Humor Thread

Getting Any on the Side?

Joe was asked at work if he was getting any on the side.
He replied, “Hell, it's been so long since I had any I didn't know they moved it.”


Men Are Like Wine

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner

Two Nuts

Q: What did the right nut say to the left nut?
A: Don't talk to the guy in the middle -- he's a dick


Change a light Bulb

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: one to actually do the screwing and four others to brag that they did.


Q: How do you catch a bra?
A: Set up a boobie trap.

Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A: A microwave doesn't complain when you put a piece of meat in it.


Q: What's better than roses on a piano?
A: Tulips on my organ.


Q: Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?

A: No, neither did I.



Benefits of Being Female

-- We can get a day off from male bosses just by hinting at "female trouble."

-- When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

-- Taxis stop for us.

-- We get free drinks just for showing up.

--Condoms don't make us lose sensation.

-- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

-- We have the ability to dress ourselves.

-- We can talk to men without picturing them naked.

-- Occasionally, chocolate really can solve all our problems.

-- Gay men don't make us uncomfortable, unless they're better dressed than we are.

-- We'll never regret piercing our ears.

-- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

Flat Chest
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

My Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

The Bee
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

Welcome Back RedPaint! It's been awhile.
DG

DG Hear said:

Welcome Back RedPaint! It's been awhile.
DG

Click to expand...

I have been around, Just got busy and didn't have anytime to post.

Just received this from a friend, corny but funny.
DG

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's there's fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees,

Ees

Ees


Ees a ham bush!"

When Love Fades...

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, " I'll have chicken, Thank you!."

She called back, "Fuck you.

You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

ROLL OUT THE BARREL...



Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel.

When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

THE THINKER



It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?"

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous (TA)poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's."

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

This one was just sent to me.
DG

UNIVERSAL LAWS


1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never
get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every
time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you
know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people
whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the
ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the
toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is
over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long
gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance..
The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a
locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't
know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit,
they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no
feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you
find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to
go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't
make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

Our Rights: The following was
written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid anymore riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and securethe blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident:

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -- so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous bikini-ed blond came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angelica."

Good Stuff Red! Thanks!
DG

Railroad Redneck

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."

"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

There is a new bumper sticker: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8"
Psalm 109.8 reads: "May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership." ---------------- We are admonished to pray for our enemies -- so...

Three Priests

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy halter top. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. 'Young lady, I would like three pickets to Titsburg.' He completely lost his composure and fled..

The second priest goes to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. Mortified, he too fled.

'Morons....'the third priest mutters and moves to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you.'

They took the bus!!!

For those of you that read the humor thread. If you enjoy it, please give us a bump! once in awhile to let us know. Trying to keep it on page one. We have some pretty nice posters Thanks to all of you.
DG

PELOSIUM:

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet... known to science. The new element has been named "Pelosium." Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Pelosium is "PU". Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Pelosium
molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNN-adnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons

Cut In Quarters

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.

"Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"

"I can cut them for you" said Dan the pharmacist "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

"I am 96" said the old man. "I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."

Assorted Obama Jokes

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree---25 to life would be appropriate.

**********************
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.

**********************

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean
and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !

**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

**********************

Even my spell check thinks
Pelosi and Obama are wrong.

Beware of politicians who claim they'll bring you pie in the sky, for they're going to use your dough.

Then there was the moron who had trouble filling out a job application form. Where it said, "Married," she wrote "twice"; where it said, "Children," she wrote, "No, both were men."