Old 07-20-2015, 09:35 AM   #1351
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Dear Wife,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad any more. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, my Love." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.

They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you.
I mean, just a perfect body. T1ts like you wouldn't believe and an @ss that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Missus?

I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're fcuking away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity unit. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't we ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity unit for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order .I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.

She's pulling for us to get back together, my love, she really is. So we're doing vodka jellies in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Missus. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh?
I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fcuking TV remote is.


With Love
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259

Last edited by Handley_Page : 07-20-2015 at 02:00 PM.
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Old 07-20-2015, 11:17 AM   #1352
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Thank you, DG and HP for such great jokes!
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Old 07-20-2015, 01:55 PM   #1353
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My wife had been feeling frisky all night.

The lights were lowered and the gentle, seductive sound of a saxophone played through the air. She slowly moved her hand up my thigh.

In a whispered tone she said, "I'm so horny, I want you right now."

Our hearts beat faster and soon we were in a moment of hot passion.

The sax solo rang out... till suddenly it hit a bum note.

"You've ruined my musical recital,"
screamed our daughter, as she stormed off the school stage.

The rest of the audience sat in a stunned silence...
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 07-20-2015, 01:58 PM   #1354
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a lovely moment. thanks, HP.
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Old 07-20-2015, 06:53 PM   #1355
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Quote:
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a lovely moment. thanks, HP.
Ain't ya glad she didn't play the banjo.
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Old 07-20-2015, 09:49 PM   #1356
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Two really plastered 40 year old Virgins walked into a whore house.
They really wanted to get some booty and asked the madam for two hookers.
The madam of the house asked them to take a seat and have a drink while she arranged their requests.
She thought to herself that these men were so waisted that it didn't matter what type of women they used.
She collected two inflateable dolls and put one in each of the two rooms.
The two men were then immidiately escorted to their rooms for the night.
The next day while they were leaving one man says to the other "last night was the worst time ever! I just layed there all night waiting for the girl to make her move and she never did!"
The other man said to his friend"that's nothing, my woman was a witch! I leaned over to give her a love bite on her neck and she farted then flew out the window!"
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Old 07-21-2015, 04:08 AM   #1357
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New drink

A guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.

First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.

With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "What the f#ck was in that?"

She whispers in his ear....

"It's called the Blowjob Revenge"
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 07-22-2015, 07:56 AM   #1358
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Oldie but goodie

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck....."
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Old 07-22-2015, 02:53 PM   #1359
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An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what's happening"?

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that."
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 07-22-2015, 07:53 PM   #1360
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Now that the Daily Show is going away, I thought I'd check out "The Nightly show" with Larry Gilmore.

It's much like the Daily Show, but darker.

This clip has several Subjects.
The Donald

Bill Cosby ( "The Motherfucker Did It!")

Very good, but not really joking.
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Old 07-23-2015, 03:11 AM   #1361
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Notice located by the Pool:

Minnesota State Law strictly prohibits smoking under water.
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 07-23-2015, 06:48 AM   #1362
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hi

Quote:
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Notice located by the Pool:

Minnesota State Law strictly prohibits smoking under water.
the guys who made this law should be sent to primary school which they presumably never visited at all.
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Old 07-23-2015, 07:45 AM   #1363
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Dumb Laws

1. San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

2. It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.

3. It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.

4. It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

5. It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.

6. When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

7. It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
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Old 07-23-2015, 12:24 PM   #1364
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3. It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
My presumption is, though, that it's legal to do That with your SO in an automobile with the curtains drawn---provided you both put back on the very same clothes you took off for the purpose.

Whew!
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Old 07-23-2015, 12:54 PM   #1365
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His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my Lord?"

"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"

"What word is that?" said his Lordship.

"Aplomb" my Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure"

"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."

"I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the Earl, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden? "

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"

"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"

Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
Now that is aplomb!
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 07-23-2015, 01:09 PM   #1366
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Originally Posted by JackLuis View Post
Now that the Daily Show is going away, I thought I'd check out "The Nightly show" with Larry Gilmore.

It's much like the Daily Show, but darker.

This clip has several Subjects.
The Donald

Bill Cosby ( "The Motherfucker Did It!")

Very good, but not really joking.
It took me a few episodes, but now he's a favorite. Very funny guy and good writers.

rj
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Old 07-23-2015, 01:12 PM   #1367
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It took me a few episodes, but now he's a favorite. Very funny guy and good writers.

rj
Couldn't open the link.

