Miles Long
Fuck victoriously!
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- Oct 21, 2005
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I may have to double up.
I may have to double up.
Yes. We've heard that about you. I'm still in awe from when you pulled that quad... er... a couple of years ago?
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Farawyn
Guest
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PrettyLilPussy
Guest
Its a question orgy!
If a topic gets so juicy it needs its own thread, we can totally spin it off
Ed27R
Literotica Guru
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For a long time I really didn’t care if my partner was experienced or inexperienced. I think that had a lot to do with me moving in stops and starts to being a more complete person. Or maybe just more comfortable in who I am and knowing the difference between what I need and what I just want. Now - I prefer someone who is comfortable in herself. This may or may not mean they have a lot of BDSM experience - but usually enough to know what the “ball park is” and that look in her eye that wants to explore.
Ps loving the thread and the other replies.
Ps loving the thread and the other replies.
Mei5ter
Fading
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- Jun 20, 2018
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- 4,410
I’m sure that there are some for whom assuming a particular sexual role as D or S may be an extension of a broader attitude to life in general. But there are certainly some who spend most of their lives either taking charge or being told what to do, and for whom taking the opposite position sexually comes instinctively. Domme in the boardroom and femme in the bedroom, as a friend once put it, may be a cliche - but there’s a reason that’s so.
Paul_Chance
The Watcher
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- Dec 23, 2011
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I've never really seen any sort of correlation between private and public roles, though you would think there would be one, at least as far as BDSM preferences were concerned. I do think there is a correlation between alpha status - alphas in public tend to be alphas in the bedroom, going off the biological definition of an alpha male or female. I also haven't really seen a correlation between alpha/dom and beta/sub. I think one (alpha/beta) are personality/life characteristics and the other (dom/sub) and assumed sexual roles.
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PrettyLilPussy
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#3
Thursday Question:
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
**Thanks to everyone who has sent me discussion questions or ideas. Keep 'em coming! Also, just because a new question is up doesn't mean old questions are off the table.**
Thursday Question:
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
**Thanks to everyone who has sent me discussion questions or ideas. Keep 'em coming! Also, just because a new question is up doesn't mean old questions are off the table.**
For me, this is a "depends" answer. Specifically, it depends on just how deep into Hell we are going.
If she is more vanilla than Dairy Queen soft serve, then it's generally speaking been enough for me to know that she wants to get fucked. (But, I do admit I pay rather more attention to word choices such as "make love to me" versus "fuck me" versus "pound me until I scream and want to write bad checks" as far as just what is going to go on.)
But, the one thing I absolutely won't bend on is that consent, even this lesser consent, must occur while everyone is clear and unimpaired. Even just a drunken, "I think I'd like you to fuck me," I'm going to not take advantage of. (Now, if she will repeat that when she's sober, she's going to be on the bed faster than she would believe.)
That's not to say that I haven't been fooled once or twice into participating in something they then regretted when they sobered up. But, that never fails to give me a squick, makes me feel like a rapist, so I generally avoid it if there is any hint that she isn't perfectly clear and unimpaired when she gives consent.
Also, the deeper we delve into the darker side, the more specific I'm going to press her to be. Some of that is, yes, I'm enough of an asshole that I do enjoy making her squirm just a little bit as she tries to articulate her darker desires.
But, most of it is, frankly, I am just not going to be dungeon delving and have her drunk on endorphins claim she wants more and harder in the moment and then have her hold me as a regret later.*shrug*
I know that's not common since I've seen enough HT posts about people wanting to convince someone to do something and lots of people urge them to use the heat of the moment to pull a concession out of their SigOt. Frankly, just reading such advice makes me uncomfortable, so I typically toss my nickel that it's a good way to fuck up a decent relationship and wander off.
What typically makes this difficult, based on my experiences anyway, is when a submissive really doesn't want to talk about it, they just want to be made to do it. I understand there is that deep drive to submit, but, and it's just my opinion, but I think there is a lot of the "good girls don't" mentality that comes into play there.
For me, a good girl wouldn't leave her Dom in the dark, least of all about the darkness within her. Talking about it an open forum or with a stranger you don't really know as anything other than generalities is one thing. Talking about it with the One you have selected, at least for this moment, to walk into Hell with you is something else. And a true good girl would make as certain as she could that provided as close of a map to her inner Hell as she could.
