My first story

lizzystein

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Jul 15, 2014
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Hi I posted my first story a few weeks ago. It was short but the continuation should be up as soon as it is approved. It is called Nightclub, and it is posted in the BDSM category. As I contemplate writing more, I would like feedback on the first, to know how I might improve. Here is a link

Http://www.literotica.com/s/nightclub-1

Thanks for any and all constructive criticism!
 
Hi I posted my first story a few weeks ago. It was short but the continuation should be up as soon as it is approved. It is called Nightclub, and it is posted in the BDSM category. As I contemplate writing more, I would like feedback on the first, to know how I might improve. Here is a link

Http://www.literotica.com/s/nightclub-1

Thanks for any and all constructive criticism!

Technical aspects are good.

The story didn't really do it for me, but that's more to do with categorisation/expectations than the content of the story itself. To me this should have been in Nonconsent/Reluctance; I don't have a problem with NC fantasies (and they make great fodder for BDSM) but I get crabby about actual non-consent being categorised as "BDSM".
 
Hi,

Thanks for the suggestion. Is there a way to re-categorize it after it has been posted? I wasn't really sure which category would be best, to be honest. I settled on BDSM because the story is fully consensual, and the consent is a big part of what makes it appealing for me, but reluctance certainly applies.
 
Hi I posted my first story a few weeks ago. It was short but the continuation should be up as soon as it is approved. It is called Nightclub, and it is posted in the BDSM category. As I contemplate writing more, I would like feedback on the first, to know how I might improve. Here is a link

Http://www.literotica.com/s/nightclub-1

Thanks for any and all constructive criticism!

I read this story. I liked the raw edge to it. The words gelled well and your spelling and grammar were decent too. Overall, I think it packed that punch you intended.

Some of the degradation was over the top, and I didn't care much for the "you" in the story, but that's my personal preference. Maybe you could rewrite it keeping it in first person with a stranger.
 
Hi,

Thanks for the suggestion. Is there a way to re-categorize it after it has been posted? I wasn't really sure which category would be best, to be honest. I settled on BDSM because the story is fully consensual, and the consent is a big part of what makes it appealing for me, but reluctance certainly applies.

Info on changing categorisation here: http://literotica.com/faq/05235347.shtml#05313767

That said, Laurel (story moderator) seems to draw the line between NC and BDSM in a different place from where I do. If she had thought it needed to be in NC I expect she'd have overridden your categorisation. Looks like a lot of the BDSM readers were fine with it where it was, so I'm not sure whether moving it would improve the general reception. Maybe NC/Reluc readers would think it's too consensual, I dunno - I'm just speaking from my personal preferences.

For me it's non-consent in that he starts calling her a "slut" as soon as they meet, without any negotiation, and when she says "no" he slaps her. That could certainly be part of a BDSM scene but only if she's previously given her okay in one way or another, which she hasn't, and the fact that she does end up agreeing to his demands doesn't retroactively make that intro consensual. Your mileage may vary.
 
Thanks for the comment. I see your point! It's a part of the fantasy that he knows what she wants without being told, but obviously there is an aspect of non-consent. Obvious, except to me, that is. I'm too close to the fantasy to have seen it clearly. I want to say the that non consent is slight, but as you pointed out, he hit her without consent, which is hardly trivial. I will keep this in mind for future stories.
 
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I read this story. I liked the raw edge to it. The words gelled well and your spelling and grammar were decent too. Overall, I think it packed that punch you intended.

Some of the degradation was over the top, and I didn't care much for the "you" in the story, but that's my personal preference. Maybe you could rewrite it keeping it in first person with a stranger.

Thanks for the comment. I think my next story will use a more traditional voice. It might still be written in the first person, but it will be past tense, and won't refer to the reader in the second person.
 
The pace of the story is very staccato and rapid. Good for a short story but I don't think I could read it like this for another full page. A few spelling errors and the word jello-y...you should delete it. Saying that word in my head took me out of the story.

The shame and embarrassment, was it mine or hers, because I certainly did feel uncomfortable with what she was doing and all of it in public too. That is a good thing :)

Character development, I usually find this lacking but so much of the story was told with a lot of feeling and the descriptions were very rich that I didn't notice it. In later chapters you will need to fill her out a bit. I don't mind that she is a slut, but I hope there is more to her than that. Him...he needs to be more than just a cute face. I like the way he turns away, then calls her a slut. That seems realistic. During that encounter I think a little more time needs to be spent on him though. He is the reason she came out there in the first place, but he takes a back seat during both of the blow jobs. You should make her focus on him, think of him while she is on her knees, make sure we remember he is there. Otherwise, he could have just walked away and one of the guys could take her home. You can keep a mystery about him, but just make sure he isn't forgettable.

I liked the rapid pace, it kept me interested. I actually felt some of what she felt, which is great, but I would like him to be a bit more larger than life. Overall very good.
 
I wouldn't worry about the category thing. The narrator is given several chances to back out, and waiting in the alley on her knees seems like a pretty strong signal of consent. While the subheading in the Nonconsent/Reluctance category is "Stories of Control," I think you could also apply that to BDSM. In fact, it's hard to see a story being in the BDSM category if there isn't some ceding of control.

Not a bad read. You'd catch a few things if you read it aloud. There are a couple places where I suspect you rewrote and misplaced or deleted a word.

IMHO, the man would seem more dominant if he started without the slap and just used his words and body language to calmly assume control.
 
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