Feedback for a first timer?

Would anyone like to read the first story/literotica I recently submitted here on Lit?

If so, then here's the link : http://www.literotica.com/s/the-devil-knows-best

Read your story

Had a little trouble deciding on how she felt about James but the ending tied it together. There were several grammatical/misspelled words but that will improve with your editing skills. I always print the story out and read it word by word making the necessary changes before I submit it.

That's your first story? Great job! Noncon is my favorite category. Always nice to see new noncon writers. And I thought this one was really hot and also had some interesting emotional stuff going on. It's a good portrayal of a love/hate, borderline abusive relationship. He tries to control her. She tries to break free. He wins her back with the nice guy act. But she doesn't want the nice guy. So he goes Sex Demon on her ass. They have happy afterglow. Rinse and repeat.

Plus, your male lead is a redhead. So. You, like, automatically have my attention.

So here's some running commentary for you. Disclaimer: I'm not saying this is the right way or the best way to tell the story. Just what I feel could have made it better.

Ally always knew James was the one guy that was different from the rest...or was he?​

This feels like a blurb instead of a first line.

You have lots and lots of exposition in the beginning. Lots of telling and not showing. You start as she's going into work (not the most exciting thing for any of us) and then back up. As I was reading, I was thinking about how dysfunctional-hot their Friday night must have been. It would have been a really interesting thing to dramatize:

She's sitting around the apartment watching him and his punk, free-riding friends act like idiots. She's fed up and starts to leave. He corners her. They fight. She tells him all the things getting on her nerves. He gets defensive, maybe even physically aggressive. She gets turned on by it and hates herself for being turned on when she's so angry. He sees her arousal and moves in to get him some. Fed up, she pushes him away and manages to leave the apartment.

He "runs into her" later when she's out with her friends. Maybe they get hot and heavy on the dance floor; we see how passionate they are for one another. But she drinks too much, and they have another fight when they get back home. He breaks her phone.

(Why does he break her phone, by the way? And how does he text her on Sunday if her phone's broken?)

But instead of letting the reader see all this drama unfold, you told us what happened. There was so much potential there for a buildup of sexual tension between them. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall watching it happen instead of hearing, "She felt like this, and she loved him because of this, and then this happened."

On to the sexy stuff! Which was, by the way, really sexy.

She looked into his eyes as he grabbed her up to mover her more centered on the bed and headboard. She could see a primal animal within him that was taking control... almost evil like as if her James had been possessed by a Sexual Demon God. Because that was the air about and around him. His look alone at that point could make her lust and want him inside her even more.​

God, that's hot. But again, you're telling us: He looked like a Sexual Demon God. I've never seen one of those. How does one look? Were his teeth bared? His eyes glinting red in the candlelight? His hair standing on end from their tussle? The veins bulging in his neck and forehead? Nostrils flaring? Does he cast a long shadow on the opposite wall, and she almost feels she can see horns in it?

He could feel her body tighten around his two fingers that he had inside her pussy. When suddenly he had a thought and a smirking grin came across his face as he whispered into her ear.​

You head-hopped. Huge pet peeve of mine. We've been in her limited point of view this whole time, then BAM. Suddenly we know what he's feeling and thinking. It's jarring to the reader. This reader, anyway.

In her mind it was as if he was a supernatural being at this point, to have that much control over her sexually. His tongue felt like it was split like a serpents.. flickering along her inner thighs as he made his way to her pussy.​

Mmmm, now that line about the serpent tongue? Hell yes! Good stuff.

But. You developed Multiple Orgasm Overload Syndrome.

She only got a finger instead.. she was still pleased and continued to suck his thumb while his other hand explored her clit. Taunting and teasing her clit with almost flawless moment and motions that he had her cumming in his hand.​

That's Orgasm no. 1.

She came again from the anticipation alone just before he slid his tongue inside her.​

Orgasm no. 2.

She could feel his cock inside her finally.. warm, throbbing and thrusting deeper each time. She had her first orgasm in her life and couldn't stop while he was inside her.​

First orgasm in her life. But third orgasm in this scene.

Then at the last moment he stopped. Leaving his throbbing cock deep inside her, as he pulled her face closer to his to wisper to her.

"Something tells me that you want to taste me more than ever and that is what your going to do"

Without haste he pulls out of her pussy still dripping and throbbing. And forces all of himself down her throat.​

Excuse me for a moment. My kinks are all hanging out here. Unf, hot. Well played indeed.

And… very nice ending.

I hope to see more from you!

sdsioux said:

Had a little trouble deciding on how she felt about James but the ending tied it together. There were several grammatical/misspelled words but that will improve with your editing skills. I always print the story out and read it word by word making the necessary changes before I submit it.

Click to expand...

thank you for the feedback, i wrote it in 15 minutes for a friend originally and decided to submit it here, i didnt edit once... now that ive read it again i see my flaws

thank you as well and for a bit of info on the subjects in the story.... you being a fly on the wall would've been very entertaining. this story was created from a real life experience to say the least. The phone thing well i broke it because i get pissed when trying to make a point and shes more attentive to her phone and social networking... but i bought her a new one Saturday morning. I am a ginger as well. sadly the beginning of the story is the last memory i have and its made up from my own fantasy of how i wished that Saturday evening could've ended.

A very enjoyable story, I feel like all the points I would make are already covered above... If you are going to provide both points of view, you have to do it consistently throughout the story... But, you have a wonderful descriptive talent and I know I'm interested to see more.

I'm a newbie too and just posted my first story. We're in the same boat.

I thought it was pretty good for your first time! I do agree that once it's edited a bit more, it will be stronger. I also felt it was little slow to get going, but once it got steamy, it was definitely hot.

She hurt from the things she told him, the things that he had said in a retaliation of emotional warfare that took place. Plus that asshole cost her a whole new phone too! Even though she thought she knew what she wanted, and that was to force James to leave. Some how his words and the way his eyes looked when he spoke of giving it that one last go at their relationship, actually made sense for once.

It was a hot day to be at work, especially opening the restaurant instead of her normal closing shift. Heat was good; work was good; anything to keep her mind from dwelling on the pain looming in her chest.

You have a bad case of the "that"s. Also you drop pronouns like Gretl's crumbs, hoping your reader can find their way back to the meaning. IT THAT, etc are pronouns and need to refer to a noun. (especially not to a whole set of ideas).

Also, like most new writers, you tend to throw a bunch of extraneous phrases and clauses in your writing. The story gets longer, but not better. Phrases like (in her mind) (much less)(in order to)(actually).

Don't say: "in her mind she needed as much as she could handle in order to (I can hear your readers taking in a deep breath before continuing)keep from dwelling inside the pain that loomed inside her chest, manifested from a fight she had with James on Friday night." (gasp)

She need distraction from the pain in her chest from a fight with James on Friday night. (17 words) (you used 36 words to say the same thing.

Don't blame yourself. as a high school English teacher, every time I gave an assignment the next question was always "How many pages?" or "How many words?" We have all been trained by two generations of elementary school teachers who assign projects by the number of pages or words. My answer: as few words as possible to say what you mean. Take a straight razor to your manuscripts BEFORE you publish them and slice away at the meaningless phrases such as (in order to). once you have neat terse language, you can spice it up the right way with well laced well though out adjectives and action verbs!