How to deal with a Severely Ill Parent?

C

Christopher2012

Guest
So as some of you may know, my father is an alcoholic and has been drinking daily for as long as I can remember. In recent years, the alcoholism has worsened because my half-sister died at an early age and he was diagnosed with depression. I guess through all of this, I have just ignored the inevitable and just didn't think about what could happen. Well, it just got really bad.... really really fast. He now has severe inflammation of the pancreas and I'm guessing liver problems as well considering his eyes are yellow.

My stance right now is to just hope treatment prolongs his life and he actually follows the doctor's advice, slow down on the drinking, etc. At the same time, I'm starting to think it may be time to mentally prepare for the worst. He just looks terrible. He hasn't eaten much in months and he can only handle clear fluids at the moment.

It's an unreal thought that I could lose my father but yet at the same time, it's really frightening to consider it a possibility in the near future. I mean, my father's father is still alive.

My mom doesn't seem to be too worried. Or at least she's really good at not showing it. She's just like "Welp, if he quits drinking, he'll recover. If not, he'll continue to suffer." She's very matter-of-fact about it and not emotional. I dunno... I didn't expect to potentially lose a parent in my 20s.
 
I'm so sorry, Christopher. :rose:

It's a tough situation to be in, that's for sure. I watched my mom do this for years with my grandmother. Not the alcoholism, but in not doing what the doctors told her to do, and then watching it negatively affect her health as a result. Which, in turn, put major stress on my mother, as her caregiver.

When she passed, I was thankful she was no longer in pain, but there was (and still is) a part of me that resented her for unnecessarily putting the rest of the family through that.

Obviously I'm not familiar with all the family dynamics, except for what you have related here, but I wonder if, as a self defense mechanism, your mom has reached a point where she's just resolved that your dad's fate is in his own hands. I mean, how can you save someone who doesn't want to be saved? As much as it hurts, at some point, you have to pull back to save your own sanity.

But you are right, early 20's is awfully young to lose a father. I just saw this happen with two of my cousins, and I ache for them. For what it's worth, I hope your father comes to his senses.

I don't have much else to offer except to suggest counseling might help you resolved tangled emotions, and such. But given your past reactions to suggested counseling, I somehow doubt that's an avenue you'll pursue. Nonetheless, I wish you and your family all the best now and in the months to come.
 
I *slightly* know your issue.
My dad smoked his entire life, so did my mum. Now my dad has Emphysema, and as a result, a whole raft of secondary issues.

Now... I know these two issues are not totally the same but I know about having to watch him deteriorate and prepare to say goodbye.
Several times a week we talk and he seems fine. We can only talk for a few mins because he gets tired from talking and his breath gets ragged.

My mum has done the same as yours... Almost distanced herself from it.
My mum isn't as bad because when my dad was first diagnosed she stopped on the spot while continued for years afterward.
My mum has stated that its a defense mechanism so that when he does go it won't hurt *quite* so much.

Now, I know this is going to sound nasty, but we look forward now to when he does die that all the pain will be gone. His life now is non-existant. He used to goto the park and sit out in the garden... Now pollen or cold air sets him off coughing so he can't leave the flat he shares with my mum.

The first thing I would do NO MATTER WHAT is make peace with yourself over this.
I know its hard.... By fuck its hard... but you need to.
Then you need to make peace with your dad... Talk to him. Make sure he knows that you love him and all that. Let go of any old problems you have and love him.

This is also a self defense thing... But a positive one. This way, when he dies (Nobody lives forever) both he and you will KNOW that he knew you loved him and that you tried your damnedest to make everything as good as you can.

Also... Make sure your mum knows you will be there for her too. She *IS* suffering, I can guarantee it, she just isn't showing it.

Also... Don't be afraid to talk to someone if you need to.
 
Are you still supplying the household vodka Chris? Are you leading by example and stopped drinking in the house yourself? Do you engage with your father, encourage him to join you on outings and activities (even insisting) or do you still have your head stuck in gaming remaining oblivious to the world?
 
:( you know what i feel you.. In my case, I lose my mom because of depression.. depression because of my dad.. my dad loves to drink. and it leads him to a stroke. he was paralyzed when i'm 17 and I lose my mom at the age of 17.. now i am 19 :) i am living with my dad.. i took charge of taking care of him :) instead of scolding my dad and get angry to God. all I do is to pray and still being thankful to God because I still have a parent :) our relatives were still on our back to help us :) Patience and love is what we could give to our father :)
 
Are you still supplying the household vodka Chris? Are you leading by example and stopped drinking in the house yourself? Do you engage with your father, encourage him to join you on outings and activities (even insisting) or do you still have your head stuck in gaming remaining oblivious to the world?

Go to fucking hell.

I was going to respond to others. I'll come back after I block this asshole and can't see his posts and calm down a bit.
 
Okay, the question may have been unclear. I want to know what to do mentally. I'm not trying to solve my family's problems with addiction. I need to know how to prepare mentally because it's going to be extremely difficult, probably much more so than I could imagine to see a father die.

If you want to lecture me on my problems, I can just go back and re-read all that shit from the other threads.