She was nearly hysterical: "I've had enough of your bullsit," she shrieked. "Just get out and never come back."
She drew a shaky breath and added: "And I hope you die a slow and painful death."

He looked at her, slightly puzzled, and said: "So now you want me to stay?"
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 07-23-2015, 10:27 PM   #1368
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Dumb Laws in Ohio

Breast feeding is not allowed in public.
(Revised 2005)

It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

No civil arrests may be made on Sunday or on the Fourth of July

In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker’s stand, you can be fined $25.

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

The Ohio driver’s education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.

Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.
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Old 07-24-2015, 02:08 AM   #1369
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Still Classic!
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Old 07-24-2015, 05:03 AM   #1370
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From what I hear, that head's going up the wrong arse.
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 07-24-2015, 08:07 AM   #1371
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Dumb Laws in West Virginia

It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs.

A tax of 1 cent is levied for every 16 and 9 ounces of coke sold in a store.

A person may be placed in jail for up to six months for making fun of someone who does not accept a challege. (Repealed 2010)

It is illegal to snooze on a train.

A person may not hold public office if he or she has ever participated in a duel.

For each act of public swearing a person shall be fined one dollar.

According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag (Repealed 2010)

If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined (Repealed 2010)

Unmarried couple who live together and “lewdly associate” with one another may face up to a year in prison. (Repealed: 2010)

Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.

Whistling underwater is prohibited.

Any person who commits adultery shall be fined at least twenty dollars. (Repealed 2010)


I have these dumb law for all states. Any you are interested in? I also have them for different cities in the state
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Old 07-24-2015, 08:37 AM   #1372
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Local Dumb Laws

All these were in place for our seaside town until repealed in 2014.

Nude bathing can take place after midnight and before 7am on designated male and female beaches unless a single ratepayer objects.

After 7am all bathers must wear the regulation costume that has legs and arms at least three inches long, and a skirt six inches long. Suitable costumes can be hired from the Council Offices for sixpence (2.5 pence now) a day. (Those costumes had the town name plus UDC for Urban District Council printed on the back.). Even wearing the regulation costume, no bather shall proceed more than fifty yards inland from the high water mark. All persons shall be modestly dressed if more than fifty yards inland.

No vessel, whether powered by sail or steam, shall come alongside or moor against the Pier unless authorised by the Pier Master and a suitable fee has to be paid. No vessel shall beach within 1,000 yards East of West of the Pier unless authorised by the Pier Master and a suitable fee has been paid.

No dressing or undressing is allowed on the beach. Changing huts are provided by the Council for a fee.

No bicycles shall be ridden furiously anywhere within the Council's district.

Only the Pier Master may discharge cannon from the Pier.

No washing shall be dried, nor carpets beaten, on the beach or promenade.

Children under the age of 16 must be accompanied at all times by a responsible adult when on the beach, Pier or Promenade. That adult must be over 21 years of age and capable of controlling the number of children they are escorting.

No one shall dive or jump from the Pier. (That still applies and has been ignored for generations)

Still applies:

No vessel shall exceed 8 knots inshore of the marker buoys. (At low tide the exposed beach extends two hundred yards seaward of the marker buoys) Even seaward of the marker buoys all masters of vessels shall exercise due caution if swimmers are in the water. (Jet skis are included but frequently break this regulation.)
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Old 07-24-2015, 12:54 PM   #1373
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You just can't make this stuff up!!

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a "generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder." (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, that "it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Taped to the box was this note which said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow,so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister.
No hard feelings. Have a nice day
."
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 07-24-2015, 01:27 PM   #1374
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Quote:
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A person may not hold public office if he or she has ever participated in a duel.
Damn it! I knew that college fencing class was going to come back to bite me some day.
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Old 07-24-2015, 01:31 PM   #1375
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Quote:
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When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a "generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder." (That's the way the police report described it.)
Actually, you can make this stuff up.

I've handled a few cremated remains and there is no way it could be mistaken for cocaine. The only thing it could be mistaken for is kitty litter. It looks exactly like that. The color varies a bit from light gray to charcoal gray, but it is definitely chunky from all the bones which have literally been ground up.

Anyway, not to spoil the mood or anything, but that made me look it up. I googled Hoochie Pevens and came up with a Snopes.com report on the roots of that legend and several more incidences that are equally as bizarre. It's a fun read, easy to find. I'd link it, but I don't know what Lit's policy is on outside links.

Hopefully, that will make up for this downer of a reply.

rj
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