Relationship advice needed

I’ve been with my girlfriend about 3 years. We’ve never had sex. Due to financial stress, potential medical conditions, & a traumatizing past she doesn’t have much of a sex drive. The topic has lightly been brought up in the past, but the other day we had a long conversation.

We occasionally live together when she stays with me for long periods which is new territory for both of us. She wants to wait for it to naturally happen. She admitted that when she’s thought about having sex with me in the past, she’s also thought about possible bad things that could happen to lose her mood. I told her I’ve been masturbating since I didn’t want to pressure her into something she’s not ready for. She thought I was having sex on the side and said she wouldn’t have been mad if I did.

So this past week my sex drive has been high. I’m not sure what I should do. I’ve been thinking about having sex a lot to the point where I’m masturbating multiple times a day. Should I keep doing that? Should I get her permission to find some on the side? Is there another option?

I love her and plan on marrying her one day so breaking up isn’t an option.

Anyone thinking of getting married better be happy with the person they are marrying, not the person you hope they will become.

It sounds like it is time for a real talk about the future and what you both want. Save sex for after marriage?


Of course there is the question:Is she sexually attracted to you? Are you to her?

Not every relationship has is based on a sexual need but, if you have a big sex drive and she has no interest in sex. you two need to talk openly. Maybe ask her to watch you masturbate.

I’m happy with who she is now. She’s said in the past that after she fixes her financial problems she would work through her sex issues.

She is attracted to me and I’m very attracted to her. I think my sex drive increased because I recently started taking some vitamins that would increase my testosterone.

She did mention wanting to try some BDSM. I’m gonna get the stuff and let her use it on me.

I'm depressed just reading your story and I am checking out of here immediately after signing out of this post. That is how I feel but you are living that shit - seriously it is your choice - no one here can advise to make your shit situation better if you choose to remain.

as for "Should I get her permission to find some on the side? Is there another option?

I love her and plan on marrying her one day so breaking up isn’t an option."

well best of luck for your misery - but you will be miserable if you stay.

In my kindest of words - you are a total idiot - you do not have a relationship.

And1 said:

I’ve been with my girlfriend about 3 years. We’ve never had sex. Due to financial stress, potential medical conditions, & a traumatizing past she doesn’t have much of a sex drive. The topic has lightly been brought up in the past, but the other day we had a long conversation.

We occasionally live together when she stays with me for long periods which is new territory for both of us. She wants to wait for it to naturally happen. She admitted that when she’s thought about having sex with me in the past, she’s also thought about possible bad things that could happen to lose her mood. I told her I’ve been masturbating since I didn’t want to pressure her into something she’s not ready for. She thought I was having sex on the side and said she wouldn’t have been mad if I did.

So this past week my sex drive has been high. I’m not sure what I should do. I’ve been thinking about having sex a lot to the point where I’m masturbating multiple times a day. Should I keep doing that? Should I get her permission to find some on the side? Is there another option?

I love her and plan on marrying her one day so breaking up isn’t an option.

Click to expand...

Love is great but there are countless posts on here from people who are miserable (and whose partners are often also miserable) because they got into a relationship with mismatched sexual requirements, without a serious plan for how they were going to handle that. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is say "this isn't going to work out" while both of you are still young enough to start over.

I'm not saying that's the only option, but it ought to be on the table. It's not helpful to tell yourself that there is no alternative to sticking together.

In my experience of relationships: people often promise to change, sometimes they actually manage to do it, but it's unwise to rely too heavily on that happening. If you choose to stay together, be prepared for the possibility that "work through her sex issues" might not deliver all you're hoping for.

Some people do use nonmonogamy as a solution to this kind of issue. For some it works quite well (I've been nonmonogamous most of my adult life, for different reasons), but it's not a straightforward option. If you go down that road, you'd be well advised to consider questions like:

- are you the type of person to have sex without forming an emotional attachment? If no/don't know, does she understand that, and is she okay with the possibility of emotional and not just physical nonmonogamy?
- are you likely to find a sexual partner/s who's okay with being secondary in your life?
- safe sex expectations
- if you're keeping this arrangement under wraps, what happens if somebody sees you with a sexual partner and thinks you're cheating on your girlfriend?
- will having an alternative sexual partner actually solve the problem from your side? Or will it still be frustrating that you can't sleep with her?

The fact that she's mentioned this option may be a good sign, but if you're going to take her up on it, you need to talk through these details and more.

If I was in your situation, and I was waiting for her to work through these issues, I'd want some sort of timeframe on that - "I'm going to be working on this stuff over the next year, and at the end of that time we can talk over where we are and decide where to go from there" (and set that date in your calendar).

