A Dom's responsibilities, the reality of assholes

'after reading the thread about a Dom's responsibilities, I was shown this and thought it worthwhile to share..'

I've been in, out and around the fet scene for longer than I care to say. I've watched interactions between fetishists, Doms, subs, tops, bottoms and everything in between. I've felt the urge to write about this particular pet annoyance of mine for some time. I've read other peoples comments and journals, but I thought I would add my two cents as well.

Keep in mind a lot of this is generalisations and I'm not talking about anyone in particular, this is just a common theme I've noticed and sadly it appears to be increasing.

There are some spectacularly great Doms out there, they are good people who have great attitudes to this lifestyle and are committed to ensuring everyone has the best possible time in the safest possible way.

The problem I see a lot of is the asshole. I'm not going to call them an asshole Dom, just an asshole. They would like to consider themselves as Doms but in reality they're far from it. This post is about getting to know your asshole. In a manner of speaking. It's also a bit of a rant. So sue me

The guys I speak of are the ones who will prey on these types:

1) someone who is emotionally vulnerable or insecure. The asshole is a master of manipulation and knows how to draw someone into their clutches, promising them the world and delivering nothing more than more emotional instability and pain.

2) the Newbie. An asshole can smell a newbie from across a continent. They will leap in and convince this person that they are a God of Domination, they know all there is to know, the newbie must bow before them and subs/slaves have no rights, do as I say or be punished etc etc etc

Both of these types are easy pickings for the asshole. The vulnerable can be manipulated (which the asshole relishes as a challenge in itself, it's a power play for them) and the newbie can know no better in some instances than what the asshole tells them.

Not all people who are emotionally vulnerable or newbies fall prey to the asshole. Many are smarter than that. In which case the asshole will either ignore them and move on immediately or pretend friendship temporarily while they wait for their next mark.

You can recognise the asshole at parties when they turn up. Many don't go to parties because they are recognised by others for what they are and don't do so well in public. But those who do are the arrogant assholes who insist you immediately bow before them if you have identified as a sub. They're the ones who will sit watching others and calculating who they can prey on. Or they will be overly friendly as they figure out the best way to quickly gain trust and move in for the kill. To them it's a game of command and conquer.

By the way assholes reading this, demanding a sub in a relationship to treat you the same as they treat their Dom is just plain rude. They have identified as sub with someone else, you have no right to expect them to behave that way with you and the sub has every right to tell you to go fuck yourself.

Online, real Doms don't expect a sub to play after a single email. They understand that trust has to built and earned. I've seen assholes force a newbie into a situation that left them bleeding, weeping, discarded and one step short of raped after only a brief email exchange. We've all heard horror stories where suspensions have gone terribly wrong from over confident and clueless assholes, where people have been left permanently disfigured and where the emotional damage has taken years to repair because of these situations.

Real Doms have respect for their subs or other play partners. Regardless of the type of play there is always respect and caring for the other person. I've seen some beautiful relationships with Doms and subs where the play has been severe yet afterwards there is obvious care and respect from both parties. Decisions are discussed beforehand, trust is built. If a sub chooses to become a full time slave and relinquish all control then that is a joint decision with a real Dom, not a forced occupation because it pleases and entertains an asshole for the moment.

Assholes have contempt, they don't care about the sub and are under the mistaken belief that treating them like a doormat is correct Dom behaviour. They will walk away after a play session leaving the sub wondering what had happened. The emotionally vulnerable will be willing to believe that the Dom cares because they crave that caring and are mildly enchanted. The newbie will think that this is how it is and that it's normal. It's not. You've been used. By an asshole.

This particular behaviour is exceptionally loathsome to me. Contempt for other people is contemptuous in itself. Everyone deserves respect. Even those who have chosen to enter a world of humiliation and subservience are still respected because their* wish to be part of that particular lifestyle is being respected. Respect by deliberately choosing to not respect. Deep huh?

Having respect for and trust in your partners is in my opinion an absolute key to any and all relationships. Be it a long term D/s relationship or a simple one night stand there has to be both respect and trust. The asshole is selfish, untrustworthy and lacks respect for their partner. The complete antitheses of a healthy relationship.

The asshole cares only for himself, only for his next conquest and only for seeing how far he can push another person to do his bidding. He will move on the moment he gets bored or finds something else more entertaining to him. He leaves a trail of destruction in his wake, physical and emotional. He leaves those behind hurt and wondering what they did to deserve such treatment, what the problem is with them. The answer is nothing, you just met an asshole. He's the problem.

Lets be honest, most of us at one time or another have moved on from relationships for boredom or other reasons as well. But it's the intent of the asshole, how they managed the relationship (promised the world, completely emotionally controlled the other person) and how they move on that is the issue. They discard their previous conquest with the same care as they would a tissue they had just finished masturbating into.

