Desultory and Impulsive

She surprised me when she came home.
I surprised her by being home.

I was organizing the office.
Pandora was playing
Loudly
Through the home sound system.

Some song
From my generation.

"You're home..." she said. There was a tone of slight elation in her voice that she kept to a minimum as best she could.

Her eyes softened in the kind of way that they do when she sees she has my undivided attention. "I thought you worked today."

I told her that this week was my three day weekend week and that I had the day off.

She paused and looked down only to then look up. I struggled as I do sometimes to keep myself from saying "God you've become a profoundly beautiful woman."

Those words haunt me

Because I want to tell her in the worst way
Innocently
With no motive
Just flat-out honesty.

I instead asked her how her day was
Her eyes smiled at my genuine interest

And that was enough for me


And I listened.
 
I am home from work
I am tired

It's late
I need to shower

There was a strange white flashing strobe light about 100 yards into the field on the way home from work.

It was one of those moment where you think it's always been there up until you pass it and then you are like "huh..." followed by "wait a second..." followed by "seriously... what the fuck was that?"

But by then you've driven too far, are not really sure you saw anything, and the thought you may have seen something like what you think you may have seen... is kinda creepy.

And it was.
Like..... fucking UFO creepy.

A single white flashing strobe.



Maybe there will be crop circles come morning
 
...or a dead bicyclist far off into the ditch.

It's anyone's guess up in these here parts.
 
I am having a difficult time keeping up
But then I wonder...

Am I even trying?
 

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I involved myself in a brief backcountry high-speed chase
Mostly to further scare the shit out of whomever all was milling about a car pulled off the side of the road only to then all jump in another car and speed away.

Sensing shit was all up to no good
Bored
And almost home myself
I took off after them

Pretty certain I could have caught up to them
But then I was like... "meh... what lessons do I have to teach?





None."
 
I struggled as I do sometimes to keep myself from saying "God you've become a profoundly beautiful woman."

Those words haunt me

Because I want to tell her in the worst way
Innocently
With no motive
Just flat-out honesty.

I instead asked her how her day was
Her eyes smiled at my genuine interest

You really are a gorgeous writer, and she is a very lucky woman. (psst - tell her she’s a profoundly beautiful woman - I’d like to live in a world where there are men that do that, :heart:)
 
You really are a gorgeous writer, and she is a very lucky woman. (psst - tell her she’s a profoundly beautiful woman - I’d like to live in a world where there are men that do that, :heart:)

Thank you Allia

Perhaps someday we will find ourselves in an honestly easy enough situation and I shall.

Until then
She must continue on with her despair and self-doubt
Just like all the other women.
 
The air is still

The sun is hot
Everything about the outside is sweltering.

She had made plans to visit this weekend
Had they have stuck

She would have

But they didn't
So she's not here


I keep meaning to write more
I keep thinking I should anyway

You know... to keep you all informed
To carry on with the romance and love and salacious fantasies

But I find myself stuck
Caught in the doldrums

She keeps me an arms length away

And I keep thinking that if I write
Her elbow will bend
And I can take a step closer

But my words fail me
My thoughts fail me

I am lost

Because I feel like I lost her


And I have
To time.


I lose a lot of things to time
Which is why I think I don't act on impulse
Why I draw things out.

I could have fucked her
And fucked her in such a way
That would have felt as though
I were making love to her

If she were here
I would be thinking that
Because I would be wanting that
And wanting it in the worst way

But time...
Time would take the moment
And grind it down into a powdery dust
That she would scatter
 
I hate waking up in a panic
With reason
Or not.

I hate it
Because the experience
Exposes me
To my self

Panic
Opens up
An intimate
Personal window
Of danger

Fight?
Or
Flight?

And I find myself
Fighting...


A deep desire to run.



I wake up
Deep in dread
Wanting to run

Like a coward
All the time

I am an avoidant individual
It's disgusting

It breeds such a circle-jerk sense of failure.
 
...but then I get out of bed
Get dressed
Drink some coffee
And get to thinking...

Fuck my mind is such an asshole. I'm pretty fucking awesome.
 
I confess...

I kind of like my sexual violent thoughts.

The thought of a woman's inept struggle to break away from the grasp of my hands. Feeling her try to get me in a position where she could land a kick or bite.

I like sizing up a women. Guessing the amount of fight she has in her. I like how some have this flat-out challenge look about them, where others just look... easy and likely to let fear get the best of them.

I can't say which predatory fantasy appeals to me the most. Sometimes it's the one where I have to force a woman into submission whereas other times it's the one where I have to console her... telling her between her tears that it's going to hurt, but it's going to be okay. That it's all going to be okay.
 
and I wish to assure you...
 

