(TW sexual abuse) How to reclaim my lost sexuality

Since I saw some complaints about unsolicited dick picks and creepy PMs while browsing the forum for a topic like this, I want to make it really clear that I am only interested in PMing other abuse survivors who wish to provide advice that they aren't comfortable sharing in public. All other PMs, and any PM involving cybering or nudes will be either ignored or posted to /r/creepypms. I'm having a really hard time struggling with my sexuality on a personal level. Please have some class and pick on someone your own size.

With that clearly stated and out of the way, I want to know how to ease back into learning about my sexuality.

I was in some bad relationships that cased me some trauma. On top of that I've been depressed for a long time and somewhere in all of this two things happened. First, my sex drive and attraction to other humans plummeted to near-zero. Second, the few things that still do turn me on are not sustainable for healthy relationships. I'm well aware of kink/BDSM and the principle of safe, sane, and consensual, and my current desires (what little desires I have) are firmly outside of that realm.

To be more specific, my sexual desires are currently intricately tied to concepts of self harm and punishment. If I ever do actively want sex, it's nearly always because I recognize that I'm in a vulnerable spot where sex could be very harmful to me. Given that I'm in a relationship with people who give a shit about my well being, there is no ethical way to involve someone who cares about me in my self harm in this way.

The last time I was sexually active, the other problem was that my brain would kind of "turn off" during it. My partner would be doing something that hurts or doesn't feel good and when asked if it was good or not, I realized I actually can't come up with an answer, until after we've stopped completely. I have no concept of what I like, which makes it quite impossible to communicate with my partner, and also makes it quite improbable for sex to ever have a chance at feeling good.


Specifically what I'm looking for is advice, solidarity, and any reading or exercises you or someone you know found helpful. Self help books could be especially helpful, maybe. I want to begin exploring this on my own, and only feel comfortable including my partner in this once I've gotten to a somewhat stable understanding of my own desires on my own terms.

For the record, I'm already in therapy but I'm not yet comfortable talking about this in person and want to get started on my own first.

think

From your description of your experiences it seems to me that you need professional help so I hope you continue with therapy. You say you want to "reclaim" your sexuality but only describe what. to me, are disturbing and dysfunctional experiences. You have my undivided attention and sympathy and congratulate you on seeking help. Other than therapy, do you have clues or thoughts about the basis for your proclivities?

nfrrdscnnr1 said:

From your description of your experiences it seems to me that you need professional help so I hope you continue with therapy. You say you want to "reclaim" your sexuality but only describe what. to me, are disturbing and dysfunctional experiences. You have my undivided attention and sympathy and congratulate you on seeking help. Other than therapy, do you have clues or thoughts about the basis for your proclivities?

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I definitely plan to continue with therapy, and do plan on talking about it there and possibly seeking a sex therapist or hypnotherapist or something down the line once I stabilize in other ways.

"Disturbing and dysfunctional" are two very good words to describe my current relationship to sex. You could say sex and I started off on the wrong foot.

I don't really know where to go from here. I can't be the only person who's ever experienced this before but I've never met someone with the same problems.

zzzz_zzz said:

I have no concept of what I like, which makes it quite impossible to communicate with my partner, and also makes it quite improbable for sex to ever have a chance at feeling good.

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Why aren't you content with your current situation where you have no sex drive if sex doesn't feel good anyway?

Primalex said:

Why aren't you content with your current situation where you have no sex drive if sex doesn't feel good anyway?

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Because it feels like I'm missing out on something big, and romantic relationships are generally difficult without sex

IMO, it would be wise to make friends with yourself first. Have you tried just sitting down by yourself and exploring your sexuality through masturbation, where you can control everything and make it last as long or as briefly as you please? Once you start learning about your own sexual responses, it becomes easier to communicate that with a lover. In the process, be careful about the "self-harm" thing, and look for other avenues of stimulation. You're not shooting for an orgasm, just a nice sensual buzz. If it leads to an orgasm, fine; if not, no harm, no foul.

You also mentioned that you've experienced depression, and it occurs to me that the drugs you've been prescribed for it may also be affecting your sexual response. That's something to go over with your therapist or psychiatrist.

Good luck. There are lovers out there who can guide you along, although you'll have to learn to identify them. Let them know up front that you have issues, and don't expect or ask for a commitment, because those lovers might not want to invest much of their own lives in guiding you through this.

jehoram said:

IMO, it would be wise to make friends with yourself first. Have you tried just sitting down by yourself and exploring your sexuality through masturbation, where you can control everything and make it last as long or as briefly as you please? Once you start learning about your own sexual responses, it becomes easier to communicate that with a lover. In the process, be careful about the "self-harm" thing, and look for other avenues of stimulation. You're not shooting for an orgasm, just a nice sensual buzz. If it leads to an orgasm, fine; if not, no harm, no foul.

You also mentioned that you've experienced depression, and it occurs to me that the drugs you've been prescribed for it may also be affecting your sexual response. That's something to go over with your therapist or psychiatrist.

Good luck. There are lovers out there who can guide you along, although you'll have to learn to identify them. Let them know up front that you have issues, and don't expect or ask for a commitment, because those lovers might not want to invest much of their own lives in guiding you through this.

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No drugs yet though I am seeing a psychiatrist soon.

I should probably masturbate more. Maybe I'll try to make a habit of it

Do you feel comfortable offering any of the following:

- context for the trauma you experienced - physical, emotional, both - I know you said sexual but just trying to get context

- your reaction to sexual situations now - anxiety, indifference, fear

- did the self harm dynamics emerge after bad relationships or were they they before

- do you feel that bad relationships were the start or could there have been pre-existing issues that led to the bad relationships

I know diddly squat but it isn't hard to imagine for example low self esteem which led to some bad relationship decisions. Bluntly we have all dated assholes and they can all cause damage. But for one asshole to turn an even keel well adjusted person inside out is less common. And the odds of multiple bad relationships based solely on bad luck start to get pretty long. It is prudent to at least reflect on how and why you ended up in bad relationships - not as blame at all but as a means of looking deeper.

Is it really the case that everything was just fine before? There might not have been any trauma yet but were you stable and resilient when those bad relationships happened? If not why? To the extent that the negative impact of those relationships is a function of your partner's bad behaviour how is that defined? Is it a rational objective view of the world and circumstances, pre-conceived expectations or something in between?