And if you can't talk about it with me while we are both calm, collected, and unimpaired, then I'm not the dungeon guide you want in your party.
(*shrug*)
Like I say, I know I'm weird and just about as far outside the box as it's possible to get while still being in the same warehouse. I know that it tears away alot of the mystique and allure to be talking about what you want to be done to you in the dark in the broad light of day. I know that a lot of people feel a need to take on board more than a little "liquid courage" to have certain discussions. But, more so than just because I like to make you squirm, I think that a cold, analytical discussion is necessary to make sure everyone comes back out of Hell intact. Er, mostly.
And this is particularly true if you want me to break out the chains, whips, and barbed wire.
As far as aftercare...
For me, the lines are actually pretty blurry about what is the end of the scene and what is aftercare. So far as I'm concerned, aftercare is a mandatory part of the scene. I don't particularly enjoy cliffhangers in my reading, won't employ them in my writing, and I'm damn sure not going to be party to them in real life.
Having said that, I understand "shit happens." And sometimes shit happens at inopportune moments which may postpone aftercare. All I can say is that it is my opinion that if aftercare is delayed, it should not be allowed to be completely denied, not by either party.
I do understand that there are some people that can only put themselves back together after having their soul stretched so wide open by completely distancing themselves. Not only from the scene, but from the person who shared it with them. I've tried to make allowances for my lovers for whom this was the case. But, typically it wasn't very long before we figured out that I just wasn't the right fit for them.
Just as I need to know that I have been party to stretching her soul wider than it was before we began, so too do I need to feel a part of her packing her soul back in her skin right way 'round. If I'm consistently denied access to this part of her, then I fell that I was little more than a masturbatory aid despite the fact that I was the one holding the leash, the key, the flogger, or just whatever it was she needed to get there.
Just what that aftercare is depends on what she needs, or what I think she needs. Maybe I don't necessarily need to draw her a bubble bath and help her in it then head off to put together a light snack for her and come back to help her gently wash. Perhaps all I need to do is hold her hand lightly over a cup of coffee and help her to understand that I still think she is a good girl, one who is intelligent and funny and wise as well as beautiful and that having those needs, those desires doesn't in anyway diminish her in my eyes, or my regard for her.
This isn't to say I haven't taken my boss bent over her desk with her panties crammed in her mouth in a "quickie," but even there, I helped her redress and straighten her clothing and kissed her palm before we opened the door of her office once more. *shrug*
As far as Real Life versus Online Play... I really couldn't say as I've never been involved in any online play, not of any variety. (My published works linked in my sig don't count since I'm trying to turn everybody who reads it on. If I can.) But, I can't see where it would make a difference. Not for me. In fact, I think I would most likely need even more clarity of communication, both before and after, in the event where I could only rely on shared words than being able to read her body.
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Farawyn
Guest
I’m very lucky. Because I knew Necro for, wow, almost a year online before we met, we had talked about everything. EVERYTHING. He knew what I needed, what I wanted. He paid attention to everything I said.
I need aftercare after I have pain. After I am controlled. If he is particularly stern. I’ve been known to cry. I love that. I love that empty feeling after. You know, feeling completely EMPTY?
But once the glow wears off, I need touch.
We’ve changed and tweaked, but really, there are no negotiations. We just talk. Constantly. We are talkers. Ask cookie.
cookiecat
Literotica Guru
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- Oct 27, 2006
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True story
Ed27R
Literotica Guru
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As a general rule I am a talker or maybe an interrogator might be closer to the truth. I tend to ask a lot of questions and run down a lot before I start with someone. Overall I think it has been a positive - but eventually I do just need to shut up. As for aftercare - for me I find it increadibly grounding after you go to certain places in your mind. It is weird but I find those physical acts and touch are what I/we need to ground both our minds and maybe spirits (if I am feeling more mystical).
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Farawyn
Guest
Aftercare online is a bit trickier.
I remember when I first got to Lit. I had no clue. There was a guy who I got friendly with and yadda yadda... and one night he called and had me cum. Taking orders from him was the first time I had done that. He had me causing minor pain to myself. Good pain. Between that and being commanded, I was a wet mess.
