More Humour

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the
morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between 'Guts' and 'Balls'.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, “You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both often result in death.

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in South Florida, here is a copy of the Miami/Fort Lauderdale/Palm Beach Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in South Florida, you may not have realized that the Dade/Broward/Palm Beach County Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the South Florida Metropolitan Area.

GREATER MIAMI / FORT LAUDERDALE / PALM BEACH AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:___________________ Stage name: ____________________

Agent:___________________ Attorney:_______________________

Therapist name:_________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?

Yes___ No ___ Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde [ ] Blue rinse
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ]Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading South Beach Magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____


If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 5 News to report the crime, then track your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of a hurricane, you should:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 5
e) camp out under a bridge on the I-95.
f) Head down Alligator Alley at 120mph, horn blaring.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.


Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the I-95.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) drive into the nearest canal.

Excellent! Thanks!

I first saw this a few years ago and roared with laughter:

An 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an air-plane?)
-------------


2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ...''
His response -- click.

---------------------

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

--------------------


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

----------------

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

---------------

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
(Must be blonde.)

-----------------------


7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it, (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

----------------

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

------------------

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

----------------

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

---------------

11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

----------------


12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ' 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

---------------

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

=== === ===

Sent to me by a friend

Church Bulletin Announcements:

The sermon this morning is "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight is "Searching for Jesus."

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The cost for attending this week's "Fasting and Prayer" conference includes meals.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 p.m. Please use the back door.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

Taken from the Web

5. That if they worked for 7.8 hours it does not mean they are getting paid for 7 hours and 80 minutes.... I had to explain this to an adult multiple times!

6. If there is a disabled person in the car, I get to use their handicapped plaque to park. The disabled person doesn't actually have to drive, they just have to be in the car. I'm not making my disabled aunt walk across the parking lot just because I drove and you are too stupid to figure out that a car fits more than one person.

7. When you get your food to go, walk outside in -20 weather, drive 30 mins home, the food will be cold. Don't call the restaurant and complain because you don't understand thermodynamics.

10. Tried to explain to a graduate student, who was a few days from graduating, that she didn't have to take her BMW to the dealer because the water stopped coming out of the windshield wipers. She could buy a bottle of fluid for like $1-$2 and just refill it. She bought the bottle of fluid at an auto parts store and poured it into the gas tank.

13. That islands don't float, you cannot dive/swim underneath them, that they are attached to the ocean floor.

15. That the cardinal directions of the compass are in fact NOT just alternatives to simple directions relative to the user. As in, she thought North was just another word for forward.

18. That the Holocaust was, in fact, not a person.

22. El Niño isn't a Latino pop star.


And these people Vote ?

19. That Vietnam is the name of a country, and not just the name of a war.
Girl kept insisting I wasn't old enough to have gone there, and was utterly confused that I said I went two years ago.

20. Just because the chocolate says organic doesn't mean its a health food.

And these are from facebook:-


“Can’t believe Mark Zuckerberg offered to buy ‘snapchat’ for three billion when he could simply download it from the aple store. LMAO.”

“I swear someone needs to invent socks for hands, my hands are always cold”
“we have something called gloves”
“No stupid. Like a sock for our hands”


!I’m not a racist but I think Muslims should go back to Islam if they want to practice Shania law. Go back to the dessert!!
“ – Muslim isn’t a race.
- Islam is not a place
- - Shania is a country singer
- - Dessert is what comes after dinner.

“Lol y’all saying Obama doesn’t have a last name
It’s care”

”Why can the police never figure out who the murderer was lmao just ask the person who died is it really that hard???”


“The date is 1/16/16 just a little longer until 16/16/16”


“If Donald trump wins I’m moving to Alaska”
‘Alaska is part of the US’
“Hawaii then.”

did you hear the one about the little old lady who had her ball of yarn confiscated by the TSA because they were afraid she might knit an Afgan? It's true, I swear, saw it in the interweb.

