15 years and she was gone. The fundamental truth I learned is that people change and sometimes the way we change means we don't fit together the way we used to.

Again, I wish you the best of luck!

Last night was rough. The wife is staying with her mum and said she would call me before midnight. But it was quaterpast before she did then was still very distant. We talked for a short while then said she was going to bed but she was straight on Facebook and messaging with people for the next couple of hours we had a brief couple of texts back and forth but she got angry at me for wanting her to tell me she wanted things to work. I think she has decided to give up and will not just say it. But the longer it goes on like this is the worse it gets.

The old time Gold Miners who were an optimistic bunch to say the least, had a saying when all hope of discovering enough gold in whatever mine or worthless hole they were working to live on was gone.

"It's Deep Enough!"

Meaning, it's time to find a new place or in this case person.

I'm in the process of doing this very thing.

It sucks and I don't like it... But there is hope for the future, for with out hope we are nothing.

brokenman said:

I'm just not willing to throw away 16 years of our life.

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Did you spend the last 16 years in jail?

How should the future be able to destroy the past (without time machines)?

Great 16 years are still great when the marriage ends.
Bad 16 years don't get better because you stay together.

brokenman said:

Last night was rough. The wife is staying with her mum and said she would call me before midnight. But it was quaterpast before she did then was still very distant. We talked for a short while then said she was going to bed but she was straight on Facebook and messaging with people for the next couple of hours we had a brief couple of texts back and forth but she got angry at me for wanting her to tell me she wanted things to work. I think she has decided to give up and will not just say it. But the longer it goes on like this is the worse it gets.

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I wish I had a great answer for you, but it honestly sounds to me like you have figured it out. In your place, I would probably give her space, give her the couple of days at her moms or whatever, and use that time to think about what I wanted. It could be that is what she is doing, deciding, and giving her space may allow it to happen one way or the others. For me, the worst part would be if the relationship dragged out and nothing happened, I have had that in my own marriage and it sucks (we obviously didn't split up, but it took a lot to fix things, the irony was we both wanted the same thing, and were too timid to tell each other, then got resentful).

Once she is back, I think as painful as it is, you need to get her to talk about her feelings, get her to be honest and be prepared it may not be pleasant, but it has to happen, it is obvious she is not happy from what you wrote, you don't seem happy, and that isn't doing anyone good. I am not saying just throw everything away, but as painful as it is you can't do anything one way or the other if you don't get out in the open the problem....it could be she simply is overwhelmed, feeling like now she is married and trapped (a lot of couples live happily together for years, and marriage throws them off, don't ask me why...), and it just needs to work out..but you need to let her know you love her, that you can tell she isn't happy, and tell her that for both your sakes you need to be honest, including if she wants out. You don't have to simply say fine and walk away, you can suggest counseling and such, but if she seems to have made up her mind, then you both can move on...

It isn't easy or pleasant, but you don't want to live like my parents did, where they loved each other but had the most fucked up love/hate relationship I ever saw, it sucked for them and it sucked for the kids, too. The other thing to keep in mind is that when the cat is out of the bag, there is hope things can be repaired, but if it stays in the current state, it could fester for a long time and be much, much worse....it is kind of like getting sucker punched in the stomach, or having someone hurt you ever day with small punches, in the end, the second option is worse cause it never goes away...

I wish you well, I wish I had a magic pill or something you see in a story, but in your case, the only answer is going to be honesty..and if your wife can't decide what to do, doesn't want to get help, then you may be the one that needs to end it. It might seem like throwing away 16 years, but in reality what you are doing is not throwing away the future; the past had its good times, and those memories will be with you, but if you stay in a relationship that you decide isn't working, the next 16 years will leave you, not with good memories at all, but rather the misery of the next 16 will wash out the good stuff IME........not saying you should throw it away, saying you need to bring this to a head with your wife, get whatever it is out, then decide what can be done. In the end while we are in relationships, we also are still people and can't sacrifice all our happiness to keep something going simply to keep it going.....I have sacrificed a lot to keep my relationship going, down to sacrificing a large part of myself, but it was a thought out decision and I still have a lot with the path I chose; but had I felt I wouldn't, I would have had to end it.....

I wish you all the best, and I really hope things work out for you and your wife, I tend to be an old softie and want to see it work..but also don't want to see people in pain...

She said she is coming back today and we will talk. I have try to prepare myself for the worst I just hope she will be honest with me and tell me what is really going on. I get mixed signals and she seems to contradict herself sometimes so I'm not sure she is exactly sure where she sees things going. Just hope she wants to work things out like she said last week and wasn't just saying it to try and kep me happy before she was away.

My fingers and toes are crossed for you. It could be simply that she has a hard time telling you what bothers her, it could be she really wants to stay with the relationship but needs to work things out.....my big recommendation (if you get the chance to read this) is to, as hard as it is, listen to her, what she is saying, don't react, give her the space to talk, as hard as it is try to take it as it probably will be, her getting her feelings out, try to take it as being about her rather than being about you........easy for me to say, I didn't always do so well with that either......

The wife came back from her break and we talked and decided rather than dragging it out when she had already made up her mind it was over that we are going to seperate. I feel destroyed. She uses a messaging app on her phone rather than SMS and I can see she is online talkingnto someone until the early hours off the morning and again as soon as she gets up. But don't want to bring it up as it will just make her think I don't trust her. Where do I go from here and hiwncan I save it??????

I hate to say it, (and not even sure the OP is still following this thread) that if your wife has dismissed the notion of counseling and doesn't want to save the marriage, then it's over. For counseling to work (and I've been there) both parties need to want it and have committed to making the effort.

Frankly, and I hate to say it, it sounds like she may already have someone else and just doesn't want to tell you. She wants the divorce and wants to keep "adultry" out of the courtroom because it will affect what sort of settlement she can get. I've known several people who have gotten divorced and often there's another person involved. Unless there are things like alcohol or drug abuse or physical abuse or some other thing that makes "getting out" necessary, people don't leave the relative security of a marriage or long term relationship unless they are already in another one. People don't generally want to jump off the ship unless there's a lifeboat out there that they can swim to.