So, in summary:

If you're reading this and you're feeling emotionally vulnerable and being contacted by someone you're unsure of... just be cautious. Ask around to see what the persons reputation is. If they've been on here for a while then chances are they will have one.

If you're reading this and you're a newbie just remember: Any guy who expects or demands immediate play after an email or two is an asshole. Trust takes time. Respect must be earned. Try not to be so eager that you jump in to something that's going to make your first experience of the fetish world a bad one.

If you're reading this and nodding in agreement thank you If you're shaking your head thank you too. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I respect yours as much as you should respect mine

If you're reading this, getting defensive and feel that it's aimed at you because you know me therefore it must be a personal attack... chill out. This isn't aimed at anyone in particular, these are general observations.

But if you are feeling that way... you're probably an asshole

Very well said. Thank you.

Bravo.......

barelytrained said:

'after reading the thread about a Dom's responsibilities, I was shown this and thought it worthwhile to share..'

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If this isn't your writing, your really should attribute it to the original author... A quick Google search of the first sentence in quotes, linked to a blog posting.

a great piece well put.

CutieMouse said:

If this isn't your writing, your really should attribute it to the original author... A quick Google search of the first sentence in quotes, linked to a blog posting.

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Interesting point you have presented........

BTW.......interesting Blog you have there. I will have to check in on it now and then.

They're not from the Casual Libertine blog, either. The blog correctly attributes the post to: https://fetlife.com/users/738193/posts/825948

CutieMouse said:

If this isn't your writing, your really should attribute it to the original author... A quick Google search of the first sentence in quotes, linked to a blog posting.

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Thank you, you are right, the link is http://casuallibertine.tumblr.com/'

...derp!

Great post and thanks for sharing that no matter where it came from


Over the years I've seen these vultures swoop in for the easy kill all to often.

Lots of fake wannabe's out there ( in here ) who prey on the newer less experienced people.

Here on Lit newer folks should take some time and read through a persons ( potential playmate/friend etc ...anyone new who has contacted you or you them ) posting history. How a person has acted and conducted themselves in the past is usually a very good indication of whats to come.

It also works the other way around, you just don't hear about it as often.

But there *are* asshole subs who prey on new doms. *nodsnods*

Lizzie_Borden said:

It also works the other way around, you just don't hear about it as often.

But there *are* asshole subs who prey on new doms. *nodsnods*

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Really? That fascinates me, in an odd way. I'm trying to imagine how that plays itself out, dynamics-wise?

Of course there are assholes everywhere...I managed to boot one from my bed over the summer, so I remember all too well. bah humbug

CinT said:

Really? That fascinates me, in an odd way. I'm trying to imagine how that plays itself out, dynamics-wise?

Of course there are assholes everywhere...I managed to boot one from my bed over the summer, so I remember all too well. bah humbug

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That was exactly the point I was just about to make. Dickheads are all around us, so it's best not to be surprised when they show up in our particular subgroup. Can the Dom assholes do some damage to the subs they inflict their presence upon? Absolutely. More so than the merely vanilla assholes (never thought I'd use those two words together...)? Probably. But they're hardly special, just because they're assholes.

CinT said:

Really? That fascinates me, in an odd way. I'm trying to imagine how that plays itself out, dynamics-wise?

Of course there are assholes everywhere...I managed to boot one from my bed over the summer, so I remember all too well. bah humbug

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There are some dominants out there that consider themselves saviors of a sort. They will do almost anything the submissive asks as long as they feel they are "saving the damsel in distress." Some submissives can "smell" this a mile away and gravitate towards someone who will further their selfish agenda.

Assholes are definitely not exclusive to bdsm. I'd say the number of assholes among men who identify as Dom is the same as in the general population. And the other side of this is, there can also be a lot of women who identify as subs who for whatever reason, seem to want to exist in a fantasy world, make foolish choices, and allow themselves to be victimized or be made to feel like victims. And they don't seem to learn from their mistakes, but rather keep doing the same things over and over again.

Now I'm not talking about all subs, or all women, or physical assault done against one's will despite common sense precautions, or even long term emotional manipulation- I'm talking about something like this:

Online, real Doms don't expect a sub to play after a single email. They understand that trust has to built and earned. I've seen assholes force a newbie into a situation that left them bleeding, weeping, discarded and one step short of raped after only a brief email exchange.

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Yes, trust does have to be built and earned. And it's subs (or anyone with a sex life for that matter) who need to have this drilled into their heads, even more so than Doms do. In other words, don't put yourself in a situation that has the potential to leave you bleeding and weeping after only a brief email exchange.

And if the author actually meant that to be an example of online D/s gone bad, i.e. something the sub did to themselves at the Dom's instruction after one email contact, then it's nothing but sheer stupidity on the sub's part. Don't even get me started on the women who, on public forums, twist themselves into neurotic knots over their online relationships with internet Doms whom they've never met.