A man was driving down the road when a rabbit ran out in front of him. he heard a loud bang. he stopped the car, got out and inspected the damage. he found a large dent in his bumper and the creature dead by the side of the road.
A few moments later a woman pulled up in a car. she got out and had a look at what was going on. she proceeded to rummage through her bag.

She pulled out a can and sprayed the creature with it. After a few moments it got up and hopped away.
The man watched as it hopped a few metres then turned round and waved; then hopped a few metres more and turned round and waved again.
The man asked the woman what she had sprayed it with. She handed him the can. the can read....

There once was a couple named Kelly,
Who were found stuck belly-to-belly.
Instead of petroleum jelly.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.' The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then suddenly, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'

Laugh... it burns calories.

The following questions were set in 2012's GED examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

A newly ordained, naive priest gets assigned to a city parish that happens to include the local "red light" district. After few days go by getting acquainted with the parish staff and grounds, he decides to spend an afternoon walking around the parish getting to know the neighborhood.

Walking down one street, he's approached by a "professional" girl who asks him, "Hey father..how about a blow job? Just five bucks." Completely flustered the young priest politely refuses the sales pitch and continues walking. Turning onto the main avenue, another "pro" makes the same offer.."Hey father...five bucks for a blow job...how 'bout it?" Again the flummoxed priest refuse the woman and turns to walk back to the church. A third woman makes the same offer, the priest refuses and quickens his pace, getting to the rectory just in time for dinner.

After telling his story at dinner, while helping to clear the table, the young priest priest leans in and whispers into the Mother Superior's ear, "Mother Superior...what's a "blow job?" The older nun answers, "Five bucks...same as downtown..."

**************

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.


****************

My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this. ).
My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

***************

California Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles, something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her "Why do you love doing that?"
She replied "Because I really miss mine."

I told you, it was a California Love Story...

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:'In 11 minutes, she'll be 18...'

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an
oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 )

2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Catholic Humour:

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Amen...

'Dear Abby' howlers:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

A woman has been in a coma for 3 months and every day, without fail, her husband comes in to visit her and stays for 8 hours trying everything possible to revive her. He has tried talking to her, played her music, got friends to record mesages and even had celebrities in to try and help but nothing has worked and the nurses at the hospital feel really sorry for him. One morning the nurse who is looking after her decides to give her a good wash and get her looking nice for when her husband comes in later that day. As she starts on the bed bath and moves 'downstairs' she thinks she sees a flicker on the monitor. She stops and checks but sees nothing else, so she continues. When she starts washing her in the nether regions again she is sure that she sees some sort of signs of life and is quite excited but doesn't know what to do.
At that point her husband comes in and she realises she will have to tell him about it.
'Mr Jones, I realise this is a bit unusual but I think I may have an idea of how you can revive your wife'
'Oh, my God, what is it Nurse?'
'Well this is slightly embarrassing...' she says and continues to tell him what happened while she was washing her.
'So I think that maybe a bit of oral sex may be worth a try'
The man is mortally embarrassed but agrees that it is worth a shot as he will do anything to try and bring his wife back to life.
'Look, Mr Jones, I promise you complete discretion. I will keep the curtain closed and keep guard outside the room so you are not disturbed'.
The man agrees and the nurse does as she says and stands outside the room.
After a few minutes all the alarms start going off and the crash team sprint down the corridor and burst into the room as the monitor starts flat-lining.
'Oh my God, Mr Jones', says the nurse, 'What happened?'

'I don't know' says the confused man. 'I think she choked'.

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries ...
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.

==================================
THIS ONE IS EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN:-
In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

And the final one...
On a tombstone in Boothill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a 44
No Les, No more

Very nice!
Thanks!

At last, confirmation of ‘Murphy’s Law’ with a wonderful Irish explanation


Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that
buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….
Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. "

"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

Very nice!
Thanks!

hi

Now we all know which is the right side of the bread. Thanks to his grace.

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked.
'The patch.. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's our breakfast this morning?'
It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste, Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . .. . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name ,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . .. . . . . . . .. . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name...

ONE MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud - I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
"I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came."