Humor Thread

A company is known by the people it keeps.

At some time in the lifecycle of every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.

Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor. John Ciardi

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. Spike Milligan

If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some. Benjamin Franklin

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. George Burns

It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money. PJ O'Rourke

Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose

The most popular labor-saving device is still money. Phyllis George

Nothing recedes like success. Walter Winchell

Find a job you like and you add five days to every week. H. Jackson Brown

Angry wife to husband, on the phone: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said, "Baby, it'll be yours one day?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: Yeah I remember that, my love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

Handley_Page said:

Angry wife to husband, on the phone: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said, "Baby, it'll be yours one day?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: Yeah I remember that, my love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop.

Click to expand...

Handley_Page said:

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

Click to expand...

Some good shit Hanley, Thank you for being a big part of the humor thread.
DG

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai ..



Iranian Air Defence Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a British aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defence Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a Royal Air Force GR4 Tornado fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defence Site: ( .... total silence)



I love the RAF

Received this from a friend.

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.

The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said:
"What are you doing, wearing a football jersey?"

She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"

He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."

"Oh," she replied sweetly: "Who did I miss?"

Places we have & have not been!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have, however, been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
-----------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.
Then you are just an old sour fart!
-----------------------------------------------

Some more for the ladies........

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb.
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------

"and they vapor lock"

Falling down Funny,

DG Hear said:

Places we have & have not been!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have, however, been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.

Click to expand...

Good one, DG. I have been in Vain as well...

The toy bus which was given a £50 parking ticket

A hairdresser has appealed a £50 parking fine after a traffic warden gave his children-size toy bus a ticket. Giovanni Cortessi's 3ft-tall classic toy vehicle had been parked on the side of London Road in Brighton, for over a month when it was slapped with the ticket. Mr Cortessi had initially put the miniature double decker bus on display outside Giovanni's salon to cheer up customers and advertise his hairdressing services.

NSL, the company responsible for overseeing parking enforcement in the Brighton and Hove area, said they had since cancelled the fine following his appeal. However, Mr Cortessi said that if NSL did cancel the overzealous ticket, they hadn't notified him. The astounded hairdresser also described the warden who issued the fine to the miniature vehicle, a “killjoy.”

The London Councils who issued a parking tickets to themselves and then refused to pay fine to themselves.

It doesn't get any sillier than this, folks: the councils of 6 boroughs in London issued parking tickets to themselves, then refused to pay the fines to themselves. Some cases went through a staggering 14 stages before reaching a Parking Appeals tribunal. One farce saw Islington Council in North London issue a ticket, then take itself to an appeal hearing – where it asked for costs against itself. The costs process involves another four steps. Stunned adjudicator Gerald Styles said he could not make an order for costs because the council could not "act wholly unreasonably or vexatiously against itself".

A father buys a lie detector robot
that slaps people when they lie. He decides
to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was
at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What?

At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the dad.

Mom laughs and says,
"Well he certainly is your son!"
And the robot slaps the mom.

DG Hear said:

A father buys a lie detector robot
that slaps people when they lie. He decides
to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was
at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What?

At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the dad.

Mom laughs and says,
"Well he certainly is your son!"
And the robot slaps the mom.

Click to expand...

A lot of slapping going on!

lol, I love this one, really funny

amandahansen said:

lol, I love this one, really funny

Click to expand...

Welcome and well done on making your first post. Enjoy the place, I do.

amandahansen said:

lol, I love this one, really funny

Click to expand...

Welcome to Lit, Amanda.

amandahansen said:

lol, I love this one, really funny

Click to expand...

Welcome to the A/H an especially to the humor thread. Feel free to post anything you might find humourous. We make fun of most everybody and everything. Always in Jest.
DG Hear

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"



Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana


A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'


Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North "

Hector decided to treat himself to a trip to the whorehouse, and turned to catch the hooker's expression when he dropped his pants - his penis was eighteen inches long.

"Oh my God," gasped the poor girl, "you're not putting that inside me! I'll kiss it. I'll lick it"

"No way," Hector broke in. "I can do that myself."

Quotes About Children and Parenting:

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)

Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. (Bob Phillips)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)