I would not be making commitments like marriage until we'd reached a situation that I was comfortable living with.

There is so much good advice written already I feel like it would be overkill to say too much. However, I think what you have here is a genuine huge RED FLAG!!!


Just remember, just because someone is great doesn’t make them great for you.

I didn't see that anyone suggested this; This sounds like a far more complex issue than can be resolved on an online forum. I suggest you two talk and seek out a qualified therapist. It's gonna take some time and there's no guarantees. Sorry for your pain and troubles ~

yukonnights said:

I didn't see that anyone suggested this; This sounds like a far more complex issue than can be resolved on an online forum. I suggest you two talk and seek out a qualified therapist. It's gonna take some time and there's no guarantees. Sorry for your pain and troubles ~

Click to expand...

+1 to this advice.

When I have problems, I like to break it down into something simple, that my simple mind understands

1) You've been together 3 years and you haven't had sex...and only recently you had one conversation beyond the "lightly brought up" conversations concerning why

2) She mentions she would be interested in some BDSM so you will buy some toys for her

ok...

This is the how to forum....I am supposed to be civil...and not be offensive by saying the obvious...fuck it...I better head back to the other forums. I really don't belong here.

You have high sex drive and she has a low sex drive. How well do you think that is going to work out in a marriage.

You will have a bad sexual relationship with this person, for the rest of your life. That is almost a certainty. If you love her, and if breaking up with her is not, as you say, an option, and if you think you can be happy with her despite the fact that her sex drive will never match yours and your sex life will be unfulfilling, then O.K. But if you think things are going to change there is a 99% chance you are fooling yourself.

You've been with her for three years, and it hasn't changed. If you assume that it will, you are being foolish.

You should assume nothing will change, except possibly for the worse, because the stress of life after marriage does not get better, it can (not necessarily, but can) get worse -- especially with kids. If you can live with that and be happy, go for it.

Best advice: SEEK COUNSELING AND DO NOT GET MARRIED WITHOUT GETTING COUNSELING FIRST.

It's been said that women marry thinking that they can change their man and men marry thinking their woman will never change. Both are generally disappointed in those expectations.

There are indeed very successful sexless long-term relationships, including marriages. They are however very much the exception. Consider this - how would you feel about entering into a monogamous relationship where there is no sex not just for three years, but for 30 years? Because that might be your future.

I wish you both much luck. Please talk this through first.

It is not a simple issue to resolve it online. You should take the advice from an expert therapist. It is good if you love her and want to marry but your marriage will hardly work due to your sex drive mismatch. Talk with your girlfriend about marriage and future.

Communication is key in every relationship. So it's good that you guys have talked and discussed about it. However this is clearly an issue and you have to find a solution. How long will you keep masturbating? Sex is important in pretty much all strong relationships but it isn't everything. Clearly your needs need to be met as well. You can't sacrifice it just to keep her happy forever.

I love a lot of people. Loving someone doesn't mean that you have to marry them. Don't marry someone if you have to find someone on the side.

I was married for 22 years. I thought he loved sex. Nope. He actually hated it and thought it was disgusting. Although we had a lot of sex prior to marriage, in retrospect, I can see that he viewed it as a chore that he needed to do to "get" me because he knew that I loved it so much.

After marriage? Very little sex and it had to be done only in a certain way and done very quickly. We have one child. I had her late in life and it was a high risk pregnancy so I knew I would have no more.

Do NOT marry someone with financial problems. She won't fix them. She might temporarily fix them but they will come back.

Do NOT marry a person with no sex drive. It likely won't get better.

This doesn't seem like a good fit at all. Sorry.

I pretty much concur with Bramble (as usual). Marriages don't have to look like the cookie cutter version - you obviously love this girl, and that's a big thing. But you also shouldn't consider entering something that involves more commitment without talking through stuff, as it's obviously an issue for you.
If she has some sort of past trauma, she should really be getting help with dealing with that, regardless of the impact on her sex drive. Personally, I think that needs to be addressed before either of you even contemplate worrying about the sex.

It's hard to imagine someone expressing an interest in bdsm without being interested in sex per se, although I guess it's possible.

The problem with 'waiting for it to naturally happen' is that might never happen, especially if you end up living together ... it's easy to get into patterns of behaviour that are difficult to shift. I know my marriage had no sex in it for some years, entirely because of my disinterest, and it took a fairly significant event for that to change ... I wanted it to change before then, but I just couldn't seem to make it happen on my own.

Des is right - it's great that she's being honest with you, and she's obviously hopeful, but you both need to accept that her optimism might not deliver the results you want.