I know we can't protect ourselves 100%, and victims are not responsible for the actions of perpetrators. At the same time, we have to take responsibly for our own health and safety, and keep our feet on the ground and our heads screwed on properly. A little common sense goes a long way.

/rant

I think part of the problem with the stigma doms can get as assholes (not saying all doms are assholes or all assholes doms) is that a dom and an asshole can both be seen as wanting to dominate someone else. The difference is a dom normally wants to dominate someone in order to bring that person pleasure and out of a sense of caring respect, or desire to make that person feel good.

an asshole however wants to dominate someone solely for their own selfish agenda and own self gratification. you will normally find doms are rather confident people and assholes very insecure (or at least this is what i have found)

Excellent point!

Confident people are seldom if ever the loud mouths in a room. They tend to be a bit laid back...secure within themselves and not feeling the need to be cocky or arrogant.

That saying : you have to kiss a lot of frogs ... is magnified here . Lots of a holes abound and newer folks unfortunately have to go through a learning curve that teaches them how to weed the creeps out.

boredgenius said:

The difference is a dom normally wants to dominate someone in order to bring that person pleasure and out of a sense of caring respect, or desire to make that person feel good.

an asshole however wants to dominate someone solely for their own selfish agenda and own self gratification. you will normally find doms are rather confident people and assholes very insecure (or at least this is what i have found)

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boredgenius said:

The difference is a dom normally wants to dominate someone in order to bring that person pleasure and out of a sense of caring respect, or desire to make that person feel good.

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That would make the D the one doing the serving, and the s the one being served. Obviously nothing wrong with that for folks who appreciate it, but it clearly flips the dynamic as I perceive it.

As for the long-winded cut & paste in the opening post, I'd say there's nothing wrong with that fetishization of the desperately vulnerable s and white knight D, as long as it's recognized as such. A fetishization, rather than authoritative commentary.

As multiple people have rightly asserted, there are assholes of every sexual stripe. I'd add the point that one person's asshole is another person's perfect fit. It's up to each adult (s, D, non-kinky, whatever) to learn how to distinguish between the two with regard to their own unique needs, and thereby take personal responsibility for their own well-being.

*shrug*

White knight syndrome is a serious issue that rarely results in a healthy dynamic, IMO.

JMohegan said:

That would make the D the one doing the serving, and the s the one being served. Obviously nothing wrong with that for folks who appreciate it, but it clearly flips the dynamic as I perceive it.

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Didn't mean in just a physical sense, as in the sub just lays back and gets played with and stimulated. But as in a relationship that makes both happy. a good dom doesn't solely care about his own gratification, and doesn't want a sub that is made miserable by the relationship.

boredgenius said:

Didn't mean in just a physical sense, as in the sub just lays back and gets played with and stimulated. But as in a relationship that makes both happy. a good dom doesn't solely care about his own gratification, and doesn't want a sub that is made miserable by the relationship.

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Isn't this true of all people in a relationship?

To me, personally, a "good Dom" is one that doesn't try to demand instant gratification from someone he doesn't know. IE, most of the PMs I get here on Lit would not be from "good Doms".

A good Dom, just like a good boy/girlfriend, takes the time to get to know you, learn your limits and your likes/dislikes, and would *never* insist you call him by a Title before you have actually connected and know each other. A good Dom understands that sometimes things, like bills/life/health/etc, have to take priority over the sub/Dom dynamic.

A good Dom is not much different then a good Significant Other, imo. An SO that only thinks about themself is an asshole, and so is a Dom that only thinks about himself. Etc etc.

Some things worth pondering........

A man who displays sensitivity will be a master who is sensitive to you.

A man who never makes demands will be a master who treasures anything you give.

A man who doesn't run after you will be a master you will never need to run away from.

A man who is calm will be a master who can weather your storms.

A man who has walked the path to peace will be a master able to guide you along that path.

A man who does not shout will be a master who will never deafen you.

A man who knows himself will be a master who will have time to know you.

A man with an open mind will be a master who never stops learning.

A man who never stops learning will be a master who never stops growing.

A man who always seeks to be the best he can be for you is the only man truly worthy of being called Master.

OMG love this!

goodsonformom said:

Some things worth pondering........

A man who displays sensitivity will be a master who is sensitive to you.

A man who never makes demands will be a master who treasures anything you give.

A man who doesn't run after you will be a master you will never need to run away from.

A man who is calm will be a master who can weather your storms.

A man who has walked the path to peace will be a master able to guide you along that path.

A man who does not shout will be a master who will never deafen you.

A man who knows himself will be a master who will have time to know you.

A man with an open mind will be a master who never stops learning.

A man who never stops learning will be a master who never stops growing.

A man who always seeks to be the best he can be for you is the only man truly worthy of being called Master.

Click to expand...

Although sometimes being chased after is good, very good.


Can I copy this for my personals ad? Especially this "A man who is calm will be a master who can weather your storms."