Thanks for the responses. Again, I'll respond a bit later. This question was more directed to those who have lost parents. How did you cope? What was unexpected? That kind of thing. My title and the question was misleading.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Hi Christoper, I lost both parents in my early, mid 20s--my father to a stroke when I was 22, and then my mother to Alzheimer's (though really she was gone long before she died) when I was 26.

How to mentally prepare? You can't really, or at least I couldn't. With my dad, the strokes kept getting progressively worse, so we knew it was inevitable, but knowing it's going to happen, and it happening are two very different things. No matter how ready you think you are, when it happens you will realize, nothing can prepare you for the hole that will be left in your life.

What I will tell you is this, spend as much time with him as you can. Do the little things he requests even if they seem dumb, or a waste of time. Make sure he knows every day how much you love him. Make the time you have left as happy for both of you as you can. Those are the memories that will help fill the hole in your heart when he's gone.

There isn't much I wouldn't give for 5 more minutes with either one of them. So, there's my two cents. :)
 
My father died after the second of two massive heart attacks in July. He was 66. Even though he had smoked since he was 16 and had COPD, his death was still a shock to me. I'm not the person to ask about coping, though, because I'm not really dealing with his death at all. *shrug*
 
Last edited:
It's an unreal thought that I could lose my father but yet at the same time, it's really frightening to consider it a possibility in the near future. I mean, my father's father is still alive.

It happens. My grandmother outlived two of her daughters :-/

My mom doesn't seem to be too worried. Or at least she's really good at not showing it. She's just like "Welp, if he quits drinking, he'll recover. If not, he'll continue to suffer." She's very matter-of-fact about it and not emotional.

Some people are good at masking strong emotion, or just don't naturally express it much. (Going by other people's reactions, I have a way of exuding Zen-like calm when I'm feeling upset and shaken.) It may also be that she's seen this coming for a while and has already done a fair bit of processing, so she's at a different stage of reaction to where you are.

Some thoughts, don't know if any of this is useful:

- IME people often deal with serious illness, their own or others', by becoming control freaks. For some people that's superstition or pseudo-science ("I can cure this with a Miracle Diet!") and for others it involves things like trying to over-manage medical care, family relationships, etc etc. When my mother was ill, I found her very difficult to deal with, but it was easier to accept and forgive when I viewed it as "person who can't control the most important thing in her life is trying to compensate elsewhere".

- Don't hold yourself responsible for too much. A lot of what happens from here, both personally and medically, simply isn't yours to decide, no matter how much you'd want to.

- Don't push yourself to "get over it" too quickly. As a society we tend to have this attitude that we need to process grief and get back to sunshine and light as soon as possible. IRL, stuff like this hurts, and I find it better to accept that it's going to hurt for quite a while. It's like, if you break your leg, OF COURSE it's going to hurt for a while, but there's a difference between "this hurts, which is normal" and "this hurts, what am I doing wrong, shouldn't I be over this by now?"

My father died after the second of two massive heart attacks in July. He was 66. Even though he had smoked since he was 16 and had COPD, his death was still a shock to. I'm not the person to ask about coping, though, because I'm not really dealing with his death at all. *shrug*

Three months after losing a parent is not long at all, in my experience. It's been nine years since my mother died, and I don't think that sadness will ever go away; it's been on my mind a lot this year. But it gets to the point where the sadness is manageable, and there's room for happiness alongside it. *hugs*
 
Christopher,

I lost my father when I was 13 to a massive heart attack. Value the time that you have with him right now, and when the time comes, be strong and know that he is no longer suffering. And please, keep your wits about you. I can't stress this enough. Don't go down the wrong path and keep your family close, don't push anyone away when they want to console you.

I could have very easily gotten into drugs, or seeked affection somewhere else, but I didn't. Now I am dealing with taking care of my sick mother.

Yes, it may feel like you have no life or have been robbed of your childhood, but remember this is only making you stronger, making you take better care of yourself so you don't head down the same road that he did. There are support groups out there, I never had one, but I had the church and family.

Just know that there are caring people on here if you know where to find them. Keep your chin up, take it day to day, week to week and value each and every day.
 
Well today we got better news, actually. I was under the impression that he had been officially diagnosed with pancreatitis. My mother was the one who I get my information from and I'm guessing she was thinking worst-case-scenario. Turns out, his labs came back and no problems with his enzymes. They're going to do a CT scan to rule out but for now, the doctor is thinking stomach ulcer.

So that's a hellava lot better than what I thought.

It's still caused by drinking though. Mom was like "Well, maybe if it hurts only when he drinks, he'll stop."

I appreciate all the help from everybody. I read every word. I think I'm just going to let this thread die. #1 I don't really want to keep thinking of the situation as if he's dying (unless I know for a fact) and #2 I really don't want to be a buzzkill to the rest of forum. It's not really suited for this place anyway.

So the first rule of thumb is not to overreact. Find out facts before reacting.
 
Then as a final, friendly piece of advice from one who should have paid closer attention to the medical advice when my Mum had cancer, if you think you can keep a clearer head than your Mom at present, then try to attend medical appointments with them. So much can get confused in the emotional whirlwind of diagnoses of and treatments for major illnesses. Overreacting, if it was, comes from love.
 
