Old 03-19-2018, 05:08 AM   #2626
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A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the
box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 03-22-2018, 09:49 AM   #2627
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Two blonde women were playing golf. One tee'd off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward four men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, who immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and rolled around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise.

"Please allow me to help, I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."

The man shook his head.

"No...no thank you, I'll be fine..." he groaned, obviously in agony, lying on the ground in the foetal position with his hands clasped at groin level.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away, laid them by his side, loosened his pants, and slid her hand inside.

She admininstered gentle, tender massage for several long moments, and asked "How does that feel?"

The man turned an agonised face to her and said "That feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken...!"
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Old 03-22-2018, 10:12 AM   #2628
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Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect:-

Our last name stays put. The garage is all ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

We can never be pregnant. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, we can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell us the truth.

The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another petrol station because the toilet in this one is just too nasty.

We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £1500, Morning suit rental £100.00.

People never stare at our chest when we talk to them.

The occasional well-rendered fart is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

We know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

We can open all our own jars. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite us, they can still be our friend.

Our underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. We never have strap problems in public.

We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. Everything on our face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

We only have to shave our face and neck.

We can play with toys all our life.

Our belly usually hides our big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.

We can "do" our nails with a pocket knife. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

We can do Christmas shopping for all our relatives on Christmas Eve in 30 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!!!
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 03-22-2018, 10:13 AM   #2629
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If you think training is expensive. . . . . . . . try ignorance
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 03-22-2018, 12:02 PM   #2630
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DEFINING THE DISTANCE BETWEEN MARS AND VENUS

by Diane White
The Boston Globe


A few differences between the sexes:

When a woman wears his clothes, she’s in love; when a man wears her clothes, he needs professional help.

Women look in the mirror and see flaws; men look in the mirror and see why women find them fascinating.

Women cry at the movies because they’re in touch with their feelings; men cry at the movies because they’re not.

Women see a half-empty gas tank; men see more than enough gas to get to Hartford and back.

Women wear basic black because 1) it makes them look thinner; 2) it goes with everything else they own; 3) it’s sexy. Men wear basic black because it hides the dirt.

A women knows all his specifics, right down to his watch-band size. A man has a rough idea of her height and the size of her chest, but can’t remember exactly what colour her eyes are.

Men forget women’s birthdays; women forget how old they are.

At work, women take orders from men. At work, men take suggestions from women.

A woman will ask a man if she looks fat; a man will never ask a woman if he looks bald.

Men argue and five minutes later it’s forgotten and they’re best friends again. Women argue and then brood over it for months.

When women say, “I’m sorry,” and they say it constantly, it’s usually automatic, mindless, a bad habit. On the rare occasions men say they’re sorry, they really mean it.

Women know when it’s over; men stick around until they’re asked to leave.

A woman will write a cheque for $2.37 at the supermarket. A man would rather starve.

Men talk about themselves endlessly; women talk about men endlessly.

Men put their mistakes behind them. Women relive their mistakes over and over again until they die of embarrassment.

Women name their cars; men name their penises.

Men play to win; women play to play.

Women believe in maps; men believe in their sense of direction.

Men think women have no sense of humour. Women think men have no idea how funny male behaviour is.

Men drink beer because that’s what men do. Women drink beer because there’s nothing else available to drink.

When a woman says, “I’ll call you,” it means she’ll call you. When a man says, “I’ll call you,” it could mean anything.

Women want to share feelings; men want to share pizza.

A man will give up drinking and lose 10 pounds in three days. A woman will give up eating and gain five pounds in two days.

Men jump to conclusions. Women consider things forever, from every possible angle, and still can’t decide.

Women know they’re at the mercy of their biological clocks. Men are sure they have all the time in the world.

A woman will recork a bottle that holds half a glass of wine. A man will finish off the bottle.

Women love to send greeting cards. Men aren’t sure what greeting cards are for, exactly.

Men are attracted to younger women because they want to feel like kids again. Women wish men would grow up and act their age.