Doesn't look like a good match, but we can't see all.

For some peoples with mismatched sex drives polyamory works. BUT - each person in the family has to be honest with themselves as well as with the others. If she is saying can has sex with nother person just to make it easier for you it can be bad - jealousy is a thing many peoples has AND doesn't know it until the event happens. Then suddenly "I will rip their heart out and feed it to my goldfish!".

Casual sex outside a relationship I doesn't know about - the two people I know what tried it ended up leaving the small town cause of the soap opera that ensued (for some of the people in the events it wasn't as casual as they said they would be).

Planning on people changing in the future is a good way to hurt yourself, them, and anyone around you that has to put up with the slow realization that IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY and y'all get pissy and soap opera-y and whiny ...

Talk lots. Be honest with yourself and the other person. Be ready for "this isn't a thing".

There’s a great musical/show called “I love you, You’re Perfect, Now Chnge” that made me think of this.

littlecordelera said:

Anyone thinking of getting married better be happy with the person they are marrying, not the person you hope they will become.

Click to expand...

Plus as evidenced by the plethora of married people on here who are sexually frustrated to one degree or another, sexual comparability and honesty is a critical element of a relationship, and integral for intimacy and love.

Don’t minimize its importance. You’ll regret it.

Been avoiding answering in this thread.
But upon re-reading it today I feel like answering for whatever good it does now when so much time have passed.

Getting a relationship on the side doesn't solve your problem. It'll potentially only make it worse.

Honestly, you need to have a clear discussion with your girlfriend. She has to start trusting you to be good with her. I understand how trauma messes things up, but you need to move forward, no matter how slow it is. If she waits to gather her courage - she may end up waiting forever.

I think you two should have sex. I don't know how you would go about it, but I'll throw in ideas that may work (or may not work).
First of all, you can agree that you do only what she asks you. Let her take the reigns so to speak. Agree that if she wants to stop midway - you will (and be ready to follow through!).
Another idea would be starting with sexual making out. Getting naked, kissing, hugging, just sitting together and watching a movie like that. No sex, just making out. I would imagine that after a few such sessions some nervousness about sex would go away - maybe she'll agree to start touching each other more sexually, or even go for some oral sex or handjobs. Every little baby step is a step forward. You just need to keep making them and move forward.

I hope you two will be fine eventually.

.....

You are doing something that I have done in the past - you are focusing way too hard on a commitment when there is a major compatibility issue. You don't get a medal or a monument for sticking with someone who is not a good match for you.

Move on, for your sake AND hers. She needs to fix herself, and you need to step into your future happiness. Do it now - it will be much harder to survive such a move ten years from now.

You know what?
Fuckit, I'm late to the part, have next to no long term relationship experience, and disagree with 90% of the advice here.

Getting councilling sounds really cool.

"Your sexually incompatible, bail now", sounds stupid.
By the sounds of it, there's some stuff to sort out in her past. Fine. Talk about it. Sort it. but like.... from what you've said, you don't actually know what her sex drive IS yet. Neither does she maybe.
I don't know, but the point is, it sounds like you've been taking things really slow and gentle, and haven't actually found out what her (or even maybe your) tastes are yet.
That's fine.
That's okay.
And... maybe it'll take some work and stuff to figure all that out.
And maybe you'll figure it all out and find out that things ARE misaligned, and that'll be sad.

But by the sounds of it, like... she needs some therapy. She needs to work out her issues... and until she does you don't know what her sex drive actually looks like.

Neither did I.
Honestly, I still mostly don't, that's why I do writing on here- try to figure the damn thing out.
For the longest time I just assumed I was Ace.


As a random mention/plug... have you ever heard of the Beautiful Agony project?
Its videos of a bunch of people feeling themselves up... but also videos of them TALKING about stuff. And sometimes its smutty stories from their lives, and sometimes its them talking about working through trauma, or repression, or a million and one other things.
Some of its been helpful.

I dunno.
Only you know where you are, and by the sounds of it, its possible not even she knows where she's at... and maybe you'll end up finding out you're incompatible. But hey, maybe you work through that heavy stuff, and find out it works. And even if you don't end up suiting each other, you'll have someone you care about that now has a better idea what she wants maybe.
And even if you try something, and she DOES lose her mood, or freak out, or find her mind in dark places... okay fine- so what? It sounds like she trusts you. If that happens, you put your cock back in your pants, you sit down, you talk to her. And you tell her that that could happen BEFORE hand, and if it does its no trouble.


And... also take my advice with a grain of salt. Seriously- I have seen much less of the world than the people above by the sound of it, so possibly I am just an idiot.

Good luck.