Well today we got better news, actually. I was under the impression that he had been officially diagnosed with pancreatitis. My mother was the one who I get my information from and I'm guessing she was thinking worst-case-scenario. Turns out, his labs came back and no problems with his enzymes. They're going to do a CT scan to rule out but for now, the doctor is thinking stomach ulcer.

So that's a hellava lot better than what I thought.

It's still caused by drinking though. Mom was like "Well, maybe if it hurts only when he drinks, he'll stop."

I appreciate all the help from everybody. I read every word. I think I'm just going to let this thread die. #1 I don't really want to keep thinking of the situation as if he's dying (unless I know for a fact) and #2 I really don't want to be a buzzkill to the rest of forum. It's not really suited for this place anyway.

So the first rule of thumb is not to overreact. Find out facts before reacting.

Well in light of the situation I'd say this is the best case scenario! I'm glad to hear it!
 
reccommend

My HIGH recommendation is to get yourself to an Al Anon group to help with the emotional pain. You will find a sympathetic group of folks who've been through the pain of alcoholism. There isn't much to do in response to losing a parent except to go through the process of grieving. In some sense, not that it will help you, but you lost your father a LONG, LONG time ago.
 
My father is an alcoholic and at various times in his life I've been uncertain whether I'll see him again. He was also a womaniser and occasionally violent, so I can't say there's a lot of love lost between us. I'm in my 30s and he's in his 60s. The only reason his lifestyle has changed is because he had bypass surgery about ten years ago and his health has been crap since. He's cut back on the drinking but that's due to his financial circumstances these days, not his self control. He's given up womanising because he can't any more, finally, at about fifty years old and three decades after most people reluctantly grow up. He's an intensely selfish and egocentric man. Now one of his valves is fucked and he's not fit for surgery. They've given no life expectancy but he's practically confined to the house now because he can exert himself so little before he runs into trouble. I'm not optimistic and neither is his long suffering partner.

My circumstances are different to yours but I've kind of made peace with it and done my grieving in advance. I do not have it in me to fret over him on a daily basis and doing so won't change his outcome one iota. Grown men are responsible for their own choices and in my view, your father is very fortunate that you're still around and giving this much of a shit about him, because many people would have walked away from a toxic parent like that.

It sounds like your mother has checked out emotionally but that is a defence mechanism, as others have said. She's probably been trying to help him change his ways since before you were born and as such she's that much more jaded with the whole charade. She knows that regardless of what she says or does, of how supportive or not she is, your father will make the same bad choices because he clearly has no inclination not to. The first thing any Al Anon person will tell you is that unless the person wants to change, all the help in the world is completely pointless. Your mother has learned this the hard way, while raising you. So she probably feels that there's no point to her grief and heartache and in many ways she's right. Her pain won't stop your father from drinking, any more than yours will. And with alcoholics everything is an excuse for a drink - even your anguish at the state he's in as a direct result of drinking.

The advice I would give you is to grieve as you need to. He hasn't died yet but you know that barring a miracle it won't be long. Let go of the anger and frustration you feel at his inability to control his addiction - just as you would have if he had already died. Accept that his choices are his choices and let him make them. You can fight him all the way to the grave, begging him to pull his life around but the likelihood is you'll break your own heart and he'll still carry on regardless. Sometimes it's time to accept defeat, for the sake of your own sanity and to recognise that this was never your fight in the first place. You can fight with him but not for him. Nobody can. I would say focus on yourself and your mother and tell him he should know by now that you'll support him all the way - the day HE chooses to tackle his addiction. The sad reality is that there is absolutely nothing else you can do. Try to make him see that, sure but don't waste your life trying to persuade him that his is worth living.

Probably a little harsh I guess but that's my two cents.
 
My HIGH recommendation is to get yourself to an Al Anon group to help with the emotional pain. You will find a sympathetic group of folks who've been through the pain of alcoholism. There isn't much to do in response to losing a parent except to go through the process of grieving. In some sense, not that it will help you, but you lost your father a LONG, LONG time ago.

This is good advice. They do a lot of work with relatives/partners and other people affected by alcoholism. I guess you could also suggest bringing your father with you, so that he can sit and hear first hand what this is doing to you. The likelihood is he won't change his ways at this stage in the game but if he's willing to go with you it's something you can try. Or obviously if you prefer to talk without him there, you can go to a different group to one that he may have a previous association with. Perhaps your mum could benefit from this too.
 
Generally speaking, for an addiction to thrive the addict needs an ecological niche for it to happen. Put Tom Hanks on an island alone and he cant drink or get high. Put him on death row, same thing.
 
Christopher, how's your Dad?

I really don't know. He just went back to the MD with my mother. He has jaundice and it's apparently worsening. I thought he was doing better though because he was eating, talking more, getting up and playing with the dog. I guess I didn't notice the yellowing. So we'll see...

I didn't go with them because I didn't know they were going. :/

Good news, none of the household has been drinking the last few days. So that's good.
 
Oh yeah.... he was just hospitalized. I swear, life.... just... I dunno man... fuck life. I just fucking hate life.
 
Back
Top