A woman thinks she’s saving money if she goes to a sale and buys something she doesn’t need. A man won’t go to the sale.

Women think good sex is an integral part of a relationship, Men think sex is an integral part of a relationship.

Men stereotype women. Women generalize about men.
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Old 03-22-2018, 02:20 PM   #2631
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A man was driving down the road when a rabbit ran out in front of him.
He heard a loud bang. he stopped the car, got out and inspected the damage and found a large dent in his bumper and the creature dead by the side of the road.

A few moments later a woman pulled up in a car. she got out and had a look at what was going on. she proceded to rumage through her bag. she pulled out a can and sprayed the creature with it. after a few moments it got up and hopped away.

The man watched on. it hopped a few metres then turned round and waved. then hopped a few metres and turned round and waved. the man asked the woman what she had sprayed it with. she handed him the can. the can read....
Hair spray... restores dead hair to life, and installs permanent wave!!!!!
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 04-02-2018, 04:13 AM   #2632
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Jesus: How do you guys celebrate my resurrection?

Me: Uhhh...

Jesus: It's something cool, right?

Me: .....

Jesus: .....

Me: So there's this huge fuckin bunny...
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Old 04-02-2018, 04:15 AM   #2633
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hi

Teacher: what is resurrection? how long does it take?
Student: revival for next session. with oral assistance it takes about 20-30 minutes.
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Old 04-02-2018, 12:41 PM   #2634
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Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreemnet; in the end, you just think 'fuck it' and click 'I agree'

*
My granddad was highly decorated in World War 2; in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot...

*

I hate it when the clocks go forward an hour; it means for a week I get my wake-up woody when I'm on the bus going to work...

*

Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste

*

Q: What do Tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They're both meat substitutes

*

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. he looks over and notices there's an empty seat between him and the next guy. He looks at the man and says "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?"

The man replies "Well, that was my wife's seat; we've been to the last 5 World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

The first man says "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?"

The guy says "No, they're all at the funeral."

*

According to Lipton, the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So every morning I slap her ass and tell her "two sugars, Fatso"

*

When I'm feeling down and depressed, I always spend time filling-in my Army colouring book. That way, I always have a soldier to crayon...

*

When I find the surgeon who messed-up my limb transplant, I'm gonna kill him with my bear hands

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Old 04-03-2018, 01:45 PM   #2635
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The President was sitting in the oval office waiting for his daily breifing, his aide comes in a says, 'sir, i have terrible news, last night we lost a brizian solider'

POTUS was shocked, stunned, how could this have happened?
He replied: ' oh my good god, that awful; tell me exactly how many is a brizilian?'
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 04-06-2018, 11:35 PM   #2636
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:')

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Old 04-07-2018, 12:10 AM   #2637
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A man walks into a bank and calls out to one of the tellers: ‘Hey, you with the face like a pig’s arse! I want open a account.’

‘Sir,’ the teller says, ‘there’s no need to use that kind of language.’

‘Listen, you fat slag, I’m the customer – or I will be in a moment – and I’ll use whatever fucking language I want to use.’

‘Not with me, you won’t,’ the teller tells him. ‘Perhaps you’d better have a word with my supervisor.’

‘Fine,’ the man says. ‘Just tell the lazy son of a bitch to get his arse out here. NOW.’

The teller goes off and, in due course, returns with her supervisor.

‘Now, sir,’ the supervisor says, somewhat frostily, ‘what seems to be the problem?’

‘The problem is that I’ve just won eight million on the fucking lottery and I want to open a goddamn savings account with your poxy fucking bank.’

‘Oh, I see, sir!’ the supervisor says. ‘And I suppose this dozy good-for-nothing bitch is being her normal bloody unhelpful self, is she?’
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Old 04-07-2018, 06:14 AM   #2638
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Young Lad has a Homework exercise on the difference between Potential and Reality .. bit confused he approaches his Dad .. Dad say its no bother and he can demonstrate the difference to his son ..
Dad goes to see his wife and asks "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Mother replies "Yes I would .. I definetly would" ..
Dad then asks his teenage daughter "Would you sleep with Robbie Williams for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Daughter replies "Course I would .. In a Heartbeat" ..

