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Old 06-08-2018, 06:27 AM   #1
DandJ69
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Feedback. Please be critical. My first story ďSummer FunĒ

Iíve just had my first story submitted, itís about a real experience which happened a few years ago with my ex girlfriend Lisa.
Would love feedback and comments as I have loads of other similar experiences Iím planning to write about.
Iím not bothered if you think it sucks, be honest!

Username is DandJ69
Story title is ďSummer FunĒ

https://www.literotica.com/s/summer-fun-17

Last edited by DandJ69 : 06-09-2018 at 05:53 AM.
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Old 06-08-2018, 06:54 AM   #2
tomlitilia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DandJ69 View Post
Iíve just had my first story submitted, itís about a real experience which happened a few years ago with my ex girlfriend Lisa.
Would love feedback and comments as I have loads of other similar experiences Iím planning to write about.

Username is DandJ69
Story title is ďSummer FunĒ
You'll have better luck getting feedback if you provide the story link
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Old 06-08-2018, 08:22 AM   #3
DandJ69
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Thanks
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Old 06-09-2018, 05:22 PM   #4
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There isn't much of a story in there to be honest. It reads more as a brief description of a series of events. I did this, she did that... If you're looking for ways to improve, here are some suggestions:
1) Add some tension to it. Describe (conflicting?) emotions.
2) Don't rush things. E.g. the section from "No, I don't want to lick cum out of your pussy" to "OK" is one sentence.
3) Skip the set-up/background and start with something to draw in readers.
4) Give the characters some character. They are very flat as currently written and won't engage readers.

Good luck!.
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Old 06-09-2018, 07:04 PM   #5
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I'm not sure if this was your intent, I suspect not, but this just comes across as bleak and sad. There's no emotion or intimacy here, just a drunk fuck up against a sea wall. As Tomlitilia says, your characters are like cardboard cut-outs, following assembly instructions on the side of the box. It's not quite Jean Paul Satre, more existentialism on a post-card.
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Old 06-09-2018, 08:12 PM   #6
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In your story, there's a moment where you mention 'a tinge of jealousy.' How did you feel about your girl friend dropping you for a quickie with a stranger? In your story, there's no mention of you enjoying it. Build on that...what were you thinking at the time? Did you feel inadequate? Threatened? Excited?

The ending could have used a little more explanation. You said you didn't want to go down on your girl friend. Why? And why did you relent?

A key element of any cuckold story is the mental states of the couple involved. We, the readers, want to get an idea of what motivated you to encourage your girl friend to act that way and what led her to do so. Was she doing it to humiliate you? Did she care about your feelings? What was the aftermath?

You have a good framework here...you just need to fill in the blanks.
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Old 06-10-2018, 07:22 AM   #7
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Ok thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. Like I said, I have loads of experiences of different relationships Iíve been in over the years. From cuckold to other kinds of kinky things. Iíve always been open minded/uninhibited and usually attract similar partners.
I decided to start writing about them recently and this was just a start.
I definitely understand what youíre all saying.
I think I was reluctant to lick her pussy at first, but it was something that Iíd fantasised about many times, so I probably should have included that, in hindsight!
Much appreciated
Hope you can read my next piece and see an improvement! When I get round to finishing it that is.
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Old 06-10-2018, 09:25 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
It's not quite Jean Paul Satre, more existentialism on a post-card.
Do you mind if I steal that quote from you?
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Old 06-10-2018, 12:14 PM   #9
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Do you mind if I steal that quote from you?
Go for it. Royalties can be sent by pigeon post .
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Old 06-16-2018, 11:59 PM   #10
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It was okay.

It was okay. Nicely written; a few misspells. I didn't see it standing apart from most stories of its ilk. Maybe a little more background and/or detail might help.
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Old 06-17-2018, 07:52 AM   #11
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Thanks

https://www.literotica.com/p/on-the-beach-50

Check out a short poem I wrote.
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Old 06-20-2018, 07:56 PM   #12
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A new story!

Hereís a new story I wrote, Iíd be glad to know what you all think of it.
I appreciate itís a bit rough round the edges and thereís a few errors. But Iím thinking more the story content! Does it flow and most importantly does it get you off?
Thanks.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-first...er-with-orlene
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Old 06-20-2018, 09:58 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by DandJ69 View Post
thereís a few errors.
Talk about an understatement. There's errors in every other sentence and this can make it difficult to get into the story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DandJ69 View Post
But Iím thinking more the story content! Does it flow and most importantly does it get you off?
I read the first page and was turned off by the whole gay thing/ obsession with penises. Still I trucked onward and tried reading the second page but couldn't get past a certain point after things went a bit over the top for my tastes. Orlene's character was interesting though. Mature, sexually aggressive, confident, heartbroken... I really admired her.
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Old 06-20-2018, 11:24 PM   #14
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Re: A First Encounter with Orlene

It's not perfectly written, and yes, a line editor could build a career on editing just this one piece, but I found it worked as a bawdy comedy. The characters are earnest and amusing. There's an exuberant voice. I actually laughed out loud at the tragicomic final lines. I think there's something here.
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Old 06-21-2018, 05:03 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by DandJ69 View Post
Hereís a new story I wrote, Iíd be glad to know what you all think of it.
I appreciate itís a bit rough round the edges and thereís a few errors. But Iím thinking more the story content! Does it flow and most importantly does it get you off?
It's a bawdy romp, I'll give it that, but I don't think you're doing yourself any favours with your lackadaisical attitude to the basics of grammar. Does it flow? It probably would if I wasn't constantly getting thrown out by the avoidableerrors. I'm usually pretty forgiving the occasional typo, but I reckon a bit more care would help.
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:38 AM   #16
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Thanks guys.

Yeah I read through it again after it was published and there were a lot more errors than I thought. To be fair I just thrashed it out and skim-read it quickly before posting it. I was a bit over enthusiastic to get it up (pardon the pun)

Good points though. I appreciate my grammar is poor so apologies for that.

Iím currently working on my next story so Iíll try and iron out the errors before I post it this time.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and Iím glad you enjoyed some of the content.
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Old 06-21-2018, 08:26 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
It's a bawdy romp, I'll give it that, but I don't think you're doing yourself any favours with your lackadaisical attitude to the basics of grammar. Does it flow? It probably would if I wasn't constantly getting thrown out by the avoidableerrors. I'm usually pretty forgiving the occasional typo, but I reckon a bit more care would help.
I saw what you did there.
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Old 06-21-2018, 08:29 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by DandJ69 View Post
Thanks guys.

Yeah I read through it again after it was published and there were a lot more errors than I thought. To be fair I just thrashed it out and skim-read it quickly before posting it. I was a bit over enthusiastic to get it up (pardon the pun)

Good points though. I appreciate my grammar is poor so apologies for that.

Iím currently working on my next story so Iíll try and iron out the errors before I post it this time.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and Iím glad you enjoyed some of the content.
It's natural that you get excited and can't wait to submit. My first effort got thrown back for punctuation errors. But you soon understand that, if you really want to write, you have to be mindful of such things as grammar and punctuation.

You still won't catch everything, but if you care about what you've written, you'll make the effort.
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Old 06-21-2018, 09:11 AM   #19
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I saw what you did there.
Usually I would blame autocorrect...

#oopsavoidableerrorawkward
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