Then he had to go. Quickly.
And I had nothing.
So I called my GF <MyNameisNO, remember her?> and she let me cry. I cried and cried. It was so good.
I wasn’t sad. I just... didn’t know. I didn’t know I loved pain. I loved submitting. I loved being emptied out from my core. I had nowhere to go with it. So, she stayed with me, on the phone, and let me cry. She knew. I will never forget that.
I remember when I first got to Lit. I had no clue. There was a guy who I got friendly with and yadda yadda... and one night he called and had me cum. Taking orders from him was the first time I had done that. He had me causing minor pain to myself. Good pain. Between that and being commanded, I was a wet mess.
Then he had to go. Quickly.
And I had nothing.
So I called my GF <MyNameisNO, remember her?> and she let me cry. I cried and cried. It was so good.
I wasn’t sad. I just... didn’t know. I didn’t know I loved pain. I loved submitting. I loved being emptied out from my core. I had nowhere to go with it. So, she stayed with me, on the phone, and let me cry. She knew. I will never forget that.
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formertroll
Guest
I lost a friend for a time after we had a similar situation, i had to leave suddenly and she couldn't get out of get sub space. When she could finally express that feeling we hada good talk and agreed to provide more time, just in case. So as to limit any potential for sudden leaving.
Online aftercare is super hard for so many reasons.
Paul_Chance
The Watcher
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- Dec 23, 2011
- Posts
- 21,417
I think it all depends on the partner. Sometimes I have explicit and detailed negotiations to establish that trust. But, once that trust is there (can be quick, can take a long time), then the need for negotiations drops. It is the same with aftercare, it depends entirely on the partners. I just approach it from the point of view that when it comes to lovers, whether long term relationships or short term romps, the method for a good relationship or a call-back romp is simply this.
Be authentically present for your partner(s).
I recently started a relationship with a woman I met at a mountaineering store and then again in a class I was teaching (wilderness safety and emergency care). Our very first non-sexual encounters involved flirting about rope and knots. So, when we entered the relationship, that was a subtext that we moved pretty quickly to, with her quite willing to explore. I explained I would start simple, with the basics, and that she was in control and could stop or slow down at any time. Then we went slowly, and I explained everything as I went - both technically what was being done and why it was being done.
It was all incorporated in the larger context of our budding relationship, so plenty of aftercare, both immediate and then in other contexts such as routine conversation, with me asking lots of questions to help her explore her feelings around it.
But, in contrast, I have a casual lover who, when we met, we were literally into a public domination scenario within minutes of my introducing myself (held her still with a hand in her hair and pinned her against a beach rail with my body). It was bold as brass, no negotiation, no discussion - but she had sent sufficient signals that I was confident that was what she wanted. We've literally never negotiated anything, for her the element of surprise is very large part of her arousal (loss of control for her means loss of control). Aftercare with her is mostly just laughing together and getting something to eat. She likes it rough, she knows she likes it rough, and she wants/needs to be surprised by the specific acts.
Since I am chasing forty years of being sexually active and non-monogamous, it all depends on meeting your partners needs. No magic template. No checklists. You have to interactively make it up as you go. Online negotiation and aftercare play out the same way - it all depends on who you are playing with. I have had online affairs that were full relationships, with all the necessary and desired negotiations and aftercare, and I have had ones were the sum total of the relationship was two near-strangers who would meet on line, mindfuck each other silly, then high five and get on with our lives.
Be authentically present for your partner(s).
I recently started a relationship with a woman I met at a mountaineering store and then again in a class I was teaching (wilderness safety and emergency care). Our very first non-sexual encounters involved flirting about rope and knots. So, when we entered the relationship, that was a subtext that we moved pretty quickly to, with her quite willing to explore. I explained I would start simple, with the basics, and that she was in control and could stop or slow down at any time. Then we went slowly, and I explained everything as I went - both technically what was being done and why it was being done.
It was all incorporated in the larger context of our budding relationship, so plenty of aftercare, both immediate and then in other contexts such as routine conversation, with me asking lots of questions to help her explore her feelings around it.