Dad turns to his son and just says "There you go Boy ...." ..
Son Looks confused and says " I dont understand Dad" ..
Dad replies "Well potentially we are sitting on two million quid but in reality we are living with a pair of slags"
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 04-10-2018, 04:11 PM   #2639
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Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I reply, “Wow, really? Neither do I!”

—-

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. I mean, what’s the point?
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Old 04-10-2018, 05:12 PM   #2640
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I went into a bar one night after a long hard day, the barman says "what would you like", I replied "Surprise me."
So he showed me a naked photo of my wife!
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 06-30-2018, 01:15 AM   #2641
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St. Peter's decision

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth arrived at the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with St. Peter to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

Pete said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today, so I must decide which one of we will admit.”

He asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should get into Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

He thanked Stormy and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.

Without saying a word, the Queen walked over to St. Pete's bathroom, stepped up to the toilet, and pulled the lever.

St. Peter immediately said, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a toilet and you admitted her! You need to explain that!”

"Sorry, Stormy," said St. Pete, "but a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big it is."
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Old 06-30-2018, 01:30 AM   #2642
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If you haven't seen The Godfather movies, you might not understand this joke:

Godfather, "Michael, how is your wife Appolonia doing?"

Michael, "I haven't seen her for days. She's very upset about this stupid car I bought".

Godfather, " Oh?"

Michael, "It didn't start right and she went to pieces."
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Old 06-30-2018, 06:21 AM   #2643
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I saw that show, '50 Things To Do Before You Die'.
I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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Old 06-30-2018, 06:43 AM   #2644
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Fellow says, "My daughter has reached that age where she asks awkward questions. Just this morning she asked, 'Is that the best you can do?'"
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Old 07-03-2018, 05:34 PM   #2645
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An example of pressure
A husband with wife , mistress and mortgage , and they are all 1 month late
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Old 07-03-2018, 05:57 PM   #2646
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A man was sound asleep on a rainy night and was aroused from his sleep by a drunk pounding on his door at 3 AM.
His wife says, "Answer the door!".
So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door. The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".
The man says, "It's 3 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door. He goes back to bed. And his wife says, "What was that all about?"
The man says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to out in the rain at this hour!"
The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. The guy was nowhere to be seen.
He hollered, "Do you still need help?" "Hey buddy, do you still need a push?"
Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."
The man says, "Where are you?"
The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!"
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 07-28-2018, 03:26 AM   #2647
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my girlfriend gave me a hand job and used vaseline , i came three times before i could wash it off
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Old 07-28-2018, 05:17 AM   #2648
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Why did the blonde stand staring at a can of frozen orange juice for 2 hours?

The can said 'concentrate'!!!!
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
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Old 07-28-2018, 08:38 AM   #2649
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I went to a Bulimic's birthday party yesterday; have you ever been to one of those parties where a girl jumps out of a cake? This was the exact opposite...

**

I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night; at first I was afraid, I was petrified

**

A blonde pushes her BMW into the garage. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it's purring smoothly.

She asks "What's the story?"

He replies "Just crap in the motor".

She says "How often should I do that?"

**

They say that inside every fat woman is a thin woman trying to get out...just as outside every thin woman there's a fat guy trying to get in...
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Old 07-28-2018, 04:48 PM   #2650
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A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted someone below. He descended a bit more
and shouted.

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The person below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees
north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a Techy," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the somewhat perplexed technician below. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is,
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The techy below responded, "Ah! You must be an Officer."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the techy, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've
managed to make it my fault."
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Incident at Cemetery Junction.
" Pest Control."
"Mavis's Car Trip."
"Norman-the-dragon. "
"Stacy & the Angel. "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story. "
" How to do Audio. "
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