Feedback - Oasis Pool Club

CWatson said:

I'm having trouble getting through even the first chapter because of technical issues. You changed between past and present tense about once per paragraph for the first ten paragraphs, which is frequently enough that I started wondering if you were doing it on accident. Additionally, it's always tricky to address the reader directly, as you did in the first paragraph. The end result is that it seems sloppy. As a reader, I don't want to invest effort into the story if it seems like the author hasn't--if, as far as I can tell, she just dashed it off in a rush, patted herself on the back and hit "Submit" without rereading it even once. The story picks up steam once you finally settle into present tense, but by then I've already hit the Big Red Back Button.

Then the sound effects kick in. Instead of describing the action, you just throw random noises in. It's another sign of laziness, and it's a huge turn-off for me.

As to the ending, I'm assuming it involves feeding the cumcoction to this mayor and turning her into a slut. That's basically the only direction you can go. If Matt is smart, he'll film her escapades at the club and create a moral outrage that results in her losing office. Then Diane can keep her club.

This is not my feedback. I hit a button by accident and everything went screwy.

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robertreams said:

CWatson said:

I'm having trouble getting through even the first chapter because of technical issues. You changed between past and present tense about once per paragraph for the first ten paragraphs, which is frequently enough that I started wondering if you were doing it on accident. Additionally, it's always tricky to address the reader directly, as you did in the first paragraph. The end result is that it seems sloppy. As a reader, I don't want to invest effort into the story if it seems like the author hasn't--if, as far as I can tell, she just dashed it off in a rush, patted herself on the back and hit "Submit" without rereading it even once. The story picks up steam once you finally settle into present tense, but by then I've already hit the Big Red Back Button.

Then the sound effects kick in. Instead of describing the action, you just throw random noises in. It's another sign of laziness, and it's a huge turn-off for me.

As to the ending, I'm assuming it involves feeding the cumcoction to this mayor and turning her into a slut. That's basically the only direction you can go. If Matt is smart, he'll film her escapades at the club and create a moral outrage that results in her losing office. Then Diane can keep her club.

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tanyastoes said:

Okay, I've revised Episode 1. Maybe the new version will help. If anyone cares to review it, I'd greatly appreciate your response.

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