But, in contrast, I have a casual lover who, when we met, we were literally into a public domination scenario within minutes of my introducing myself (held her still with a hand in her hair and pinned her against a beach rail with my body). It was bold as brass, no negotiation, no discussion - but she had sent sufficient signals that I was confident that was what she wanted. We've literally never negotiated anything, for her the element of surprise is very large part of her arousal (loss of control for her means loss of control). Aftercare with her is mostly just laughing together and getting something to eat. She likes it rough, she knows she likes it rough, and she wants/needs to be surprised by the specific acts.
Since I am chasing forty years of being sexually active and non-monogamous, it all depends on meeting your partners needs. No magic template. No checklists. You have to interactively make it up as you go. Online negotiation and aftercare play out the same way - it all depends on who you are playing with. I have had online affairs that were full relationships, with all the necessary and desired negotiations and aftercare, and I have had ones were the sum total of the relationship was two near-strangers who would meet on line, mindfuck each other silly, then high five and get on with our lives.
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PrettyLilPussy
Guest
Ok - Here's my rambling nonsense answer.
Negotiations - I've had discussions about likes/dislikes, hard and soft limits but if we are talking true negotiations, I'm going to keep it limited to the two true D/s experiences I've had (which were completely fucking opposite).
In the first situation, things progressed extremely quickly and, while we covered hard limits, we never really talked about safe words or language/names I might find difficult or physical/emotional boundaries. I think I was so new to everything at the time that I wouldn't have even known what to say. He was a much more emotionally Dominant person. He liked to crawl around in my brain and push me a step further than I thought I would/could go and pull me into blurting things I didn't know I even felt. Negotiations were done as we went and always questioned. (Why not? What makes you think you won't like it? Shouldn't you try it first? etc.) He was also the first person to introduce any idea of aftercare to me. We'd do deep breaths together and kind of a full system check before we went into a re-equalization talk where we became friends again.
In the second situation, it was a literal negotiation through a series of emails over a contract. I may or may not have gotten my law degree during this process.
Haha. Anyway, I had much more of a clear idea of what was expected, what I could expect, how to handle myself in different situations and how - if things ended - things were to be handled. It was nice to have an actual document to refer to sometimes and made me always feel the seriousness of the commitment I had agreed to. There was a LOT of communication and I always knew what to expect. Aftercare, was a sweeter, softer conversation - a discussion of what worked and what didn't work and what I'd like to add next time.Though I still talk to both of these gentlemen the "formality" is over and I'm carrying my own leash, so to speak. Thinking back on both of these experiences the thing that stands out is communications. I always walked away with a smile (and not just because of the awesome orgasms - pervs
). If there's one thing I've learned about myself (and what I want in a future Dom, if there is one) during this whole lifestyle exploration is how much I love, LOVE, love communication and how much I hate, HATE, hate not knowing where I stand with someone. Submission can leave you very vulnerable and it's important to be able to feel safe with someone - before, during, and after. Walking away feeling lost, confused, or questioning yourself doesn't make me want to come back for more.Ok, I hope that made a tiny bit of sense!
Thank you for the question!
plp
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formertroll
Guest
Just commenting so i remember to reply when I'm at a pc
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Angedesoleil
Guest
Ok - Here's my rambling nonsense answer.
Negotiations - I've had discussions about likes/dislikes, hard and soft limits but if we are talking true negotiations, I'm going to keep it limited to the two true D/s experiences I've had (which were completely fucking opposite).
In the first situation, things progressed extremely quickly and, while we covered hard limits, we never really talked about safe words or language/names I might find difficult or physical/emotional boundaries. I think I was so new to everything at the time that I wouldn't have even known what to say. He was a much more emotionally Dominant person. He liked to crawl around in my brain and push me a step further than I thought I would/could go and pull me into blurting things I didn't know I even felt. Negotiations were done as we went and always questioned. (Why not? What makes you think you won't like it? Shouldn't you try it first? etc.) He was also the first person to introduce any idea of aftercare to me. We'd do deep breaths together and kind of a full system check before we went into a re-equalization talk where we became friends again.
In the second situation, it was a literal negotiation through a series of emails over a contract. I may or may not have gotten my law degree during this process.