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Sometimes I wonder what kind of father I would be.

I overheard a couple guys catching up with each other the other day. One asked the other about kids and the other said he had a couple boys and the one guy said... "thank God for that eh?" And the other guy said "Yeah!"

Such isn't the first time I overheard the such and I'm always struck surprised by how there's still such a bullshit gender preference.

But then I catch myself dreading the thought of being a father to a boy.

What if he turns out being a monumental asshole or serial killer?

I don't want that on my conscious. Or in my house.
 
Some mornings...

I wake up
And she is with me
In a memory
And I am lost

Alone in bed


I lay there
Once again
In love

And it hurts because I know


But I lay there
And I find my phone
With no messages
And I lay there
Thinking
And feeling

And it's been awhile
Since I last shared such moments

...with her.


I light up my phone
And I find her
And I write her
Telling her

Sometimes all I can get out
Is I love you
...I miss you

Other times
The depths of my emotions
Come surging forth
To such a degree
I feel them stream along
The sides of my face
As I write


But there is a point I reach

It's a hard wall really
I run right into it
Face first

And I stop
And go...

My god.... it's me.
I am the one that cannot let go.



And I am alone
With my message
And I read it
Over and over
And I am left with a choice...

Act the fool like I've come to feel I've always been

Or

Feel my emotions fall away like dead branches with each word I delete.
 
I don't remember saving my edit.
But I guess we'll just have to go with it.

Good night.
 
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I work with a couple of guys
One is retired but still works part time because well retirement for some equals a certain type of death.

The other is perhaps 20 years older than I

Both are solid people
Good workers
And a wealth of information

Both also have blackened fingernails about to fall off from smashing them with hammers.

The thing is this... we've all smashed our fingers at some point and having done so made some sort of proclamation announcing to those near by of the event

These guys made no such proclamation.
It's happened that many times that it's all just become another day.

These guys have been at it for as long as they have and they are still bashing their fingers and busting their knuckles.






Such is life.
 
I wonder if there will come a day that I do not look at or masturbate to porn.

I of course wonder the same thing about drinking coffee and eating candy and chips.

This morning I jerked off to a video of an attractive young woman masturbating on a park bench.

She was wearing a light floral print sun dress.

I had no real ambition to jerkoff
But the whole thing had an innocent playful feel to it and I got to wondering why such an attractive young woman had the desire to exploit herself in such a way

My lizard brain justified her action and convinced me she was doing it to be daring --for me. And I kinda fell in love with her.

As the video progressed, she squirts and the camera pans down to the sidewalk below and the ground looked as though she pissed herself.

She then quickly closed her legs. The camera then zooms up and out and she's giggling and hiding her face in her hand and some time passes of her doing that and looking back behind her all embarrassed until a guy on a bicycle peddled by

It was all so organic and innocent and I actually felt a part of it all. She spread her legs again and continued masturbating ...and so did I.

And now; after the fact, I'm wondering why either of us did so when we both could have spent the time improving ourselves in some other way.
 
Make my love stay
And hold me to it

Make sure that I don't lose it
So that I can sit next to it
As I would if I were a child
After having happened
Upon a secret creek

One that meanders
And is as deep
As however deep
Fear allows it to be

Hold me
And allow me

Because I want to run to it
Right into it
Head first into love

Kiss me
As you once did
So that I can remember
And not lose more than what I already had

Because I tried to remember
Some things

But couldn't
...not like I once did

Not like how I once felt



Some thoughts
Thought themselves through
And throughout

And into... no.

NO!

No my love!
My lost heart!
My heat!
I feel no longer here
Or in my sleep
Or across the cemetery street
Where the rest... rest
Upon benches
And broken wrenches
Under oil slick floors
Flooded in sounds
Of ratchets and jacks
And black tar grease
Dissolved by orange petroleum distillate
And plastic pumice particles
Pounding down the sink
Filling up filters
Getting coated in coolant

Glycol red
A bitter coolaid
 
I want to lay her naked in the field
Tall grass all around us
And spread her legs far and wide
Exposing her beauty
To that of the heat of the sun
And I want to hold her like that
So the air, sky, and clouds
Too can lust after her
Like I so do
Everyday.
 
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It's been a long time...

Since I've last come home from work to an empty bed.

Two nights of this... it's going to be weird.
 
I had a pretty good shower. Thank you for asking.
The water pressure seemed weaker than usual
But all in all it was pretty decent

That is.... until the temperature of the water dropped.
 
I was all like.... wtf? Right?

So I shut off the water
Grabbed for a towel but there was none except for a hand towel. And I made my way to the basement
 
Anyway...

...i get half-way down the steps when the lights go out.

And I'm like... fuck... this is how bitches get killt
 
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