Though I still talk to both of these gentlemen the "formality" is over and I'm carrying my own leash, so to speak. Thinking back on both of these experiences the thing that stands out is communications. I always walked away with a smile (and not just because of the awesome orgasms - pervs
Ok, I hope that made a tiny bit of sense!
Thank you for the question!
~~~
Hats off to the people you have dealt with and to you for sharing... thank you so much. I cant add to this topic as it is one I need to learn from. But I can say I have learned from the posts here.
barefootgirl69
Wild Little Cupcake
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- May 14, 2015
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- 67,795
That happened to me once... he had to go, and I needed comfort. I hadn't realized until then how important it was to me because I had had it IRL and in LDR. But... this guy didn't know why or how or anything about why I was reacting the way I was, and it was a real eye-opener, making it easier that the relationship ended.
It can be. I think the important part is making sure there's enough time to have those moments of tender talks after everything else. Just like you said in your post.
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formertroll
Guest
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
i'm assuming all this is online or phone, since my irl opportunities are limited. the negotiation for me usually happens after the first play. the first tends to be spontaneous, each being their default self and seeing how it clicks or where things go naturally and then limits are talked out later so they don't ruin moods and such. then there's no negotiation as much as each says their limits and likes and the other rolls with it
as for aftercare, knowing what resets the other person to whatever our status quo is. that's hard to know since status quo (oddly) changes regularly.
i'm assuming all this is online or phone, since my irl opportunities are limited. the negotiation for me usually happens after the first play. the first tends to be spontaneous, each being their default self and seeing how it clicks or where things go naturally and then limits are talked out later so they don't ruin moods and such. then there's no negotiation as much as each says their limits and likes and the other rolls with it
as for aftercare, knowing what resets the other person to whatever our status quo is. that's hard to know since status quo (oddly) changes regularly.
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PrettyLilPussy
Guest
I've been pretty lucky with my partners. They've certainly set the bar high. I think the whole thing is a learning experience and I'm collecting tools for my tool belt. Hopefully, I'll be prepared when and if I get to explore irl.
I've enjoyed everyone's answeres and all the different approaches to this. Keep those questions coming! I've gotten some really good ones.
plp
midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2003
- Posts
- 32,060
Thursday Question:
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
I've done negotiations a couple different ways. Early on I was fond of talking through bdsm checklists as a big-picture opening negotiation. We'd each mark off likes and dislikes, wants and not-on-your-life items and then discuss the places where we were in synch and those where our interests differed. Other times I've done a less systematic introduction to each other's likes and dislikes and such. Very occasionally I've had reason to enter into a negotiation over a particular weekend or evening, but that's been fairly rare.
Aftercare is all about what works for her. Sometimes that would be letting her sleep for a while and other times it might have meant some hugs and hot tea. Usually it meant checking in a day or so after an intense session (or weekend) to give support in the event of any drop, either hers or mine.
Online play is no different, really. It's a relationship and you have inherent responsibilities toward each other regardless.
(Submitted)
Negotiations and Aftercare - The Before and After
Can you give examples of how you and your partners navigate both negotiations and aftercare? Do you include them in online play?
I've done negotiations a couple different ways. Early on I was fond of talking through bdsm checklists as a big-picture opening negotiation. We'd each mark off likes and dislikes, wants and not-on-your-life items and then discuss the places where we were in synch and those where our interests differed. Other times I've done a less systematic introduction to each other's likes and dislikes and such. Very occasionally I've had reason to enter into a negotiation over a particular weekend or evening, but that's been fairly rare.
Aftercare is all about what works for her. Sometimes that would be letting her sleep for a while and other times it might have meant some hugs and hot tea. Usually it meant checking in a day or so after an intense session (or weekend) to give support in the event of any drop, either hers or mine.
Online play is no different, really. It's a relationship and you have inherent responsibilities toward each other regardless.
ultramarineblue
Indefinable
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2008
- Posts
- 3,858
How does doing different types of aftercare affect you?
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Farawyn
Guest
P
PrettyLilPussy
Guest
#4
Monday Question:
How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?
Monday Question:
How critical is your kink to your overall life satisfaction?
Could you be happy in a relationship that does not include kink? Is it just sex for you or an important part of how you see yourself?
